- the poem in here is mine, please do not copy without my permission. I wrote it awhile back when I was going through some things so it's a tad personal. I know people hate reading long things like that, but I feel as if it fit perfectly for this book. -

- oh, an am I updating too much, I feel like I'm annoying you guys for posting constantly lol -

Michael's point of view

"Hey guys, what's up?" I asked and they looked at me. "Did the girls leave?"

"Yeah, called them an Uber." Calum said and I nodded. "You and Aleigha dyed your hair the same colour?"

"I didn't know I dyed my hair until I saw my stained fingers and pillowcase." I told him and he laughed. "Reasons why you don't dye your hair when you're drunk."

"Yeah, anyways um, I was on Twitter and there's rumours of you and your mystery girl." He said and I blinked. "Aleigha."

"Right." I said and sat down. "Sorry, I just woke up. What are they saying?" I asked as I rubbed my eye, my sleeve covering my hand as I did so.

"I guess it's mostly them exposing her and stuff. You know, what happens whenever we're seen with someone." He said and I nodded as I looked at his phone.

"Caught pictures of you guys walking into and out of the club." He hummed and I shrugged. "You guys are like matching."

"Not even." I said and looked at the picture. "I had a denim jacket, she had leather."

"But you had a band tee for well known rock n roll bands, ripped skinny jeans, and an ass load of bracelets on." He said and I shrugged. He wasn't wrong.

"It's was accidental. Let us dress how we please." I said and he shrugged. "Do we have anything today?"

"Just going to the studio and performing on some television show." He said and I nodded. "We leave in like thirty minutes."

"No one decided to wake me up earlier?" I grumbled and he looked at me. "I gotta get dressed, attempt to get the dye off in my hands."

He nodded and I stood up as he got off of Twitter. I went back to my bedroom and opened a drawer, grabbing black jeans. I took a thin, slightly see through black hoodie.

I quickly got dressed and then clipped a couple of longer necklaces around my neck. The bracelets Luke didn't hide covered my arm, most being Aleigha's cause she forgot to take them back.

I looked in the mirror, combing my hair slightly before fixing it as I normally do. I looked at the hoodie, noticing how it clung to my frame and outlined my stomach a bit. I set my hands on my abdomen, looking down at the way it curved outwards slightly.

I frowned slightly, turning sideways in the mirror. In this angle, it looked even worse, and I cringed a bit. I pulled lightly on the hoodie, stretching the thin material out. It didn't help much, but I had to deal with it cause all my clothes are dirty.

I put my eyebrow piercing in and then washed my hands about eight times to get the dye off. When it finally came off, I stepped out of the bathroom, sitting on the bed and pulling some socks on. Black boots followed and I stood up, turning my phone on.

It was noon but I still decided to send Aleigha a good morning text. I slipped my phone in my back pocket and then pulled my sleeves down a bit more before walking downstairs.

"Michael has a torso?" Ashton gasped since I normally didn't wear tight clothing or take my shirt off. "Oh my god, I didn't even know!" He said and it just made me more self consious.

If he noticed, fans would too, and it'd be all over the internet. If he was talking about it, fans would. They're probably going to tell me to stick to loose shirts. I didn't have a body like Luke, Ashton, or Calum.

I sighed quietly and sat down, sitting up straighter and sucking in my stomach a bit. I pulled my phone out and then saw that Aleigha texted me back.

It's like noon and I'm in class, but good morning.

I laughed lightly and sent her a text that pulling her phone out in class was bad. "Mikey's texting Aleigha!" Calum said loudly and I could feel my cheeks go red.

"Isn't she in school?"

"Yeah, I forgot. She just told me." I mumbled cause Ashton wasn't just asking. The tone he had was resembling that of disgust.

I don't understand why they don't like her. She's funny and has been nothing but kind to them, to me. What was so wrong about her? It's not like she's underaged. It's not like she's a murderer or stalker. She's a fan. She's eighteen. No reason to really dislike us being friends.

My phone buzzed and I looked at it. Calum looked over my shoulder and I rolled my eyes as I clicked the message.

I'm not dumb, I can hide my phone. They don't need to find out.

"Mikey got himself a baddie." Calum said and Ashton rolled his eyes, muttering something under his breath. "Wanna speak up Ash? What did you say? Didn't hear you over the sound of you being a lil' bitch."

"Nothing." Ashton snapped and I rolled my eyes, asking Aleigha what class she was currently in.

"Hemmings! Hurry up!" Calum yelled and I went on Instagram. I scrolled through my timeline and liked a bunch of pictures.

I saw a video on Aleigha's account and I liked it cause she looked absolutely beautiful. Her hair was straightened, as usual, and she had her black glasses on, my black and white flannel on along with converse and ripped blue jeans.

"Jackie" I heard Krystal's voice and Calum was quick to watch the video with me. Aleigha stood beside Jackie, her arms crossed as she watched her friend. "Jackie! Do it!"

"I'm not gonna dab!"

"Just do it!" Krystal said and Jackie looked around. She quickly did it and the Krystal yelled as the camera shook.

"You're both idiots." Aleigha said and the camera was shoved in her face. "Krys! Stop it." She said and she laughed.

