Falling Apart

"Your heart is my piñata." - Chuck Palahniuk

"Lily," he began as he stood up and moved towards me.

I raised my hand to silence him. "No, you have to let me say this," I told him. "You have to just let me get it out. You can't interrupt me. You just have to let me say it."

Grumbling slightly to himself, but nevertheless remaining quiet, James sat back down and stared up at me.

I took his behavior as an acquiescence to my demands, and it made things easier. I took a deep breath and then finally started to exhale it out for the first time in weeks.

"I-we-you," I stuttered as I tried to find the best way to explain everything that I was feeling. The hardest part was the beginning. I wanted to phrase it properly so that he would understand. I could not be completely candid, but I had to get my message across. "The thing with Sirius bothers me," I said finally.

"I told you that you don't-" James tried to say.

I held up my hand again. James was trying to sway me, to make me complacent. I did not want to become complacent. Things were not "just fine." James could not swoop in on his broom and fix everything as he always did. Some things no one, not even he, could fix. He needed to be quiet and listen to me. "You have to stop interrupting me," I told him. "You have to let me say everything I want to say."

He sighed and slunk back into his swing with a surly expression as I took a few more moments to organize my thoughts.

"I don't like that Sirius knows about this-this arrangement. Perhaps I should have been more explicit about this from the start, but I had never intended anyone to know that we had done this. It was just supposed to be two weeks, and that's it. Still," I reconsidered with a shaky laugh as the thought occurred to me. "I guess I should only be surprised that it was just Sirius. James Potter would have shouted it out to the whole Great Hall that Lily Evans finally caved."

"Lily, it's not like that and you know it," he argued.

"Do I?" I asked. "Do I really? I mean, it's great and all that you magically showed up to my house one day. Think about the last time we talked before that. It was on the bloody train. I caught you trying to spy on me while I ruddy changed, James! One person does not change in that short of a time. I don't know what game you think you're trying to play, but I will not be duped. I allowed this nonsense to go on because I needed to fool my family. The two weeks are up now, and I can't believe you told Sirius. Sirius cannot keep a secret. Merlin, Sirius can't even stay out of detention for more than three days!"

"He's gone through a lot more than you think. He may get in trouble every now and then, but he would never betray a trust," James defended angrily. "Sirius Black is a great person." He said each word with conviction that rang true with every syllable.

"Oh, I'm sure he'll be just dandy when he's blackmailing me at school," I shot back. "I'm so excited that I'll have to be his slave this whole year just so he doesn't tell the whole ruddy school my deep, dark secret."

"Sirius wouldn't do that." His voice was firm and unwavering, as were his eyes.

"Well, how the bloody hell am I supposed to know what he will or will not do?" I asked furiously, waving my arms around. "I don't seem to recall ever having a conversation with him that didn't involve either pranking Slytherins or asking why Hestia was not madly in love with him like all the other bints he scampers off into broomclosets with."

"So basically you don't like my friends," James concluded in a restrained voice that barely contained his anger.

"No," I responded. "I like Remus. I hate troublemakers. I hate that you and Black will be able to hang this whole thing over my head all year. Why couldn't you just keep this a secret, the way it was supposed to be? Why in Merlin's name did you have to go and tell Sirius Black, the biggest blabbermouth in the whole school?"

"You told Hestia! She's not much better!"

"I didn't tell Hestia!" I seethed.

James, who had been looking like he was going to stand up at any second, sank back down into his swing as the notion swept over him. I took a deep breath and kept going in a much quieter voice than before.

"I did not tell Hestia," I repeated once more slowly and a tad more steadily. "I did not tell Hestia because I thought that we had agreed that this would be a secret."

"So all this time you haven't told anyone about me?" James asked in bewilderment.

"No," I answered shakily. It had been hard. There had been so many emotions these past two weeks that it was almost impossible at times to contain them. It would have been so much easier if I had just one confidant the way that James had. Still, that would have ruined the whole plan. The point of a secret was to keep it.

