NOTE: Audiobook finally back in action! Check out kaelking12's emotional reading of Chapter 60!

https://youtu.be/tBhFTNWYrV4

CHAPTER 60

Elias

I never thought a burial ground could be someplace beautiful, but all it takes is a single look at Mrs. Sander's resting place to prove me wrong.

Lacey's mom is buried in one of the most stunning spots in San Diego. Cliffside's a quiet cemetery surrounded by sleepy palm trees and nestled right next to the Pacific coastline. If it were any other day, I'd take Lacey here at sunset, sit with our feet dangling over sandy slopes leading down to the beach, and watch the ocean turn gold. But no matter how badly I wish today was just another date, the reality of why we're here is a different story.

The thing is, I thought I'd be more ready for this moment than I actually am. I've been planning this anniversary visit for weeks. Pete finally gave me the chance to do something big for Lacey, and I went all in. Did I know if she'd actually agree to any of this? Absolutely not, but Pete kept telling me to "have faith in things hoped for but not yet seen", so—I did just that. Granted, I definitely had a couple panic attacks over whether or not Lacey would even want me to meet her mom, but by some miracle she invited me.

Luckily, as unlikely as I expected it to be, I prepared to meet her mom rain or shine. I even went as far as writing out a "Don't Screw Up Meeting Lacey's Mom" speech just in case I blanked on the big day. And what did I learn from all that writing? Speeches are freaking hard. Mr.K's been riding me about not taking notes in class, but I'm too busy taking notes on how to say the right things to Lacey. Chemistry can wait.

I've got a notebook full of ideas on everything I'd say. Pete's heard my spiel at least six times. Honestly, the guy's a Godsend for agreeing to put up with me at all. He's seen me through my stress breakdowns and freak out calls, and for that, I'm seriously grateful. But even with all his support, I'm still ball-crushingly nervous. No joke. Now that Lace and me are actually here, pulling into Cliffside's mostly empty parking lot, I don't know if I'm actually gonna be able to do this.

I shut off the car and smile at Lacey from behind my Ray Bans like I'm cool, calm, and collected when the exact opposite is true.

"You ready to see the woman of the hour?" I ask, but I'm not sure if I'm actually talking to her or myself.

Lacey reaches across the car and tangles her fingers between mine.

"I am if you are."

I break out into the kind of laugh that comes off way weirder than I want it too. If I keep going like this, she's gonna figure me out, and I can't let that happen today. I check my reflection in the mirror to see if the easy-going mask I'm wearing is starting to slip.

"On a scale between extremely attractive and heart-stopping, how do I look? You think your mom can handle it?" I ask.

Lacey cocks an eyebrow and stares down my ego from across the car.

"I think she'll be fine as long as you keep your clothes on."

My face heats up.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh, I'm sure you do. I recall a certain someone doing a solo strip-tease in front of my house earlier. We have windows you know."

My jaw drops just low enough for Lacey to catch my chin between her fingers.

"Y-you saw that?"

"I did. It was extremely entertaining—and mildly heart-stopping, but I may be biased. You might have to ask my dad if you want a second opinion."

I lean across the car, pull her in close, but stop a couple inches short of her lips.

"I was gonna kiss you, but then thought about your dad, and I lost my motivation."

"Then stop thinking so much."

Lacey eases me into the kind of kiss I didn't realize I needed. Her lips are soft and easy against mine, so much so that I find myself struggling to figure out how she can be so calm on a day like today. On the drive over, I tried to keep her mind off of where we were going. I thought she needed the distraction, so I turned up the radio and blasted Foo Fighters hoping that a little bit of rock music would help her forget about having to see her mom at this graveyard. But I was wrong. About her and this place.

Lacey eases away from me and gestures toward the car door like she isn't afraid to walk outside and take on the day. I freeze up for a couple seconds and squeeze the life out of the steering wheel like it'll ease the panic running wild in my veins. Once I pull myself together, I step outside of the car into the midday sun, and a runaway breeze from the ocean takes the edge off the heat. 

I pictured Cliffside being somewhere somber, eerie, and full of shadows. But the sun touches everything here. The air outside's peaceful. Calm. Quiet enough to catch the sound of the palm trees rustling overhead and the cadence of the waves crashing against the shoreline. 

Earlier, I couldn't figure out why Lacey didn't seem nervous about coming here. Why she didn't fall apart back in the car like I expected her to. If I were her, and it was my mom I was going to see today, I'd be in pieces. I'd probably be drinking or doing something stupid just to deal with the pain. 

