NOTE: This chapter was hilarious to record. So if you're in the mood for some comedy tune into kaelking12's recording!

https://youtu.be/sF89xinqTMc

CHAPTER 47 

Elias

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: GIRL ADVICE NEEDED ASAP

Date: July 2nd, 8:23 am

Hey almost college boy,

Need your help. Like right now, right now. So ifyou're in the middle of your morning bang—finish up and check your email. Stat.

-E

PS: You gotta give me points for not texting you before 9:00 am up until now. I would've stuck to your usual rules 'cause I know UCLA/Caleigh/being an adult is taking up all your time, but this is important. Get back to me.

***

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: Re: GIRL ADVICE NEEDED ASAP

Date: July 2nd, 8:40 am

Hey Stranger,

First off, don't call me a boy, I haven't been that since Caleigh and I...well, let's just leave it at since Caleigh.

Second, I'm not almost a college man, I am one, so no more low blowing your older bro or no help in the chica department, comprende?

And, third, I'm gone for nearly a month and this is the first thing you send me. Thanks for checking in, little bro. Anyway, is everything okay? You can call if it's important. I'll slip out so we can talk. Literally :P.

-T

***

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: GIRL ADVICE NEEDED ASAP

Date: July 2nd, 8:47 am

You're a dog.

And no, don't call. I don't wanna hear what you sound like after doing what I know you've been doing with your girlfriend.

Anyway, speaking of girls, I'm planning something kinda big for Lacey, and I wanted to run it by you.

But before that happens, I'll fill you in on how things are here now that you left so you stop texting me every hour.

You haven't even been gone that long so maybe ease up on the big brother spam, okay?

I'm fine. So is Mom. Dad's still a dick (but less so these days) so everything's pretty much the same back home. And don't worry, I'm not gonna die or set the house on fire just because you left for orientation.

Mom's got her eye on me so you just do your thing at UCLA with Caleigh, and I'll handle things here.

Trust me for a change. I might surprise you.

I'm a changed man now, Tan—thanks to a certain someone :).

You're not gonna get anymore drunken voicemails from me or any pissed off "I wanna disown Eli" texts from Dad anymore.

I've got better things to do these days than party. I figure now that you're not around anymore to nag me about what I've been doing with my summer, I'll let you in on what I've been up to. But only if you have time. If not, I'll just skip to my emergency advice request.

Let me know.

-E

***

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: GIRL ADVICE NEEDED ASAP

Date: July 2nd, 9:02 am

I have time. Caleigh's asleep, and we don't have orientation until 12:00. I'm curious about your transformation. Are you sure you're my brother? How do I know I'm not talking to an alien hijacking Elias's body?

Kidding. Lay it on me, little man.

By the way, how've you been? I was pretty worried about you when Caleigh and I left for LA. I would've stuck around longer if Mom wasn't super paranoid about me and Cal settling into our new place on time. You know how she is. Anyway, spill.

It sounds like you're in better shape then when I left you—which is really good news. If you're happy, I'm happy.

-T

***

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: GIRL ADVICE NEEDED ASAP

Date: July 2nd, 9:12 am

Dude, you have no idea how much better I'm doing. Remember, when the school year ended, and I grew enough baby hairs on my chin to almost count as a five o'clock shadow?

Well, I shaved it.

And I cut my hair.

Boom. Progress.

And I'm showering again so give me bonus points for that one. It's a load less on Mom too—literally. She was starting to complain about the smell in my room and having to double up on laundry detergent.

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry for making you worry like I did. And, I'm sorry you had to see me wandering around like a transient when you should've been enjoying the end of your senior year. I know how important the last couple weeks before graduation were for you and Caleigh, but I was so down about Lacey that I wasn't acting my best back then.

I owe you guys.

Maybe I'll treat you to an "I'm sorry I sucked" dinner where I actually eat and enjoy myself instead of picking at my plate.

Honest.

Anytime you want me to treat you guys just say the word (but watch the prices, man. My allowance only goes so far).

I plan on visiting you losers a lot now that you're living in my dream city. Once I get my license next month expect a guest.

Or two :).

Anyway, back to the reason I sent this—I want your advice on Lacey.

Let that sink in.

I'm genuinely asking for your input for once. Enjoy it while it lasts.

Anyway, you know how she disappeared a month before school ended, and I thought she was gone for good even though you said otherwise?

Well, miracles are real man.

And I know that sounds nuts coming from me, but you're not gonna believe this.

