They say that without pain, there is no gain.

Without change, there is no growth.

Without fear there is no hope.

But I think that one day you will thank yourself for never giving up. There were a lot of moments in my life one would think I regret, but without those moments I wouldn't be here today, somehow still not hung but very glad I wasn't.

I watched the water in the lake, the moon shining on the ripples created by the rocks I was chucking into them. 

At times I was my own mystery, not knowing where I was going with this life. I only knew one thing, and that was what my family did, protect, kill, survive and now suddenly I felt like there was more to life.

There was one thing for sure, I could never go back to being a guard for the royal family, I could never protect Nik or anyone else like that but at the same time I wasn't too sad for the loss. But I couldn't go back to being a government agent, a brutal murderer. It came too naturally to me, and that scared me.

Could I sit all day by the lake and watch the waves move on like my life? Well probably not, I would get bored.

It's only been twenty-four hours since the judge said I was not guilty and my fingers were already itching to hold the familiar heavy gun. My legs aches to run and my limbs wanted to stretch, my brain needed a challenge but my heart was at a point in my life where it just wanted everything to be quiet.

I was in a war, with myself. And I wasn't sure who was going to win.

"You're not in bed."

I didn't jump or get scared when the voice caught me off guard, maybe because I was used to hearing far worse in quiet, like a gun shot or a scream. I looked over my shoulder to see Daniel shifting on his feet, no doubt shivering from the cold that I was getting used to.

"I can't sleep." I replied.

Daniel was in his flannel pyjama pants with a thick jacket over the top, his hair was messy and eyes still half shut, "Go back to bed." I told him. 

"I can't sleep without you there."

I rolled my eyes, "I'm not even in your room Daniel."

"Exactly," he crouched next to me, crossing his legs unlike me who had them dipped in the freezing water. 

Would they go numb? Would they fall off?

"You should get some sleep. You didn't even sleep last night."

I shrugged, "Not sleepy." I lied. I was really sleepy, I was exhausted but my body didn't want to sleep. My mind was rushing, my brain working over time. Thoughts were running left, right and centre in my brain.

"What are you thinking about?"

I shrugged. There were too many things I was thinking about that I couldn't get much focus.

I did wince however when I felt his warm hand being placed over mine, it was a contrast to the icy cold water around my feet but yet he heated me up.

"Tell me."

"I don't know."

"You do know. You just don't want to talk. That's always been the same with you Sandy."

I sighed, I just didn't know how to talk. I turned my head looking into those chocolate brown eyes and sighed again. "What do I do now?"

"What do you mean? Its four in the morning."

"No...I mean like with my life."

"What do you want to do?"

"Nothing. I don't know, but I want to do something."

Daniel smiled, I could see his eyes crinkling in what little light the moon offered.

"Do what you want Sandy. You have such a long and beautiful life left."

"I don't know what I want to do."

"What brings you joy?"

That was a question that threw me off track. I didn't know what brought my continuous joy. There were moments were I was happy but they were only minimal.

"You."  right now that's all I could think of. He brought me joy, pain, anguish and everything in between. But being by his side all I wanted was to be in the present. 

There was a frown on his face, and he turned his head to look towards the water. 

Suddenly it was all cold.

"Sandy...there's some things I need to tell you."

"Tell me."

"I don't know how."

"You do know how. You just don't want to talk. That's always been the same with you Dannie." I mocked him using the same words he did. The corners of his lips lifted but the smile didn't reach his eyes and I suddenly started to worry.

"What is it?" I asked. 

"There's something that I have been hiding from you. I wanted to tell you but Alex told me that you weren't ready for it. I don't know if you are either but I don't want you to resent me for telling you but I don't want you to loathe me for hiding it from you either. But most of all I can't sit here beside you knowing this,"

"What are you talking about?" I asked confused. I reached out for him but he moved his hand away.

"Sandy...where do you think I have been for the past two or three years nearly now?"

I shrugged "I don't know." 

I was confused at his reaction, why he wouldn't look at me in the eye. Instead he stared out into the water, his eyes downcast. If it wasn't for him talking I would have believed he was fast asleep.

"Just tell me." I said after he said nothing. It must have been something big if he was feeling such turmoil inside of him, I could almost hear his heart beat racing fast.

"What do you know about your parents?"

My breathe hitched, "I uh...not much. Why are we talking about them now?"

"Because Sandy...they're still alive. And I know where they are."

My breathe stopped. 

How was one meant to even meant to reply to that. I felt the tightening of my throat, I cleared it, "I um. I think you're mistaken. I'm pretty sure they died. Alex told me-,"

"Alex lied!"

I frowned and I wasn't sure if it was to keep the tears behind my eyes from falling, "Why would Alex lie to me?"

"He didn't mean any harm. It was for your best but I can't keep silent when I know you want to know what happened to them. They're alive Sandy. I saw them."

"You must be mistaken" I said giving a nervous laugh, "There's no way...I heard the story I mean I am pretty sure someone showed me an article that said that they were dead Daniel. You simply must have seen maybe a relative or something?"

Daniel sighed taking out something from the pocket of his jacket.

My eyes focused on the white piece of envelope in his hands.

"This came last night, after the judgement. Alex didn't want to give it to you but, I think you deserve to know." he handed the piece of envelope towards me.

"They had to leave Sandy. It wasn't because they didn't love you but a lot went on when Jonathan was younger. Your parents uncovered that he killed the Queen, the one buried in the hedges and that Jax was never the real heir. They had to go to save you and Alex. I don't know the full story themselves but they really do love you."

I looked at the envelope not sure if I should take it or not. I spent my whole life wondering where they were, if they were still alive. At the back of my head I always knew they were but now that there was proof I didn't want to know. You spend your whole life loving the things that just hurt you in the end.

And knowing this did that.

Daniel placed the envelope beside me and stood up, "I'll talk to you tomorrow."

I watched him walk away, without him looking back once and that hurt.

I looked at the envelope narrowing my eyes at it, was this a joke? A prank? Was I being filmed?

I reached for the envelope that was still warm. 

I looked at my name in cursive writing on the front. It was immaculate. I turned the envelope over, it was unopened.

I frowned looking at it before I couldn't take it anymore and I opened it. Inside was a very small card, minuscule with less than a sentence written on it.

We are proud of you. Mum and Dad

I frowned.

Is this real?

Can I believe this?

And if so, Why now? Why did they choose to come back now? Is it because Jonathan was gone? Did they want something?

Why did Alex lie to me?

And then I realised the best way to kill someone was to fill their heart with so much hope that they would be devastated.