First, we feel. Then we fall.

~James Joyce~

                                     Romano

She looked lifeless. Her face was white, her hair a tangled mess, the shirt unbuttoned but decently enough not to expose her cleavage. I stood beside the bed, my hands held on my chest, with worry swirling through my mind. It had been two days since I found her, two long days of not knowing the horrors she had gone through.

"Why the hell is she not awake yet?" I bellowed at the woman standing opposite me, a stethoscope around her neck. She looked up at me, her eyes trying to avoid mine, she made a gesture with her head, and I wasn't sure whether it was a nod or shaking her head.

She was always jumpy in my presence, looking like a scared cat. But she had a good reason to be afraid of me; I've threatened her more than a couple of times.

" It has been two days?" I repeated, gently touching Mia's forehead. She did not make a sound or any indication that she'd felt the touch.

"I think she's afraid to wake up," the doctor murmured, her face bowed towards Mia.

"Why?"

"She can't hurt if she is unconscious."

"What the fuck does that mean?"

"She is afraid that if she wakes up, she'll be in the same place with the same people who abducted her, so her brain is, in a way keeping her from consciousness.

"How long will it last?"

"Im a general practitioner, not a psychologist, so I'm not sure."

"Take a guess," I ordered, lifting my face from Mia's to look at her.

"What?" I heard the fear in her voice as well as the hesitation that came with it."

"You heard me!"

"I can't take a guess."

"You said you're not sure."

"What?" now she sounded like a parrot.

"Your initial statement was: you're not sure unless I'm having a problem with my English interpretation, that means you have an idea, so take a guess and tell me how long she might be out."

"Look, Mr. Bellucci, I can't diagnose someone..." I interrupted her. She was beginning to get into my nerves with that chirpy voice that sounded like noisy birds.

"Im not asking for a diagnosis, and I'm not giving you a choice either. Tell me how long you think she'll be in this condition, how hard is it for you to take a guess?" I stared right into her eyes as I waited for her answer. She must have seen the uncompromising hardness on my face because she moved her face, nervously twinning her fingers before she whispered there was no way of knowing.

"What do you mean there is no way of knowing?"  though my voice remained angry, my heart run a mile with worry. I was scared.

"She might wake up in the next minute, or it could take longer, " her voice slightly lowered when she said longer.

"How much longer." she hesitated, and I raised my head, glaring at her," Maybe a year."

" A year?" I boomed! "Did you say a year?" I could see she was about to cry, tears were shimmering in her eyes, but I did not care; I was still glowering down at her as if it was her fault Mia was unconscious. It wasn't until Bruno came into the room that I realized that I had moved from where I had stood to where the doctor was.

She was scared of me, her body drooping, trying to avoid my wrath.

"You're taking out your anger on the wrong person, Rom," Bruno murmured, coming to stand exactly where I had stood a minute ago. He was right, of course, he was right, but I wasn't reasonable; I couldn't be because I didn't know how to handle how I felt about it reasonably.

Mia was lying down like she was dead. I have seen more dead bodies than I could count; hers looked exactly the same, except I knew she was alive. But her light was out, her playfulness gone, the shining eyes full of mischievousness remained hidden by her eyebrows.

My girl was so scared that she chose to hide within her self than deal with the horrors that awaited her.

"Can she be moved?

"What?"

"Don't say what to me another motherfucking time, or I swear I will kill you."

I heard a hiccup; then, she placed her hand on her mouth, her eyes pleading with me. I heard a scuffle in the room, but my attention remained with the young women in a white coat with eyes full of tears, the trembling body a clear indication that she was about to crumble down.

"Rom, " I heard Devonni's low voice, but I still stared at the doctor.

"Rom, " he called again, this time, I looked at him and my eyes collided with Paulie's smirk and a knowing look. " he says he has something to tell you." Devonni's innocence would get him killed someday if he believed any word Paulie had told him.

Paulie had nothing to tell me; he and I knew it. He looked at me as if he had won one over me, or like he knew something I didn't know, something that was in my benefit to know, or maybe he was bluffing, either way, I didn't give a shit; he was the enemy. I was tired; I hadn't slept since Mia went missing or since I got back. I spent time watching her, continually keeping an eye on her just in case she slipped into eternal sleep; neither had I eaten; everything Bruno forced into my mouth either tasted bitter or bland. I was in constant worry that I might never have Mia back.

It seemed like I had her for only five minutes.

I have always considered myself reasonable, always thought with a clear head, and never allowed my emotions to rule over me, but there was always the exception to the rule, and this was it. Bruno must have read the intent in my eyes because he kicked the door closed so fast the impact shook the room, and the sound of it merged with the clomp of Paulie's body hitting the floor, his head leaving a streak of blood on the white wallpaper.

