Slowly I let out a breath, tears I'd been holding cascading down my cheeks. He couldn't just do that. Twist my life in knots  loosening and tightening them at his own will.  It couldn't happen that way.

"I'm so sorry sweetie."   My face tightened,  my throat constricted, I wanted so much to let out the wail that felt clogged  in my throat. 

"I wanted someone to blame and you were the only one I could hold responsible " he whispered, tightening his hold on my upper body. 
I lowered my body, sinking my knees into the soft fur carpet.

"Everytime I made you cry,  everytime I hurt you…" he grew silent lowering himself to my level.  "I hurt myself for making you go through that pain" he added,  huffing a cry.  I could hear the tear in his voice.

"My heart won't settle till I inflict pain on my body,  Salma…" my resolve broke when I felt a droplet trickle down my neck.

"Salma" I couldn't raise my head,  I felt like it was just one of his games,  what was he even muttering  like that. 
I raised my head at his hands prod,  holding his gaze.  I wanted to look away but I couldn't.  His eyes held so much pain, it was palpable.
"I love you so much, Wallah …" he paused as if waiting for what he'd said to sink in.

He said he loved me,  as in love, love.  Man-woman love.

The indifferent, cold-hearted Dan said he loves me.
I broke into laughter shaking my head gingerly.

"Dan we are no longer kids, do I need to  remind you the countless times you swore I brought doom to your life?,  I know whoever it is you're marrying now,  you love her and she'll  probably bring you the happiness I couldn't give you…"

"Don't say... ".
I rushed to the bathroom again,  my tummy was hollow slowly making grumbling sounds,  the last time I took anything was at breakfast and it was almost nothing,  just sips of plain tea.
I sat on the toilet bowl, placed my palms over my face and broke into tears.

"He loves me." I whispered laughing hysterically amid the tears. 
Does he even know love.
"Dan,  it's just the two of us in here" I said gesturing between us with my forefinger as I re-entered the room,  "no need to keep this charade I've really had enough" I voiced,  my breath syncing with my heartbeat.

He rose from his sitting position shaking his head as he walked to the window.
"You know… " he quietened.
"Let me tell you a story,  if you still insist on separation I'll give it to you..... " I felt like my heart had slammed into my chest.
He said separation  like it meant nothing when he was just declaring his undying love for me.
"Your opinion of me might not change  for a long time. I've wrongfully vented my anger for the last couple of years especially on you, please find a place in your heart to forgive me" he requested in a pained voice.

"I , Amdan grew up knowing only one source of happiness,  I was a broody child, wasn't like either of my siblings Daoud and Manan, they were the lively ones and funny enough I was the middle child among them. We had our times as kids, played with each other,  we were very close in age. Manan and I were a year apart and Daoud and I were 10 months apart so we were pretty close"
He brushed his hand over his trimmed hair, circling his palm on his scalp.

"And then Daddy Yusuf  married  Mum Hanna,  we all latched on to her cos she was the bride,  Daoud and Manan especially,  when they usually come to visit, I'd rather I play"

I slightly rolled my eyes at his back.
"On one of their visits I rushed to Mum Hanna and asked if she was pregnant, I remember then I'd watched a movie and the bride got pregnant after the wedding so it just stuck in my mind that married women get pregnant…… I was 7 then"
My hands flew to my tummy at his mention,  was I?

"I remember her  lips stretching in a smile then,  she was so beautiful,  her polished dark skin looked like she'd been polished with talc …… then I proceeded to ask for the hand of the baby if it happened to be a girl,  I hated sharing even if it was with my siblings,  I preferred sharing things I wanted with them at my own time.  Few months later my assertion or should I say guess was certified,  Mum Hanna was indeed pregnant with her first child"
He turned around his glazed eyes holding my gaze.  I wanted to understand all his eyes were saying  but I couldn't,  just pain,  my eyes started welling up, I'd have loved for him to tell me more about my parents but I was scared.

"I latched on to her, watched almost all I could  from the TV programs about pregnancy, I read books, children's book  was of no help and the adult books was complicated. I didn't understand lots of the words I read even with the help of the dictionary, I saved my pocket money  to buy chocolates for her.