But Lacey sat in that passenger's seat and sung along with "The Pretender" at the top of her lungs like nothing was wrong. Like the right power chords could take her to a place where sadness couldn't touch her. She air-guitared her heart out, giggled every time I broke out in my version of Dave Grohl's vocals, and every reaction was beautiful because all of it was real.

I know when Lacey's hiding or trying to put on her best face for me. But she's not pretending today.

Her grip's tight and steady as she leads the way up the stone path through rows of other people's gravestones. I'm trying to keep it together. I'm trying to focus on how beautiful and alive Lacey is in this moment instead of letting my mind drift off into darker places. I'm with a gorgeous girl on a gorgeous day, and I want that to be enough.

 I want the sadness that's painted over every inch of this place to disappear. I don't want to think about how unfair it is that the two of us even have to be here. Or how her mom's absence is starting to eat away at me. Or how Lacey's the last person in the world to deserve this situation.

But no matter how hard I want to lose myself in the soft warmth of her hand and the beachside calm—I can't. I can't get past where we are, even though I told to myself that I'd be strong enough to come here.

Lacey stops and turns around to face me when my feet stop working. I glance up at her briefly, just taking her in—hoping that the fragile smile on her face will keep me above water. But when she looks back at me, eyes soft and unassuming, hair messy and blowing every which direction in the wind—I see everything her mom's missing. I see a girl who's been through hell and back all on her own, but somehow still manages to smile just for me. Even on a day like today.

I stare down at my shoes the second I realize that not-crying is no longer a possibility.

The stones under my feet blur completely out of focus. I drag the back of my hand across my eyes like it'll make the tears magically disappear before Lacey gets close enough to see them. But she already knows. I feel it in the way she touches me. 

She takes my face in her hands and coaxes me into looking right at her—even though I'm embarrassed. Even though I'm more ashamed of losing control like this than she could ever understand.

At home, weakness has consequences. The King boys don't cry because crying is forbidden. Crying is something that can only be done in secret, or in the safety of my mother's arms, or into pillows where Dad can't hear. 

But now that I live alone with him, the rules have changed. I have to keep my door open so he knows what I'm doing at all times. I have to pretend that my house isn't a shell of what it used to be, and that living without the people I love the most isn't destroying me a day at a time.

I have to pretend that I deserve to be Malcolm King's son by acting like I'm as hollow and soulless as he is.

I have to act like I'm strong enough to be numb.

Like I'm past the point of feeling anything.

But I feel everything when I'm with Lace.

Sometimes more than I can handle.

And right now, I'm drowning.

The thing is, I wanted her to be able to lean on me today. I wanted to be able to stand tall enough to support her. To at least pretend to be her hero.

But I can't do that like this.

How can I take care of her if I can't even take care of myself.

I step away from her, but she doesn't let me move. She takes me into her arms and holds me exactly the way I need her to. I nuzzle my head into the soft slope of her neck and break out into a flurry of stuttered apologies.

"I promised myself that I wasn't gonna do this, Lace. I'm so sorry that I—"

"Do you know what I liked about you the most when we first met?" She says, and the light in her voice completely catches me off guard.

"I don't know. My face?"

Lacey bursts out laughing, and the sound buzzes through every inch of my skin.

"No, your eyes."

I lift my head up and stare at her completely confused.

"My eyes? You do realize I'm partially blind, right? Not that I couldn't pick your beautiful face out of a crowd, it's just—my eyes are kinda terrible."

Lacey shakes her head and lets a small, genuine smile bloom on her lips.

"I disagree."

"And why's that? 'Cause your stubborn?" I say.

Lacey leans in until our foreheads touch. I physically have to restrain myself from giving in to the impulse to kiss her.

"Because you've always worn your heart right where I can see it. I noticed that about you the first time you walked up to me in Mr. K's class. I felt like—I could see all of you right when you looked at me. Your eyes were wild, unsettling, but always honest, and I liked that about you right away. I still do. So don't hide from me, Elias. You couldn't do it back then, so don't think you can hide from me now."

I don't know how she does it, but in the span of a sentence Lacey gives me permission to exist—not as Malcolm King's son, or the screw up, or the party boy Mission Bay expects me to be, but as me. Ever since high school started, I've been holding my breath, waiting for someone to be okay with who I am, shadows and all. I didn't think I'd find that person. But here she is.

And all she's asking for is my honesty. I can hurt out loud without having to worry about the consequences because I have her. I can't believe I got lucky enough to have her.

