As long air flows through my lungs, I can get better. The year off was to grieve. I unconsciously pre-plan for an unexpected heartache, life hidden remedies. Yeah, right.

It took some time, but attending college makes sense. Keeping myself active to prevent flying off the hinges is pertinent to Quinn's sake. I collected the pieces left of my heart off the burnt coal and trekked on, but it didn't rescue me from a place of disassociating. I exit my rose diva Fiat 500 from a well-needed lunch break from my studies, enclosing my books to my chest, navigating through my concerns for the future because happiness seems so distant.

His handsome butterscotch eyes used to lose themselves in my gaze that could spark a fire pit. I have dreams of him returning home to me. It is cruel and self sabotaging to lean on that thought. It is strangling, but when I intoxicated myself, I realized that for a few hours of forgetting was painful. If not worse. So the decision was plain. It's how I stay closer to his spirit.

The night Quinn appeared at our grandmother's house. It echoes in my mind a million times. The way I disrespected my parents, not sorry, but I wish it was different. I turned the key to my dorm room as my roommate swung it open and paused in the doorway with a smile.

"Going to a frat party. Do you want to come?" Ainsley raised her eyebrows, gleeful, waiting for a response, but I'm reluctant about how I should respond. "Hmm, I can tell you're thinking no, but." She curled her bow-shaped lips. "Come on, twenties is our prime time. Haven't you had friends who wanted to drag you out and experience life with them?"

I actually had to giggle at the thought. The events of running with the wolves in the cold majestic woods, dancing at a freaking politician party under the icy moon as though it was all about us, or fleeing from wolf hunters. And the day they kidnapped you and how I didn't skip a beat to run after you. If I can, I'll save you a million times after. Yeah, I lived. "What?" she said, putting her hand on my shoulder.

It snatched me out of it as I squeezed past her. "No, thanks." Bora would force me to leave with her, but those dark feathery curls fluttering in the wind convince me to stay and daze thinking of you. I carry a visible mark on my neck. It makes his existence real. "I'm good, have fun." Placing my books on the desk. I hope she accepts the answer and leaves.

The sigh she exhaled crowded the room. "Okay, well, I'll be back later, and we should watch a movie?" I peeked over my shoulder, responding, and she closed the door behind her. I recline at the ceiling, dimpling my cheek with a pencil eraser.

That day, I broke down. I'm not that person anymore. Now, I am accustomed to the pain. Instead, this energy ranges from the things I love. I glanced at my computer screen. Speaking of which, I peeped into the hallway to ensure no unexpected intruders. Empty as usual. Everyone is at the frat party, drinking, getting laid. I don't want it.

Bora is who I had my whole life planned out with. During the first month, I fixated on prayer, asking for a pregnancy while taking all the vital steps to prioritize my well-being. We had sex an abnormal amount of times, with multiple breaks the night I gave myself to him, and he was unrestrained. It might be impractical, given the differences between us.

A dark room with a balsam candle close to his aura is where I spend most of my hours. There are no pictures to reflect on. I lost the first set of photo albums in the house fire, and we weren't together long enough to consider new ones. So... I sketched one to bring him back to life, finishing up the eyes. There, I memorized his features, moving me to tears as I cleaned along the lining of his cheekbone. Our paths won't cross again.

A thin film of haze hovers across my screen. The more I noticed, the thicker the fog was, and a chemical burnt smell violated my nose soon after. What is burning? I glance over at the mini toaster oven on top of the miniature fridge, discharging smoke from it. What in the world! I dashed to it, unplugging it.

I open the glass door with mittens in a smog-filled room, coughing up a uterus. I raised the window and chunked it as the cloudiness seeped into the outside air, and I dipped my head out to breathe.

I'm plopping on my bed, and I exhale. There is no need to ask. Ainsley involved. It isn't the first time. Her late night activities distract her, forgetting food in the oven. Good thing I am here. Grunting captured my ears as I veered toward the window, seeing blonde hair plunge to the floor with a whine while his leg caught on a protruding nail, powerless to get loose

"Jeri?" I pried the bottom hem of his pants snagged on the nail. One more wiggle and his foot was free, still with his beer bottle held in the air so it won't spill. "You okay?" I lifted under his armpit.

"Don't forget your brother," This nut crashes in as well.