I was awed when her stomach started protruding I told everyone my Mum Hanna was pregnant, and the first time she allowed me touch her tummy I felt like I'd been given the beat present ever, and I felt I had one upped my brothers, cos they were not in love with the pregnancy like me, I was the weird one." He chuckled clenching then blinking his eyes.

"I was denied to hold you when you were born because they believed I could hurt you, so I'd spend  all the time I could looking at your small pinched face, you were a crier you know, I hated how the women who came visiting flung you about passing you to each other.

The first time I witnessed your bathing, I cried , as they poured the hot water over your body, Evan I wouldn't bath with water that hot. I remember pleading with mom to add cold water to it because she was the one who bathed you before Aunt Kamila took over ,but she didn't.

Aunt Kamila was no better ."

He chuckled sighing afterwards.
"By then everyone who came knew the baby was mine, Daoud and Manan were not much into even coming close to you because they thought you were a girl and that wasn't cool they had wanted a boy.

I tried getting your name from our fathers, but I wasn't lucky. When I heard you were named Salma,  after our grandma who died the year before, I told everyone who would hear, you were going to be my wife.

Our grandpa was Amdan so I was mostly called Me sunan Mallam cos he was an Islamic cleric. I was there through your ear piercing and I cried that day because you were crying.
Your immunizations were worse.
When you were teething I moved to Daddy Yussuf's house, my hands were always washed because I'd plop my fingers into your mouth anytime to stop you from crying.

Your first word was Dan before Mama, everyone teased me. Daoud and Manan especially but I didn't care, they made it worse at school making other kids tease me. I was a sissy to them.

I was there through every growth step,  crawling,  shaky standing,  clumsy first steps,  supportive walks then eventually the unsupported one.
So when  that day when you were 4 and throwing a tantrum because Mom Hanna and I had taken you to have your hair dresser I was annoyed.
It wasn't like you started it at the braids, but you refused to come to me the whole day.

A groan akin to a wail emanated from his lips, I closed my eyes already dreading what I was going to hear.
"You were crying for Manan like he was the one you were close to,  Daoud stayed behind and you latched on to him,  i felt helpless and angry,  I was the one who you were suppose to hold onto like that.

And when Dad and Manan came to pick us up you went to Manan.  That felt like a double blow first Daoud then Manan, what had I done wrong?
I acted coy but I was hurting,  I told Mom Hanna you were no longer my wife, she teased us and the rest joined in wondering why you were that way that day.

When it was time for us to leave you were at the back seat with us, Mom in the passenger's seat beside dad,  then you started crying for mom,  she threatened to spank you but that  made it worse, no one could pacify you so we released you  and you crawled to them.  Then the other tantrum started,  you wanted to drive,  you were allowed to sit in front of  dad turning the steering wheel along with him.  I don't know how it happened but dad lost control of the car and …… we lost them………"   he added the latter barely above a whisper.  Tears were rolling down my cheeks,  I felt I needed to vomit whatever was clogged in my throat.

"When my eyes opened at the hospital, I couldn't feel my legs no one was beside me too, I don't know how long it took but I don't remember seeing anyone whenever my eyes opened, then the first time I open them to see mom she was crying uncontrollably, I was happy when I first saw her but it turned to worry afterwards , what was wrong with me.
I later came to find out that my Mom Hanna and Manan were no more and Daoud was in a critical condition……"  A pained look crossed his face, my hands shook I was scared. I caused it,  I knew I was the cause.  I made it happen,  my mind was too still for me to react.

"The doctors had declared I might be paralysed then, but I was lucky my limbs moved but I had broken some bones it was nothing major, Daoud died some few days later, for Dad Yusuf I never from him after my discharge.

I knew he wasn't dead  and it hurt not seeing him, then mom and dad doted on you more even though I was the one hurt, I couldn't help blaming you for the accident, I knew it was bound to happen but even though my brothers weren't the beat losing them was not what I wanted.

Seeing you reminded me of the incident and I couldn't hold back the hate, I stopped playing with you but you only wanted Dan, I beat you whenever you came to me especially when no one was watching, then I'd hurt myself afterwards.