James stared at me in wonder as his eyes indicated that his brain was working a kilometer a minute as he solved some inscrutable problem.

I waited anxiously for his reply as I twisted my hands together.

"Lily, why didn't you tell Hestia?" he asked finally.

"I told you, this was supposed to be a secret!" I answered in agitation.

"No," said James, his voice growing louder. "I don't think so. I think you're ashamed of me, of us."

"Well, why the hell wouldn't I be?" I said quickly. Instantly, I wanted to take it back.

His face recoiled as though I had slapped him across the face. His eyes flashed with pain, and his features morphed into an expression of deep anguish.

Instead of back stepping and recanting, the way I would normally have done, I stood my ground. In order for him to understand, I could not be nice or obliging. I had to be brutally honest. "You are the very last person on earth that I would ever think of dating," I said. "I cannot count how many times I have complained about your immature behavior to Hestia. There was no way that I was going to tell her that I had sunk so low just to prove a point to Petunia."

"So that's what you and Hestia do? You giggle about how big of prats me and my friends are?" James snarled.

I felt ridiculous and childish answering him. It was so petty and pathetic. I wished I could have been a better person who was above such matters. Still, if I could not be good, at least I could be honest. "Yes," I answered sheepishly.

"You know nothing," he seethed.

"What?"

He restructured his features, which had taken a darker tone. His face grew more placating. "Merlin, Lily, don't you see how stupid that is? You're just making matters worse for yourself. You make opinions of things you don't even understand. What's going to happen when we get to Hogwarts and everyone finds out about us?"

"What happens when we get to Hogwarts?" I repeated his question. "I get to school, I do my homework, and I get top grades," I said calmly. "I take notes, and I eat pudding. I do my Head Girl duties, and I pass my last year with just as much sense as the previous six."

"What about us, Lily?" James reiterated pointedly. "Where do I fit into your pretty little plan of academic and social perfection? What about the fact that I'm Head Boy too? Doesn't that mean a damn to you?"

I stared at my shoes and bit my lip. I could not look at his face, which still showed the slightest bit of foolish hope.

"You were never going to tell anyone about this, were you?" he demanded, sounding furious suddenly. "You were just going to go back to normal and write this off as a bad dream. Merlin, Lily, that's what you were going to do."

"Can you blame me?" I asked.

"Yes," James replied.

I chuckled without humor. "Fine, then. I suppose you can. Still, it doesn't change things. I told you from the beginning."

"Lily, this is insane! You're bloody insane!"

"Why, thank you, James," I muttered through gritted teeth.

"Don't give me that," he garbled. "You know it's true. You're basically telling me that you're afraid of a little adversity. Who the bloody hell cares what the Ravenclaws or the Hufflepuffs think? They can go to hell for all I care. What does it matter what they see and what they whisper about? All that matters is that we know the truth."

No matter what he said, I could not rid the image of Hestia's astonished faced from my mind. Worse than her reaction, however, was mine. I kept envisioning myself from last year looking at me now. I disgusted myself. I had gone from a confident young adult to a pathetic girl in way over her head with the one person I had always despised. The thought shattered my self-image into a thousand tiny pieces. "It matters to me," I told him.

"Well, then you need to grow up, Lily, and stop acting like such an immature prat."

I blanched. "That's rich coming from you."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You heard me," I replied testily. "You said it yourself. You were bored one day so you came over to see if you could get a rise out of old Evans. I did not ask you to come here. I did not force you into this-"

"Bullocks," James interrupted. "What choice did I have?"

"You could have left!" I screeched. "You could have left that first day, and none of this would have ever happened. You could have gone home to your fancy house, and none of us would have been any the wiser." I took a deep breath as James eyed me murderously, his chest heaving. "But you didn't go home," I pointed. "You wanted to stay because you thought it would be fun to snog me."

