7th April, 2016

Dedicated to @JuliRose1 for surprising me with a beautiful video she made for me. Thank you so much, I loved it alhamdulilah! bBrakAllahu feeki <3

(Refer external link to know what I'm talking about) ;)

"But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not."

[Qur'an]

Chapter 4:

Shattering the broken

"I can't find it anywhere, Ma. Furqaan Bhai, where did you keep it? Why did you even keep my scarf in my wardrobe? When did you do it?"

"That day Aamina was trying out your scarf on her new dress, remember? Sulaiman was trying to grab it with his messy hands so she asked me to keep it in your drawer."

"So where is it now?" She questioned, pointing out to the wardrobe.

"I don't know where it went," Furqaan defended, putting on an innocent expression.

"Anabya, check for it in the right drawer on top, where can it go?" Her mother said from the kitchen.

"I don't know where it went but I literally checked everywhere," she sighed, scanning her wardrobe from top to bottom.

"Tammara always used to keep her drawer so neatly, what's this mess?" Her mother scolded, coming in to the room.

"It got messy now when I did the mistake of asking Furqaan Bhai to search for that hijab," she replied.

"Oh please! It was messy already! My wardrobe is the neatest of all in this house," he boasted.

"Maybe it is, but it's only because of Aamina Bhabhi. Have you forgotten those times when you were a bachelor and your room looked like a dungeon?"

"More like a fair, more things scattered outside than placed inside," her mother replied. "Let me look for that scarf now."

"No one values me in this house," Furqaan scowled while his mother and sister suppressed their grins.

As her mother rummaged through her wardrobe, keeping aside each pile and neatly looking inside for the missing piece, Anabya was about to proclaim the dinosaurs had stolen it when, giving her quite a smug look, her mother tossed the blue hijab to her.

"Woah magic," Anabya joked, impressed by her mother for being the solution to the problem of every missing article in the house.

"I've been searching for twenty minutes straight and you come in like a boss and throw it on my face!" Furqaan whistled. "I'm telling you! Mothers and wives have superpowers. Aamina does that too."

"Alhamdulilah, I at least found it. Alright, Furqaan Bhai, I'll get dressed in ten minutes tops and we'll leave."

"A second more than ten minutes and I'm leaving you."

"Yeah right," she said, and walked to the washroom.

Aamina had given Anabya an Abaya a few days back, saying she had bought it before Sulaiman was born and now it hardly fit her. It was a simple black Abaya with an umbrella cut, with a thin line of blue rhinestones in the hem of the sleeves. It was simple, the kind she could wear for work and not call for too much attention her way.

She didn't want to wear a plain hijab from the set of casual ones because she had just remembered of the blue scarf she had bought a year back to wear with a grand wedding dress. It had a lovely fall and the color matched the sleeves perfectly. And spending twenty minutes searching for it with Furqaan and her mother looked like it was worth it.

As Anabya put on the Abaya and wrapped the hijab, contrary to the image in her mind, the reflection on the mirror was not as she had pictured it to be.

The Abaya looked nice but somehow, with the hijab, it wasn't going. The colour was perfect, everything fit in its place, the hijab was a rare piece she had bought but for a reason she didn't know, it didn't look good with the Abaya. Somehow, they didn't complement each other.

She stared ahead for a few minutes before she finally sighed and unwrapped the hijab. She opened her wardrobe and picked up a usual plain black one with a hint of embroidery in the corner. It was one she had worn too many times before and thought nothing much about. However, right now, she couldn't disagree that it looked great with her Abaya, much better than the first one which she imagined to be perfect.

And although she didn't notice, the situation mirrored the current events of her life.

"Hey you aren't wearing that scarf," Furqaan noticed once they had grabbed their breakfast and were buckled in the car.

She shrugged, and replied, "It wasn't looking good."

Furqaan gaped at her, and said, "Seriously Bee? Couldn't you think of this when you made me slog in search of it?"

