"Do you have a college you plan on attending?" The twinkling chirpy voice of the school counselor did everything except calm me down. College, right? That's what I'm supposed to be thinking right now. Well the obvious choice that's been a constant since my freshmen year is to attend UTEP. The four-year college that everyone in El Paso is proud of having. The number one school in Nursing and Computer Science. 

And yet, I'm looking at the printed copy of a 'Senior Checklist' from the counselor, and I have zero ideas on what the plan is. The plan was for me to find my passion in nursing, that's why I spent an entire year in the LVN program.

Clearly, nursing is not my route. 

I was supposed to find my passion in theatre, the one place where I knew I could be anyone but myself. Be part of a group of people with shared likes and passions. 

Not really, more like a reason to sneak into the dressing rooms and have a look out on the otherside. 

I looked at the haunted ink on the paper, "Major 1, Major 2, Major 3," underneath was "Minor 1, Minor 2, Minor 3" and right in the middle was a blank space with the label "College of ____"

College of what?

The lunch bell rang, and everyone in the classroom started buzzing. Rushing, grabbing backpacks, storming out of the classroom as fast as they could. Sprinting towards the chance of meeting up with their friends and thinking of what to eat. I looked at my desk, placing my homework paper in my binder before I got up and headed over to leave. 

"Good luck Anela," Mr. Porras smiles and waves at me before I get out of the class. I walked into the hallway, and everyone was in their own wavelengths. Seniors and juniors moved to their 4th-period class while we Sophomores wandered around. Some to go eat at the cafeteria or the nearby McDonalds. Some want to just spend time with their friends. 

Friends...

"Dude, I don't want to see!" 

"No, no, what if I didn't get in."

"Don't be scared."

"Rip it off like a bandaid." 

"No seas culo."  In Spanish, don't be a wuss. I looked up and saw some of my classmates heading where I was to go to the hall that connected us to the Health Magnet. I feel the ball in my throat, my hands gripping the straps of my backpack, when another group starts heading to the sister building. 

Today, I'm going to find out if I made it into the Licensed Vocational Nurse Program for my Junior year. I went through the process of getting a letter of recommendation and my current transcripts. I went to their little interview in the first semester, trying to get a bunch of professional medical teachers who have had a year to get to know my medical classmates. 

A year of my medical classmates taking AP classes, and Pre-AP biology classes. Taking an advisory class that's meant to help them understand medical terminology. While, I was giving myself fully into my theatre classes and journalism. The year of them learning the difference between type 2 diabetes and insulin retention, I was doing vocal practices to help project my voice during a play. 

"So have you checked?" I feel arms around me, hugging me from behind, and his voice so close to my neck. 

"Nope," I responded. Leo chuckles and gently tugs my arm so that I can turn to face him. He looked up at me and squeezed my hands, trying to give me some reassurance. 

"Were you waiting for me?" He teases and I give him a half a smile. 

"Maybe, my heart wants to come out of my chest," I whined when I leaned down and placed my face on his chest. Slightly bending down to accommodate our height difference. Leo still reaches out to hug me. 

"You are stressing out for nothing, I know you made it in. The teachers would be insane and stupid to not consider you." His words trying to mend my weak confidence when I shake my head. 

"I'm an Art student going up against the HP kids. I don't know why I even thought I'd have a chance. It was stupid of me." I pursed my lips and blew raspberries while Leo just combed my hair. 

"Again, you're an advanced student. You take just the same advanced classes as them, and all of your teachers love and believe in you. I believe in you."  He pulled away to look into my eyes and gave me this reassuring smile that was kind of helping. He leans in and kisses me nice and soft. His thin lips trying to capture and mold my own. A sweet reassuring kiss ending it with his signature little bite on my bottom lip that sort of hurt... but I didn't want to tell him

"Well I want to get a chance to eat lunch, so let's go see if I got in." I tell him just trying to shake my shoulders and tamper down the nervous hurdles in my stomach. Leo looks at me and gives me this strained guilty smile. Sucking his breath a bit. 

"I want to, but I have to go to lunch tutoring with Mr. Russell. He's been on my ass about not turning in my work. Mom found out..." He lets his words linger, looking a bit guilty. I bite my lip a little when he combs his medium curls off his face and pulls away. Shifting on his feet, trying to debate something, but I didn't want to get him into trouble. 