"Lily, that's not-"

"Oh, admit it, James," I said angrily. "Pretending it's not true is just beneath you. You wanted to enjoy the perks while my hands were tied. Didn't you? What was the first thing you did every time you had the chance?"

James stood up in a huff, and the swing clattered as he left it. "Fine, okay?" he snarled as he walked over to me. "My dream girl gave me the opportunity, and I took it. Let's all hate James for his deplorable teenage male hormones. I snogged you! That doesn't change the fact that you're refusing to see reason about Hogwarts."

"I told you!" I yelled. "I told you that it was all over before it even began. You were supposed to go home that day and never come back. You didn't. You latched on, and you wouldn't let go. That's not my fault. I told you how it was. You weren't supposed to stay the whole two weeks, and it is just ridiculous of you to think that this would carry on once summer was over."

"Ridiculous?" James said. "I'm the ridiculous one? Merlin, Lily, what are you planning to do at Hogwarts? Ignore me all term?" he asked incredulously.

"Yes," I answered him weakly as I felt silly for such a ludicrous notion. "And I would appreciate if you would restrain Sirius from impeding upon that plan."

"You," breathed James. "I-you," he stuttered as his chest heaved angrily. I could feel the frustration seeping off of him in waves. He pulled at his hair as he sat back down on the swing to steady himself.

"What did you expect?" I asked softly in almost a condescending voice. "That everything would be happily ever after between us?" I mocked him.

James's gaze flicked to my eyes, but I turned away.

"I didn't tell Hestia because that would make things too real," I whispered vulnerably. "I can't be with you at Hogwarts. The summer was just a fling, nothing more. It was a stupid idea."

"Why?" James nearly taunted. "Why?" he repeated in a softer voice.

"Because, James!" I sighed. "It just wouldn't work out. I have a plan for school. I'm going to be an Auror."

"It's not everything it's cracked up to be," James muttered darkly.

"Well, it is to me," I argued. "I have a lot to achieve, and it won't be easy for me. Unlike you, James, I wasn't born with every advantage. I'm muggleborn."

"Who the hell cares about blood, Lily?" James asked. "It doesn't matter. I always thought you were ten times better than everybody at school."

"Maybe for you it doesn't matter," I told him. "But I have to try ten times harder than everyone else to be taken seriously. That's why I work so hard. If I want to get ahead, I have to be the best."

"You already are," James pointed out.

"And how do you think I got to be, James?" I asked angrily. "Unlike you, I didn't spend my years at Hogwarts gallivanting with my friends and getting detentions. I have to work hard. I don't have time for distractions."

"And that's all I am to you, a distraction?" James asked, his voice cutting into me.

"Yes," I answered in a hard tone.

"I don't believe you," he answered.

"Well, you have to," I told him. "Merlin, James, you're acting like you're the best thing that's ever happened for me. You're just one bloke," I stated cruelly as the words seemed to cut my throat as they left my mouth. "Your own parents understand. They leave you all the time to do more important things." The moment I said it, I regretted it.

James stood up with gritted teeth and fire burning in his eyes. "Don't you dare say that to me, Lily," he roared. "Don't you dare lecture me about your insecurities and then make this about me. My parents have nothing to do with this. Nothing. Don't use them to justify your actions. Don't you dare," he snarled.

I bit my lip as I averted my eyes. "I'm sorry, that was out of line," I murmured quickly.

"You're damn right it was."

I nodded as I walked back to the swings and sat down. I put my face in my hands and took a deep breath as I tried to regain my center of gravity. In the past few minutes, it was like my entire world had turned around on its orbit. I could not see the end of the tunnel. All I could see was darkness.

James slowly walked over and sat down on the swing opposite of mine. For a few minutes, all I heard was the sound of his breathing slowing down. It was like an anchor of existence to me. I could hear it better than my own heartbeat. As much as I wanted to cling to that notion, to him, I could not.

That was not healthy. I needed to be my own person. I was not some frivolous teenage girl who was obsessed with some boy. I was independent. I was a daughter, and I was a sister. I was not just a pathetic girlfriend, pining for affection. This was not a silly squabble. This fight was real.

