NOTE: Do NOT miss out on this weeks moving audiobook reading by kaelking12! 

https://youtu.be/0z3QI2rsVsE

*Trigger Warning: This chapter deals with themes of anxiety and depression.

CHAPTER 44 

Lacey

Mountain Ridge Psychiatric Rehabilitation Center Patient Exit Form

Name: Lacey J. Sanders

DOB: 3/14/1997

Mountain View Counsellor: Dr. Christine Davis

Note: Form to be filled out by patient and supervising physician. Completed forms are confidential (HIPPA) and to be sent to approved follow-up physicians and/or counselors only.

1. Please indicate the length of your visit at Mountain Ridge:

( ) 15 Days

(x) 30 Days

( ) 6 months or longer

2. Original date of admission: ______May 3rd____

3. Please select the reason(s) for your visit below:

(x) Psychological counseling

(x) Stress management

(x) Mental health evaluation

(x) Anxiety

(x) Depression (Bi-Polar Disorder, Manic, Clinical)

(x) Christian Counseling

(x) Grief Counseling

(x) Referral

- Referring doctor name & practice: Dr. Richard Jensen M.D.

4. Please indicate the symptoms for which you've received counseling and/or treatment throughout the duration of your stay at Mountain Ridge:

( ) Insomnia

( ) Mania

( ) Paranoia

(x) General or heightened anxiety

(x) Night terrors

( ) Suicide ideation

(x) Self-harm

( ) Extreme Mood swings

( ) Panic attacks

5. Have you been prescribed new medication from your rehabilitation counsellor(s)? If so, please list below.

Anti-depression & anti-anxiety prescriptions. (SSRIs)

Counselor's note: Prescription list forwarded to follow up physician, Dr. Richard Jensen on 5/2.

6. Do you feel as though your treatment at Mountain Ridge was successful?

(x) Yes

( ) No

Reasons: ________________________________________________

7. Were you satisfied with the counseling services provided to you?

(x) Yes

( ) No

Reasons: ________________________________________________

8. Do you have a family history of mental illness? If so, indicate the confirmed diagnosis(es) below for your follow-up physician.

Bi-Polar disorder. (Maternal)

Suicide. (Maternal)

***

Outpatient Reflection Form

Name: Lacey J. Sanders

DOB: 3/14/1997

Mountain Ridge Counsellor: Dr. Christine Davis

Note: This form is for internal use only.

Please describe in your own words, your experience at Mountain Ridge Rehabilitation Center. Feel free to openly reflect on your reasons for entering our rehabilitation program and the progress you feel you've made during your time here.

It's—kind of hard to know where to start exactly. Especially when you're finishing a program as intense and intensely helpful as this one. I guess, if I have to begin with anything, I'd say that I'm grateful. To the nurses. To my wonderful doctor, Christine. To all of the other counselors and patients in the program. 

Finding the right words to thank the people who brought me back from the edge is difficult. I don't think you can fit a feeling like that onto a single form. But I owe so much of my recovery to every single person who helped me.

First and foremost, I'm thankful to God the Father and Jesus Christ for constantly reminding me of my own worth. And I'd also like to thank my dad for stepping in when I needed him to.

When I first came here, I resented a lot of things. A lot of people too. I was angry at myself for not being strong enough to deal with something as stupid as high school gossip. For not knowing how to handle a new relationship and eventually running from it. But the person I hated the most was probably my dad.

I spent the first two weeks of this program refusing to call him because he forced me to be here. I thought the silent treatment would "teach him a lesson". I thought I could make him realize that he was wrong about me needing to get help by shutting him out. But the only thing I learned from that silence was how wrong I was.

I needed this place. Badly. I didn't know it at the time, but I was subconsciously searching for a way to distance myself from bullies, and threats, and boyfriends, and as much as I wanted to deny it, Mountain Ridge was that necessary escape for me.

Sometimes, when you're around normal people for long enough, you start to think that you can be like them. You believe that you can do everyday things like making friends at a new school or stealing a kiss from the boy you literally fell for in science class.

