Can't sleep cause I watched too much paranormal shows so might as well distract with something new that happened to me yesterday. So I do online school for the quarantine and will probably be forced to stay like this again now that our numbers are spiking up... only problem I have is that there's one fucking art class, one! And that's all I was gonna do for electives this year since it would look good for an art college, now I'm stuck with study hall, photo which pertains to nothing of the skills I want/need to practice,and fucking accounting... I didn't want to do math since I didn't need it,but I didn't want to do child development cause I hate children and always have. I'd never be a good parent, my first desire is to punt the little demons... and babies? Not a single motherly instinct, not one, just instincts to have panic attacks and keeping them away from whatever will make me at fault for their being. I didn't even naturally have that last one, I was forced into that by being forced to babysit.
Anyways, I can do simple math sure, that's as advance as the math gets in the class but its the language that's different... the reasonings, the fact that you have to stop looking at the big picture and look through a microscope that makes it so difficult. I'll think I understand and then all of a sudden I barely can. Even though I don't need the class or the grade I'm stupidly feeling compelled to try hard at it, probably cause I want my own small business, but since both of my parents know accounting why should I be so worried? They already know I can't even read a fuckin ruler for the life of me... seriously though, I gotta measure five times and still have a 50/50 chance of fuckin it up...
Still, I decided to ask my mom for help and planned on biting my cheek if I knew I'd possibly be lectured about one sentence she's managed to repeat in different ways.

That didn't happen...
I was getting really frustrated cause I was being taught a different way with different ways to answer compared to her way, mainly cause she was looking at it like a bank and in the real world while we were being spoon fed important details about a single owner business because we're starting to learn (I.e when a problem said Jimmy paid cash for supplies we were given a section called cash so we know he took cash from the cash section. But in the real world although he should've taken it from cash he could've paid out of pocket or something, meaning we could label it wrong.) I kept telling her I didn't understand and wanted to stop because we were starting to get heated, she still continued... so much so that she got rude and bitchy; screaming at me, drowning out my voice, clapping in my face. It was when she screamed at me with that yell parents give you when your in trouble that I broke... I was already on the verge of tears out of frustration and now she activated my trauma response...

I... I didn't know what to do... I hadn't felt that fear and desperate need to run away and hide in years... all I could do was to tell her to stop, that I had to have a break, the conversation had to end no matter what point she was trying to show me... and then she blocked me from leaving, I'm not saying it was on purpose because it wasn't, she thought I was gonna leave out of anger. But that's what broke me completely... I covered my face, leaned as far as I could away and was a sobbing mess, I was wailing, I've never made noises crying that's how scary this was to me... I could barely talk, I was so scared an then even more so cause I'm crying so hard in front of someone... I can't even hear her anymore, just ringing in my ears and my mind rushing in wanting and actually running to hide in my room and trying to calm me down... I couldn't stop crying for the next half-hour that we both spend in my room calming down and me explaining what happened to her since she wouldn't have understood why she made me like that.
In the end she had apologized and we both agreed to not ask for help like that again. But... it's still scary and sad to me... I had felt I was finally healed after all those years and now I learned that I'll probably always have that trauma response that could be triggered at any time and by who knows... sure I'm fine now and after that whole thing... but I don't wanna feel that response, that fear again...