"You're right," I said finally in a soft voice.

James looked up at me with that same bit of hope as always.

"I never planned for us to be together at Hogwarts," I continued truthfully. "I let you believe I did because I wanted you to continue the charade like a good little boy. It doesn't matter what happened after that. My goal was never to have a boyfriend come September First."

He turned his head away from me as he let the words sink in.

"And I don't plan to," I added, forcing the words out.

"That's stupid," he argued bluntly.

"Well, thanks," I scoffed flippantly.

"Surely you have more sense than this, Lily! Merlin, you are in the bloody top of the class! Don't you see how ridiculous you're being?"

"It's what I've decided."

He rumpled his hair in agitation. "Well, then you're a bloody fool, Lily. C'mon, you know better than this."

"What if I don't, James? What if this is just my decision?"

"I expect more from you," he answered decidedly.

"Well, that's your problem, isn't it?" I spat. "You've built me up in your head as this perfect girl. I'm not perfect, James."

"Well, obviously," he murmured darkly. "If you'd just see reason we wouldn't be having this bloody fight."

"Stop ignoring the problems, James! You know something isn't right. We can't just go to Hogwarts together as a couple. We've never even had a proper courting period."

"Lily, conventional dating is out the window for us. So what if we didn't go on awkward dates at Madame Puddifoot's? We both hate it there anyway. The feelings here are real. Who the hell cares about how we got that way?"

"Some things shouldn't be bypassed."

"And some girls need to stop being so tiresome and just give the bloke a break," he sighed as he tugged at his hair once more.

"This isn't a game to me, James. I'm not trying to mess with your head."

"Well then you've been doing a ruddy bad job! You asked me to be your boyfriend!"

"Fake boyfriend!" I interjected.

"You snog me when your family's looking, and then you snog me when they're not. You let me take you on a date, and you wear a dress and smell like strawberries. You wear my bloody shirt to bed. If that's not dating, I don't know what is!"

"It's not this," I told him. "It's something else. This just doesn't feel right to me."

"Well maybe if you would just accept the fact that we are really dating and stop being so stubborn, you'd get fuzzier feelings."

I sighed and then finally just said it. "This is the end of-of whatever it was."

James turned his head abruptly to face mine. "No, it's not, Lily.

"It has to be," I told him. "It has to be."

James got up and kneeled before me as he grasped my hips tightly. "Please, Lily, please don't freak out like this," he pleaded. "You're just letting the pressure get to you. Go to bed, get something in your stomach, and think about what you're really saying."

"I have thought about it."

"Well, stop thinking like you have flobberworms for brains and try again!"

"I don't see any other way," I replied honestly.

He laughed shakily. "Of course there's another way, Lily! So, you're upset about Sirius. I'm sorry that I told him. That doesn't mean that things between us have to change. I'm sorry."

He put his face into my knees and wrapped his arms around my legs, as though holding on to me would ensure that I stayed with him.

Feeling overwhelmed, I looked up at the sky and felt the air leave my chest. I knew that to do this, I would have to hurt him. He wouldn't leave unless I made him. I had to convince him that I hated him, that I did not want him. I had to do it for his own good. "No, Ja-Potter, this is not about Sirius. This is about you. I don't want to be with you."

"Lily," gasped James, gazing at me with tear-filled eyes. "Please."

Taking a deep breath, I pushed him off my lap. He fell to the ground with little resistance. He looked down at the grass in shock, as though he did not know how he got there. I stood up, and my legs felt like jelly. "Don't beg, Potter. It's pathetic."

His features darkened. "So that's it, huh?"

I closed my eyes. "Yes."

"You've just decided that we can't be together."

"Yes."

"Without even consulting me about it. You've just made your decision."

"Yes."

"And I'm just supposed to sit here and accept it?"

"Yes," I croaked.