"Oh please, Bhai," Anabya deadpanned. "Instead of helping me, you messed my wardrobe. No wonder Bhabhi always complains that you don't let her keep things in place."

"Your Bhabhi is a neat freak. The other day since I was in a hurry, I walked into our bedroom with shoes. Not only did she make me remove them, she also got the moping stick and made me clean the place."

Anabya chuckled listening to that, and said, "Good for you. Ya Allah, Furqaan Bhai, go slow, you're such a rash driver."

"Relax, Bee, we're on the flyover and it's empty."

"Yeah but this is India, I wouldn't be surprised if someone comes flying down to us and stops right in front of the car."

Furqaan chuckled with his little sister and replied, "Nice to see you've got a hang of drivers in India."

"You have no choice when you begin to ride."

They chattered all the way to Anabya's office, and after dropping her off, Furqaan went about his business.

As Anabya entered the office, like all those times in the past week, she gave herself a mental prep talk. If she was being honest, she had reached a point where she couldn't take in anymore. She absolutely could not, no matter how much she tried.

From the past week, the sneaky glances between Hafsa and Fadil had increased, the coincidences of him passing by the same corridor when they were there did not seem like a co incidence after all, and yesterday when she had entered her cabin, she had found a few chocolates tied in ribbon lying on Hafsa's table and she obviously knew who they were from.

What Anabya could not understand was why her of all girls. After she had interned here, she had continued her final year studies at college and although she was walking on eggshells, knowing all too well that Fadil could make the move anytime, nothing had happened, igniting the hope of a future with him. Now, when after such a long time she had returned to the office to complete the contract, not only did Fadil think it was the right time to ask for Hafsa's hand, although she had been an employee even before Anabya restarted, it almost looked like he was trying to throw all this in her face.

If Anabya and he weren't meant to be, then fine, she would have accepted it. It would have taken her a long time to reach that stage and it would still hurt her broken heart, but alright, she would accept it. What she didn't understand was why, out of all the girls in this world, he not only chose her friend over her, but proposed to her at such a time when she'd have to witness their love story unravel while she remained just a random girl.

Why did she have to be the one to witness the guy she loved propose to her best friend? Why did she have to be dragged into their happy moments, while she had dreamt of the same thing for herself?

She didn't understand why reality had fun ripping out the bandage from her sore wound while she was trying to put herself together. It almost looked like life was playing the role of a mean joker, making fun of those dreams she had seen as a love struck teenager. Not only were her dreams being torn apart one after the other, every broken piece was being shred to such minute pieces that she was beginning to learn the meaning life tried to convey.

She was no more a dreamer.

She did not know what it meant to dream when in the journey of her fairytale, she was shown the route to reality.

"What's up, my girl?"

Anabya broke from her thoughts, blinking as she took in her surroundings.

"Assalamu alaikum, Hafsa," she smiled, and Hafsa grinned at her.

"Wa alaikum as salaam. Do you have any plans after office hours?" She asked.

"Yes. I've given my bike for service, I need to collect it."

Hafsa laughed at that and replied, "I didn't mean those plans, are you busy this evening?"

Anabya panicked at the question, she didn't want to go out anywhere with Hafsa, if that is what she was thinking.

However, since she was awaiting her reply and she couldn't come up with any excuse, she said, "I have no plans as such. What's up?"

"Perfect. Then we're going to grab pizza, my treat!" She spoke excitedly and Anabya felt her heart beat accelerate.

"What's the occasion?" She questioned.

"All details will be given later," she laughed and as they went about their agenda for the day, Anabya wasn't sure what to expect.

And so, for the rest of the day, she didn't expect anything. She'd wait for life to startle her. Again.

Her only worry was that, she had already lost so much, she didn't even know what she had remaining to lose.

As the working hours came to an end and the two friends made their way to the agreed destination before finally settling in a cozy corner, Anabya sipped the lemonade and looked at Hafsa questioningly.

