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CHAPTER 54

Elias

If you'd asked me two and a half months ago if I thought I'd survive the winter, the first thing I probably would've done is laugh in your face. And, you probably would've laughed in mine given that everyone knows California winters are a joke.

Then, I would've explained to you that the season I was talking about surviving had absolutely nothing to do with the always perfect Southern California climate or the picturesque rainbow sherbet sunsets that continually taunted me through the windows of my room.

Never changing.

Always staring back at me as I sat surrounded by the four walls of a never changing home that were far too expensive to be paper thin but were still a constant reminder that no matter how thick walls are bought and built, they couldn't silence a shattered broken home.

They couldn't hide the chills I'd get knowing they were the only thing standing between my dad and me whenever I was home. So, hands down, my answer to survival would've been an absolute, for sure, no. At least that's what I thought.

Then, one day shy of Christmas Eve, after receiving the gift of all gifts from the girl of all girls I gave my heart to—her silent answer to my whispered three words, I, for sure, would've easily said yes. Having her here, being with her at every free moment I could get was enough to get me through. At least, that's what I also thought.

Unfortunately for me, despite handing my heart to the only girl I trust to take care of it, life still wasn't gonna let me down easy. Even after Lacey saved me from caving in on myself.

Even after I begged Tanner to fix things in our family like the hero I'm still convinced he is. Even after it was clear that all his trying wasn't gonna change things.

I was wrong.

Our home situation kept on swinging. Cheap shot after cheap shot.

And two and half months later, I'm still up against the ropes.

In the movies, whenever a guy cheats and finally gets caught, it's always explosive. Huge fights, endless screaming matches, the kind of Hollywood drama that used to be a nightly spectacle at the King house.

But when it happened to our family, when Dad finally did us all in, he was so calm about it. He didn't try to explain himself, or defend his mistake, or apologize, he just sat down on the couch on Christmas morning and told Tanner and me that he was seeing someone else.

That he had been since my birthday.

I guess that explains his out of character gift to me, but it didn't explain anything else.

And I had so many questions, I had so many words I was burning to say, but I didn't speak.

Neither did Tanner.

He drove back to L.A. in silence, while I dissolved in the silence of my room where I was left alone with the sounds of my dad's hushed phone calls to some side chick from his office.

And then I starting running. Sneaking out of the house, driving across town, and climbing into Lacey's window. Needing her more than I should. Giving her less than I could have. Refusing to tell her just how fucked up my world was becoming.

And even after having to listen to me cry in my sleep and smile the next day like nothing was wrong, she's still here.

Spring's starting to show, and she's as beautiful as the season, but at least she hasn't changed. She's still here for me. With me.

Running her hands through my hair as she lies next to me in the freshly cut softball field grass. It's nights like these that I live for. Moments where it's just me and her after school, sitting under a million stars, silently screaming our problems up at an endless sky.

I wanna stay out here all night. I wanna lean over and kiss her until we dissolve into each other to the point where we don't feel broken anymore. But I can't stay for long tonight. My mom needs me more now than she used to.

She's been back and forth between San Diego and San Francisco where her sister is trying to find her feet after she moved out from Dad's. She stays in a hotel not too far from Dad's whenever she's here.

I stay with her when I can. I help her job search, so she can get her own place and make her way in the world, but none of it's easy. Nothing's easy these days. And as much as I love Lacey, my mom still comes first.

Lacey shifts into the space next to me, props herself up on her elbow, and stares down at me until I give into the impulse to find her gaze. She knows I can't ignore her. She knows I can't go thirty seconds without taking in that face, and that smile, and those eyes.

And I'm not shy about telling her that. I constantly tell her how beautiful she is and how obsessed I am with everything that makes her her, but she always laughs it off. She shouldn't. Desperation isn't something to laugh about.

Lately, I'm starting to need her and these nights, and these escapes the way I used to need—other things. Darker things. She'd think I was pathetic for being like this. She'd probably think even worse of me if she found out why I've gone back to being the boy who's more broken than he can say. So as long as I can help it, I'll keep pretending I'm not. For her sake and mine.

"Hey, Stargazer, you're awfully quiet tonight. Everything okay?" She says.

