"Good morning, Ikari Shinji-kun. You're up early"

"Well, I've got nothing else to do"

"Let's take a break."

Shinji turned his gaze to him upon hearing his request.

They had been playing the piano for quite some time, just like every day, and to be honest his fingers were starting to feel tense and sore. It even got difficult to keep up with the music; Nagisa surely proposed to rest upon noticing this.

But he didn't want to stop.

"I'm fine, we can keep practicing," he said, trying to convince him.

"You're tired, if you overexert yourself you can end up getting hurt. We should stop for a bit and then we can continue," the white-haired boy insisted, getting up from his seat. "Wait for me here, I'll be right back."

Saying no more, Nagisa left, leaving the shorter one alone in front of the piano.

He was right that it would be best if they took a break. The rhythm of the music was more and more constant, and there were multiple times when Ikari found his fingers aching from all the effort. The albino always told him that they could stop anytime he wanted.

Still, Shinji preferred to keep quiet, focusing all his thoughts on coordinating the movement on the keys, instead of remembering the situation he was in.

The monotony of the days remained intact, and the boy was already used to this new life. He even liked that it was calmer than having to risk his life fighting angels. But the uncertainty of the whole world around him made him more and more anxious.

He had too many doubts, but no answers. And, at the same time, fear of knowing what these would be.

Also, he felt very lonely.

It was different than before; he used to feel that way because he didn't have anyone to fully trust or who could understand him. But now he had absolutely no one by his side, it was always him and only him. The only moment that changes is when he was with Nagisa.

And now that he was gone, even if it was only for a few minutes, those compulsive thoughts were back.

The brunette stood up, opting to walk around the place while he waited for him. Although he had been there multiple times, he had always focused on the piano or Kaworu (or both), so he had never been able to appreciate how quiet that place was.

The sun's rays felt warm, and the breeze brushed against his body. Everything was empty, except for the piano and the small tree to one side of it, but it was still the only nice sector in the entire Geofront (or what was left of it).

Although it was in ruins, there seemed to be a certain peace and serenity in that place.

He approached the edge, noticing the immense height at which he was; he couldn't even see the ground because of the mist. A rush of vertigo ran through him almost instantly, but he didn't move away.

It's a long fall he thought, without looking away despite the annoying tingling sensation. It would be terrifying for anyone to imagine slipping and falling from such a height. It would be an instant death.

A part of his mind wondered what it would be like if he jumped.

A painful pressure settled in his chest at his own thoughts.

"Ikari-kun?"

It took him by surprise to hear Kaworu's voice behind him, interrupting any idea his mind wanted to formulate.

"Y-You came back quickly" he limited himself to say, trying to act calm. The taller one extended his hand offering him a bottle of water.

"I didn't go too far," he said. "And I didn't want to leave you alone too long"

Shinji let out a small smile, accepting the bottle.Sometimes it surprised him how Nagisa seemed to be able to read him so easily.

"That's a nice sight," added the albino, watching the fall beside him. Ikari wondered if he was serious or if he was being sarcastic.

"Yes, although it's a bit scary," he admitted. As soon as he looked down there again, he felt the vertigo attacking him one more time.

"It's normal to fear when you perceive a danger, you seek to protect yourself" Kaworu continued speaking, after letting out a tender laugh. And, contradicting his words, he crouched down to sit there, his legs almost dangling over the edge.

It was confusing to him how he could do that and be so calm, but Shinji still tried to imitate him and sit next to him.

He was hesitant at every move, afraid of making a wrong step. That feeling seemed incoherent to him; he was afraid of falling when a few seconds ago he thought that jumping would be a good option.

He smiled bitterly to himself. Apparently his mind was always wanting to die, but his unconscious was busy stopping him.

"Is something wrong?" Nagisa asked again, noticing the expression of discomfort on the brunette.

"Huh? N-No, I'm fine" he lied.

"You didn't have a good expression a few seconds ago," he continued even though the other had tried to avoid the subject. "Isn't there something you want to talk about?"

After he asked again, Shinji looked back at him, keeping quiet. He wanted to repeat that nothing was happening, he preferred to ignore everything that was going on in his head; but Kaworu was looking at him with some concern, giving him time to respond. Besides he felt that he could easily keep reading him no matter how much he lied.

For once he wanted to let out what was tormenting him.

The brunette let out a long sigh.

"I'm worried" he finally admitted.

"Is there anything in particular that bothers you?"

"Well... everything, I guess."

As he took a few more seconds in silence to think of what to say, fixing his gaze on the bottle in his hands, he tried to stop himself from letting out another bitter smile.

"It's just... Suddenly I woke up not knowing where I was, and I ended up finding out that I was asleep inside EVA 01 for 14 years and now everything is totally different from how I remembered it. NERV is not like before, there aren't even more angels to fight with, I don't know what the purpose of this is anymore. Everyone I knew is distant or hostile towards me, and it makes me feel like I lost everything. Even..."

He paused for a moment, moving one of his hands up to the choker around his neck.

"They even put this thing on me that could explode at any moment." There was more heaviness in his voice as he said that. "They always asked me to pilot the EVA, and now I'm not supposed to... But my father said I have to pilot with you again. Everything is so confusing..."

He lowered his gaze even more, focusing on a fixed point and trying to ignore the landscape in front of him. He returned his hand to his lap, fiddling with the bottle between them to hide the anxiety he felt.

"Even though so many years have passed and everyone has changed, I still look the same as before... Asuka mentioned something about that, about the curse of EVA, but I don't understand. Everything that happened feels too close to me, it's hard for me to adapt to the fact that everything is so desolate now." He made a small silence again. "And then... Then there's Ayanami..."