Hafsa took in a deep breath and clapping her hands together, replied, "Alright, so are you ready?"

Anabya gazed at her, analyzing how the smile never left her face, her eyes sparkled like diamonds and she had positive vibes radiate off of her.

Before she could reply to the question, Anabya said, "Before that, Hafsa, seeing you this happy, I pray to Allah that may he increase your joy in the days to come and may no evil touch you. It honestly feels so good to see you like this Subhan Allah."

Anabya meant every word she said and prayed, and she really had no ill feelings against Hafsa. They more she saw them together, the more perfect they looked for each other. Anabya was hurting and that was a completely different story which no one knew, but here were two people madly in love with each other and looking to get married. Anabya couldn't help but hope for the best for them, for both Hafsa and Fadil were two of the nicest people she had met. And as she prayed for them to stay happy together, she meant it.

Never mind that what was left of her heart hurt some more for she was just being a third wheel in their perfect love story.

"Aameen," Hafsa replied, "And may Allah send you your partner soon!"

Oh the irony. It sounded so weird to hear her say that.

"So what's the big news?" Anabya questioned, clearly diverting the topic. Hafsa smiled and brought her right hand forward. It took Anabya a moment to realize she was wearing a beautiful ring she hadn't seen before.

What she couldn't understand was how her heart managed to break even more at the sight of what she saw. By now she was certain that her heart had been shattered to such small pieces that a theory from science could prove no force was capable of breaking it more than it already had.

However, the events in her life put all theories of science to shame.

Confirming her thoughts, Hafsa said, "Alhamdulilah, we got fixed yesterday. Dad was in two minds seeing that their family is quite modern and not on the same page as us, but at the same time he was impressed with Fadil. Which reminds me to thank you for helping Fadil to change his ways, Anabya."

"I didn't do anything," She said, the sudden pain tugging at the last piece of her heart. "Congratulations, Hafsa!"

"BarakAllahu feeki, Bee. However, the wedding dates have been decided for the 31st of this month and dad doesn't want me to work till then."

"Subhan Allah! That's early," she replied, going numb.

Just how much did she have to bear till life would leave her at peace to live with her bleeding heart?

"That's how both families wanted it. Dad doesn't want me to work in the same office, too much fitnah he says. And since I'm going to be busy with wedding preparations anyway, I think it's alright. And Bee, since we don't have much time, you gotta help me, alright?"

"Of course, in sha Allah," she replied and as they continued talking, she wondered when all this would come to an end and life would get bearable.

At this point, she wasn't sure if it was even possible.

***

"Beephop!"

"Assalamu alaikum, my baby. How have you been?" Anabya smiled, bending down to kiss her nephew.

"Waaikumswawaam, Phop! See!" Wrapping his entire hand around her index finger, he dragged her to her room. "Tammy," he said, pointing out to Tammara.

"When did Tam Phop become Tammy?" Anabya laughed as she saw her older sister.

"He heard Raiyyan call me that when he had come to drop me today and he's been calling me Tammy ever since."

"Sulaiman, only Raiyyan Bhai gets to call her Tammy, you understand? You wouldn't want to hear that from Raiyyan Bhai, hence, I'm warning you," Anabya joked, pointing her finger and widening her eyes.

"Tammy," he laughed nonetheless, pointing at Tammara and suddenly, something under the bed caught his attention and he attempted to reach for it.

"What's up with pizza take aways?" Tammara questioned, as she started opening one parcel.

"Tam, I get you're pregnant and hungry all the time, but can we share them with everyone and go to the dining?" She teased. " Sulaiman is going to mess my bed if he starts eating pizza here. And answering your question, I had gone there with Hafsa, so thought of getting some home."

At the mention of his name, Sulaiman turned to look at the sisters and pointing to himself, asked, "Suwayman?" When he spotted pizza, he came running and Tammara was quick to stop him from pouncing on it.

"In matters of pizza, he's gone on his father. Come on Sulaiman, let's go out before we mess your Bee Phop's room," Tam said, carrying Sulaiman with him.