Lacey leans in close until the halo of auburn hair's hovering inches above me. I thread my fingers through it, just taking in all of her details and eventually cradle her face in my hands. Her skin's warmer than the early spring air dancing around us. Warm enough to spread through my fingertips and set my blood on fire.

This girl lives and breathes inside of me now, and I feel her everywhere with something a simple as a single touch. I wonder if it's like this for her. I wonder if I mean even a fraction of what she does to me. We've said the words, and I see how much she cares about me every second of the day, but, sometimes, I wonder if loving me is a matter of survival.

If loving me is as necessary for her as loving her has become for me. If I knew that, maybe I could finally be honest. Maybe I could tell her that the reason I can't invite her over anymore is because my mom isn't staying at the house. Maybe I could tell her about my dad cheating. Maybe I could tell her that my parents' situation is killing me a day at a time.

But then I'd drag her down to the place I've fallen into. And I don't have the right to clip her wings.

I pull her into a long kiss to try to say the things I can't and eventually pull away smiling like nothing's wrong.

"I'm good, I just don't wanna have to leave early, you know? Hanging out with my mom is fun, but I'd rather stay here—"

I snake my hand around her waist and pull her on top of me without even realizing what I'm doing or suggesting.

"—and mess around with you."

Lacey's cheeks flush dark red at our sudden closeness, but she doesn't pull back. Instead, she lowers her head down onto my chest and listens to my pulse running wild inside it.

"Really? That's not what your heart's saying."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah. It's split between two places. Where you should be versus where you wanna be, but you're stuck on what to choose," Lacey says, and her accuracy completely throws me. I sit up underneath her, and she turns back in time to catch something between shock and confusion painted across my face.

"How did you—?"

"Your mom texted earlier, back when you went to grab my stuff for me out of the locker room. I didn't mean to look, Elias, it just popped up on your screen all of a sudden and I—"

"Why would you read that without asking me first?"

My voice comes out louder and more accusatory than I want it to. Lacey recoils a little, and I immediately regret talking to her like that at all.

"It was an accident. S-She just asked if you could pick her up a little earlier from her hotel—"

"Did she say anything else?"

Calm down, E. She doesn't know.

"Not really, she wanted to know if you could take her to the airport before the traffic picks up which is why I was going to tell you to leave now. Honestly, Eli, I wasn't trying to read your messages it really was an accident—I'm sorry."

Lacey's voice hitches in her throat, and I should reach out to comfort her. I should tell her that everything's okay, and that I'm not angry at her, I'm angry at me. But the idea that she saw some part of my secrets sets me off in a direction I don't wanna go. I stand up abruptly, embarrassed, unhinged, and unstable, like I always have been and turn away from her.

"Look, I gotta go. You're right. I'm gonna be late if I stick around. I'll text you later."

The words come out like bullets. Fast, aggressive, destructive, and I watch each one of them hit Lacey one after the other. I need to apologize. I need to step back from being on the defensive, but I can't right now. That message just brought the reality of everything that's going wrong at home back into the forefront of everything.

I don't want Lacey knowing that mom hasn't slept in our house since that night in December. I don't want her to know that my dad's responsible for all of this. I don't want her to know that my family's falling apart. But right now I feel like she can see all of that. All of me. And I don't know when being honest got too difficult for me to keep up in our relationship, but I'm ruining things. One secret at a time.

I lift my backpack up out of the damp softball grass and start walking toward the parking lot without saying another word. Tears burn in the corners of my eyes as I walk, but I'm quick to wipe them off before Lacey catches up to me. She grabs me by the shoulder to slow me down, and I do. I always will for her.

"Hey, listen to me, I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to—"

I kiss her with everything I wish I had. With everything I wish I could give her.

I apologize against her lips and hold her as tight as I can until she feels how much I regret what I'm doing. How much I regret who I'm becoming and who I really am.

"I'm sorry, Lace. Please don't apologize. You didn't do anything wrong, okay? I'm what's wrong—"

She takes my face in her hands and holds me until I stop shaking.

"Babe, what are you talking about?"

"I'll tell you when I get back. I promise. I really need to talk to you. I've needed to talk to you for a while, there's just—a lot going on, and I'm sorry for not saying anything. I shouldn't have snapped at you I—"

Lacey kisses me quiet and rubs her hands up and down my back until the anxiety ripping through my body dissolves underneath her touch. And I know in that moment that I do not deserve her. I probably never will. But despite that reality, she's still here when she literally could have anyone else in the world. But for some reason, she chose me. She keeps choosing me. And I have to be enough of a man to live up to that choice. I have to make sure that she never regrets it.