For every pain I caused you I meted twice of it to myself, I felt like I was disappointing Mom Hanna, and you were my little sister , my little wife, I remember when I pushed you in the swimming pool and saw your hands flailing I almost had a heart attack, I engaged in a fight I knew I won't  win and was ganged upon, I still hit myself when the memory resurfaces.

I love you but I also hated you and I knew that was remedy for doom, when we married, I wasn't around you more because I knew I'd hurt you, and I'm always hurt when you are. Seeing your tears kill me every time so when I did that to you on what was suppose to be our wedding night I knew I had to go for help, I knew I needed saving, I couldn't punish us for their death."

My head shot up,  he went for help.  He wanted out of what he was.  I covered my face and broke down into tears.
"Say something please" I heard him plead,  his voice very close to my ears.

I raised my head holding his glazed gaze,  "I know I've hurt you,  I know I don't deserve it,  I'm your least favorite person right now but please find it in your heart to forgive me,  I promise to cherish and love you till I breath my last and even in death and life after it I pray I'm the one you live that life with …….".

He was getting married,  he loved me but he was taking another woman,  he loved me but still had  the sight to see another woman and fall for her.

"Dan I want to believe you but you're getting married, what about her, you're professing your love for me what about her don't you love her?." I asked broken. 
I frowned at the confused look on his face, "I can't live with you having a new wife, when I never really had you…… I never had you Dan" I added the latter to clarify what I meant.

I can't deny I've loved him,  my walls weren't ready to fall but I was wary. I am not ready to play the second fiddle not anymore.

"Salma..." I looked down at the hand atop mine,  "I want us back,  and I can't promise you're going to be the only one I'll marry, I don't know what the future holds for us maybe I'm destined to take another wif……".

My heart felt caged and clawed,  "Take me home" I ordered not wanting to hear what he was going to say he was intent on going  for that wife.
"It's late" he muttered in a resigned voice.
"I don't want to be here"
"OK,  I'll take you but please pick up when I call."

I nodded as I rose,  "But first," he paused holding a crooked index finger in the air "pray" he added his lips stretching in a smile.

I nodded turning towards the bathroom.

***

I clenched my eyes shut looking painfully at the crimson stain on my underwear,  my hands instinctively moved to my tummy,  tears rolling down my cheek.

"Not my baby" I whispered, not him.
I looked at the wishing I could cover my ear from the loud knock and call,  "Salma……" the voice called again followed by successive swift knocks.
"Salma I'm coming in if you don't open up," I rose from the bathroom floor,  sitting on the toilet seat when I heard the knob turn.

"I need sanitary wears" I muttered  my voice void of emotions.
He turned around almost tripping as he made his way out of the door.

Slowly, I rose from the toilet seat trudging to the room, ignoring the sharp pain I felt in my abdomen.
I slowly sank into the fur carpet holding my abdomen.  It hurt,  I felt like shards of glass had been speared into my thighs and abdomen.
I bit my lower lip tightly ignoring the pain I felt.
Hissing slowly and clenching my abdomen,  I flailed my legs, regretting my action when the pain deteriorated.

"D-da-a-a-n" I groaned when I heard the door creak,  I hissed loudly clenching my abdomen more tightly.

Tears rolled down my eyes,i was really hurting,  I wish I could cut off my down region.

"Salma……?"
I released my lip from it's hold,  groaning instead of replying. His shoes thumped towards my direction, he lowered himself immediately he made it to me.
"look at me,  can you hear me?"

I wanted to reply but I couldn't,  I hissed popping my lower lip.
"What happ....." He shoved his hands beneath me  picking me in a bridal style.
I groaned  almost with each step he took, especially when we got to the stairs.
I prayed for the pain to numb as we drove to the hospital.

***

I fluttered my eyes open running my tongue over my cracked dry lips,  my eyes landed on the cannula injected in my hand.

"Don't ever scare me like that again"
My heart jumped at the voice,  I looked to the side to Dan leaning on the off-white wall with his back and hands shoved inside his pocket.
I breathed in deeply to stop my erratic heart as  early memories flooded my brain.