So, up until about a month ago, I didn't really believe in miracles. I mean, I'd read about them in church a bunch of times. You know Mom's always been a big believer, but no matter how often she's slapped me for not being sold on them, I couldn't buy into it. I figured miracles were for special people. Good people. The kind who've never really done anything wrong in life but whose circumstances keep screwing them over anyway. I get why couples who save puppies or rich guys who give up everything get tailor-made miracles.

But people like me don't really deserve them.

I'm not even close to being a good guy.

You probably know that better than anybody else, Tan.

Part of being "good" is learning how to let something—or someone—go, but I couldn't do that with Lacey. Even though she broke up with me, I couldn't accept it. Like at all. I called her an embarrassing amount of times after the fact hoping she'd let me talk her out of it. She never answered. And when she stopped coming to school, I tried to track down the girls who run the Gawker to see if they were responsible for Lacey being gone. Nobody would give me their names. Nobody would give me any answers.

I should've given up back then, but I couldn't. But I also wasn't talking to anyone about what I was going through—including you. And I'm sorry.

I know you tried to get me back on my feet. But I felt like I fell a thousand stories when Lacey left. I physically felt her missing, Tanner. I don't know if you know what that's like, but I hope you never do.

I didn't even let you in on how bad things got socially. I stopped talking to pretty-much everybody and spent my time doing crazy things like studying and actually applying myself in school.

That's right.

Miracle #1: I passed last semester, dude. Mom got my report cards like right after you left for LA. I mean it wasn't anything special.

But C's are better than failing, right?

Not only did I pass, but I landed a part-time summer job.

Coach Calloway's gonna pay me to be his supply closet slave/cleaner/security person.

Sweet, right?

I'll let you shower me with praise before I continue. I know you're proud :).

-E

***

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: Re: GIRL ADVICE NEEDED ASAP

Date: July 2nd, 9:34 am

I am. A job and semi-decent grades? I gotta tell Caleigh when she wakes up. She's not gonna believe it.

I'm amazed. So all we have to do to get your grades up is ask Lacey to break up with you right before finals?

Noted. I'll give her a call before winter break.

Tell me all about this new job you have. You have never worked a day in your life so I can't wait to hear what Coach has you doing. And be honest. I'm tight with Coach C so I'll know if you're lying.

-T

***

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: GIRL ADVICE NEEDED ASAP

Date: July 2nd, 9:47 am

Shut up. I can work. And I'm good at it too.

Coach gave me a decent gig.

I get to hang around the softball field which is a pretty cool place once you spend a little time there.

Did I do it for the money?

No.

Did I do it hoping I'd see Lacey?

Absolutely.

Don't judge me, okay?

I was just hoping that I could see her from time to time if she ever came back to Mission Bay.

And, yes, I know that's creepy, but don't act like you've never creeped on a girl before.

Long term relationships are just extended excuses to creep. So technically, dude, Tan...you a creep. And before you get your tighties in a twist, let me explain.

Every dude who's ever been into a chick is a creep. And, no matter what they say, chicks dig creeps. It's just about being the creep she likes enough to keep around.

Quote me.

Anyway, the first few weeks I started this job, I'd basically given up on Lacey coming back. I kept hoping she'd show day in and day out and when she didn't, I started going to church again (which Mom is still over the moon about by the way).

For the record, I didn't go 'cause she wanted me to, I went 'cause I had to. I was going out of my mind, and I had to talk to someone. Who better to tell about everything I couldn't say to anyone else than God.

I kept having this idea that maybe if I prayed and improved myself enough that Lacey would magically come back from wherever she disappeared to and give me another chance.

And then she did.

She's back, Tanner. BOOM: Miracle #2.

And she didn't just come back, but we've been hanging out everyday ever since.

Granted, we're not—dating-dating.

Yet ;).

We've been doing the whole "friend" thing ever since she got back from this program she was at 'cause I don't wanna stress her out or anything. But it's been good.

Torturous but good.

We talked everyday before practice, and she lets me walk her home most days. Her dad's never there when we get back to her place which is the only reason why she lets me walk her that far.

And that's where I need your help.

Me and Lace are good right now. Like really good. I talk to her more than anybody else, and she's opened up to me about a lot of things I can't tell you about.

But I'm so proud of her for being who she is, Tan. She's been through a lot, and I respect that she's still fighting to stay standing. She's always talking about how she wants to make life better for everybody around her now that she's back. But she makes everything better everytime we hang out. I just don't have the balls to tell her that.

But I want to.

I want her back, Tan.

Badly.

But I don't feel like I have the right to ask.

