AUTHOR: @alldreamedup

REVIEWER: twentyharmony

Hello, @alldreamedup. Hope your day is going well. Here's the review you requested for your book Where Demons Don't Hide. I apologize for the late delivery, it could've been written and sent a lot earlier, but unfortunately this week has been an utter mess for me. Unfortunately, I had to cut this review short and read 5 chapters.

This feedback review will be divided into two main sections, "First Impression", where I offer some line-by-line comments/edits, and "General Impression", the main body of this feedback wherein I recount and critique the elements of your story, your strengths and weaknesses. I read your book twice times, once before writing this review and second while writing this review.

Please understand that none of my comments are personal nor are they intended to be, as "raw" as they get. I do tend to focus mostly on highlighting the issues in a story so that writers can understand what to fix.

Alright, let's begin.

⊙ First Impression:

♧ prologue |
• There was only a roaring silence in my chest.*
** Does silence roar? **

• *Nothing. No thing. Noting.*
**The other two "nothings" are redundant. I got the picture at the first Nothing.**

• *Now the snatches of whispered l was my only light in the dark.*
**Think you dropped a word there.**

• *I remember when I was studying Shakespeare and we were told that noting was pronounced like Nothing, meaning gossip, ovehearing and rumours.*
**"Here's a random piece of info that doesn't relate to the story or serve any point here but, it's a really cool fact and also I study Shakespeare. Btw, if I had done something Corona would still be alive."**

• *If I hadn't taken a back seat, if I hadn't pushed and pushed her to tell me...*
**Despite the line before, this here makes me curious. Why did Kieran push her to talk and what did Corona know? **

• *It felt like something had been carved out of my chest.*
**I like this expression. So dramatic though.**

♧ the coffee shop |
• *She was everywhere. My clothes smelled of her. The girl at the coffee shop dressed like her. A man at the bookstore had glared at me with nearly an equal ferocity as Corona would've done. A couple in the park were laughing like we used to. Two boys were fighting with her anger and persistence.*
**I love the way this paragraph delivers the protagonist's sentiments.**

• *"What do you mean?" I demanded, suddenly angry. "She's gone. She's dead. She's never coming back."*
**One advice I was given when I started writing early on was to limit my use of adverbs when describing, especially the word 'suddenly'. And instead of using adjectives like "angry" and "suspicious", you describe their actions and behaviour. Consider something this:**
**Kieran slams his fist against the table. "What do you mean?" He demands, "She's dead!" / you get the point.**

• *And yet, despite the normality about it, there was something was otherworldly about him.*
**Really? How? I'm not getting that vibe. The only strange thing about him is that he smells of chocolate and burning wood (huh?). Other than that he's literally just smiling.**

• *As weird as he was, I liked him.*
**Why? He's literally done or said nothing remarkable. **

• *"Do you have a last name?"* / *"I went by mother's maiden name Morgan.*
**The fact that the protagonist is still entertaining such a nosey stranger is beyond me. He literally sits down to pay his condolences (protagonist doesn't even know him), is asking if Protagonist believes in God, and then asks for his last name. But of course there's absolutely nothing creepy or questionable about any of that because Sebastian is a main character.**

♧ the dying angel
• *....pearly white gown that glowed with beautiful sadness.*
**How does a gown glow with sadness? And can sadness be ugly and beautiful?**

• *the otherworldy aura of him*
**If I come across this one more time--**

♧ the galaxy

• *"The page was assassinated by a group of demons during message delivery."*
**The kid who was playing an X-box? on the bus?**

♧ social standing

• *...pages wore round fish tanks over their heads to provide them with oxygen.*
**Bizarre to think that angels can die and breathe like us organic beings. The traditional idea is that they're 'made of light' (thus self-sufficient), making them superior to organic beings... butttt I don't rk about greek mythology-- I mean, I'm just saying.**

• *I tasted the word on my tongue.*
**Do words have tastes?**

⊙General Impression:

♧ Overview:

I have to be honest first: Fantasy is not exactly in my top fave, go-to genres. It was never a genre that intrigued me the way others do and I never could quite get into it. It just never was for me, so I'm just letting you know ahead of the little bit of bias that I may have. That being said, I did try to be as impartial as I can be to provide you with just the feedback that you need to improve your story. I'll be as technical and specific as possible with issues.