"You guys can't be for real right now." I fixed a stern and angry gaze on both of them. "Can you two use the simple door?"

Quinn stood up, adjusted his shirt, and nudged me to the side. "I didn't -" He stumbled and planted his face on the bed. "Feel like walking the halls, so we took a shortcut." The idiot splurged. They both made eye contact to read each other and laugh. The peak of disbelief, while mouthing 'what the f-' it can't be real. I held my temple to prevent it from snapping.

"Okay, fine, but why are you guys here?"

Jeri rises from the floor. "Oh, you know," he belches. "fornicating." I detest in a disgusted frown at that statement, watching him take a few clumsy steps and tumbled into the desk, knocking everything over, landing right on my roommate's bed.

Quinn hollered with laughter. "Say man, you alright?"

I yank on his arm. "Okay, you can't lay there. Get up." I tugged. Jesus, he weighs a horse. Quinn bumped into Jeri at a bar not too long ago, learning that they were college friends and have been inseparable ever since, along with his few other drunken peeps. I partied with them one time, never again. I don't need another night of Quinn and his pals serenading; If I Ever Fall In Love, to ever women passing by like they on some sitcom. 

He put the beer in my face. "Want some."

I scrunch up my nose from the bitter, nauseous scent, pushing it away. "No, thank you."

He sniffs around. "It's so smoky in here." He fans and looked at Quinn. "Just like that girl I banged the other day." They both stuck out their tongue pointing at each other, coming up with random short ad libs of animal sounds.  

"O- okay," I sing. "I think that's enough drinking for you." I took it from his grips. A flying object flew by my face, missing him as I'm startled by it.

"Say man, my sister is here." Quinn threw something else. Jeri caught it and flung it back as I ducked, watching it cluck him on the forehead. He celebrated his victory by throwing up his hands like a football goal and landing on the bed. The room entrance cracked open, followed by chattering, and I rushed over, slammed it shut, locking the top bolt.

"Gemma!" Ainsley banged on the door.

I drew my attention to Jeri and Quinn engaging in a pick up whatever you find object fight. "Okay, time to go." Three nights in the row they've done this, but no worries, I'm prepared. I retrieve a handheld water gun from the drawer. "You guys cut the crap." Fours squirts to Quinn's eye and his over the top, suffocating like he had a whole pail dumped on his head.

"We're leaving." He wipes with the sleeve, shuffling to the window. As soon as he is halfway out; I nudge him further. "Owe," he hit the ground.

"Gemma, open the door." I hear her again. Despite her impatience, I need to eliminate these two.

"Just a minute." I go to Jeri, tugging him up. I turn him around while he takes a swig as I press on his back. "Out, out, out."

"Alright, alright, you don't have to push."

He stuck one leg out the window, and I nudged him further, overhearing him land on Quinn as they both grumbled in pain. "Why?" Someone cries but gets ignored as I close it.

I take a deep breath and let her in. "What the hell, Gemma?"

I strolled away from her, hearing her shut the door. "Sorry, I was cleaning." I back plopped on the bed.

She sniffed the air. "Did you burn something? It smells like rubber and popcorn." She tossed her keys on the distress nightstand, sliding off the jacket.

I gazed at her. "No, you did. You left your pizza in the oven."

"Oops. Thanks. Sheesh, I am twenty-two, but my body seems forty, and my brain is eighty." She popped her back, entering the bathroom. "I'm going to pass on the flick my ex at the party wore me out." I clenched my jaw, looking forward to that movie so I wouldn't sleep so soon. What I'll give to hear from him again, but I have to channel my inner turmoil so she won't notice.

"Jeez, Aynz, you chose the pecker over me." I fluffed my pillow, pretending to appear tired with a smirk.

"Whatever, I'm waiting for you to ride somebody's pony." Gross, I thought as she went to the window. "Hmm, your sexy brother and his fine friend were here, I see. There is no need to hide. I can handle both." She turned to me with a jest grin. "Girl, don't keep them from me."

I snuck in a chuckle, shaking my head. "You do not want broken men."

"Those are the best kind." Her laugh echoed, heading back to the bathroom, running the bath water. Such a goof. Envious of how free from pain she is, always upbeat. Meanwhile, I'm sucked in the slumps thinking any man I choose after you will be settling. Don't cry. Cope with the loss.

https://youtu.be/DCYmJDO2_IE