Thinking about the girl with light blue hair increased how disconcerted he felt.

"Before I stayed inside the EVA, I was trying to save her. Everyone told me that she doesn't exist anymore when Ayanami is here. But... I don't understand what's wrong with her. She was always reserved with everyone, but she had become closer to me. But now she just ignores me, she talks a lot less than before, she asks me confusing questions, and it seems like she doesn't remember anything that happened. She looks at me like I'm a complete stranger, even more than when I met her..."

Nagisa didn't say a single word, just watched and listened in silence. In a way, it relaxed Shinji; he could talk about his feelings without receiving an automatic response where he was judged or told what he should have done.

He could have gone on to mention many more things, but he didn't want to go too far or take advantage of the boy's kindness.

"I feel like I lost everything I had," he finally said "and I wish everything would go back to the way it was before. I always felt alone and that's why I pushed people away, but now it hurts even more when I realize that I really don't have anyone anymore."

Once he finished, he fell silent. It was strange to be able to talk about his emotions (or feel safe to do so), but part of it felt good. Still, his anxiety was present; also questioning what would the albino say about it.

He wanted to trust he wouldn't hurt him, but his subconscious threatened to remind him that he was being a nuisance.

Why am I telling Nagisa-kun all this?

That thought also came to his mind.

He barely knew him, and all they did together was playing the piano. It was true that the white-haired boy had supported him a few times; but he must have grown to trust him innately to be able to talk with him so freely. Nothing like this ever happened to him.

So... Why was Nagisa different?

The boy caught his attention by placing his hand against his without warning. A shiver made the brunette tremble at the surprise of his action.

"It's normal for you to feel that way," the taller one began to speak almost instantly. "It must be difficult to wake up after so long and see that nothing and no one is as you remembered. Anyone in your place would want to know why everything changed so much."

Shinji kept watching the boy as he spoke.

"Still," said the shorter one, "I don't think I'm ready to know." It was hard for him to admit that in particular. "I know it's contradictory, but... I'm also terrified to find out what happened."

"Feeling fear is also something normal, you perceive that change as a danger and that is why it is not easy for you to face it." he continued, reminding him of what was mentioned a few minutes ago. "It's okay that you need time to process something like that, you shouldn't put pressure on yourself if you're not ready. Those are your feelings, and it is valid that you face them in your own way."

Shinji froze. It was unthinkable for him to receive such an answer, but he felt good that someone listened to him without judging. The albino kept looking at him with warmth and tenderness... It was something new for him.

"Humans are often afraid to open up and connect with each other, so they avoid being betrayed and hurt. But they can't help but feel lonely, another aspect they fear." his gaze moved from his face to his hand holding his, further entwining their fingers with each other. The brunette couldn't distinguish what feeling that caused him. "Human can't permanently be free of loneliness. Because man is ultimately alone. But people can go on living because they're able to forget."

The younger continued watching him. He couldn't fully understand what he was saying, but somehow his words rmade him feel safe and partially understood. Even when he put more pressure on his hand, the action didn't bother him at all.

Nagisa looked back at his face, fixing his red eyes on his.

"You don't have to feel alone anymore. Now I'll be by your side until the end." He gently caressed the brunette's knuckles with his thumb, without taking his eyes off him. "I want to give you that happiness you are looking for."

Ikari didn't need to see his reflection to know that his face must be red up to his ears.

He was confused by his actions, about having received such words specifically directed at him... But more than anything, he couldn't read his own emotions.

And it was creating a silence between them, which was making him nervous.

"I... I don't know what to say..."

He admitted, looking down, full of embarrassment. Nagisa had told him all that, but he couldn't get a word out.

"Don't worry," the taller boy said, with his typical calm smile. "You don't have to give me an answer."

"Even so," he returned to his word, hesitating and making an effort to return his gaze, "... Thank you, Nagisa-kun."

Kaworu widened his warm smile.

"It's nothing," he replied, pressing his hand again.

Neither of them made a move to release their hands.

Shinji was overwhelmed. Nobody had said things like that to him, nor had they treated him like that, as if his feelings were valid, and his existence was valuable to him. He was never good at taking compliments, but this was already on a whole other level.

He recognized how his nerves settled back in his stomach at the thought of the albino and his charming words; they were identical to what he had felt several times with Ayanami and on a few occasions with Asuka. He knew that those cases were because he was attracted to them, but Kaworu is a boy. He didn't understand what was causing him to feel that.

There's no way that...

But he kept quiet to himself.

As if part of his subconscious told him that it was exactly the same as with both girls.

Heat returned to his face, much more than before. Doubts and confusion were spinning in his head looking for another explanation about what he made him feel. It couldn't be that, they were both boys; he couldn't have those kinds of feelings towards another man.

And Nagisa...

Another silence formed in his mind.

Nagisa-kun has made me feel better than anyone in a very long time...Even since before I was trapped in EVA 01.

"Is something wrong?" He heard the protagonist of his thoughts at his side, looking at him again.

Shinji realized what kind of expression he must have made moments ago.

"Huh? No, I'm fine," he said quickly, trying to look calmer. "Let's continue playing the piano."

Kaworu nodded, standing up and holding out a hand to help him up.

Although his face was still burning and the tingling in his stomach was still spinning, he took his hand, letting out a small smile.

Perhaps part of him did dare to accept what he felt for the albino.

As I mentioned in the previous chapter, English is not my language and I probably made several mistakes in the translation. Any comment or correction is appreciated.

I hope you enjoy the chapter♡