After returning to my quarters that night, I ran my fingers over my lips, mesmerized. They were red and swollen from the fierceness of Ruby's kisses, and our long hours locked in the solitude of the library. The interaction was unlike anything I'd ever experienced, a far cry from the distant and cold contact I'd experienced with James during our moments of intimacy. The idea made me sad; how I wished those nights could be spent in the arms of Ruby, someone I truly cared for, instead of my hate-filled husband.

A smile pulled at the corners of my mouth as I thought back to those stolen moments in the turret, but I fought against it, too guilt-ridden to allow myself to feel pleased about our illicit relations. I wanted so badly to relish in the sensation of Ruby's lips on mine, to be happy that she might replicate some of the odd feelings that I had for her. But I was torn inside.

The intense emotions I was experiencing in Ruby's presence scared me. Homosexual relationships were vehemently against the rules of Grayson, seen by many as one of the more grotesque transgressions one could commit. My entire life I'd heard sermons about this sinful way of thinking, about how God would smite those who lusted after someone of the same gender and sent us back to the dark days that succeeded the third world war. Two decades of hangings and stonings flooded my memories, the cold eyes of those who had died for this very same violation haunting my mind. I knew how dangerous it was to lust after another woman. Yet, I couldn't help myself.

Something seemed to have changed between mine and Ruby's relationship. The kiss shifted things, and in an unspoken agreement, we were suddenly... more. What started off as a friendship of convenience had progressed to something else, some inexplicable mesh of companionship and passion and affection. Such feelings would bring shame upon my home and would surely result in my death, but for once, I wasn't sure if I cared.

I knew that I should be ridden with guilt about my sins, to feel shame at having committed adultery and homosexuality all in one fell swoop. But I didn't have a regretful bone in my body. Kissing Ruby had felt right, a small, innocent gesture that was more fitting and exhilarating than anything I'd ever experienced with my husband. Something that felt so good couldn't be bad- could it?

I let out a groan of frustration and collapsed on my bed. For hours I stared at my ceiling, my emotions swinging like the pendulum of a clock- guilt one minute, glee the next. I felt like I might get whiplash as the feelings alternated- back and forth, back and forth, unsure which feeling should be at the forefront of my mind

Despite my efforts to contain it, a smile stretched across my face so big that it made my cheeks ache. A sense of euphoria coursed through my veins, and I felt like I was floating on a cloud. Moberly Manor seemed to be a little less cold and lonely now. Ruby made my heart flutter and I didn't want the emotions I experienced in her presence to ever end.

Thinking of where things could go with Ruby was exhilarating, an aura of danger and liberty that I'd never experienced before. The sensations allowed me to feel free of James, of Grayson, of the expectations of being a wife. I knew that, no matter how hard I might try, I had crossed over to the side of darkness. Now the light on the other side seemed blindingly bright, painful, more like a nuisance than a guide. I couldn't return to the way things were before, even if I wanted to. I was forever altered.

Through my ecstasy a dark cloud remained, dampening my elation. The dangerous reality of the situation remained in the back of my mind. If Ruby and I pursued this prohibited relationship and we were caught, the Guardians would show us no mercy. If I was lucky, I would be condemned to a life Factories, but Ruby wouldn't be so fortunate. She had already been given a second chance- there wouldn't be a third. It would be selfish of me to lust after her, knowing it would result in her execution. Yet, I couldn't seem to stop thinking about Ruby. I was magnetized to this woman, the person who was my only comrade in this life sentence of servitude.

In that moment I knew that, if Ruby would have me, I would be unquestionably hers. Like Eve in the Garden of Eden, I had taken a bite of the forbidden fruit, the consequences be damned, and now I selfishly wanted more. But unlike Eve, I wasn't sorry for my actions. If I had to pay the price for one moment of weakness, I would take the consequences in stride. Until then, I would savor every bite of the apple, knowing that whatever happened, it would be worth it in the end.

But regardless of how jubilant I felt, I wouldn't press the issue. Ultimately, it was up to Ruby if things progressed to something more, or if our moment of passion was fleeting, the prospect of what could have been snuffed out like the flame of a candle. I was all in, but only if Ruby wanted me. It was a lot to ask of her, an enormous risk to ask her to be mine.

I crawled into bed and turned onto my side, staring out the windows of my balcony. It was a cloudless evening and the stars seemed to shine a little brighter tonight. I watched them sparkle, cutting through the darkness of night, until my lids became heavy. That night, I slept more peacefully than I had in the weeks since I arrived at Moberly Manor.

***************

I woke up the following morning feeling more refreshed than I had in months. I opened my doors and allowed the morning breeze to flow into the room. The birds chirped happily in the cherry blossom beyond my window, and the rising sun painted the eastern sky with vibrant pinks, yellows, and oranges. As I dressed for the day, I was startled to find myself humming happily.