I did all of those things. But that didn't mean I was ready for them.

Finding the right people to let into your life is hard.

Harder than I was prepared for.

But at least I've been able to keep one friend since I've been here. I don't know if I fully owe that to the program or the person in question, but I do think therapy has made trusting people easier.

Maddie, my study-crazed softball buddy has surprisingly texted me everyday since I've been here. I haven't had anyone like that in my life since my mom died so...I guess this is progress.

Problem is, good friendships aren't founded on lies, and I've been lying to her about where I am ever since I got here. She thinks I'm at some cool Christian retreat my dad organized, and is genuinely happy for me. But how do you tell someone that you're broken?

At this point, I'm trying to figure out the right way to explain to her that the real reason I had to take a month away from school was to relearn how to cope with life.

This is what I mean about not being ready to navigate the real world or real friendships.

Somedays, I have to fake it just to keep things light and fun and airy between us.

We text each other weird memes, and laugh over videos during phone calls on most nights. I'm grateful for her. It's nice having someone there for me on the outside, you know?

At this point, I can't really imagine going back to Mission Bay without her there. But she's only half the reason why I've been able to keep my head above water lately.

Elias King is the other.

My almost but not quite boyfriend anymore.

My first of many firsts.

My first kiss. My first relationship. The first person aside from my mom that—I couldn't figure out how to forgive for hurting me.

Being with him was like standing in the middle of a storm staring up at a break in the clouds. Beauty surrounded by chaos. And, that chaos nearly pulled me under.

He could build me up or break me easily. Too easily. So when something he did finally broke me, I couldn't get past it.

I couldn't let it go. I couldn't hear him apologize. I couldn't accept something as simple and rare as an honest "I'm sorry".

That's another reason why I needed Mountain Ridge. I'd already been through so much with my family that when my boyfriend humiliated me out of nowhere—I didn't know how to find it in myself to forgive him.

I ignored him.

I shut him out because I didn't think there was another way out.

And then I came here. And I showed up to the first of Pastor Tim's much needed group therapy sessions on forgiveness totally unwilling to participate.

I saw on the schedule that we'd be spending most of our time talking about bitterness and pride and how that keeps us from forgiving people.

I assumed I had none of those problems so, why contribute?

Turns out, I had both of those problems.

I've had them for a long time.

And it took a long time and a lot of scripture for me to finally realize that forgiveness is a choice.

It always was.

I just wasn't choosing to let things go. I wasn't choosing to give people another chance. I wasn't choosing to see people a different way.

I've been a serial bridge burner for most of my life, but for the first time I was learning how to rebuild them.

But learning how to do something versus actually being able to do it are two different things altogether.

Now that I'm going home, I know I have a lot of fixing to do.

And, that's a bit daunting.

Before coming here, I told Elias once that he couldn't fix everything and everyone.

I made it seem like getting through rough patches was basically impossible.

Being here helped me realize that the only time anything's really impossible or unfixable is when you decide that it is.

And from now on, I'm deciding differently.

I'm deciding to try.

But me deciding to try does nothing against everything I'm afraid of.

Everything I left Cardinal for.

Every whisper, stare, and rumor that sent me running and my dad into worry.

All the eyes and lies waiting.

All of that comes with deciding to try. All of that comes with being with Elias.

And that's where I'm stuck.

I'm trying to figure out whether my fears will outweigh being there for someone who needs me as much as I need them. Maybe that's what God would want me to do. How could I think of leaving someone if God never did that to me?

Right?

My dad always taught me that there's no fear when it comes to love. He was fearless when he met my mom. He stood by her despite her secrets, her darkness, and the difficulties that came with being her partner. His parents and friends gave him a million reasons to leave her. But he chose not to. He chose to stay.

I don't know if Elias and I are anything like them—or if we're anywhere near as strong. But despite all the rumors, and pictures, and gossip finding their way into what we have, when it's just me and him, I'm not afraid of anything.

I'm not afraid of making my parents mistakes.

I'm not afraid of him running from me.