"Aamina Bhabhi, Anabya's got pizza, let's get the party started," Tam joked and as Aamina came in, Tammara asked, "How come you went out with Hafsa today?"

"She got fixed yesterday," Anabya replied, keeping her cool.

"Your friend Hafsa got fixed?" Aamina asked, surprised by the news. "Who's the guy?"

Anabya looked at Tam who was feeding Sulaiman and hoping she wouldn't remember the last time she had confessed to her elder sister that she liked Fadil, she said, "Boss' son, Fadil."

However, when Tammara looked up on hearing the news, Anabya knew that she had connected both scenes.

"Love marriage?" Aamina asked and Anabya shook her head.

"Love cum arrange," she replied as she felt Tammara's gaze on her all the while. "Fadil liked Hafsa and approached her parents. They said yes and the wedding is in a month in sha Allah." And just because her elder sister was watching her so closely and she wanted to give her the image that she was over him long back, she said, "They make such a cute couple, ma sha Allah."

Tammara, hoping that Anabya meant what she said, did not comment on the whole thing. She knew her little sister wouldn't like talking on the topic and for now, she decided to give her some space.

In Sulaiman's company, they continued to have pizza while Aamina suggested theyhave an entire family reunion soon, since it had been so long. Tammara seemed so excited about it that both of them started planning a get together for the coming Sunday.

As Anabya slipped to the balcony in between their plans, enjoying the solitude amidst her mother's bonsai, she was startled when something flying came her way and missed her nose by an inch.

She looked down to find a cricket ball by her feet.

"Hey Anabya! Pass the ball please!"

Anabya looked down from the balcony to find Shamaaz smiling at her, as he waited for her to pass it.

"Could you stop admiring my face and hurry up please!" He teased.

Rolling her eyes she picked the ball from the ground and threw it down, which he caught of course.

"We have kids at our place. Be careful that it doesn't come here the next time," she mumbled, thinking of Sulaiman and how it could hurt him.

Shamaaz, however, brought his hand to his heart, striking a love struck pose.

"Did you just talk to me?" He sighed, grinning ear to ear.

At that, Anabya made a face and hurried inside, quickly sliding the glass.

"Your wish is my command," she heard him shout and she brought her hand to her face in frustration.

"Astagfirullah, what will the neighbours think," she mumbled to herself.

"Who was he?" Tammara questioned, her tone reflecting her big sister mode.

"New troublesome neighbor," Anabya sighed.

"Sounds like a flirt, stay away from him."

"Don't worry, I myself wouldn't want to cross paths with a heartbreaker," she replied, causing Tammara to grin.

"Heartbreaker, huh?"

"In every sense of the word," Anabya shrugged, recalling his Facebook account and leaving Tammara to narrate the conversation to Aamina, she walked out.

As she walked into her bedroom that night, the silent whispers of the night caused her to shiver in fright. She hadn't felt so lonely, so afraid.

And yet in a twisted way, lonely nights had become her best friends. They knew of those silent tears that flowed from her eyes as her shattered heart bled some more. She had become such a mystery that except for the quiet night and soaked pillow, no one knew of her secrets.

Oh and her virtual diary, which accounted the words of her agony.

That night, however, she seemed more eloquent than before as she recorded the bleeding of her broken heart in words.

I've always considered myself dignified. My soaked pillow and desperate wishes may be a sign of my vulnerabilities, my weak heart may expose me, but I still thought I was dignified. I never imagined myself crying over a guy so much. Nor did I think I would be the girl who cried over the fact that her best friend was getting married.

I just couldn't be the girl I thought I wasn't. And yet here I am, my soul fitting into the mould I hadn't imagined to become.

The world says, it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

What I don't understand is, how could a shattered heart and painful memories be seen as happiness? At this point, all I wish is for me to have never loved him.

But was this really love?

Because growing up, I never imagined love to hurt so much.