Alexis

I stare down at the items in my lap, feeling tears press at my eyes and my stomach clench in nervousness.

It's been a few days since everything happened, and we're back out on tour, with Annie along this time. I haven't cut since then, but that's not really saying much.

I mean, I haven't talked to Colton or anyone else about it either. I've just tried to cram everything inside and keep it there. I know it won't work forever, but I don't know what else to do.

One thing I know is that, if it's an option for me, I'm not going to last without cutting for long.

Which is why what I'm about to do is so important. But that doesn't make it any more terrifying. I mean, they think the razor I gave up that day was the only one I had. It wasn't. Right here, I have four more blades, another two razors, a small knife, and a pair of manicure scissors. I've come too close to using them already. I know I can't hold on with them here for much longer.

But the blades aren't even what scares me the most about handing it all over. Because I'm also staring at two bottles of pills.

It bought them before we left on this tour, just because... I guess because I wanted the option. I've held onto them ever since, never wanting to let that go. And the horrible thing is, I still don't. But I know I have to, or else some time I'm going to be stupid and take them, and then make it even worse by letting myself be found out, and I'll have to live through that entire nightmare again.

I hear someone come into the bus and grab a pillow to cover the stuff in my lap, looking up to see Eric walking down the hall.

He smiles when he sees me. "Hey, Lexi, Colton sent me to come find you. He wants to introduce you to someone.

I feel myself pale at the idea, but there's not much I can do. I nod to him.

"I'll be there in a minute."

He returns the action and leaves. I stare at the things in my lap once again. I know I won't be able to do it if there's other people around, and I doubt I'll be able to get him alone once we're back in the bus.

Swallowing hard and trying not to think about it, I shove them into my satchel and sling it over my shoulder, dropping down and leaving the bus.

It's after one of their shows, but it was an afternoon one, so it's like six in the evening, and the air isn't too cool yet.

I cross to the venue building and push through the back door, heading to Colton's backroom, since Eric didn't specify where they were.

Sure enough, as I come in, I see Colton and Annie talking to a middle-aged couple and a teenage boy.

My eyes lock onto the boy, and I feel my pace falter.

Tall and lean, even in the simple black hoodie he's wearing. Tanned to perfection, with black, wavy hair, one curl falling forward over one of his dark eyes.

Colton turns around, and I immediately snap out of it, raising an eyebrow at him. "You wanted to see me?"

He nods, grinning and waving me closer.

"Yeah. I wanted you to meet these guys. They're old friends of my family, Robert, Sally, and their son, Aiden."

He looks to them. "This is my second little sister, Alexis"

The woman offers me a warm smile, holding out her hand, which I hesitantly shake, mumbling, "Nice to meet you," to all three of them.

"Yes, you too," she agrees kindly. "We've wanted to meet you and hear your story ever since we first saw you on Colton's pages."

"You seem to be a very special girl," Robert adds.

I just shrug, staring at the ground.

"Oh," Colton adds with a grin, "and look at this."

He points to Aiden, who turns around, revealing the Batman logo on the back of his hoodie.

"Awesome, right?" Colton asks, completely delighted.

"Yeah, Colt, it's the best thing I've ever seen," I reply dryly.

He just rolls his eyes, and Aiden laughs, turning around once again.

"Not a fan?"

I shrug, struggling to stay steady.

"You can only hear the word Batman uttered so many times before you get sick of hearing it."

"Fair enough," he agrees, and glances at his parents, who are talking to Colton and Annie again. "Hey, knowing Mom and Dad, these guys are gonna be here a while. Do you wanna take a walk or something? You could show me around the venue."

"Sure, whatever," I reply once more. At least if we're walking, I won't have to try to look at him like a normal person.

"So," Aiden says as we leave the room and head through the backstage area, "you just travel with Colton?"

I nod.

"What do you do for school?"

"I take my classes online."

"Oh, cool," he replies, "What grade are you in?"

"Junior."

"Oh, nice. Same here."

I force a smile, sneaking a glance at him.

"Do you ever miss regular school?" he asks after a long moment.