You know how badly I blew things after Spring Break. I put her in a terrible position, and I don't know how to convince her to fully trust me again. But I'm trying. I listen to her more. I do my best to be there for her and take care of her in little ways like leaving a Gatorade in her locker before practice ends, or sneaking her Snickers bars on the DL.

It's elementary school, I know. But I'm trying.

And she seems to be—okay with it.

Happy even.

She's always smiling and laughing when she's hanging out with me—so that's a good thing, right?

She's gorgeous when she laughs, Tanner. Real talk. Lacey gives Caleigh a run for her money, and while I know I'm supposed to be playing it cool, I—l'm losing it, man.

And the more we hang out the worse it gets.

So I have this plan—and she might not go with it, but I'm taking a leap of faith here.

Lacey's dropped a couple hints about her dad basically being the main reason why we can't do too much more aside from the friend thing right now. So I'm planning on dressing up all nice, taking the bus to her dad's place, and asking for his permission to date her again.

I'm not sure if he ever knew we were together in the first place, but I wanna do things right this time.

No sneaking around. No nonsense. I wanna be a man about things this time. I also wanna make Lacey happy, and if she knows that I took initiative and talked to her dad first, I hope she'll respect that.

If I can make her dad see that I'm serious about her, then I think maybe Lacey will understand where my heart is. And that I've changed. And that I can take care of her and will take care of her no matter what this time.

I know who she is. I know how fragile she is, and I can't afford to let the bullshit at Mission Bay come anywhere near her this time.

I wanna be the guy you are for Caleigh, Tan. I wanna stop being scared of everything because she doesn't need someone like that. She needs someone stable, and I can be that person for her. I'll do whatever it takes because I haven't wanted to be with anyone this badly, ever. She's beyond worth it, Tanner.

So I'm going for it.

I'm open to any suggestions on how to win the pops over, but any other suggestions (as in your typical "Don't do this, Elias. You're not ready, Elias.") will not be accepted.

Let me know what you think—sooner rather than later, aight?

Later,

-E

***

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: Re: GIRL ADVICE NEEDED ASAP

Date: July 2nd, 10:12 am

Hey Elias,

Wow. I missed out on a lot . Why did you wait to turn awesome until after I left? I'm super proud of you, little bro.

And I'm 100% on board with your plans to win Lacey back. Just be careful about the pop's thing. She might be a little weirded out if you talk to her dad without giving her a head's up first. But then again, she might like surprises. Go with your gut.

Either way, if or when it happens, know that I'm always rooting for you, hermano.

Speak soon,

-T

***

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: Re: Re: GIRL ADVICE NEEDED ASAP

Date: July 2nd, 10:30 am

Thanks man. I'm actually on my way to her dad's right now (just left) so I'm praying that Lacey will be cool with it. I even wrote out my thoughts on flash cards, so I won't forget any of the important points. And, don't worry, if I get there, and it seems like her dad's not in the mood to talk, I can just pretend I'm selling door to door chocolates and bail.

But I'm hoping today's the big day.

Wish me luck!

-E

***

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: Re: Re: Re: GIRL ADVICE NEEDED ASAP

Date: July 2nd, 10:36 am

Wait—you're talking to him, today? As in right now—today?

Dude. That's ballsy.

100% ballsier than anything I'd ever do—but you're you so—I guess it makes sense.

Remember what I said about giving Lacey a heads up? Now might be a good time to do that. Forget what I said about going with your gut. I want this to work out for you so—maybe, text her. No, actually, definitely text her.

And, maybe run some of your flashcards by me so you can get a second pair of eyes on your speech before you give it, cool?

What's your ETA to Lacey's place?

-T

***

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: GIRL ADVICE NEEDED ASAP

Date: July 2nd, 10:38 am

Seriously, Tan? I thought I was good to go with all this, but now I'm stressing—so thanks for that.

I can't text Lacey or she'll know something's up. I already told her I couldn't walk her to practice 'cause something came up at home. What am I supposed to do now? Tell her that that "something" is me low-key stalking her dad? No way, dude.

I feel crazy enough as it is for doing this.

You can blame Mom for the inspiration for living this out, okay? Last night, she told me how her dad asked out her mom, and I thought it was old school classy so I wanted to try it with Lacey. Sue me.

Btw, I am going with my gut, but thanks to you and this bus ride I might vomit all over the nice lady standing in front of me if my stomach stays this upset.

With this kinda crappy traffic, I've got like an hour left on the bus. Can I text you pics of my flash cards, please? Emailing on the bus is messing with my head and making my eyes tired.

