I was awoken the following morning by a light rasping on the bedroom door.

"Yes," I murmured groggily, sitting up in bed.

The door opened and Ruby stepped inside, her gaze averted and her cheeks flaming.

"Good morning, Mrs. Moberly," she said with a small frown. "I'm here to help you ready for your doctor's appointment."

I felt the blood drain from my face. I had been so consumed with Caleb's traumatic murder and the sweet, stolen moment with Ruby in the library that I had forgotten about my doctor's appointment. My good mood was long gone.

Ruby and I didn't speak as she helped me into my burgundy pleated skirt, and tied my hair back in a respectable chignon. I was too nervous to make conversation, and I suspected Ruby was anxious for me. One of two things would happen today- I would either be found positive for pregnancy, or I would get a negative result and endure James' wrath. Neither option was ideal.

I downed a cup of coffee and a few bites of Danish for breakfast, my stomach twisted into so many knots that I didn't even taste it. I gathered my coat and hat with trembling hands. Ruby gave me an encouraging smile before I walked out the door, but I could see my own fears reflected in her green irises.

The mountains were beautiful this time of year, the leaves of the trees spotted with the gold and deep red hues of autumn, falling slowly as they made way for winter. Normally I would stop to take in the sight, breathing in the smells of chimney smoke and soaking in the sun on last time before it hid behind the clouds for months to come.

But, today, all I could focus on was my trip to the clinic. I hardly remembered the walk to the doctor's office. It was all a blur, obscured by my racing heart and worries about things to come.

The doctor tells her she's still not pregnant. He exhales and sits in the chair beside her. "Mrs. Moberly," he said. "It's been close to a year and you have still not conceived. I must voice my concerns to you."

"What do you mean?" I asked, furrowing my brow.

"At this point in the process, we usually begin to look at fertility as a factor in the process. You see here," he said, turning the computer screen to show my ultrasound. "These small spots are ovarian cysts. They are not harmful," he said in response to my startled expression, "but they will make it difficult, if not impossible, for you to conceive a child."

Margaret scoffed at the notion. "If it is the Lord's will, Mrs. Moberly will become pregnant, cyst or no cyst."

She smiled reassuringly at me. I gave a weak smile back, but inside my stomach ached. For months I had been grateful for the negative pregnancy results, thinking I had bought myself another week before having to bring a child into this world. Now, knowing that it might be an impossibility, it was a different story. Why would James keep me around if I couldn't carry his child?

As I walked home, tears pricked at my eyes. I felt ashamed about what Dr. Winthrop had said, embarrassed that my body had turned on me, sullied as if I were tainted goods. My entire life I had been told I was only as good as the children I could provide my husband. I hadn't wanted them, especially with James, but there was a power in knowing that it was my choice, that my empty uterus was a blessing in disguise. Now, knowing that I might never be able to have children, even if I changed my mind later in life, was like a knife in the heart. Once again, the choice had been taken away from me.

A part of me wondered if the cysts were a punishment of sorts for my extramarital affairs with Ruby. Perhaps I had been wrong, and this was His way of showing it. But surely God would not punish me in such a way, to take away the one thing that was keeping me alive, just because of feelings that I had no control over. But now I wasn't so sure.

The moment I opened the door to the manor, Ruby was there waiting.

"Well?" she asked, rubbing her hands anxiously.

I shook my head, and she rubbed my shoulder consolingly, sensing my melancholy.

We went into the kitchen and she served me with a slice of hummingbird cake. I took a bite, the moist cake melting in my mouth and sending my taste buds into overdrive, before washing it down with a glass of cold milk.

"Do not dwell on the doctor's appointment," she said, pulling my hand into hers. "Perhaps it's just not your time yet."

"It might never be my time," I said, setting my fork down, no longer hungry. Ruby stared at me questioningly. "Dr. Winthrop said I have cysts on my ovaries that will make it difficult, if not impossible, to conceive."

Ruby's eyes widened. "I'm so sorry, Mia. Does Mr. Moberly know?" she asked, her eyebrows furrowed. I shook my head no. "Then you must not tell him."

"I don't know, Ruby. Perhaps if he knew the truth, he wouldn't continue to punish me for something that's beyond my control," I said, shivering at the idea of telling him that, once again, I was not carrying his child.

"You might be right," she said, sitting on the stool beside me and looking into my eyes. "But it is just as likely that he will turn you away for the very same reason."

"He wouldn't do that. Not if I have a medical condition," I said, but Ruby looked at me skeptically.

"All I'm saying is that the next Awakening Ceremony is only two months away. There will be a fresh croup of eligible women of childbearing age who are seeking a husband. If you tell Mr. Moberly you are not able to carry his child, it could be the excuse he needs to discard you so he can select a new bride."

My heart sinks as I realize that Ruby's right. If James loved me and respected me, I might be able to confide in him without fear of retribution. But if he really cared for me, he wouldn't speak to me the way he did or cause the pain he causes. I wasn't even sure if James was capable of love. If he was, it wouldn't be with an infertile woman having a secret affair with his housemaid. I nearly laughed at the idea.

***************

That night, when the front door opened and slammed closed, I tensed. Ruby and I made eye contact and she gave me a small, reassuring smile, before turning her attention back to the pork chops she was pulling from the skillet.

James stomped into the kitchen, only a little bit tipsy. I wished that he was drunk, so intoxicated that he went straight to his bedroom and passed out without asking about my doctor's appointment. I wished that I could have just a little while longer to think of how to break the news to him that I wasn't pregnant, that I might never become pregnant. Of course this was the one night James decided to sober up and come home.