When I came downstairs for breakfast and walked into the kitchen, James was already gone. I met Ruby's bright green eyes and gave her a brilliant smile. Her fair skin blazed and she turned her attention back to the pan of muffins fresh from the oven, but I noticed the way her cheek dimpled as though she were fighting the urge to smile. It made my heart beat a little faster.

"Good morning, Mia. How did you sleep?"

I grinned and took a banana nut muffin from the bread basket. "Better than I have in a very long time."

There was an awkwardness that filled the silence, but not in an uncomfortable way. I was like a young schoolgirl experiencing her first crush, nervous butterflies dancing in her stomach when she was in the presence of the recipient of her affection.

"I suppose we should discuss what happened yesterday," Ruby said, avoiding my eyes.

I was quiet for a moment, taking a bite of the muffin, the banana and walnut flavors filling my mouth. Finally, I said, "Well, I don't have any regrets, if that's what you're asking." I was more sure of this than anything I'd ever felt before.

"Neither do I." Ruby smiled, but the gesture quickly disappeared. "But what we did ... it's prohibited. If the Guardians found out, they wouldn't hesitate to make an example of us. You know that."

I thought about this for a moment. "We won't let them find out. What happens within our home is no one's business but ours. No one can hurt us as long as we keep things quiet."

Ruby sighed. "I don't know, Mia. This feels dangerous. I don't want anything to happen to you because of my own selfish desires."

I got to my feet and stepped around the kitchen counter until we were side by side. With a deep breath, I reach out and took Ruby's hand in mine, intertwining my fingers in hers. She flinched at my touch, but didn't pull away.

"Do you care for me, Ruby?"

"You know I do," she whispered.

"Then don't worry about what could happen. Even if we got caught, to me, it would be worth it," I said. "For once in our lives, we have a choice. For the first time, we get a say in who we want to be with. And I want to be with you. Whatever happens, it will be worth it as long as I have you by my side," I repeated her words from the previous night.

Ruby smiled. "If you're sure this is what you want?"

I nodded.

"We would need to be careful."

"Well, lucky for us, I know the perfect hiding place," I said. I pulled her toward the staircase and up the stairs toward my bedroom, leaving the uneaten breakfast and all of our uncertainties behind us.

***************

This became my new pattern as the weeks continued to pass. Each morning, after James left for work, I would join Ruby for breakfast. Then we would go upstairs and lie in bed, holding one another as we laughed and cuddled and spoke of the desires we could only dream of in a world like Grayson.

In the afternoons, I would retire to James' secret library while Ruby performed her household duties and prepared dinner. There, hidden away in the turret of the mansion and surrounded by thick volumes of every type of book that I could imagine, I felt like a piece of my old life had returned. Between my newfound connection with Ruby and the concealed archives, I was filled with a sense of peace that I once only dreamed of finding.

With James I had to constantly walk on eggshells, afraid of insulting him with the most trivial thing. But when I was alone with Ruby, I could show my true self. Nothing calmed me more than lying in her arms after an especially traumatizing day. We had grown close in the hours alone in the manor, forever bonded by our mutual grief of losing Caleb, our fear of James, and an excitement of exploring the depths of this newfound relationship we were forming. It was exhilarating to have this secret only for the two of us, to wait until James left for work each morning and spend the remainder of the day lying in Ruby's arms.

Caleb's death hadn't been forgotten. On the contrary- it would forever be a part of me. But Ruby's kind words and loving arms eased that pain, and helped me suppress the traumatic memories so I could continue moving forward, despite the remorse in my heart. Together we mourned and together we healed, being the anchor the other needed in the stormiest of times.

After the alleged affair with Caleb, James essentially locked me in the house and threw away the key. It was difficult, at first, to have what little freedom I had retained snatched from my grasp. The punishment would have been unbearable if not for the library and my secret rendezvous with Ruby. She was a great comfort to me while I was stuck in the confines of the house.

Despite being a prisoner, things in Moberly Manor were going well- until James hired a new groundskeeper. He was an older, surly, no-nonsense man who felt women were no better than the farm animals he cared for. He didn't come to the house, which was good news for me. But he was sure to tell James the moment I stepped foot in the barn, which meant my visits to see Pearl were now off limits. I missed her greatly, but I didn't want to take the chance of infuriating James further, especially after witnessing the extent he would go to if he was angry enough. I would never forgive myself if something happened to Pearl because of me. So I admired her from afar as she galloped gracefully through the wildflower meadow, the epitome of innocence and beauty, hoping we would be reunited again before too long.

As time passed, I continued to grapple with my remorse, my heart heavy-laden for more things than I could count. I felt guilt for Caleb's unduly death and leaving his children without a father. I felt guilt for pushing Charlotte's pregnancy and marital woes to the back of my mind in the chaos following our doctor visits. I felt guilty for my relationship with Ruby that grew more with each passing day and for potentially endangering her life because of my selfish desires. Most of all, I felt guilty for being happy when I wasn't sure I deserved to be.