James gruffly stood up. "Well, here's a twist in your perfect plan, Lily. I don't." He pulled at his hair and started pacing in front of me. "I don't accept that. You can't just wake up one day and decide it's over. Emotions don't work like that. Yesterday, you were my girlfriend."

I chuckled darkly. "Your girlfriend? Are you serious, Potter?" I teased, feeling nauseated by myself. "I may be many things, horrendous and repulsive, but I would never stoop that low."

James's knuckles, which were in tight fists at his sides, turned white. "What about these past two weeks?" he demanded. "What about everything we did?"

I shrugged, attempting to seem aloof. "What about it?"

"Don't tell me that after all this time, you felt nothing," he snarled.

"It's the truth," I replied coldly.

"But-" he faltered.

"I needed you to believe that you could have a chance to keep you under my thumb. If you thought you had even the slightest bit of chance with me, you'd keep quiet. You're so predictable. You would have done anything I asked. You think I'm so perfect, the epitome of your desires."

"Well, excuse me for wanting to be with you."

"It was foolhardy, and it was expected," I said as coldly and condescendingly as I could manage.

"Why?" he asked dejectedly. "Why did you do this to me? Why would you take advantage of me like this?"

"I needed to prove a point to my sister," I told him.

"Your sister?" he asked. "Who the ruddy hell cares what Petunia thinks, anymore?" James yelled. "This is about us!"

I rolled my eyes. "Don't you get it? This has always been about Petunia. It never had anything to do with you," I answered in a scathing voice. "The part could have been played by any bloke."

"So this is what you think of me," he stated.

"Yes."

"A body to do your bidding?"

"Yes."

"To prove a point to your sister?"

"Yes."

"You're lying," he decided.

I laughed. "You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? That no one would be so cruel to do something like this for such a frivolous reason. Well, guess what, James? As it turns out, I am that despicable. The person you proclaim to adore so much? She's a freak," I said viciously. "I'm a horrible, cruel freak, and I'm done using you. You've served your purpose."

James blinked at me in astonishment. "Lily, this isn't you," he told me.

"What the hell do you know about me, Potter?" I screeched. "Everything I've told you so far has been a lie. You don't know a single thing about me that's real."

"Sit down," he ordered.

"What?" I asked.

"Sit down," he commanded again. His voice sounded so harsh that I did as he said without any further complaint.

"You, Lily Evans, are not a horrible person," he told me.

I snorted in derision.

"Sure, right now, I'm not exactly running through the hills to be the lucky bastard to be stuck with you," he added angrily. "But you are a good person. That's why I came here. You may have used me, but I wanted to be used. You mock me for being your ready plaything, but it is a position that I eagerly signed up for. Because, in case you haven't noticed, I'm manipulative too. You think that this whole situation has been orchestrated by you to reach the end goal that you want. Well, think again, Lily. You care about me. I worked hard for that to happen. I made you go from hating me to loving me in two weeks. Somehow, despite everything, I've gotten to you. I'm under your skin. You think about me when I'm not around, and you miss me when I'm gone. I'm a part of you now, just like you're a part of me. That's why I know you're lying. You're just scared. I've been holding back everything for ages, waiting to make my move. Do you have any idea how much of this whole thing I've planned? Do you think I ever really wanted to just be friends with you? I had to make you think you were in control while I was really pulling the strings the whole time. I made this happen. I finally got you to see how you really feel about me, how you've always secretly felt about me. Then, when I finally did, you freaked out. It's okay. Even though I am angry with you beyond words right now, I can forgive you. I should have waited just a tad longer. You weren't ready, and I see that now. But do not just dismiss this like it doesn't affect you. I matter to you much more than even you realize, Lily Evans. This was not just some lie to your sister. This was real."

"Don't flatter yourself," I told him. "I'm a good actress."

"Even yesterday?" he demanded. "Why would you need to fake a date? Admit it, Lily. You enjoy spending time with me. You care about me. You love me. These are real feelings."

