I stepped over to the door, peeking through its tinted window. My hands trailed the rough wood for a moment before I pulled back, reminding myself of the abundance of wood splinters. I simply watched on as Mum revved the car's engine, idling in place. They were talking about something; Mum and Ethan both laughed for a moment, then her focus swayed back onto the road, and they drove off.

Ethan gave me a final glimpse, though I doubted he saw me. 

I had fucked up.

Pacing toward the living room, I heard a van parking outside. I recognised the sounds: the slam of the door that followed shortly thereafter and the loud, obnoxious hurried stomping. 

It was Dad. He was home. 

The realisation stunned me in place, a sudden panic rushing over me.

A cold shiver tremored throughout my whole body. 

The door flung open, damp air rushing inside our homestead as Dad entered, towering over me. 

"Son," greeted Dad, not even remotely bothered enough to look me in the eyes as he passed me by onward to the kitchen. 

Still, it gave me shivers. Our father-son relationship had hit a rocky spot ever since I came out last year. He didn't take it well. But he tried to be accepting, however difficult it was... Yet that came to an abrupt ending soon as my grandparents found out. They talked on the phone for hours, throwing horrible insults back and forth until Dad snapped. 

I remembered the fright in Mum's eyes when Dad lashed out with his verbal assault. 

He... He had wished them dead.

And that was when this whole shitshow took a turn for the worse. Slowly, over the many months, Mum and I watched fearfully as Dad became a bitter shell of the man I once looked up to - the man Mum fell head over heels for.

"Xavier," Dad called out, snapping me out of my thoughts. "Where is your mother?"

I gulped, nervously answering, "She'll be right back; Mum's bringing someone home."

Dad stood in the doorway, a raised brow, "You had guests?" He inquired, a diluted fraction of disbelief shining through his tone. 

I gave a confirmation in the form of a brief nod. 

Dad turned to face our kitchen and walked back into the room, leaving me with a mockingly cruel comment, "Unexpected turn of events."

A short silence befell us. 

I moved over to the stairs, my thoughts returning to Ethan's departure, dismissing Dad's remark. A few steps up, Dad yelled, "Dinner's in an hour." - annoyance woven in between his words, "Do not be late."

His words went into one ear and came out the other right away.

After all, my thoughts were only with Ethan - and the hurtful look he wore as he walked away. I felt tears wet the corners of my eyes. I had given him the impression I had not appreciated his company - that I had not enjoyed the small talk. But that was far from true. Today was even better than the day Victor and I kissed last year- Ah, God, that cursed memory.

I opened the door to my bedroom; Ethan wasn't there anymore, but I could still envision him seated on the hand-me-down ottoman pouffe beside my desk. Closing my eyes, I saw his smile - ear to ear, his shining white teeth.

I fucked up - really bad.

I felt unable to bear the pain, to be reminded of him. Still, I could not suppress the sheer joy of the moment, the euphoria I experienced.

Tears began rolling down my cheeks. 

Moving over to my bed, I laid down - but my thoughts were jammed, as though a great boulder of trauma cut the flow of thoughts off from streaming freely.

I needed a distraction.

I hastily reached for my phone, knowing I would not be able to draw without reminiscing.  Placing my thumb onto the scanner, I unlocked the device's home screen - the bars on the WiFi icon were dancing up and down for a moment, then halted in place upon reaching its crescendo for a final time.

A message came in - a brief notification popped up. I wasn't quite able to catch who sent the unread message, but I held hope that it was Ethan, who somehow figured out I did not mean to come off in such a crude manner.

I prayed, hoping things would work out the way I envisioned.

Opening Whatsapp, I saw it was a text from Jess.

" - Heyo, Xave! I heard you ran into some trouble earlier. Don't quite know the details, to be honest. But are you okay? - "

So many emotions washed over me; I felt like I was drowning in my own body, suffocating in my cries. 

I readied my thumbs to put together a swift reply, but I found my arms to have grown significantly heavier. I was at a loss of energy, both mentally and physically exhausted. I hadn't realised the length to which a simple mistake could influence my whole mood. 

I dropped my phone onto the mattress, along with a first tear. 

I was a mess.