Let's start with **the concept**: in short, the story revolves around heart-broken, crestfallen Kieran who had just tragically lost the love his life, Corona. When he soon makes the striking discovery that he's a God, bringing back Corona becomes more than just a hopeless desire from his grief. We also have Iden, a rejected striving God, with the similar ambition of saving his lover, Hana. The two meet, they bond, become real good friends-- and then there's only one space left for a new God in the Council that presumably have to compete or fight with each other for.

The concept is good. There's great potential for things to go wrong here, and that's what makes it exciting. Per the summary, Kieran embarks on a journey to the edges of the universe, competes with a newly formed friend to get that god spot in the council so he can save his love, but only to end up falling in love with someone else. If I've learned anything about writing is that a strong, polarizing conflict makes the entire premise of the story more exciting. I liked the summary because it defined the conflict, and the conflict had me intrigued.

As exciting the premise is and the potential that it has, **the storyline** however does contain some issues that impede its flow. I was not captivated by the story-telling. The lack of effective hooks has made it very difficult for me to want to read or turn the pages. I'll specify why this was the case shortly.

IMO, one of the drawbacks to the story is characterization. Your characters are not interesting-- they don't say anything that catches attention, or do or behave in ways that are intriguing. Your protagonist, Kieran, is quite the bore. For nearly 4 chapters (excluding the prologue) virtually all of his dialogue responses are questions. He barely makes any jokes, barely comments on anything, barely does anything, barely shows ANY kind of attitude or intellect. Barely shows any resentment or happiness. Just questions. What's this, what's that, why, how. His internal thoughts don't count: readers are supposed to know what kind of person a character is through their actions, reactions, tone and responses. Their behaviour and attitude. Kieran has no charisma whatsoever. Sebastian and Rees are a little more likeable, having showed some shreds of characterization, like Rees making a dramatic pose and Seb wriggling his fingers at the sight of beer. But interactions and exchanges on the whole in the book are DULL: Seb and Kieran's conversation felt like it was some FAQ section out of Help Center page. I have absolutely no idea what kind of person Kieran is. That being said, I did find the information Seb was relaying to Kieran's endless questions intriguing: the hierarchy of Gods-- how you can't blink when looking at the most noble gods or you'll be punished for instance, how some gods have trouble reproducing, and many more-- these details do show how just the kind of world Kieran's getting into.

While **the writing style** was good, **the description** could use lots and lots of work. First it is not vivid, which was a great disappointment for a Fantasy novel. **Settings** like the bus, the Court of the Galaxy and even the coffee shop were not described in a way that invoked imagination-- there was not much imagery delivered effectively by the description. In fact, there were a number of times that the description got pretty awkward and non-sensical, refer to first impression for examples.

I'm not sure what to say about **the pace** from just 5 chapters, but I think it'd be safer to say the story seems to be progressing at an OK pace. Despite the one scene length chapters, I can't exactly say that the story is completely void of interesting developments. The dying angel on the bus could be a great and curious hook if it's set up and written right, and His Solitary requesting Kieran's presence makes me want to wait to turn the page to know how that meeting will turn out. Unfortunately, after 5 chapters I feel like the entire experience will be shortened to questions and answers.

♧ Some Chapter Impressions:

Below are my impressions of every chapter.

• The prologue: The prologue is extremely vague. I learned very little info from it and I'm not left imagining how the actual story might unfold. Here is why I think that is: *so much emphasis* is put on Corona's death and the protagonist's mourning and internal thoughts, and little information is given about the actual event the setting, the time period, how Corona died (bullet? vampire attack?), why, etc. Where's *that* story? We're told what the protagnist had felt and thought, (and other arbitrary info like him leaving English Classics class for some reason), but the events in and of themselves are not described. By the way, I don't even know *why* I should care for Corona. Who the heck is she? Why should I care she died? I wish I was showed instead of being told by the protagonist.