"Stop saying that I love you!" I shrieked angrily. I walked over to him and jabbed my finger in his face. "You have no idea what I'm feeling!"

"Only because you never let anyone in! No wonder you didn't tell Hestia about us! You're so wrapped up in your precious image! You need everyone to perceive you as perfect, and you reject the only people who actually know you and think you are!"

"And you're Saint Potter?" I rebuked.

"I think you've already made it perfectly clear of your thoughts on that matter," he snarled.

"Hit a nerve?" I taunted. "It's okay, you have every right to be angry with me."

"Oh, thank you for your permission," he replied scathingly. "I guess that's the biggest problem here. I was unaware that I was going to have to request to have emotions from you. I did not realize that you were my master. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother with you, Lily Evans."

"Because I'm what you can't have, and that bothers you. The boy who can afford everything, and he can't have one thing. It's basic psychology."

"Oh, right, I forgot that loving you is just something I can turn off and on after I've already bought all the new shiny toys at Zonko's," he took a deep breath and took a step towards me. "Merlin, Lily, what is your problem?"

"You, okay?" I answered loudly. "I hate you so much. You had no right to come to my home and mess everything up for me. Hestia was supposed to come. She was the friend that was supposed to be living with me. Instead, you show up and ruin everything. Do you think this is easy for me?" I asked. "It is killing me right now to do this," I told him honestly. "Do you want to be the one to tell my parents that you're gone? Do you want to tell my mum that we broke up? Tell Dad that he won't be flying any brooms anymore? Shall you be the one to see Petunia's smug expression?"

"Why do we have to break up?"

"Because we will! If not now, then it will happen eventually. One day, somewhere down the road, it's going to happen. Nobody finds their soul mate at seventeen years old. Hell, nobody marries someone they met at age eleven. It just doesn't happen in the real world, James. It's too young. It's foolish. Couples don't stay together forever, James. Everyone breaks up. They just do. Isn't it better to do it now rather than later when there's too many emotions involved? This way it won't hurt as much. If we never become too involved, then the pain won't be as bad."

"And you call this a clean break, Lily?" James demanded. "You get a Troll in the human psyche, you know that?"

"I can't be with you," I told him.

"Not can't," he corrected. "Won't."

I did not say anything. He did not understand how painful this was for me. It tore at my chest just to be standing this close to him. Home was in his arms, and I was removing myself from him forever. I felt like I couldn't breathe. Our fight had only gone on for so long because even screaming at me, he was still here. Once he left, I would not be able to breathe at all. Still, it was better than the alternative. If not today, the pain would just escalate with time.

"Stop, please," I begged.

"No, Lily," he stated. "You don't just get to turn me off because I'm making things harder for you. I simply will not accept this. What is so wrong with staying with me?"

"We will break up!"

"What if we don't?"

I scoffed. "So, what? We're going to get married and stay together until we're old and gray? Don't make me laugh, Potter."

"What is so ridiculous about that?" he demanded. "It's what I want!"

"Well, it's not what I want," I hissed. "I have a plan, Potter, and you're not a part of it."

"It's James," he corrected.

"Not anymore. You're Potter. I'm Evans. We're done pretending."

"Lily, I never pretended with you," he told me softly as he reached out to touch me.

I moved out of his grasp. "I know," I whispered. "And that's why this has to end."

"No," he breathed as he continued to step closer to me. "No, Lily, you can't mean that."

"I just can't do this anymore, James," I told him softly. "It's so hard, and I can't keep lying."

"Then stop, Lily. Stop lying to yourself and just let this happen."

"That's what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to let it end. I have to let you go before we do something we can't turn back from."

"Stop worrying about me. You think you're protecting me from something, but it won't help. I'm already in too deep, Lily," James told me with a sad smile playing at his lips. He reached over and brushed a piece of hair out of my face. "I love you." His fingers ghosted over my cheekbone, and my eyes fluttered close. "I love you completely and always," he whispered. "I have all along."