"It's fine, Leo. No quiero que se enoje tu mom," I smile trying to be understanding. Leo tilts his head at me and I give him another guilty expression. 

"I don't want your mom mad at you. Go, I'll let you know what happens... plus be there for my tears?" I reassure him and he smiles, pulling me down for another quick kiss before he grabs his guitar case. 

"It won't be tears of sadness, it will be tears of joy!" He calls out to me and goes down the hall heading for the other side of the building.

I finally start moving my legs and head towards the 400 hallway and head down towards the HP Auditorium. My legs felt heavy like lead, but I couldn't go through the entire day without knowing if Junior year was going to be different.

I get out of the main building and cross the courtyard before swerving around kids who were trying to get to the main building. I make my way toward the middle of the cold HP building, seeing the crowd of some of my Sophomore classmates. I saw some of the people that were in front of the mural wall, where a series of papers were taped up, squealing and hugging. Some were stepping away from the crowd, taking out their phones and calling immediately.

"Mom, I made it!"  "I got in," "Ma, si entre," a mixture of calling home and telling their parents about the good news. My palms were starting to get more humid when I tried to get closer to the wall with taped papers. 

"LVN," "CNA," "Dental," and "Paramedics" are all jargon of the HP programs approved list. And on the LVN list, only ten names were on that list compared to the others. In the other programs, you can see two columns of the twenty to thirty kids that were accepted for next year. My heart was thumping against my chest, trying to see, trying to just know.

All of a sudden I get bumped in the left shoulder, making me stumble back and brace myself for a moment. 

"What the?" I exhaled, confused at the sudden hit, when I saw blue eyes glaring straight at me. 

"Who the hell do you think you are?" Chris sneers at me, his body too close to me. Invading my personal space, and his words felt like knives. 

"I don't know what you're talking about?" I asked confused when Chris snickers and shakes his head. 

"I cannot' believe the balls you had to apply to our programs, you should've stayed in your own lane. Annoying ass bitch." His body jerked towards me his shoulder aiming to shove me again, but I stepped back. Isaiah, Chris' friend who was behind him, reached out to stop him. 

"Hey man, she ain't even worth it." Isaiah's tone mirrored the same disgust towards me when he glared at me. 

"Nah dude, fuck her. If she hadn't applied then you would've had a chance." Chris glared at me again but Isaiah was trying to talk to his friend. And while they were discussing whether to continue insulting me or not, I slipped into the crowd. Trying to stay away from the glares and also to confirm what they had said. Did I get in?

I finally make my way not in the front row, but close enough to see my name in bold letters next to the number 10.

10. Anela Santos 

I stand alone, looking at my name once more. My hand reached for my left shoulder, rubbing the soreness of that toned shoulder bump. My eyes allow my mind to confirm my belief... Junior year was going to be very different for me. 

"Miss Santos?" I hear that twinkling voice again, and I snap out of my internal trance and freak out. I looked at Mrs. Candelaria's little name sign and gestured with my index finger toward her business cards. 

"Can I take one? I am still unsure of where it is I want to go." The corner of my lips curved to give a polite smile to the counselor lady who was just trying to do her job. Mrs Candelaria looks at me and places her hands down on her desk. Giving me this soft look, that was tied with her now comforting tone. 

"Anela, if I may be frank. You fell down; quitting the nursing program is not going to be your downfall. The whole point of falling when you make a mistake is to put yourself together and stand up. Keep trying new things until you find what you like." She points at one of her diplomas on her right wall, "Not knowing what you want to do is part of the process, and I myself had a hard time figuring out what I wanted to do for college," she continues. 

My eyes glaze a little, only because it's the same rehearsed speech that she gave back in the Junior end-of-year presentation. This entire speech is about 'how it's common for seniors to be confused or unsure of what's to come.' But no one tells you what to do when you had a plan and it just poofed in your hands. This is already the third time me trying to figure out what my passion is... and I'm already out of time. 

"The bell is about to ring, Mrs. Candelaria, but I promise that I'll have this figured out because of the end of the semester." I grinned, showing a bit too much teeth. When I turned to grab my backpack, paper still in hand, I tried to make a polite exit from the office. My head felt full and heavy with her words lingering, but mine trumped the most against my sanity. 

"No tengo ninguna puta idea." I have no fucking clue.