"Lee! Tell us! Where were you last night?" Krystal asked, imitating paparazzi I'm assuming.

"With your dad, tell him I said stop calling me." She said and the video cut as the three laughed loudly.

"Savage." Calum said and I agreed as Luke came down. "Mikey got himself a baddie." He repeated and I pushed him.

"Appearance wise."

"You fucking know what?" I said, shocking all of them. "If all you're going to do is insult her, keep your fucking mouth shut alright? You too." I said and pointed at Ashton.

"Chill out Michael, we're just joking."

"Well it doesn't seem like it." I snapped and then left the room, leaving the house with a slam of the door.

-

I sat on the edge of my bathroom, a silver razor blade spinning between my thumb and index finger. The small metal was intimidating, the rectangular hole in the middle staring at me.

The sides were ragged, torn edges in the metal made specifically for cutting, but maybe not in this manner. It wasn't new, not at all. I've had it a couple weeks, the other was thrown out cause if I had too many, the boys would find out. I didn't want that.

I eyed my scared wrist, a couple of bracelets left. One was mine, a simple black braided bracelet that I bought online. The last was a simple blue chord, a single white bead with an A on it cause this was Aleigha's.

I stopped spinning the blade, staring at the bracelet long and hard. My eyes caught the shiny metal, and I ran my finger gently over one of the serrated sides. I didn't hurt myself, my touch too gently to tear skin.

I wanted to though, oh god did I want to.

The interview was shit, a majority having to do with girls. They mainly talked to Ashton and Luke, occasionally Calum, while he ignored me all together. The studio was shit cause my ideas got continuously shot down for being too dark or too preppy. My riffs weren't good enough apparently either.

"We're not that kind of band!"

I rolled my eyes, tears filling my eyes as I stared at the blade. I wasn't good enough for the band. My riffs were too 'generic'. Too 'predictable'. My lyrics weren't even given a second thought, just written down in a journal full of crap we never even look at after it's down. I was practically invisible on the interview. The only time I talked was when Calum asked for my opinion or quietly asked me if I was alright.

I'm not.

I lifted my wrist up, bringing the blade close to my skin. However, when the metal touched my wrist, the blue bracelet slid down, stopping right where the blade pressed down. It didn't break skin, I didn't press it that hard, but you can see the slight indents of where the sharp edges pressed down.

A small voice in my head told me to do it, to press it that much harder and swipe it. It told me that I deserved it, I deserved to finally be given attention, even if it was from an inanimate object.

But another voice in my head said that I shouldn't. It told me I was better than this, that I didn't have to do this to myself to feel better, to feel like I matter.

I gulped softly, the blue bracelet seeming more intimidating then the blade itself. I pulled the weapon away, small indents on my skin from where the razor was.

"I can't." I said brokenly and kicked the blade away, standing up immediately and slamming my bathroom door shut.

I shook my head and wiped my eyes as I sat down on my bed. I tapped my fingers against the mattress, looking down at the floor as I thought.

Why couldn't I do it? Of all times, why now?

I saw a small red corner peek out from under my bed and I picked it up, revealing a journal with my name on it. I took a deep breath and flipped it open to the last page I stopped on.

"This isn't an entry, but a poem I wish to share with you. It helped me a lot, and I hope it helps you, if you even get to read this. I wrote it but... but it's not that good, sorry."

I looked at the top of the page and then my eyes dropped a couple of lines to see the beginning of the poem. It was kind of long, and the first few lines took me by surprise.

"Untitled

Looking in the mirror
Nothing is as it seems
A smile tugging on your lips
But clawing at your throat is a scream

Laughing loudly with your friends
Ignoring the hurt booming in your chest
The joke hit harder than you'd dare admit
But you play it off like a simple joke with the rest

But you're so much more than your lies
You're so much more than your desire to die

With a heart as cold as ice
And a mind as wild as fire
Take a chance and roll the dice of life
Keep walking on that thin wire
Because you don't give yourself the credit you deserve
When will you ever learn?

You're looking down at a number scale
Your heart is inside your throat
The number has dropped drastically since before
Because you didn't do what the doctor wrote

Your silver buddy you love so much
It trembles as it touches your skin
And it presses down uncomfortably tight
Now it's a fake cat you've gotta pin

But you're so much more than your pretty façade
You're so much more than your feeling of being lost

With a body as weak as straw
And a will as strong as a brick
Stop counting every little one of your flaws
Because all the clock is going to do is tick
I know it's hard to change what you do now
But you need to stop before you're inside of the ground"

The sound of my heart actually shattering could be heard as my finger slid down the side of the book, ready to shut it. It hurt. I don't know why, but reading the poem hurt me.

Maybe it's cause I know what I do is bad and I feel guilty for doing it. Maybe because whenever I remember that Aleigha has gone through hell and back, it just makes me sad. Maybe it's cause I want to get better but refuse to take the extra step in doing so. Or maybe it's because she believes I can get better and I'm just giving her reasons to think otherwise.

I don't know why it hurt, but it did, though that didn't stop me from reading it over and over again and posting a single line from it on Twitter, quoting it and ending it with the pen emoji.

"You don't give yourself the credit you deserve ✒"