In my anger, I had forgotten there was an outsider in the room; the doctor's screech came as a shock, and so was the pandemonium that followed. I wasn't myself; I had lost all my senses or my reasoning. "Shut the fuck up and tell me if she can be moved," I shouted at the doctor, whose eyesight was blurred by tears and fear that was so evident in them. She was leaning on the wall, looking like she would fall at any moment.

I moved at her, shouting, something I never do. Devonni and Matteo were looking at me as if I was an alien creature, or as if I was a stranger. "Talk, or I swear to God, the next bullet goes through your skull."

She didn't say anything but continue whimpering, staring at me as if I was a monster, and maybe in her eyes, I was.

"Tell me, damn it!"

" Fuck it, Rom! Stop it! I heard Bruno say, but I didn't acknowledge it; my eyes were still on the doctor's face, staring her down.

"I'm asking her a question, " I said, moving to stand close to her. "I'm sorry, " she whispered.

"I don't want your sorry; just answer the damn question!" I calmly said.

"Everybody out, " Bruno's loud voice must have been heard by everyone on that floor.

"Don't move," I ordered. Our eyes were locked. I wondered why Manuel got us a doctor whose innocence still lingered deep into her eyes. I saw a lot in those eyes, fear, regret, anger but no fight. She was no warrior.

The World was a jungle, and sometimes only the strongest survive. This woman had just crossed over the invisible line to witness the other side of the world; she'd witnessed a murder; her world would never be the same again.

"Did you hear what I just said?" the doctor looked at me and then at B; I figured she wondered who to listen to.

"Get out, or I will kill you myself, " Bruno looked like the devil; his hair was disheveled, his suit wrinkled, he looked as if he had not showered in a couple of days. Both of us were shouting at the same time, then.

"Rom, " he called, but I was still shouting at the doctor, "goddamn it, Rom, what the fuck are you doing? Stop!"

How could I stop? How do I deal with it if I stop? My life was falling apart in front of my eyes, and there was nothing I could do about it.

"Get the fuck out now."

" She can't leave, B."

"You can't kill her."

"Then, she better answers my question."

Bruno stared at me, his green eyes turning sorrowful as he looked at me. This was crazy; I was falling apart, and I saw how far I had fallen when I looked into those green eyes that seemed to know exactly how I was feeling, yet deceptive because how would Bruno know how I felt?

"Do you want her to tell you what is right for Mia, or do you want her to tell you what you want to hear?"

Oh, God! I was losing my fucking mind. I couldn't think straight. I thought the day she was kidnapped was my worst day ever; little did I know days later, the fear that she might not wake up or slip away to death on my watch would be like a walking nightmare.

Nothing beats the feeling of helplessness. I felt as if both my hands were tired, or the way sleep paralysis felt. Neither my money nor power came to my rescue; I was reduced to feel like every other human being; I was reminded humans had a limit on how much power they wielded.

I'm not sure why the doctor thought it was wiser to listen to Bruno than me, probably because she figured he was the saner one or because she could see Bruno was getting through to me. I watched her take one step at a time, slowly throwing glances at me, afraid I might kill her as I had said. I saw her rushing out of the door the moment she was out of my sight like the devil was after her.

"What do we do about the body?"

"Leave it there; we'll clean it up in a few minutes," Bruno answered, watching as they all left the room. I heard the door close.

When everyone was out, Bruno walked to the window while I stood beside the bed, where Mia still laid unconscious even after that confrontation.

"Im not going to stand here and pretend I know how you're feeling, but Rom, you need to keep your fingers from the trigger."

"What if she never wakes up, B," I asked, but I wasn't really expecting an answer, yet I would be lying if I didn't need reassurance.

"You said she spoke when we got her; I believe she will again," Bruno said, that somewhat gave me hope. But that hope didn't last long because looking at Mia's white face reminded me that the doctor had said there was no way of knowing how long she would be unconscious.

"What did she say anyway?"

"She asked whether I was real." Bruno nodded as if he understood. In his mind, he did. He much has thought mia wanted me to confirm she wasn't dreaming, except that was our thing, and I always asked the question, she has never asked me.

"That's my line Bella Mia, " I had replied, and she'd placed her hand right into my heart as if she was looking for proof of life.

"Remember the night Raph brought Soph?"

I nodded.

"Charlie told him to talk to her. You should try that."

"What the fuck should I say?"

"I'm the wrong person to ask that." He said as he walked out of the door, leaving me with Mia,  a dead body that was slanted against the wall, and a silence that was loud enough to scare the devil, but the devil inside of kept wanting to be let out, except I couldn't. Mia needed me.
I moved her slightly so I could get into the bed with her, facing her, touching her face, kissing her lightly on the lips.

"Please wake up, Bella mia, " I begged," Wake up so you can hear me say I'll love you always."