"You know I love you, right? Even when you're stubborn, and moody, and malhumorado (cranky). Te quiero, ¿entiendes? (I love you, understand?)" Lacey says.

"Si. Te amo tanto—más de lo que entiendes." (I love you so much--more than you understand).I thread my fingers between hers and squeeze them as tight as I can, but she's quick to let me go.

"Then, if you love me, hurry up and leave, so you can come back already."

She laughs off the weight of the moment and takes all the tension out of the air with the sound.

"I will. Leave your window open for me, okay?"

"Always. Now go. Your mom's waiting."

"Okay, I'll see you soon, beautiful."

And just like that, I leave hopeful. Hopeful that tonight I can finally let all my secrets go and stop letting them stand between me and Lacey.

***

My mom's strangely quiet on the way to San Diego International. Usually, the first thing she does when she hops in the car is reach for the radio so she can sing along with Top 40 hits—Catalan accent in full swing.

But today, she insisted on struggling to get her two larger-than normal suit cases into the back without my help, climbed into the front seat, and has been close to silent ever since.

Once traffic on the 5 comes to a near standstill, I glance over to check in with her to try to get an idea of where her head's at today. I almost open my mouth and ask her if everything's okay, but that's the one question I've been trying to bury ever since Dad admitted to cheating. It's not like I'm stupid enough to not know her answer.

How could anybody be okay in her situation?

How could anyone else temporarily move out of the place they've always called home and into a hotel room with a smile?

She did.

No matter how much I knew it was killing her to not be around me and Tanner day-to-day so soon after the holidays, she acted like it was fine. We had our own version of Christmas in her tiny one bedroom and brought her her favorite things from home hoping it would help make some part of this bullshit easier.

She smiled even wider that day.

She smiled and held on to me and Tanner like she'd never let go. But despite how strong I know she is, I keep waiting for her to break. For her to finally open up about everything she's feeling so I can figure out how to help her. How to make some part of this easier.

But maybe today's that day. Maybe today, both of us can finally be honest.

"I must be in a lot of trouble to get the silent treatment from you, Mama. What'd I do this time?" I tease.

She snaps out of her staring contest with the freeway and finally looks over at me. Her eyes find mine, but they're unsteady, suddenly unsure of themselves in a way that I've never seen before. Even on nights where she wasn't sure whether or not Dad would come home, she didn't look like this. My heart speeds up in my chest, but I force myself to ignore the feeling. I have to if I'm going to make it through the conversation without letting her know how worried I am.

"Nothing. I was just thinking about you. You know how I get before I leave, mijo."

Mom's voice wavers in time with her eyes. I reach across the car and take her hand in mine to calm her down.

"I do. I've driven you here enough times to know that by the time we pass the In-N-Out on Damon Avenue you're gonna start crying. I even brought tissues along this time in case things get bad."

I nod over to the pack of Kleenex I left for her on the dashboard. She forces a laugh, but it doesn't even come close to reaching her eyes.

"And this is why I love you, niño. You know me better than anybody else. Even your brother. When you were little and things were starting to get difficult with your father, you'd always find me when I was down, throw your little arms around me and say, 'todo va a estar bien, Mama'. And I don't know how you knew that I needed you all those times, but you always made me smile. You always make things better for me, even when I can't do the same for you."

My mom's voice dies away in her throat as small sobs take their place. I squeeze her hand as tight as I can because I feel her slipping. I feel how different this car ride is from all the other times I've driven her down this same route.

Her past San Francisco trips never involved heavy suitcases she wouldn't allow me to carry or preemptive texts from Tanner asking if he should come down in the middle of the quarter to be here with us tonight. Leaving always upsets her, but has never left her this broken.

"Hey, easy on the tears, okay? We're not even at In-N-Out yet. I'm gonna have to pull over and hold you if you keep crying like that."

I smile at her, but the whole thing is forced and painful, but I do what I have to do. I do what she needs me to because she needs me to be strong for the two of us today.

"I know. I'm sorry. I just—wanted things to be so different for you and your brother, mijo. I wanted you to grow up loving your family the way I loved mine. I wanted you to be so much happier than you are—"

"I am happy, Mama—"

Will I be without you?

