Originality: 9/10

Spelling and Grammar: 9/10

Character Development: 10/10

Overall Quality: 9/10

Opinion:

It was pretty good so far. I usually don't read these types of stories, but I thought it was good so far.

I enjoyed how you made the story from the perspective of Mia rather than in third person. It made me feel like I was in her head experiencing what she was feeling rather than being on the outskirts. I felt this helped developed her character better. I also enjoyed the interaction between her and her father. It gave them both more life. (If you know what I mean here. I'm a bit confusing.)

Now for the spelling and grammar, I did notice mistakes.

The first mistake I noticed was run-on sentences:

So, what is a run-on sentence? It is when you combine two complete sentences with just a fanboy or a coordinate conjunction.

How do I fix it? Easy! There are three ways that you can: a comma before the fanboy, a period, or a semi-colon.

Here's an example of a before and after:

I went with Jimmy to the store and we bought milk.

to

I went with Jimmy to the store, and we bought milk.

or

I went with Jimmy to the store. We bought milk.

or

I went with Jimmy to the store; We bought milk.

Those are the ways you can fix them. And a way that can help you find run-ons is by asking yourself, "Are these two complete sentences? Did I just separate them with a fanboy?"

The next issue I found was a comma splice. A comma splice is a bit different from a run-on. Rather than separating two sentences with a fanboy, you separate them with only a comma. Here's an example:

The sentence, "Don't mind him," and, "I got enough dirt on him to spare us time," are both complete sentences. The comma in between them is what causes the grammatical issue.

What can I do to fix this mistake? Well, you could use the three tactics that we used to fix the run-on.

Here's an example:

Don't mind him; I got enough dirt on him to spare us time.

The next issue wasn't really a grammatical issue or a spelling problem, but it was just confusing (for me):

For this one, I will just give a recommendation where it isn't a need for you to change, but it's just what I think might help it a bit.

"I stopped going to late-night adventures, binge-watching my favorite shows, trying to attract my crushes, and keeping up with my fake friends."

All of these sentences have one thing in common: the -ing verb. Since it is what she is "doing," you can combine them with commas that don't need an "and" after every one of them. You just need one and after the very last comma.

However, if it had a noun in it, for example:

I stopped going to late-night adventures, hanging out with friends, and a car was at my house.

This sentence would be grammatically incorrect, and it doesn't make sense at all.

So as long as it contains all verbs or all nouns, you can save the "and" for the last comma.

Another recommendation I have is for this one:

For the last quote and the words after the quote, I would recommend, maybe, writing it in a similar way to this:

"Okay. I believe you." I knew he didn't [believe me].

I think it is better to have "knew" to show that she knew her dad well. To me, and this is just my opinion, when you wrote "he doesn't," it feels more like a third person's point of view than from Mia's point of view.

[Remember that this is just what I think, others may tell me that I am completely wrong and that the way how you wrote it could also be from Mia's point of view, but I am just expressing my opinion. If you feel that I am wrong, then that's okay! I am not forcing you to change it, neither should you feel obligated to change it. Just remember that. :>]

Now for another thing I recommend is that I think maybe you should put in parentheses what they are saying in Portuguese:

As a person who doesn't know a lick of Portuguese, I have no clue what they are saying. I was kind of lost. (;-;)

Just a suggestion though.

And lastly, another issue I had was with this:

I noticed some quotes you had had a space in between the quotation and the first word. It isn't that bad of an issue since it wasn't all of them, so I didn't deduct that many points off for that.

All in all, it was good. :>

Please read the story by s00gifted

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And yes I am still on a hiatus working on my stories and a project with another person.