Ruby set our dinner plate before us along with a glass of iced tea, before going back to the stove to tend to the dessert.

We ate dinner in silence for a little while as I waited for him to ask the inevitable question. I took one bite of my pork chop, and then another, barely tasting the foot as I chewed. We had nearly cleared our plates and I was hoping beyond hope that perhaps I'd made it through a doctor's visit without his knowing, when his dark, beady eyes found mine over the table.

"Well?" he asked, taking a drink of his sweet tea. Ruby stopped stirring the pudding, bracing for the answer.

I knew what he was implying without asking for more. I shook my head. "I'm not pregnant."

"Hmph," he said nonchalantly, clearing his plate as seemingly unfazed as if I'd said it might rain tonight.

When he'd finished with his dinner, James took his plate to the sink and took a bowl of dessert from Ruby. He gripped the metal spoon and let out a deep breath. "I don't know what else to do, Mia."

He looked so solemn and defeated that I had the urge to reach out and touch him, to console him and let him know that what was happening was not his fault, but some medical anomaly that was preventing our sexual exploits from creating a life. But before I had the chance to comfort him, the innocent, sad man disappeared, and the dark, hate-filled man had returned.

"Take off your clothes," James said. I stared at him with furrowed brows, thrown by the request. "Don't make me ask you again."

My heartrate accelerated and my breathing increased until I feared I would hyperventilate. I was a fool to think James had a heart, that I might have one month where he would try to understand that what was happening wouldn't be cured by punishing me.

I didn't argue, didn't hesitant or ask him to listen to me. I'd learned from experience that it would do me no good. Instead, I complied with his demand and began unbuttoning my blouse, allowing it to fall to the floor along with my skirt and stockings. I stood naked in the kitchen, my hands wrapped around my waist. I kept my eyes cast downward, avoiding Ruby's gaze, waiting and bracing myself for the oncoming assault.

I was surprised when James grabbed my hand and tugged me toward the kitchen door. He turned the knob and the cool November breeze blew into the house, causing me to shiver.

"This large home that you live in and all of the comforts within it are the result of my hard work and long hours spent at the office," James said, staring out onto the grounds where a light snow was beginning to fall, melting before it touched the grass.

More like long hours spent at the bar, I thought, chewing the inside of my jaw so I didn't say the words aloud.

"I provide you with everything you could ever ask for and the only thing I ask of you is to give me children and help repopulate Grayson. I don't think, given the easy life you lead, that I'm asking too much," James said. "Perhaps you simply need a reminder of how fortunate you are that I chose you as my wife. A night on the streets should do the trick."

"What?" I murmured, my eyes widening with surprise. "James, it's freezing outside."

"That's the point. Maybe a night in the cold will help you appreciate the clothes on your back and the roof over your head."

I wanted to tell him that I'd never taken those things for granted, that I knew how blessed I was to have a place to live and warm clothes on my back. But I knew anything I said would go in one ear and out the other. The only thing James could focus on was how I continued to embarrass him by not having his children, so now it was his turn to embarrass me.

I gritted my teeth and walked into the yard, determined to show James that even this humiliation couldn't break me. The cobblestone patio feeling like ice cubes against my feet. I looked back into the warmth of the kitchen where James smirked with satisfaction as a shiver shook my body. Behind him, Ruby stood with her mouth set in a hard line, her hands clenched into fists as though she wanted to punch James. I shook my head infinitesimally, urging her to remain calm or she would be put out on the streets beside me.

"If I catch any of the wait staff helping you, they will be spending the rest of the evening by your side. Is that clear?" James asked, turning to glance at Ruby.

She hesitated, but eventually gave a curt nod. "Yes, Mr. Moberly." With a sigh, she left the room, unable to bear witness to any more of James' cruelty.

"I'll come gather you in the morning, Mia. Perhaps then you can appreciate the things I work hard to provide you with," James said. He closed the kitchen door, the loud clank of the lock seeming ominous in the stillness of the night. Then he turned off the downstairs lights, causing the patio to be engulfed in darkness.

Once my stubborn need to prove to James I would overcome whatever he through my way had ebbed, the gravity of the situation sank in. There was no light. The sky was overcast, so I didn't even have the stars or moon to provide any illumination for me to see by. The nighttime swallowed me, consumed me, and filled me with darkness.

I stumbled blindly across the courtyard, moving more out of memory than sight, until I found the lawn chair where I spent many evenings reading while basking in the afternoon sun. I shivered, the chill of the early November night already sending goosebumps across my naked body. I wondered vaguely how long it would take a person to die at this temperature, and if James would even care if I did; perhaps that was what he wanted. I wished I had the sun's vibrant rays now to warm my body now. If James' experiment had proved one thing, it was how much I took little things like that for granted.

I sat in the lawn chair and curled onto my side in the fetal position, trying to maintain as much of my body's warmth- and what little remained of my dignity- as possible. From this angle, I could see straight into the housemaid's chambers. There, staring out the arched cathedral window, Ruby stood staring onto the gardens. She pressed her hand against the glass, her eyes narrowed with agony. How it must pain her to see me this way. I closed my eyes, imagining I could feel the warmth of her hand against my heart, as though Ruby could actually reach out and touch me from such a distance. The idea brought me a sense of comfort, and I actually found myself smiling. When I opened my eyes again, she was still there, waiting and watching, the warmth of the house made her look like an angel- my guardian angel who had been sent to watch over me.