Hello dizzy_bowler_books, your book was judged by Mary and I.

First impressions:

Title: It's good, represents the fanfiction but it could be a bit more interesting. You can create a title then write that its a TVD fanfic between brackets or something.
Mary's Rating: 7/10

Cover: It has your characters but there are better covers, it doesnt look like there was effort put in it. It needs to be more attractive.
Mary's Rating: 4/10

I made some covers as examples, you can use them if you like them and if you dont there are a lot of amazing graphics designers on Wattpad whom will probably be happy to help

Summary: It's good, grammar wise is still meh, but its a good summary.
Mary's Rating: 8/10

Technical Issues:

Grammar: There are some grammar mistakes

Examples:
"I protest going into..."
>I protested walking into..

"I roll my eyes and walk out"
>Rolled my eyes and walked out

" I start but was cut"
> Started but was interrupted

"I interject, nod and walk away"
> interjected, nodded and walked away

"I say down the phone"
> I say in the phone or said in the phone

"Take the bottle of Bourbon off him"
>from him

"Throw it down"
> chugged it? Or drank it feeling the sting or burning in my throat

"I say getting her hand"
> I said taking or holding her hand

"I practically shout at him"
> I shouted or if you want to use practically say practically shouted

"Guessing date didnt go to plan"
>Guess the date didnt go as planned

"The girl we fed on says"
>The girl we were feeding on said or said the girl we were feeding on

"Come to any close stephen"
>Come any closer

"So I'll feed, I'll kill,..."
>So I'd feed, I'd kill,...

These are just examples but there are more.

Spelling: Not many spelling mistakes really
Mary's Rating: 9/10

Punctuation: You use way too many full stops, try using commas instead. . Smart the ending of the sentence and you just break the same sentence into pieces which is not right.
Mary's Rating: 6/10

Examples:
"She's not a that bad mom. Just mistreated"
>Remove the "a" before that and add a comma before just mistreated
"Valery. For me. After you can.."
>Valery, for me, after you.."

More technical issues:
🌟 The transitions from a place to another is not clear. It's like she jumps from somewhere to another.
🌟 The chapter lacks organisation. It's confusing, you feel like a lot is happening and they're just thrown there.
🌟 The dialogue is unclear and they're all compressed together

Characters: Alright so, the idea of a girl Salvatore is really good actually I will give you that, but i feel like i need to see through her, what she feels, what she thinks not only her facial reactions. In my opinion, I think i need to be able to root for her or hate her or relate to her, if you know what i mean.
I like that all the characters have the same personalities from the show.
Mary's Rating: 7/10

Conflict: Aside from the conflict with Stefan and stuff, I feel like I want to see her internal conflict. For example, Damon, he's evil but still has someone good inside him. I want to see that conflict in her.
Mary's Rating: 1/10

Pace: Its a good pace, in my opinion. Not too fast but not too slow either.
Mary's Rating: 7/10

Emotions: The first chapter when she was compelling the guy and bit into his neck, it could've been explained more, senses wise, the smell of the blood, the feeling of the blood as she swallows it, how she feels inside, etc.
Mary's Rating: 9/10

Chapter Endings: They were interesting to me.
HOWEVER, Mary's Rating: 4/10

My Suggestions:

-Use 'Grammarly' to help with the grammar and the spelling
-You're writing a book, so you can't call the chapters "episodes"
-I suggest you seperate the dialogue, and say who's talking.
-I suggest you show her feelings.
-Use senses- Smell, Taste, Sight, touch and hearing, because they show a lot of emotions and details that would be very suitable for your story.
-I finally suggest not using a lot of full stops and more commas or semicolons.

Mary's suggestions:

-So many characters were introduced all at once you get confused who was who.

-The setting was not clear, try to say they're walking, don't just show them some place else or it will get confusing.

-Your chapters are too long. Readers usually lose interest if they get too long, so you may want to split some of them in half.

-Show don't tell that a writer who can show the reader what is happening takes the reader to his world and they are no longer reading, they're watching. https://jerryjenkins.com/show-dont-tell

-When you switch inbetween storylines, you should put this to signal you're switching
"**" or a straight line

-You start a lot of sentences with I but you may want to try and reword some make it seem a bit more poetic

-Use words, no pictures

-Ok is spelled "okay"