I willed the tears forming to subside as I looked up and away from him. I sighed shakily. "No you don't," I told him quietly, my voice cracking. "You don't. You think you do, but you don't. Not really." I removed his hand from my face with shaking fingers. "You can't."

"You don't know me, James. You don't know what I'm really like. You don't know what I'm really thinking. All you know are the lies that I've told you. You can't love a lie. So, I'm sorry, but you don't love me." I took a step backwards on my failing legs. "And I don't love you," I said as my heart ached with every word. "So this needs to end."

James shook his head. "Lily, you know you love me." He walked over and placed his hand on my heart, which began to beat erratically at his touch. Then, he took my hand and placed it on his own chest. I felt his heart beat as quickly as my own. He ran his hands up my arms and then placed them on my face. "You must know," he whispered.

His lips met mine, and I sighed into him. James had this magic ability to make me feel better, to make me feel whole. My body told me to let him do what he wanted, whatever he wanted. It encouraged me to wrap my arms around his neck and comply with his every demand. I would move my lips with his, and everything would become right again. I wanted it more than anything in the world. For the briefest second, I let myself get swept away by him one last time. It would have been so easy to just listen to his voice of reason. Only, I couldn't. Not this time. He was in love. There was nothing reasonable about that.

Didn't he understand? I was mean, and I was selfish. But I was doing this for him, too. Sooner or later, we would break up. Something would come between us. We could not pretend to be together any longer, not when everything between us was based on a lie. The only way we could ever be together would be if it was real. This wasn't right. This was just more of the same. Eventually, it would kill us. It would be our undoing. Didn't he see what I was trying to do? I needed to protect him from myself. He was too good to crumble at my feet. He deserved more. He deserved someone who could tell him she loved him. He deserved better.

So, as much as I wanted to go on kissing him forever, my lips stilled against his. I forced my hands, which had been tentatively brushing against his arms, to return to my sides.

"Kiss me back, Lily," he pleaded against my lips.

He went to work again, tearing my bottom lip away from my top one and bringing it into his mouth. He was slightly more forceful than before as he tried to solicit a reaction from me. When he realized that I was not going to give in, his lips slowed on mine. "Lily, please," he begged. "Please kiss me."

Gently, I placed my hands on his chest and pushed him back. "James, stop. You can't just kiss something and make it better."

"But I want to," he sighed. "What's it going to take, Lily?"

"What?" I asked, not understanding him.

"What is it going to take for me to be good enough for you? Merlin, I've tried to reach your standards. The whole bloody world knows that I've jumped through every little hoop you've tossed my way. You'd reckon I'd done enough now, but like with all things involving you, Lily, it's not the case. What more do you want from me? Huh, Lily? Because I don't have anything left to give. This is it. I've given you absolutely everything there is to give. There's nothing left. Is that good enough for you? Did I pass your tests? Is my head deflated enough now that you've ripped my heart out of my chest as your trophy?"

"James," I said softly in an effort to get him to quiet his voice.

"Stop it," he snarled. "Stop evading everything and tell me the truth. Just answer the question. Do you want to be with me or not?"

"I don't."

He sucked in a breath. "Lily, please don't say that."

"It's the truth," I croaked out. "I don't want to be with you."

"Merlin, Lily, why the bloody hell not?"

"I don't love you, James."

"But you do!" he argued relentlessly. "You have to! I know you do!"

"You're wrong," I stated simply.

"Lily, you can't just expect me to leave. After everything we've been through, nothing is the same anymore! I can't go back to the way things were! I've just got you. I can't give you up now. I won't."

"James, you never had me. It was a lie. We don't have to go back because things never changed."

"I changed, Lily. I swear to Merlin I've changed!"

"Well, I didn't. I apologize for any misunderstanding, but that is the way it has to be."

"Misunderstanding?" he echoed incredulously. "Merlin, Lily! I will not abide this! I am not your slave! You can't just exploit me like this! You can't just cast me aside look a broken doll!"

