Aleigha's point of view

"Aleigha! Are you really dating Michael Clifford?" Someone asked me as Krystal filmed Jackie doing some dumb shit like always.

I looked around and suddenly a bunch of girls I didn't know ow were crowding me, asking about me and Michael. Some were ruder, telling me to stay away from him because he isn't into emo freaks who cut themselves. Others were a bit nicer, telling me we were cute and they shipped it.

Yeah it was nice to hear, but it'd be even nicer if I could breathe. They were so close to me that I felt suffocated.

"Guys can you please-" I tried talking but the people who were ruder were quick to cut me off.

"What's Mikey like in bed?"

"Is he sweet?"

"Why don't you ever wear your own shirts? Don't you have your own clothes?"

"You're such a whore, why would Michael go for someone like you?"

"I bet you weigh as much as the entire band together, what makes you think that Michael wants you? He can get supermodels."

"Please." I begged, overwhelmed with their constant babbling. They crowded me, and my friends weren't doing anything to help, just filming videos on Instagram with my phone. "I-I need space I-"

I covered my face when people took pictures, most likely videos as well. I took deep breaths as I sat down, rubbing my eye with the sleeve of my flannel shirt as a couple people yelled at them to get away from me.

I couldn't calm down, there were too many people around me. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think.

I stood up and pushed past them all, maybe shoving one or two cause I was really panicking. I ran from them all and then went straight to my next period, which happened to be Calculus.

"You're early Red." The teacher said and I gave her a half smile. "You alright? Need water? You seem flushed."

I nodded and she reached under her desk, handing me a water bottle. She kept them for the kids who had PE before her class and for the kids who forgot their own at home. "What happened?" She asked me and I shook my head as I took a drink.

"Just... Just panicked a bit. It's alright. I was caught in a crowd." I said and she nodded as I ran a hand through my hair. "Anything I can start doing beforehand?"

"Yeah, a couple of worksheets since I'll be out half of class. Wanna get started on them?" She asked and I nodded, wanting to get my mind off of Michael's fangirls as quick as possible.

I mean, I was a fan, but that was crazy. That's something I'd never do something like that, or let that happen to anyone. It's frightening to be caught up in something like that.

She handed me two worksheets and I thanked her as I grabbed a pencil from my bag, which I tend to always drop off here so I didn't have to carry it all throughout lunch.

-

I pressed the cigarette between my lips, shuddering a bit as I took a drag. I closed my eyes and dug my nails into my jean clad thighs.

I don't understand why their fans hated me. I haven't done anything. I've barely even talked to them. The last thing I did was stick up for myself, telling someone that they didn't know me so they shouldn't judge me. Was that rude of me? Was sticking up for myself wrong?

I shook my head and wipped my eyes since they were watering. I took a deep breath and then exhaled the toxic smoke, watching the cloud evaporate into the air.

I wasn't that bad of a person. Maybe I've made racial, sexist, and homophobic slurs before, but who hasn't? Don't their fans understand that everyone has made mistakes? Don't they understand that people can, oh my god, learn from those past mistakes? Aren't they aware that there's a thing called growing up and a lot of people have been doing it lately?

It was exhausting to go on social media and see accounts trying to 'expose' me, cause there is really nothing to 'expose'. I've never dated anyone, so there's no relationship drama behind me. I don't really leave my house, so no partying drama. The only drama around me revolves around my own personal problems and the fact I wear Michael's clothes every now and then.

What can they really hate me for? Besides the fact I have a couple of his bracelets, and he has a some of mine? Besides for Michael and I's friendship, what really can they hate me for? There's really nothing, is there? Or am I just that easy to hate?

Can they hate me for my passing grades? Can they hate me for my clothing choice, which is scary similar to their favourite band? Can they hate me when they've never met me in person? And those who have, can they really hate me for being overwhelmed when they crowded me while I was at school?

"This is hurting my head." I mumbled as I put my cigarette out, a bit worried cause three days in a row I've been smoking nonstop. That's a bit frightening.