"No," I say without hesitation. "I wouldn't go back even if I didn't travel with Colton."

"Why?"

I stare at the ground. "I just didn't like it."

The people were horrid. The teachers hated me. My grades failed whereas now I'm getting straight "A"s.

"I get that," he agrees. "But I couldn't give it up. I need the interaction too much."

I don't answer, so he speaks again after a few seconds.

"So, if you don't mind me asking, why are you with Colton and Annie, anyway? All he's released if that you'd met a few months before, and you needed a new home."

I bite my lip, keeping my eyes fixed on the ground. "My parents are idiots."

He raises an eyebrow. "How?"

I bite harder. If I don't want to answer, I know I don't have to. But Aiden's been nothing but kind and understanding, and I feel like I owe him a bit of an explanation as to why I act like I do.

"When I was little, my dad was arrested for selling drugs, and ever since, my mom was a drunk and druggy herself. Her boyfriends... um... didn't exactly treat me well, and, once my dad got out of jail, they got remarried, and..." I hesitate. "He... my dad... had some friends... I mean, it started at this party one night, when a dude saw me and asked..." Now I'm fighting tears. I can't say it. "Have you seen "Priceless"?" I ask finally.

He nods.

"Like that," I whisper.

"Oh, man," he breaths, shock written on his face. "I'm really sorry, Alexis."

I shrug, not answering, and we walk in silence for a few steps. I keep my head down, my eyes on the ground.

And step too early for the stairs I know are coming, tripping and falling forward to catch myself on my hands.

As I fall, my bag hits the stair, and promptly flies open and spills it's contents onto the floor.

I swear quietly, diving after my things in desperation. Aiden immediately drops down to help me, but freezes as he stares at the objects in his hands, a blood-stained razor and a bottle of pills.

"What is this stuff?" he asks.

I frantically take it from him, shoving it away again and keeping my eyes down.

"It's... it's nothing. Don't worry about it."

"No," he catches my hand before I can pull away. "Alexis, what was all of that?"

I hesitate for a long moment before realizing it's no use. If I don't tell him, he won't know that I'm handing it over to Colton, so he'll freak out and probably tell someone. I exhale slowly.

"Look, I... for the longest time, before I met Colton, I... there really wasn't another way for me to deal with everything, and... and life sucked so much that I really would have been better off dead. Now, I just... there's still a lot of stuff left over from all of that, and I... I'm still learning how else to handle it."

He opens his mouth, but I continue frantically.

"But, I swear, I just had all this because I wanted to be able to pull Colton aside and give it to him without anyone else around, and that's pretty hard to do on a tour bus. A few days ago, everyone kind of... found out I was still doing it, and they have one of my... uh... those... but I knew I needed to give him the rest."

Aiden meets my gaze and holds it for a long moment, and I force myself to do the same.

Finally, he sighs, nodding. "Okay." He swallows hard, staring at my bag. "Okay, I believe you. As long as you're not, like... yeah..."

My eyes find the ground again, and I echo his last word in a whisper. "Yeah."

He rises hastily, offering me a hand up too.

"We should probably head back."

I nod hurriedly, and we walk back to Colton's lounge area, Aiden leading small talk on the way.

Finally, as we reach the door, he turns to me. "Um, by the way, I was wondering... I mean, since you don't really seem to get a lot of interaction with other teenagers, would you want to exchange phone numbers or something?"

"Uh, sure, whatever," I reply, and he pulls out his phone, typing in a few things before glancing up at me.

I mutter out my number, he enters it in, and in a second I hear the chime from my own phone of what's probably a blank text. He smiles at me, puts it away, and we go back inside.

The others are just finishing off their conversation, and before too long, Aiden and his parents leave.

I flop onto one of the couches, feeling exhaustion weighing on me.

Colton sits down next to me, smiling.

"So, what did you think of Aiden?"

"He was nice," I reply simply.

"Did you get his phone number?"

I glare at him.

"I gave him mine."

"Has he texted you yet?"

I sigh in exasperation. "Colton, they've been gone for all of thirty seconds."