• The Coffee Shop: First chapters are important. For readers, they are a gateway to the exciting universe they're about to explore. For wattpad authors, they pose the next and greatest challenge after winning the browser's Click from among dozens of other books. The problem with The Coffee Shop as a first chapter is that the entire thing felt like a filler chapter, not a first chapter. Nothing had caught my attention-- it lacked that impact it was supposed to have on me. Here are a couple of reasons why: first, the dialogue and scene were lame. The exchange didn't excite me, make me curious about the characters or the topic. Second, characterization. The introduction of Sebastian as a character was also extremely lame. The protagonist kept saying he had quite the 'otherworldly' or special aura around him but I didn't feel that at all. There was nothing that he did or said that made me feel any particular way about Sebastian. He had such a weak impression as a character that even when he snapped Hawaii into existence it wasn't nearly impressive enough. Third, I think the way Kieran learns that he's a God has got to be the most uninteresting way a God could ever learn they're a God. In a coffee shop? Told by a stranger who has been stalking him? Also, wouldn't he, a god, know that he's a god? I get that he may not have met his father but I'd imagine he must've noticed that he has some obvious, epic, super human powers or abilities or unusual experiences. He's a GOD, how can he not know?

• The Dying Angel: This chapter was confusing. A kid playing an x box on the bus? Is Kieran on Earth at all? How's he all of a sudden seeing paranormal beings? The chapter was one scene long, and Kieran seems to have a knack for narrating his internal thoughts about situations extensively but not describing the actual experiences nearly enough. And I don't know how to feel about that. The chapter did have some interesting development-- *something* strange happened, something that could generate interest and curiosity if written well. But the problems preventing that are that description gets confusing and the setting is barely ever developed.

• The Galaxy: once again, a one-scene long, almost a filler chapter. This chapter is mostly an info dump in the form of dialogue. Kieran barely ever shows his character or comments on things. Virtually all his dialogue is questions. What's this, what's that, where's this, blah blah. Can he make non question comments? Show a bit of wits perhaps? I feel like I'm just reading a FAQ section.

• Social Standing: Another major info dump in the form of dialogue. Kieran's dialogue is just Q after Q after Q. Barely says anything more creative. Kieran and Seb are barely even knowing anything about each other at all. It's just a Q&A session. And quite frankly it's boring. You don't have to relay every piece of info in the dialogue. In fact it'd be more interesting if the protagnist is put in situations where he discovers some of these things himself. It'd be more interesting to encounter a fiesty God and run for their life over a small misunderstanding for instance instead of being told so-and-so is angry with a short temperament for examplr. The setting is also so poorly developed for a Fantasy. This is some greek mythology stuff, right? Some Utopian shit. I'm gonna need more than just "clean, light-coloured, beautiful, and purely naturalistic" to imagine the Court of the Galaxy. The name sounds so badass. I want some juicey details, and you need to deliver the vision of your world through your writing.

♧ Recommendations:

The main issues I've encountered in this book were characterization, description and setting. Here just a few humble recommendations based on my impressions. You are the author of course and can decide whether or not to take them.

• A prologue is supposed to present some background information and lay events which may not be a primary feature in the main storyline, but will pave the way for it. The purpose of a prologue generally is to establish these *background* information or events that give birth to the circumstances that will characterize the plotline, usually *years and years* later. The 'prologue' in your story is not really a prologue by definition. The first chapter takes place literally three days later. So instead, it is essentially the protagonist whinning about some Corona that the reader has no connection with whatsoever. Unless Corona was introduced obliquely in a proper way, through a flashback memory perhaps or some situation, no one will give two fucks about her and Kieran. I'd recommend to expand that chapter more thoroughly.

• Successful characterization makes readers not only connect with the characters but believe they are real. Instead of describing what people are like show what they're like, through their actions and comments. If a character ihas a hot temper, they'll get mad at little things. If they're pessimistic, they'll always complain about things being hopeless. If they're heroic, they'll always defy and lead when necessary. If they're witty, they make lots of sarcastic comments. What personality traits does Kieran have? What about habits, fears, emotions, etc etc? And how does him having those traits affect the way he interacts with Seb, Rees, other characters and situations?

• I like your writing style, you've got a writing voice which is great! It's still up for lots of development, which is bound to happen through time if you continue writing and reading. But your description could use the work. I'd recommend reading up on some 'sensory description' tips.

And that's the end of the review. Thanks for letting me read your work, and I apologize once more for only being able to read 5 chapters. I wrote the review before you updated the 6th and 7th and after that I couldn't find more time to read again.

If you have anymore inquiries and comments, you can comment down below or send me a PM. Good luck.