"Lung cancer here I come." I said and then stood up. My phone rang and I answered it quickly, ans it was my mom asking where I was. "At a park, I'll be home in a bit."

"You don't have to, I just wanted to make sure you weren't like dead or something. We're heading to grandpa's for a party, if you want you can come, but you don't have to." She said and I nodded though she couldn't see me.

"No, it's fine. I'll stay home." I said and she told me that she'll leave the spare key out for me before hanging up.

I sighed and kicked a rock as I shoved my phone in my pocket. I crossed my arms over my chest and walked across a small bridge over a creek.

I looked over the railing, seeing my reflection inside of the water. I was always really insecure about myself, my chubby cheeks and extreme rounded jaw. My lips were a little thin and my hair was pretty dead, as Jackie just loves to remind me.

I was never really pretty. I was never the girl guys talked to or girls envied. I was never the popular girl with tons of friends. I usually just sat in the back, doodling on a school desk as people talked about me, a majority of the gossip about my weight and my clothes.

At one point, someone went up to me and told me, "There is a reason they're called skinny jeans, because only skinny people should wear them."

To say I was embarassed was an understatement. I felt ridiculed as people laughed and gave me apologetic looks, not making a move to help.

I tore my eyes away from the water, shoving my hands in my pockets as I walked home. My phone buzzed and buzzed, but I didn't pick it up. Mostly because I was too tired, too sad, to talk.

I pushed my hair out of my face and then looked at my scarred wrist. It was disgusting. It disgusted me how I had hit rock bottom, believing that something as stupid as cutting myself could help.

Why would it help? Why would leaving scars on my skin help my situation? If anything, I hate myself more because of it. It doesn't help, it never did. Why was I such a dumbass to believe it'd help?

You don't continuously add in to the pain. You don't kill yourself slowly. If you want the pain gone, you drink until you're numb, smoke until you can't walk.

You don't rip a bandage off slowly, you do it all at once, and maybe that's where I fucked up.

My phone rang and I pulled it out, answering it quickly. "Yeah? Hello?" I asked and I heard giggling.

"Leigha!" Michael said and I took a deep breath. He was drunk. "Leigha, do you like Calum?" He asked me and I leaned against a nearby tree.

"He's my friend Mikey, yeah, why?"

"Cause I hate him." He said and I furrowed my eyebrows together. "He's so perfect and I'm jealous! I'm jelly!" He said, dragging dragging a couple of words out.

"He's your best friend Michael, you don't hate him." I said and closed my eyes, my heart actually aching. Not because of Michael being insecure (maybe partially), but because all I could think about was the fact you go all at once or not at all.

"No Leigha, I hate him because you like him more than me." He said and I sighed. "You two are perfect. Perfect people go with perfect people."

"I'm not perfect Mikey." I said and took a deep breath. "Where are you Michael? Are you at a bar?"

"No," he said and laughed. "I'm home alone. Calum is with Krystal, Luke is with Arz, and Ashton is at a friend's. I'm alone."

"Can I come over?"

"No!"

"Why not?" I asked skeptically and there was a glass smashing. "Michael?"

"Cause there's a mess! You can't!" He said and I stood up straight. "Shh! Leigha will find out!"

"What will I find out about?" I asked and he babbled on about how I can't come over. "Michael...."

"You can't!" He said and then hung up, which only gave me more of a reason to go over there.

-

"Michael?" I asked as I walked around, seeing glass shattered on the floor. I sighed and grabbed a broom and dustpan from a nearby closet, sweeping it up quickly.

I steppee away from the shards and when I was sure there wasn't any more on the floor, I began making my way to Michael's bedroom. "Mikey? You alright? I'm worried." I said as I opened his door.

When I saw him, I sighed heavily again and went up to his unconscious body. I laid him on his bed properly, so his head wasn't hanging off of the bed, and I began to pick up the empty beer bottles around him.

"Mm, who's there?" He asked as I made a little too much noise putting the bottles back in the box. I was a little too irritated right now, and it seemednto show with the continuous clinking bottles. "What happened?"