I feel purposed.

Whole.

And maybe that's a sign God wants me to stay.

And to try.

So, no matter how scary it may seem or how it would be easier to just run and drop everything altogether, maybe God wants me to try.

For him and for me.

My dad says that high school boyfriends are nothing but terrible distractions. But, Elias is different. He pulled me out of the dark. He shifted my attention off of the pressure my dad was putting on me, the pressure I put on myself, and everything that came with being the new girl at Mission Bay.

For a little while, Elias made me believe I could survive it all. He'd smile at me and I'd feel a little less broken. He'd uplift me with a single look.

And without even realizing it, he slowly became a reason to keep going to school. I liked catching glimpses of him in the hallways and seeing his awkward moments occasionally make an appearance from behind all his bravado. I liked dancing with him in the middle of an empty softball field. I liked kissing him until our lips were so sore that we couldn't anymore.

But now we can't do anything at all. Partially because of other people, partially because of him, but, mostly, because of me.

There were days when he was nothing but sweet and genuine and totally wonderful. But other times, he was someone else.

Someone I didn't recognize. Someone who made me question whether or not he had the potential to hurt me the way so many other people had.

So I ran.

I ended things suddenly because I was forced to.

Because I felt that I had to.

And, maybe, because some part of me wanted to.

We haven't spoken since then, and I've been living with the aftermath of that decision.

After I ended things, I'd wake up crying. One morning turned into most mornings which gradually became every morning and that's when my dad looked into Mountain Ridge.

Funny thing is, I never told him what was wrong. I said I didn't know, and, maybe some part of that was true, but I knew a lot of that sadness came from separation. I'm not very good at losing things.

And, suddenly, I found myself in this place where in the space of two weeks I couldn't see Elias or go anywhere near him. I couldn't talk to him. I couldn't talk to anyone. I lost my anonymity. I turned into the girl who "stalked" Elias and couldn't even speak up to tell the school that I was his girlfriend. I couldn't explain that I was bullied out of our relationship, but also running from it at the same time.

I couldn't un-hurt him.

So I started hurting myself.

In ways that my dad eventually did see.

But fast-forward five weeks, and the scars on my wrists aren't as visible anymore—plus I've got a whole pack of glittery rainbow bracelets from my roommate here that I can use to cover any bad reminders.

I know a Dollar Store going away present shouldn't make me this emotional, but I'm more thankful for these and for this place than I can say.

So thank you, guys.

Thank you for letting me write this—if you even read this because it's super rambly and long and I apologize for that. But Dr. Davis says if I'm talking/writing about my feelings, it's a good thing.

I feel very lucky to be getting back to normal again. And with the help of my faith in God, on-going therapy, and a little bit of hope—I think I can beat out the shadows.

And, maybe even find my way back to my boyfriend.

Just don't tell my dad I said that. He'd kill me. Seriously.

Anyway, I'm not sure if any of this was what you guys were looking for, but the bottomline is Mountain Ridge works.

I'm excited to get back to my life.

I'm strong enough to want to survive the hard days.

And, for the first time in a really long while, I'm genuinely hopeful.

I guess I'll leave it at that.

-Lacey

***

Thank you guys so much for reading/listening to this chapter! This one was a heavy one for us to write as it deals with many issues that we've had experience encountering whether with friends, acquaintances, or family members. We hope we were able to handle Lacey's reflection on her condition in an authentic, respectful way. Lacey's faith, mental health, and family history are integral parts to her character and we always aim to ensure that we're writing things as realistically as possible. Once again, we hope we handled this with as much care and honesty as possible! Let us know in the comments what you thought. Next update will be posted next weekend unless stated otherwise!

#RealTalkQuestionoftheWeek

1. What surprised you most about Lacey's confessions? 

2. After finding out about everything Lacey's going through, how do you think it will effect her relationship? Do you think after her rehabilitation that Lacey is ready for a relationship with Elias again? 

3. If you're comfortable sharing, have you or anyone you know gone through similar struggles with depression, anxiety, etc.? How did you cope?