Perhaps it was better I that accidentally shooed Ethan away? If I was such a mess that I even hated the person I became over the course of a year, then how was he supposed to like me? It was a saddening, sick joke life pulled on me.

"Oh well," I muttered, clearing my thoughts, "It matters not."

I bent my legs, tugging my knees closer to my chest, and then threw the blanket over my body. Finally, I was done with the happenings of today. I was tired and angry - I was angry because... I don't know. I think I am mad because I just don't know how to interact with people. Perhaps, that's why?

That question lingered in my head for some time as my sight blurred out, clouded and obscured by countless tears that cautiously trailed down from the corners of my eyes. Background noises seemed to go quiet. I lost track of my perception of time as I just remained there motionless, wondering if it had been hours or mere moments yet. 

Some time must have passed, at least, I figured so when Dad called out at the top of his lungs. "Dinner's ready!"

"Coming!"

Before long, I gathered myself and got up from bed. Crossing the landing outside my bedroom, I glanced at the small urn placed into the arched wall inset. I placed my hand on my heart, remembering the better times I yearned to relive. Ah, those treasured days.

"Xavier, darling, hurry up. Food's cooling down."

With those words, I stumbled down the stairs and took a seat at the kitchen table. Soon as I had entered the room, the atmosphere tensed up. Mum sat beside me, whereas Dad was seated in front of me, a solemn stare across his face.

Having dinner all together had become a rare occurrence. Mostly because I had altered my sleep schedule to avoid dinner at all times - falling asleep for an hour or two right after school.

The three of us sat, munching on our food, whilst silence reigned. 

Mum's gaze switched between me and Dad, then she turned to me, breaking the eery, unsettling silence. "So, how was your day with Ethan, Xavier?"

I waited for a second before answering, watching Dad scowl. "It was fine." I quickly said, hoping to avoid any sort of potential conflict.

"Now, now, haven't I taught you to express your thoughts and feelings?" Mum chuckled.

Before I could as much as usher a response, Dad jumped in, "You two think you're so funny, mhm?"

"What are you talking about, Dad?"

"You think your whole 'I-like-boys' gizmo is so fucking hilarious, don't you?"

"Eduard, you can't-" Mum snapped back sternly; however, it was to no avail. 

Dad was angry, and he did not shy away from arguing. He cut her off immediately, slamming his fist onto the table; the wood creaked as he shot up from his chair. 

"Shut the hell up, Roslyn." He roared ferociously, his eyes burning with disdain. It was a sight that had become common over the last year but never before. Dad raised his hand, pointing a finger ahead, switching between Mum and myself. "I can't stand either of you. How can you, no, how dare you defend this blasphemous prank of his?" He paused for a moment, but neither Mum nor I dared speak up.

"And you, Xavier, you sicken me, boy," sneered Dad. I felt the disgust bleeding through his words. "Your distasteful actions sully the good name of your grandfathers and the parents before them."

"Please," I mumbled weakly.

Dad shook his head in disapproval, "Go to your room, I can't bear to look at you."

"EDUARD."

Mum jumped up from her chair, her head red in anger. 

They began to shout, each yell carrying more hate and negativity than the one before. It kept going, and going; there was seemingly no end.

I felt my face go pale.

The whole ordeal made it difficult to breathe. I clumsily got to my feet, walking back to the door, step by step. I was afraid what would occur, yet I couldn't keep looking. I had never been one to stomach great conflict well, but this was pushing it too far.

I ran upstairs but could not escape their argument. I had crawled into my bed in no time, tears in my eyes. I knew it was a foolish idea to join them for dinner. I should've pretended to still be asleep.

I put my phone on the bedside table and was about to shift in place when another message came in, but I cared not enough to look right away. I waited and waited for a bit as my exhaustion took over the mental anguish, making room for an unceasing desire for sleep. 

I flicked the switch, and the light died for a fleeting moment, then only returned in the form of a fluorescent blue.

I cocked my head, facing the source. 

It was my phone. 

I tilted the device, sleepily placing my thumb on the finger reader. 

Then, my eyes shot wide open; my body coiled right up. 

It was Ethan.

" - Hey, - "

" - Can we talk? - "

────「♔」────

- 27/12/'22