"I mean, to give you his number," he replies placatingly.

"Oh." I pull out my phone. "I think so."

I turn it on glace at Aiden's notification.

Hey there, hello, hello, hello

Colton, reading over my shoulder, laughs out loud, and I feel color rise to my cheeks. He's obviously quoting Moriah's song.

"Nice," Colt chuckles, but doesn't say anything more, which I'm grateful for.

I don't care how attractive and nice the dude is, I'm not ready for anything close to a relationship now or for a very long time... if ever.

I had my first boyfriend when I was twelve, and we were together for all of two weeks.

But to a little girl who thinks she's a teenager and is desperate for any kind of love, it was as good as a steady relationship. We kissed more than we talked to each other, because I didn't know any better than to think that's what love was. He broke up with me to move onto bigger and better things, and I was heartbroken until I was asked out again a week after the first thing had ended. That one lasted two months, ended, and so on.

I know it's not like that for everyone, but it was like that for me. A bunch of dudes that never stayed, that never wanted anything but to get me in a dark corner and make out then move on.

I guess that was all I could offer them. I'm broken and ugly and they knew it... it's hard to worry about keeping your sleeves down when you're making out with someone... and I wasn't worth anything more than what I could give them physically. Because of my mom's boyfriends, I wasn't in a place where I'd let them push any further, so... they'd move on, to someone who was.

I know not all guys are like that... most of them aren't. But no decent dude ever looked twice at me. I was one of the losers who good kids were better off avoiding.

And I'm far from anything a good Christian man deserves anyway. I'm way too broken to ever be loved like that, and anyway, after everything my father put me through, I could never do it. So I'm glad Colton doesn't push and tease me about the text.

Anyway, he just needed something to say. Because there isn't anything a guy like that could see in me, especially after what he found out tonight.

Which brings me back to why I have the stuff with me in the first place. And now's a perfect time like I won't get again. Everyone else has left the room, so it's just Colton and I, and he's not doing anything else.

I swallow hard, but I can't make my mouth open. I finally do, and words catch in my throat. Finally, before I back out completely, I shove the bag into Colton's lap, get up, and run out of the room with tears sliding down my face.

I keep running out of the building and to the bus, flying up the ladder and shoving myself into one corner of my bunk, drawing the curtain and gives it privacy.

And the worst part is, that's not all. I still have one blade, hidden where I always keep it under my mattress. I kept telling myself that I'd get it out and put it with the others today, but I never did. But it's fine. I'll just leave it there, and it can't do any harm.

A minute passes before I hear the soft crunch of feet outside. Another tear escapes my eye and rolls down my cheek.

The bus door opens and closes again, and I hear footsteps coming down the hall. And, finally, there's a soft tap at the wood of the bunk. I don't say anything, but I curtain is slowly drawn back, and Colton climbs up to sit next to me with an arm around my shaking shoulders.

The tears on his own cheeks match my own.

He rubs my shoulder tenderly, remaining quiet until I stop crying.

Finally, he looks down at me. "Can you please tell me exactly what all of that means?" he asks softly.

I stare at the bed beneath us. "I just thought I should give it to you," I whisper.

"And I am so proud of you for doing that," he replies. "You weren't thinking about using the pills, were you?" he adds gently.

I shake my head hurriedly. "No! Not... not since a few days ago."

He nods understanding. "Okay. What about the blades?"

I bite my lip. "I mean... I guess. But I didn't."

"Again, I'm so proud of you for that," he says steadily. "but please, Lexi, come to me when you're tempted to do that. Internalizing it isn't going to make the pain go away, Baby."

"Nothing will make this pain go away, Colton," I whisper. "I know that."

"Trust me, Lexi," he murmurs simply. "Just trust me. And I know it's hard. But, please, just keep trying."

"Okay." It barely comes out audible, but he obviously hears it, squeezing my shoulders encouragingly.

"That's my girl." There's a long moment of silence before he adds, "I love you, Alexis."

I squeeze my eyes shut against a fresh wave of tears. And that is something I'll never understand.