I struggle to find the right words to tell her how grateful I am for everything she is. For everything she does for me without knowing. And when the words fail to catch up with the moment, I kiss her. I kiss her until we're both breathless and unsteady on our feet. Lacey places her hand on my chest and smiles up at me sheepishly before I have the chance to pull her to me again.

"Easy now, we still have to say 'hi' to my Mom. She's got wings you know, so she's probably watching us right now."

I stiffen up at the suggestion and scramble to smooth out the wrinkles in my shirt.

"Noted. Sorry, Mrs. Sanders. I promise I'm not like this with your daughter all of the time—"

"Yes you are."

"—just, most of the time. There's a difference."

"Stop talking, and follow me before you ruin your first impression, señor."

"As you wish."

I spin Lacey around, wrap my hands around her waist, and let her lead me further up the hill. We walk a little ways until we reach a small grove of palm trees lining the edge of the hill. Mrs. Sanders's grave is closest to the ocean—a spot I'm sure she would've loved if she were here to see it. Lacey takes me by the hand and runs over to her Mom's resting place like she's there waiting for her. 

I slow my pace a little, step up to her stone as respectfully as I can, and place the flowers we brought next to her name. I straighten up and step back into place next to Lacey, who's smiling at her mom through a fresh set of tears. I wrap my arms around her and ease her into the space at my side so she knows I'm here for her. So she knows I'll be here to hold her even when she's falling apart.

"Hey, Mom. Happy anniversary! As expected, Dad's doing his usual thing today, but—there's someone here with me I really want you to meet. This is Elias, my boyfriend. And he's everything to me."

My heart thunders away in my chest at Lacey's words. I lean over and kiss her on the forehead before I finally find it in myself to speak.

"Nice to meet you, Mrs. Sanders. I wish we could've met when you were still here, but I think meeting an angel's pretty awesome, so I'm honored to be here. Actually, I've been thinking a lot about what I would say to you if I ever got the chance to come see you in person, but now that I'm here, I'm a little more tongue-tied than I'd like to be. To be honest, I'm not the best with words, and I'm sure Lacey's told you that I get C's most of the time, so I apologize for not being a master at speeches in advance. But, I guess if there's one thing I want you to know, it's that I'm more grateful to you than I can put into words, Mrs. Sanders. Your daughter is hands down, the best thing to ever happen to me. And I know that sounds like a line out of a movie or whatever, but I mean it. She saved my life. I was in pretty bad shape before I met her. Worse than you'd probably be okay with. I did a lot of seriously messed up things to other girls and other people because I didn't really care about anyone or anything at the time. I'm sure a shrink would tell you I was acting out 'cause I don't exactly come from the best home, but my parents problems aren't an excuse for who I was or what I did. I was a screw-up back then, and in a lot of ways, I still am now. And I guess that's what I came here to tell you, Mrs. Sanders. Honestly, I know how incredible your daughter is, and the kind of incredible person she deserves—and it's not me—"

Lacey curls her arms around me, leans in, and cries into my shirt. I kiss the top of her forehead and do my best to keep going.

"Lacey should be with someone who can give her the whole world when she asks for it, be strong enough to stick out the hard days, and steady enough to always keep her on her feet. Your daughter deserves a superhero, and right now, at sixteen, I'm not even close to being one. I can't give her the world. I'm weaker than I wanna be. And I'm unsteady—even on my better days. But, everyday I'm getting older, I'm learning. I'm figuring out how to be the person she needs. The person who deserves her. Now, it's gonna take some time, and I'm never gonna be perfect at making her happy, making her laugh, or loving her. But you can be damn sure that I'll die trying. I've been trying since the day she showed up on my doorstep and saved me on one of the worst afternoons of my life. She stopped me from completely giving up on myself. So I have no plans to give up on her. I don't know if you're a big believer in miracles, but it's crazy to think that a little over year since that day, your daughter still loves me. And I'm gonna do everything I can to prove to her and you that I deserve that love. So I guess, what I'm trying to say is, I'm gonna take care of her and that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for my bad days, for making her cry, and for all of my stupid mistakes. I'm working on em'. I promise. But if there's one thing I wanna leave you with after all this talking, it's a thank you. Thank you for bringing Lacey into the world, Mrs. S, 'cause I don't know how I would've survived without her in it."

***

Thank you guys so much for being so patient (those of you who are still here)! It's been a crazy monthish and I've been so swamped I haven't had time to write. Regardless, thank you guys for still being here, reading, and/or listening! Depending on my schedule, I'll hopefully have the next chapter up next weekend. I will keep you posted about any changes! 

#REALTALKQUESTIONOFTHEWEEK

1. How do you think Elias handled meeting Lacey's Mom?