i keep having weird dreams oml i study in a catholic university and i dreamt of it but like, we were being tortured by priests to become an official student. what the fuck i need some hongly water

and uhh, the chapter title makes me emo, y'all probably know why

-jiro
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I woke up on the couch beside soonyoung, not remembering how we all fell asleep. then i remember, lee chan was here too, in the bedroom. i recall wonwoo volunteering to watch over him for the night. slowly, i tried to get out of soonyoung's tangled arms around me and rolled off the couch. then i noticed seungkwan who was asleep on the armchair, covered in blankets.

"where are you going?" soonyoung muttered as i tried to stand up

"i'm just going to see dino," i answered, fixing myself

he didn't respond anymore and fell asleep again in an instant. i walked to the room and gently opened the door, seeing chan awake and staring at the blank space while wonwoo was sleeping as he sat on a chair.

"good morning chan," i greeted, and he only looked at me. i walked closer and sat beside him as he continued to just stare at the empty space. he was wearing soonyoung's baseball t shirt which exposes the marks on his neck. it became slightly blue, though the red color was still dominant.

"how are you?" i asked him

"i couldn't sleep well last night," his voice was a bit raspy as he talked "and i have a hard time swallowing."

"i think we should get you checked up, huh?"

"i don't wanna," he muttered "i will be okay."

"but chan, we need to get you feel better quick," i said "your performance with your unit is on tuesday and we don't want that to be seen."

"there's makeup, minseul," he replied "and i'm going to lipsync because my voice changed."

"still, we need to have you checked up."

"but i don't want the police to get involved when the doctor knows about this."

"then we'll get a private doctor."

the poor boy finally agreed and i contacted doyoung to see if he could come over right away. fortunately, he could and he's willing to have the maknae checked even without charge. hallelujah he exists. dino wanted to wear his white mockneck sweater again so i let him. he didn't want to expose the marks right away. while doyoung was on the road, i did all of my morning routine and cleaned the house. about thirty minutes later, he showed up at the front door.

i greeted him and took him to the bedroom where he felt immediately sorry for the maknae.

"awww what happened to you?" he asked like a concerned mother.

"well uhh, just last night, something happened," i said "something really bad."

"spill the tea."

man, sometimes i forget that doyoung is a doctor. i mean, who says 'spill the tea' to his patients? anyway, i told him the whole story but i didn't mention any names. we made it sound like dino didn't know who did it to him and he doesn't remember the face at all.

"are you sure you don't know who did that to you?" doyoung asked and dino nodded "can you tell me how long you think the choking lasted?"

"uhm maybe about eight seconds," chan answered "i thought i was going to die."

"mhmm, you're still lucky at this point because you survived. ten seconds of choking will make the victim fall unconscious. the neck contains bones and cartilage that include the larynx, trachea, and the hyoid bone. the carotid arteries which are in the sides of the neck are the major vessels in which oxygenated blood travels from the heart and lungs to the brain. because blocking of the carotid artery with external pressure took place, it deprived his brain of oxygen for seconds," the doctor stated "most people wouldn't last awake when choked for about eight seconds."

"how did it stop?" doyoung asked the boy "did the man just let go?"

"i fought," dino answered "i did exactly what my hyungs taught me about fighting."

"i see," doyoung nodded "and then after that, he ran away?"

"yes, and i stayed there to get some air before going all the way here. that time, i felt so hopeless and weak but i managed to get here, thankfully," the young one muttered "i really thought i was going to die."

"brain death would only occur if the choking lasts for about four minutes," doyoung told him "now, let's see. did your voice change?"

"yes."

the short interview about the effects on dino continued for a few minutes. then doyoung finally advised him some stuff and gave him a short list of what he could do to reduce the swelling, including the names of the possible pain relievers he could take for his badly swollen throat. lastly, he told me to have the police involved to start an investigation about who the abuser could be, because there are chances that it might happen again.

when he left, i woke wonwoo up to watch over chan again while i go out to buy the pain relievers for the boy. once i got back home, soonyoung was already preparing food for all of us. hallelujah.

"minseul," dino held my hand "i don't want to remember anything anymore. i don't want to see him anymore."

i told him that he has to be strong, but he replied that i'm only saying that even if i didn't know what it feels like. i admit, what jeonghan did was the worst thing he could do to dino. but i decided to tell him about what joshua did to me anyway.

"he did that?" chan cried "he hurt you like that?"

"yes."

"i'm sorry that this had to happen to the both of us," he cried harder "nobody deserves to be treated like this, but i still hope i could forgive my hyung like how you managed to forgive joshua hyung."

"you will learn to forgive too," i replied

the poor boy continued to cry and it literally breaks my heart to see him like that. a few minutes later, breakfast was already done, and wonwoo agreed to feed chan. some of the boys came over as well when they heard of what happened. everybody was so down because the maknae was badly hurt. even joshua cried when he heard of the incident. he told me how he felt guilty that he hurt me when he was dating daein.

seokmin was busy making dino happy again while mingyu helped soonyoung with the food.

"hey, minseul," boo whispered to me

"what?"

"are you thinking what i'm thinking?"

"what? wait why are we whispering?"

"just go with it. i'm thinking that we should go to jeonghan's house."

"why?"

"to choke the fuck out of him"

"hey hey nobody's going to choke someone," hansol said as soon as he heard what boo told me. i shook my head at the ridiculous idea and stood up to check on dino again.

"hi," seokmin greeted in a sad tone "he just....can't be happy."

i looked at the poor boy and he was just like before, staring at the empty space. i decided to talk again so wonwoo and seokmin left the room to give us space.

"i want something, minseul," his voice cracked as he cried, tears falling down from those swollen eyes.

"what is it?"

"i want to leave seventeen."

i took a deep breath. this isn't the first time told me this. if i got him out of the thought last time, i believe i could do it again.

"chan, remember what i told you that time when you said you want to leave seventeen? when you were being bullied because you're a part of seventeen?" i asked while he just looked at me, "they're your friends. your brothers. leaving them is like burying your friendship. sure, there are several tragedies to mourn about, but the death of a friendship is the most universal and painful feeling, don't let your hyungs feel that."

"but i'm suffering and i think nobody could understand me anymore," he sighed

"no, no, i'm here," i wiped the tears off his face "i won't give up even if I encounter a part of you that I cannot possibly understand. because it's you and you're the most beautiful puzzle."

"you told me this before," he cried

"and when i told you that, did you feel me give up on you?" i asked

"no, because you mean it."

"what will happen if you leave them hanging?" i added "if you run away from the task at hand?"

"everything will be fine?"

"no," i answered "someday, the boys will hear every song singing your name. but they cannot feel the music without you with them. for every movement they will fear of disturbing the memories with you, the things you used to do. and as for you, as you walk to your destination, you will constantly feel the need to fill the whole empty space with nothing but transient happiness. surely, you will fall to misery because you know for yourself that your whole is to be with them."

"i'm sorry that i sound selfish," he cried

"you're not. i'm just saying that...knowing you, and your passion for performing, i believe that if you cut the genuine connection with seventeen, it's nothing far from isolating yourself from the whole world. and i don't want you to feel that way. that's why i'm telling you to stay."

"and about this problem we have to face, don't worry a lot about it. you got eleven older brothers who will make sure they get the old jeonghan back for you."

the boy had his head low as he tried to wipe his tears away, then he looks at me, his lips forming a smile.

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this turned out kinda gloomy, im sorry

kbyeilysm
-j