So the explanation for everything in the past few chapters. Well, the last week really hasn't been my best. The same applies to this entire summer, but that's not exactly the point.

To summarise what I'm about to say, it's that I need to pull myself together for everybody around me. I can't afford to cause anymore stress for my parents.  I can't afford to be the same melancholic, distant friend I was last year. The last thing I want to end up doing this year is to die by my own hands.

Basically, what does this mean? I realised I need to do better at opening up because if I keep repeating the cycle of keeping my emotions bottled up until they explode, my mental health will only get worse. Last time my bottle exploded, I cried for about ten minutes and it was over. This time, today when they exploded, I was crying for about thirty minutes or so. I couldn't breathe and I was inhaling my tears. But after gaining support from amedots , ShadowKatana , joponki , and Mint_Bunnies I felt better. And I really gotta thank you guys so much, especially ShadowKatana and joponki .

Why did that happen? Well, emotional constipation is one thing. Another factor is I'm trying my best to complete my summer homework before school starts, which is Thursday next week and it's been pretty hectic since I can't focus often. Then there's also my brother constantly mocking and teasing me about my summer homework, weight, intelligence, etc. While this happens fairly often, it just got to me really bad recently. Then there's depression and anxiety (but that's a topic for another day).

The last thing that was the main release for the breakdown is the sudden realisation of how fast time is passing by. How everybody is changing so quickly and I just feel like I'm hanging in the back a bit like a dusty, cast away toy. I'm pretty certain I never told a majority of you about this, but one thing that I sometimes dislike is change. Change in routine, change in people, changes in attitude, etc. I'm usually fine with changes if it's improvement. Anyway, as I was saying,

I don't like change all that much. I cherish the past and traditions often. The past seemed a lot more peaceful... But it doesn't do anything to keep on dwelling on what I have done. I need to continue moving, stop remembering my regrets. Stop constantly worrying about losing people around me and just enjoy them as much as possible. Stop reminiscing the past because I'll always be hurt if I look back. It's time that I looked forward.

I keep thinking that a fresh start would be nice sometimes, but I ultimately think that it wouldn't be a good idea. To have a fresh start is to leave all the growth and progress I made behind. To abandon my origins, in a way. If you know me well enough, then you know that I like keeping everything about me so people know what I've been through and how I continued on. However, I realise it's different for every person. Sometimes, somebody truly does need a fresh start, depending on their circumstances. As much as I know though, I am in no need for one.

Will I ever be able to get out of the Hetalia fandom? Meh, probably not, however I mainly just drifted around with a strong interest, roleplayed, made fanart, and fanfiction (still doing that today). But I refuse to let go because it always is special to me. I have lots of great memories and made amazing friends. So I'm going to keep living them as I participate in other fandoms as well (Undertale, Boku no Hero Academia, Pokemon, etc.).

Perhaps this is the beginning of a more open "me". Here and with the people close to me. To make it up to all the people I've failed, in a way. I'm not saying that I'll always tell my true feelings, since it's very difficult for me to do so. I do promise to do my best to make it.

No more breaking promises. No more bottling up to the point I feel miserable and suicidal. Starting today, I'll start standing up for myself more and pull myself out of the hole. Slowly, but it'll be worth it in the end.

By the way, you know you can always talk to me when you're feeling down or something along the lines of that. I'm not that good at it, but I'll do my best.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and have a pleasant night/day!