"—Every good thing in my life has happened because of you—"

So what happens after today?

"—Nobody's home is perfect but you made the best of ours—even though it's broken. You kept us all together."

"But now, I can't. I can't even live under the same roof as that man. I can't even provide for you on my own. I can't do anything—"

"So, do what you need to do until you can. Until you're independent. If going up north is what you need and if it's what's best, then I'm rooting for you, okay? I'm not six anymore, Mama. I'll be fine down here as long as I can talk your ear off everyday on the phone, and Facetime you until you get sick of it."

My mom laughs through her tears for the first time, and the sound of it stops the sadness from choking me all together.

"I'll call you everyday. Everyday until I find a way to bring you up state to live with me. Once I find a job, I'll find a school for you, and we—"

"School can wait. We've got time, so take it. I've got Lacey to take care of down here, so you just worry about taking care of yourself up there, alright? It's okay for you to figure out how to find your feet, Mama. I've always been hoping for a day when you could live somewhere safe, somewhere Dad couldn't reach you, somewhere you could eventually find your smile. And if San Francisco's that place, then I'm honored to be behind the wheel right now."

"Eres la mejor cosa que me ha pasado, Elias (You're the best thing that ever happened to me). You know that, don't you?"

"I do now."

Mom lifts her hand to her mouth and tries to cover the sound of her crying, but I still hear it. Her whole body's crying, shaking uncontrollably as we finally ease into the airport line of traffic leading to the terminals.

I grip the wheel to stay grounded, to keep myself in control so I don't turn the car around, drive home, and beg Dad to fix things. Even if I did, he wouldn't change his mind. He wouldn't leave his mistress for any of us because that's how he is. Family has never been his priority, but it'll always be mine.

I just have to learn how to live through letting them go. I survived Tanner leaving. I have to figure out how I'm gonna survive this.

Once my mom nearly finishes off the entire pack of tissues she reaches across the car and holds onto me tighter than she ever has. I breathe in her smell and let the memory of her sink into my skin and bury itself somewhere I won't forget it.

I pull up to her terminal drop off point, turn off the car, and silently tell myself that I can do this. I tell myself that I'm fine as I walk her out of the car, grab her suitcases, and hug her one last time before she disappears between the sliding doors.

I stand there for I don't know how long, still staring at the space where she used to be.

And then my heart breaks.

Completely.

Snaps clean into a million pieces and scatters all over the grimy airport concrete.

The force of it nearly takes me to ground, but I start sprinting after my mom before I totally fall apart.

I brush shoulders with a couple people and draw half the airport's attention as I run toward security and after her. I'm breaking a million rules and disturbing everyone and everything around me as I call out her name, but I don't care as long as she hears me. I hope to God that she can still hear me.

I shove my way through the passenger line until I reach the point where all that's separating me from getting to my mom is the security check point. I try to rush through the metal detector, but a bald TSA guy three times my size steps in my way to stop me.

I tell him that I'm looking for my mom, that I just need to see her smile and hold on to her one more time. So I know she's okay. So I know I'll be okay. But he denies me the chance. He quietly ushers me out of the airport and back out to my car instead of hearing me out. He tells me to pull myself together and motions for me to leave before any other security has to be called.

And I listen.

I follow his orders without a fight because all the fight I had just left on a plane to San Francisco.

Once he's done talking to me, I get back in the car, where it's terribly silent, and fill it with sound.

I turn on the radio, so I don't have to hear myself screaming as I enter the freeway. I turn off my phone, so I don't have to hear the sound of Lacey calling to ask if I'm on my way to where she is.

I turn the car in the opposite direction of her house and mine, and for the first time in over a year, I shut off my conscience.

I tune out the voice that knows the difference between good and bad. Between right and wrong.

And let myself go dark.

Because at least in the shadows, I can forget what it's like to be me for a little while.

***

Thank you so much for reading/listening you guys! kaelking12 and I spent a lot of time putting together this major moment in Elias's life. We hope that it moved you and that you can understand where Elias is at this huge turning point. Next update should be next weekend!

#RealTalkQuestionoftheWeek

1. Where do you think Maria's departure will leave Elias emotionally?

2. How do you think Lacey will handle the changes in Elias?