I stared at my feet again.

He trudged over to me and starting shaking my shoulders violently. "Look at me! Don't do this to me! Don't put me through this. It's not right. It can't be what you want! You can't just stop loving someone! It never stops! Damnit, Lily!" he yelled. Forcefully, James reached behind me and grabbed the swing and threw it with all of his strength. It swung back and hit the poles of the swing set with a loud clanging noise.

I flinched as though it had been me it hit. Fear raced in my eyes.

His shoulders heaved up and down as he took in deep breaths. His eyes were murderous and wild beneath his glasses. I had never seen him look so animalistic and savage before. He had completely lost his composure. His fists were clenched, and I was afraid that he was going to do something even more violent.

"James," I said in a hushed voice as I reached out to still his arm with my fiercely shaking fingers. "Stop, you're scaring me."

He flinched away from me as though I had burned him. He looked at my petrified eyes, and I saw his expression turn to wonder at what he had just done. It was almost as though he, too, had just realized how close he had come to hitting me instead of the swing.

He concentrated as the animal slowly subsided, never completely leaving, but just receding enough for the man to regain control. He continued to breathe as his posture returned to normal. After a few moments, he gazed back at me with unfathomable eyes.

When he spoke next, his voice was contrite, yet forced. He kept staring at the swing and then back at me as though trying to piece together how he could have come so close to harming me. "I apologize for my behavior. It was wrong of me to assume that your feelings were any more than they are. I see now that any feelings you might have felt for me was just my own perceptions. I am sorry for wasting so much of your time. If you could please give me five more minutes to collect my things, I will leave you be."

His voice was dead. There was no emotion in it at all. Though he was facing my direction, he had spoken to someone much taller than me, refusing to make eye contact.

I nodded dumbly and followed him towards the house. He was not dawdling the way I would have expected him to. He did not take the time to look around for the last time, nor did he quicken his pace. He walked normally as though this was just a normal trip back into the house. He walked up the stairs quietly and then abandoned me in the hallway to go to his room without a word.

The thought only occurring to me just now, I walked into my room and grabbed his shirt. It was still wrinkled from when I had thrown it on my bed earlier this morning. I smoothed out the creases and let my fingers glide over the letters of his name one last time. Then, I quickly folded the shirt.

Without warning, he appeared in my doorway. He seemed so surreal with the bag of clothes around his shoulder and his broomstick in hand. He tried to smile at me, but his mouth only widened for a second when his quivering lips faltered. A single tear dripped down his face, and he hastily removed it with the back of his hand. "Well, goodbye, Lily," he croaked out.

"Wait!" I breathed as he turned his heel to go.

He stopped immediately, and I recognized the hope in his eyes.

"You should take your shirt," I told him as I walked forward to give it to him.

James's mouth tightened sadly, and he let out a mixture between a laugh and a sob. He placed his hand on my proffered arm and pushed the shirt back into my chest. "Keep it," he whispered. Swiftly, and before I could even register his actions, he kissed the top of my head. "Sorry," he apologized quickly. "Just one last time," he murmured. "Please thank your parents for me," he requested solemnly. "I am very grateful for their hospitality. I enjoyed my time here."

The breath caught in my chest. "James," I whispered.

He bravely put on a smile for me. "Goodbye, Lily," he said before walking down the hallway.

Frozen to the spot, I listened to his footsteps as he walked down the stairs and out the door. After five minutes had passed and there were still no sounds, I knew that he had really left.

He was gone.

Was this really happening?

In a daze, I staggered to my bed and lay down. I pulled the sheets up to my neck and brought his shirt to my nose. The charm had finally left his shirt. It did not smell like him anymore. It just smelled like me.

I was utterly and totally alone.

The sob that I had been holding inside for so long finally sounded. It tore my insides apart.

I had made him leave. I had ruined everything.

He wasn't coming back.

James was gone.

Story credits to Molly Raesly