"Don't know, you drank yourself into unconsciousness." I snapped, unsure why I was so aggritated. I was so calm and patient with him, but for some reason, this made me mad.

He drank twenty-four beer bottles, and they weren't exactly the smallest bottles. He could have seriously hurt himself. He could have gotten alcohol posioning. He could have gotten extremely sick. This was so reckless of him.

"I did?" He asked and I nodded as I crossed my arms. "Are you mad at me?" He asked me softly.

"Disappointed."

"That's even worse." He told me and I pushed the empty bottles away. He winced as they clinked and I nodded. "I'm sorry I-"

"I thought you wanted to get better? Michael, you're not getting better of you swap cutting for being an alcoholic. It's not helping anything. You're still slowly killing yourself. Don't you want to get better?" I said and he shook his head.

"I'm not an alcoholic!" He said as he held his head. "I'm not... I just..."

"What? Drank two entire twelve packs by yourself? Smashed your own China so you can attempt to keep me from coming over and finding you like this?"

"Stop yelling at me!"

"Michael I'm not yelling, you are yelling." I said and he shook his head. "Look at me," I said when he turned around, throwing a blanket over him. "I'm trying to help you but if you don't want it, then I'll leave. I just find it funny cause you begged for help and yet you're not taking it when it's being handed to you."

"Life gets hard, I know, but drinking away your problems isn't going to work. It won't make you less insecure. It won't make the hate go away. Maybe it will make your mind settle down, but in the long run, all it will do is give you yet another problem to deal with. Don't be stupid and think it helps, cause it doesn't Michael." I said and then turned around, shutting his door a little too loudly.

I shook my head and then crossed my arms as I went to the front door. "Wait!"

I stopped and I felt arms wrap around me from behind, his face burying into my shoulder. "Don't leave me alone, please. I don't wanna be alone, that's why-that's why I did this." He said and I set my hand on top of his.

"I'm so sorry. I was just so done Leigha. I couldn't take it and-and I promised I wouldn't cut myself again so I needed an escape and-and so I bought all those bottles and-"

"Breathe Mikey." I said and he cried loudly, gasps and hiccups escaping his lips. "Michael, calm down."

"You're right. I'm fucking myself over Leigha. I asked for help and yet I'm here ruining myself. I'm so sorry." He said and I turned around, rubbing my hand along his back.

"I didn't mean to make you mad, I'm so sorry." He said as I kissed the side of his head.

"I'm not mad, I promise." I said and he nodded. We stayed in each others arms for awhile longer and I yawned. "Next time Mikey, call me alright? Don't think you're bothering me, cause you're not. If I was bothered, I wouldn't be here rights now."

"Okay." He said and nodded. "I just don't wanna be alone Leigha, please. I hate being alone. I can't stand it. Don't leave."

"I won't, I'm right here." I said and he thanked me. "I've got you, it's okay." I told him softly.

"When I'm alone... I can't stop them Leigha."

"Your demons aren't another person, they're apart of you." I said and he gripped me tighter. "They're in your mind. You make them up. You think so lowly of yourself that you make up a voice in your head to agree with you so you don't have yourself to blame."

"How do I make them go away?"

"You have to learn to be comfortable in your own skin." I said and pulled away. I held his hands and he looked at me. "You have to learn to be confident in yourself, to believe in yourself. You need to change the way you think, the way you see yourself."

"That's hard." He said and I nodded. "I can't do that."

"That's the kind of negativity I'm talking about. You can do it, you're just not willing to do it." I told him and he was silent. "I told you, you have to want to get better. Continuously putting yourself down is nothing going to help."

"I can do this." He said and I nodded. "I will do this."

"That's the spirit." I said and he laughed. "Wha-Oh." I said and he nodded. "Always a hoe for Bring Me The Horizon."

"Same, let's go listen to them." He said and I laughed lightly and I nodded. "I have like... every album ever."

"Wouldn't doubt it." I said and he wiped his eyes as he smiled.