I don't know why but tonight my mind decided to remember a lot of trauma I had growing up and the thing is, even though I remember so much so vividly right down to the smells, the cold counter tops, even sometimes the shirts I was wearing, I don't think I remember more than a quarter of my childhood because maybe my mind's just protecting me from all I've experienced. Because it was always the same reasons. I'd be doing what I was told to do, mom comes home and belittles me about everything I hadn't got to yet cause I was busy with the bigger parts of the chores right in front of her. And its not like a oh you probably forgot this again like annoying kids do. No, it was straight up screaming at me telling me how worthless of a human being, not even as a child, I was for hours on end. She said right to my face that I could never do anything to support society and that I could never get a job if this was how I worked.
It didn't help that I was just a child or those years of moving to a new house, learning what death really meant cause my dog died and that was my first pet ever that I loved so much (it still hurts to remember him and it's been almost ten years now...I still cry over him if I think about him) and new school because I somehow passed elementary without once turning in any homework for three years straight because of this constant problem and my teachers screaming at me too in front of the class, shaming me and others rather than talking to me in private and asking what was wrong. And bullied by students too but that was different cause I'd come home crying and my grandma and mother were very scary and threatening in order to get me to explain the bullying. Seriously, no one ever understands that I was threatened by punishments into standing up for myself, yet it oddly enough made me have a back bone to tell someone to fuck off if they needed it, of course, later on in life as a teen though.
Thankfully my mothers changed and I hope she never becomes what she was then, what I find weirder is that she's been realizing what she's done to not only me but my brother, her family, and coworkers too. It felt... weird... the day she talked about it. She talked about it as if she finally read my mind, she felt the same way I did and how much it hurt me. It... disturbed me that for once... she looked at the world through someone elses eyes rather than forcing every puzzle piece together because everything has to connect and be linear.
Thinking on these things made me realize tonight that... the way I am to people is because of all of this... I worry over the slightest mood shifts, the smallest words and what they could all mean. That when someone doesn't tell me a reason for being gone that they're just cutting ties with me.showing them things I've done just to get little congrats or being proud because I was never before told about what I accomplished but rather what I failed.
I feel awful for being so dependant on my friends... cause they were the only reasons I never gave into my own suicidal thoughts. Knowing I wasn't the only one with problems made me feel less alone. And being able to talk to them makes all those thoughts, these wants to cry, go away deep to the back of my head...
I don't want to be a burden to them... I don't want to sound like I'm toxic or needy... it is simple tiny things I as a person shouldn't worry about... but I don't know how to not be so insecure... I try hard to hold these thoughts and actions back, but I only know how I feel, I don't know how someone's gonna take it and I'm scared of it going that wrong path...