It was still early when the first rays of sunshine crawled up below my curtains. I had been wide awake all night. My mind was hazy and cluttered with paranoid thoughts of what was to come. 

The morning had come.

 I had been wide awake for most of the nightly hours, but I was still somehow energised. And so, I got up from bed in my pyjamas - making doubly sure to tiptoe across the creaking floorboards.

Mum probably was awake already, and given the hour, Dad had likely left to oversee the construction place in the south of Oxford already. I reached out for the wardrobe and sifted through my jumpers, hoodies and other comfy clothes until I found what I was looking for.

Barton's school uniform.

A moment of brief hesitation occurred. My hand began to shake soon as I drew near to the fabric - flinching fully when I traced the jacket with my index finger. I had been contemplating staying at home this morning, especially after Mrs Cho's email. I had not expected my mentor from the year before to reach out, requesting me to pay her a visit as soon as I was on school grounds.

However, there was no chance calling in a sick day right away was going to happen. Much to my regret,  Mum became excellent at spotting feigned illnesses over the years.

"Xavier!" Mum shouted from downstairs, snapping me out of my train of thought. 

I immediately pulled back from the uniform, then stutteringly answered with a soft-spoken, "Y-Yes?"

"I'll be driving to the office today. Want me to drop you off at school?" She asked.

"Sure thing, I'll be in the kitchen in twenty minutes," I yelled back, pacing back to my bed upon realising I had forgotten to tidy up the sheets. 

I stared out the window beside the bed; I had always kept the curtain near my pillow open to gaze at the night sky. Often getting lost in thoughts whilst fixated on the stars above.

Mum responded once more, "All right, sweetie."

I got my things together and walked toward the bathroom. Having showered and brushed my teeth, I put on the uniform. I looked inside the mirror. The sight instilled a sudden rush of anxiousness. I nervously readjusted the crooked tie around my neck and straightened it out.  

Squeezing my eyes firmly shut, I slowly inhaled. My mind was full of poor ill-natured memories of last year, from the disgusted expressions to the homophobic slurs. It was safe to say I was uncertain whether people had forgotten about my outing. Then again, some school rumours retain their relevancy for a painfully long time.

I opened my eyes only to find my own pair of blue eyes perfectly framed in the centre of my thin, rounded glasses. I scanned my appearance; my hair was a mess; rocking that freshly out-of-bed haircut. I ran my hands under the tap, then through my blond, wavy hair. There were a few spikes here and there. I tried flattening them, which made it arguably worse by far.

"Ugh," I couldn't help but complain out loud, "Of course, my hair protests on the very first day of school." I shook my head, some hair locks falling in front of my eyes. I had refused to visit the hair salon during the summer break. Foolish, really. My hair had grown to the point it could definitely qualify as an eye curtain. 

Then I heard Mum's voice from the kitchen, "One moment, Mary," she paused, "Xavier! Hurry up. I'm leaving in ten minutes."

"Coming!" 

I ran to my room to pick up my backpack beside the bookshelf. For a moment, I halted, tossing a look at the calendar on the wall; a red circle marked the first day of the school year, September 3rd. 

The day I had hoped would never come.

I shook my head, then darted towards the staircase. I stomped down hard on every step as I rushed to the kitchen. Mum broke a smile at me, whispering a soft, "Good morning, Xavier," then pointed towards the bowl of cereal atop the bar, signalling she was still on the call right after. 

I sat behind the bar, quickly munching on the bowl of cereal and listening to Mum's call.

"Don't worry, Mary, I'll be there soon. I'm just dropping Xavier off at school," said she, rolling her eyes. Mum had been fed up with her colleague's early calls for months now. Yet she kept quiet - I had always wondered where I got that trait from.

Mary's voice seemed to grow louder. She clicked her tongue, remarking, "Tch, Roslyn, please, back in my day, we had to -" The disapproval in her voice was undeniable.

Mum shook her head, "All right, thank you for calling. I'll see you in half an hour," and promptly hung up. She was already wearing her black trenchcoat, ready to depart for work. Mum sat on the chair beside me, a comforting hand on my back; she looked closely at the darkened bags below my eyes. 

Mum was silent for a moment, likely recalling better times - the times I still slept and went out with Jess and the others. Then, she spoke. There was a sense of concern and increasing worry deeply rooted within her calm voice, "Another restless night, sweetie?" 

"Mhm," I nodded, finishing the last spoonfuls of cereal.

Mum had known about my... school complications for a little while. Dad did as well. Both of them understood, albeit Dad was, well, a bit less compassionate. However, neither knew how to combat them - to even bring them up in a conversation. And truth be told, I did not either. I was convinced that when the first day of school would come, I'd be ready for it. And here I was, ridden with anxiety - sick with fear of what would befall me when I crossed the pavements outside Barton's school campus.

I got up and took the bowl to the sink.

"Did you take your sleeping pills, Xavier? The ones we got at the pharmacy."

Her question forced a frown upon my face. "Yeah, er, I gave up on those pills about a week ago. I kept getting headaches from them, and they didn't even make me feel sleepy, Mum," I answered.

"I see. We might be able to try another prescription if we ask during our next visit,"

I rubbed the back of my head. Truth be told, I didn't want to switch to another type of sleeping pill. They frankly never gave me a headache in the past. Instead, they made me feel as though I was sick - as though everyone was right to find me disgusting. 

I mumbled a barely audible reply, "A-All right,"

Mum rose from her seat, tugging on her coat. "Then that's settled. I'll schedule an appointment, sweetie. But first, you've gotta go to school, and I need to masterfully drive myself to the office before I get another earful from Mary."

Before long, I had buckled up in Mum's Volkswagen. I always felt relieved I was nowhere near as tall as Dad. Every time we drove in Mum's car, his head would be millimetres away from hitting the ceiling. 

We drove around the streets of Oxford for a while. The rising sun had grown timid and shy, hiding behind layers upon layers of clouds. Raindrops drizzled down from the sky - a fitting start to a new school year. 

I stared out the window as the minutes went by. The closer we got to Barton, the stronger the emergence of a suffocating sensation grew. Unbeknownst to me, my nerves went haywire, and my breathing unhinged further with each passing street. 

Mum had noticed and laid her left hand on my leg - eyes glued onto the road. 

We pulled up before school.

I reached for the door handle, only for Mum to grab hold of my shoulder. "Xavier," said she, "I know school hasn't been easy on you lately. But I'm proud of you for attending regardless." With those words, she gave me a quick peck on my cheek. I smiled slightly before she motioned me to exit the car.

"All right, all right, I'm leaving already!"

I shut the door behind me. 

Waving me goodbye, Mum reminded me neither she nor Dad would be home for  dinner tonight, "I'll be home late, so one of Jess' parents will drop you off at home."

I returned the favour, waving twice before Mum sped off from the parking lot. I swear, she was not a poor driver - no, not at all - and rarely broke the speed limit when I was with her, but she distorted into a speed demon of sorts whenever I wasn't in the car.

As the car disappeared from my sight, I turned my focus elsewhere - on the crowds of students.

The new year had started - another year of cruelty.

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Yours truly, exLyrical

- 07/07/'22.