-E

***

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: GIRL ADVICE NEEDED ASAP

Date: July 2nd, 10:44am

Point #1 - You are crazy for doing this. Romantic—but crazy.

Point #2 - Obviously, You've already made up your mind to do this so go for it, BUT send me those flashcards first. I'm trying to wing-man you here. I didn't manage to snag Caleigh without a couple skills, am I right?

Point #3 - No texting. Caleigh's still asleep.

Point #4 - Show me those cards. Just type out the basics, and I'll help you from there.

-T

***

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: GIRL ADVICE NEEDED ASAP

Date: July 2nd, 10:50am

K—so here are my speech notes. I wanna say that I could just use them for reference but knowing me, I'll blank so—I'll probably just read what I wrote straight off the cards. I think they're pretty legit. Let me know if I need to change anything to make them more golden than they already are.

My notes to you - Bold.

Flashcard 1 - Dear, Mr. Sanders—I really like your daughter. She's kinda like a hot pocket. Super hot—on the inside and the outside. (I'm trying to figure out whether or not to go with hot vs. beautiful. Hot works for the hot pocket schtick. Advice?)

Flashcard 2 - I would like to date her—again—even though I didn't tell you about us dating last time which I regret. (Maybe I could throw in a "sorry, bro"—to make things less formal or whatever? I don't wanna come off too stuck up).

Flashcard 3 - I'm probably not the best option or her only option, but if you don't let me date her, I will die. (Dying might not be the best word here. I googled synonyms, and I didn't really come up with anything better. If you do—let me know like ASAP)

Flashcard 4 - My home life sucks sometimes. Not like all the time but most of the time, and Lacey's the only one who gets that. I like that she gets it. It makes me like her even more than I already do. Which is like mondo a lot. (Mondo feels like an old guy word, right? Do you think he'd get it or should I use something more 80's so he understands?)

Flashcard 5 - I have a bad rep at school. But I'm different now. I promise. ( I was thinking about leaving this one out, but I wanna keep things honest, you know? Any ideas on how I could say this better?)

Flashcard 6 - I will never sleep around with anyone ever again. Especially if I'm dating your daughter. (Man to man vibes :).

Flashcard 7 - I have been low key into Lacey ever since I saw her in a parking lot. She didn't know I noticed her, but I did. And here we are. (A little history to make things romantic, you know?)

Flashcard 8 - Slightly irrelevant, but my brother is an athlete and thinks you're awesome. I think you're awesome, too. Even though I hate sports. If you let me date Lacey, maybe you can teach me to care about them. (Boyfriend-Dad time bonding, am I right?)

Flashcard 9 - I think about kissing your daughter every other second. Thinking about kissing is a huge step for me 'cause my usual fantasies aren't even close to being that PG. That means something. (Deep.)

Flashcard 10 - If you let me date Lacey again, I will never break up with her. Like ever. (Long term goals, dude. Always a hit in the Daddy department).

Bonus card - As you probably already know, Lacey's beautiful, and I've got a solid set of genes so we'd make pretty kids. Not now, but when we're older and married obviously. Imagine being a grandpa to a bunch of future super models? Sick, right? (I think this might be my best point. Maybe I should for sure include it instead of keeping it on the maybe list).

Alright so—that's the gist of it. If I were Pete, I'd be flattered. Hit me back with your thoughts.

-E

***

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: GIRL ADVICE NEEDED ASAP

Date: July 2nd, 10:54 am

Eli,

That "thing" you just sent can't be real. Like, no way. This has to be a joke or something, right? It's gotta be. If for some reason, the email you sent isn't, and you just so happen to have a death wish of never getting the girl of your dreams, carry on.

But, if you actually want a real chance at being with Lacey, here's what I want you to do. Take those cards, tear them into a thousand little unreadable pieces, and throw them out the window.

Then, if necessary, give yourself a good few slaps in the face to knock any of that out of your head in the hopes that you repeat none of it in some random panic of recall while you're talking to her dad.

I love you, dude, I do, but you seriously cannot read those to Mr. Sanders. Please—just don't. I have some suggestions written in bold below. You don't have to take them, but if you want to date Lacey anywhere else aside from your dreams I would listen to what I have to say.

REVISIONS:

Flashcard 1 - Dear, Mr. Sanders--Dear, Mr. Sanders--I really like your daughter. She's kinda like a hot pocket. Super hot--on the inside and the outside. (Just no. Maybe try starting with something along the lines of explaining how much Lacey means to you and why she's special. I don't even know where you got the idea of comparing her to a hot pocket, but it just sounds wrong so strike it. Immediately. Please?)