My hands landed on my lower tummy my eyes holding his gaze.
"Should I call the doctor? " he asked in a shaky voice.
"What's wr-wr-ong with me ?" I stuttered my heart stilling.

"Your cramp has never been like this,  not  even when you started menstruating. " he stated looking towards the door.
So it was just an ordinary cramp?.
Which kind of menstrual cramp was this too?.
"Let's wait for the doctor." he announced soberly.

The door creaked immediately after his utterance.
"Ah the Mrs is awake…" he stated as he approached my bed.
I looked downward wishing Dan was not in the room. 

"How are you feeling now? " I nodded a reply my eyes fixated on his white coat.
He looked young,  a bit young to be a doctor,  tall and had a somehow feminine like voice.

"Let's just hope you get well soon so you can be discharged" was I not well?.
I felt Dan beside me,  "What's wrong with her Doc" he asked gruffly.  His eyes looked red, like he'd been holding tears in them.

"I want to run a scan on her tomorrow,  but from the pregnancy test we ran on her we know she's not pregnant "
"I… but I've not menstruated in 3 months." I announced feeling hollow within.

"I have to be pregnant " I added like willing it would change the obvious.
I pulled my hand away avoiding Dan's gaze when he tried to take my hand.
I turned all my attention to the  doctor.

"We'll  start from there then,  do you  normally experience this,"
"I don't know about now but not since her first menstruation,  there was a 3 months lapse after the first one,  I remember mom getting scared then but the doctor …" he huffed shoving his hands in his pocket again "said it was normal" he added,  nodding his head.
He even knew about my cycle.
The doctor nodded pulling a clipboard from the bed and writing on it.

"This might help, did you have a normal cycle afterwards?"

I nodded,  "it lapsed into the next month sometimes but never this long and the cramp has never been like this." I muttered in a cracked voice running my tongue over my patched lips.

          ~ •°~°•°••°•°°••~

I felt like everything was coming to an end,  my heart  stilled at her sight,  I had wanted to call mom earlier and tell her what was happening but I didn't want to scare them. The blood I'd seen on my hand had the worse thoughts running in my head,  to think I'd even thought she'd taking something to end a life scared me,  she could not do that.
I looked down at her now frail form,  she'd lost a bit of weight, in just the span of an hour.

The iv was still connected to her,  the doctor had left but she was still avoiding my gaze.

"I'm sorry" I apologised, pleading for everything I'd made her gone through.
It hurt me to see her in pain,  she was my lifeline.
"Baby……" I stopped when she bit her lips,  "are you hurting?  Let me call the d…" she raised her hand stopping me. Then she turned around curling herself into a ball.

"I wanted to be pregnant…" she wanted to carry my baby,  a light pricked my heart momentarily,  dimming instantly when she broke into tears.
I rushed to her side making room for myself on her bed. I clenched my hand around her tightening my hold when her tears intensified.

"Let it all out" I urged my mind going back to my therapy sessions,  I felt the light make a reappearance when she circled her arm around my neck.

Thanking Allah I'd requested for a private room. "I didn't want to admit I wanted the baby at first but I do"
Gently I patted her back whispering assurances into her ears.

While my mind deliberated on whether she'd really let go all that I did to her,  my hands slowly enclosed around her body.

"You're hurting me." She complained bringing her hand between us,  she pushed me and it felt like she was caressing me.

"Hmm we might get people thinking you know" I whispered looking around the room like we were being watched. 
Her lips quirked,  her eye rolling before she resettled them on me,  "And they'll think we're  some couple who can't get enough of each other,  while we're not"  she croaked, puckering her lips.
"Salma please …" she slowly shook her head slightly bowing her head.
"I don't want us to talk about the past,  I just want you to hold me for now,  pamper me, let me forget what hurt feels like" she whispered,  her arms going around my body in an awkward hug,  a soft groan emanated from her lips.
"Should I call the doc" I asked worriedly, "No leave it,  just hold me."
Did that mean I was forgiven?.
I gulped down my words,  holding her as she'd requested and hoping it meant I was forgiven.

****

I'm getting better  😁

Meena Diasso

Reine_Gh