Flashcard 2 - I would like to date her---again--even though I didn't tell you about us dating last time which I regret. (Okay, the fact that you dated her behind his back is kind of a huge no-no. Maybe just say you were interested in her before and that you were "talking". Don't lead off by admitting that you sneak around because no dad ever liked that in a guy. Like ever. Just explain how you got to know her and how you feel about her now that you guys are close).

Flashcard 3 - I'm probably not the best option or her only option, but if you don't let me date her I will die. (That's extreme. Just tell him why dating Lacey would make your life better and how YOU would make her life better. Don't mention dying. It's weird and scary and would make me wanna file a restraining order so—no on that one.)

Flashcard 4 - My home life sucks sometimes. Not like all the time but most of the time and Lacey's the only one who gets that. I like that she gets it. It makes me like her even more than I already do. Which is like mondo a lot. (Mondo isn't the issue here. Pete's gonna want to see that you've built character because of the home you've come from. Maybe tell him how even though you've had it hard growing up that you'll still be a solid option for Lacey. Don't make Lacey sound like the only person in the world who understands you even if it's true—again CLINGY.)

Flashcard 5 - I have a bad rep at school. But I'm different now. I promise. ( This is too honest. Again, talk about how you're doing better in school and how you're working on being a better man. Tell Pete how you're different, and he'll respect you for the work you're putting into yourself.)

Flashcard 6 - I will never sleep around with anyone ever again. Especially if I'm dating your daughter. (DESTROY ALL THIS NOW AND FOR ETERNITY)

Flashcard 7 - I have been low key into Lacey ever since I saw her in a parking lot. She didn't know I noticed her—but I did. And here we are. (Please use more detail. You sound like a peeping tom who somehow managed to get close to his daughter. Fix the wording. Like right now.)

Flashcard 8 - Slightly irrelevant, but my brother is an athlete and thinks you're awesome. I think you're awesome too. Even though I hate sports. If you let me date Lacey, maybe you can teach me to care about them. (Don't say you hate sports to an almost pro-athlete. Just don't. Tell him that you wanna learn more about them—especially his sport. He'll love you for it. PS: Maybe if you actually played a sport, you'd stop hating.)

Flashcard 9 - I think about kissing your daughter every other second. Thinking about kissing is a huge step for me 'cause my usual fantasies aren't even close to being that PG. That means something. (ABSOLUTELY NOT.)

Flashcard 10 - If you let me date Lacey again, I will never break up with her. Like ever. (Why—are you so weird? I've known you your whole life, and I didn't think you were like this. Just try to sound less, what's the nicest way for me to put it, psychotic, maybe? I don't know, dude. This is just so far. Maybe it's your teenage hormones making you all wack, but, even if you see a whole future with her, you CANNOT put it like this. Not if you don't want him to call the police or the local asylum.)

Bonus card - As you probably already know, Lacey's beautiful, and I've got a solid set of genes so we'd make pretty kids. Not now, but when we're older and married obviously. Imagine being a grandpa to a bunch of future super models? Sick right? (Ummm...says no sane person ever. Eli, c'mon, man? Why would you even say this? You're really starting to worry me. Get rid of this one too. For your sanity and mine.)

Okay so—I hope you decide to take some of this to heart. Honestly, I think the best thing you can do today is just speak from the heart. What you wrote to me was better than any of this so if worst comes to worse, just read the first email above. No cards. No weirdness. No Ted Bundy vibes. Actually keep it honest (sans serial killer creep vibes). Just be you—only the more normal version of you, okay?

I'm no longer wishing—but praying for you.

Hope everything goes well,

-T

PS: Call me after you guys talk. If Pete chases you out of his house with a baseball bat or threatens legal action, I'll do my best to talk him down.

***

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: GIRL ADVICE NEEDED ASAP

Date: July 2nd, 11:08 am

Thanks for busting my balls, T. I'm almost at my stop so I gotta jet. But thanks.

I miss you, man.

Hopefully, next time we catch up, I'll have my girl back :).

All love, no weirdness,

-E

***

Thank you guys so much for waiting for this one! So sorry it's a day late but we needed time to write/read/edit/record! It's a crazy long process but we're super excited to share this one with you. We hope it brought you a few laughs and smiles along the way during this crazy month. Next update should be this weekend but it depends on my schedule so I'll keep you posted!

#RealTalkQuestionoftheWeek

1. How do you think Elias's confession will go?

2. Which would you prefer--the guy who you're interested in asking your parents permission first or asking you out first?