I don't think I've ever talked about this to anyone honestly, maybe one friend but I can't recall... I probably really should tell my doctor, but my mom never fucking believes anything I say about my health. She'll probably just say it's not even as bad as I experience and that she's had worse or that I'm not like someone who suffers and I should stop trying to fix myself.
I'm not gonna rant about that now, cause I'm so close to breaking down right now.
I've always been paranoid, most specifically at night. I feel like someone is watching right around the corner, I have to have my back against the wall and if I don't I gotta be as quick as I can or something is gonna attack me. If I go downstairs or to the bathroom I will spend 15 minutes at least, looking through the front door and the kitchen and dinning room's windows to find someone, anyone, any car or animal. I freeze when I see any shadow along the walls or floor. I have to sleep clung to the wall cause I just know someone's gonna stab me and I have to have the entrance close to view but not in view cause then I worry about the door opening or shadows passing on the floor. I can't have my neck uncovered, I must always have a blanket or stuffed animal dedicated solely to covering it. I can't even have a pitch black room, I need a nightlight cause I see fucking figures all over my room watching me sleep and even the night light shines a fucking face on the ceiling...
But I'm used to these daily heart attacks, I have grown to sleep somewhat decently. However tonight is insanely different, it's something I've never experienced before. I honestly don't know why but I'm on the edge tonight-er morning now I suppose. My skin is crawling, I wanna rip it off, I'm hearing all sorts of noises, hushed voices, footsteps, I think even tapping at one point but I'm not sure if it was from the sleep aid video I was trying to clam myself with. I'm seeing figures everywhere, I can't even close my eyes without a creepy face watching me, I even caught a face watching me and notice being caught while reaching for my phone which rarely happens, especially at night. It's not like I was having sleep paralysis, cause I've yet to relax enough to go to sleep.
I may have had scarier nights but I've never been this paranoid or freaked out by my paranoia before. I mean, I have always heard noises no one else has, and seen things run by or notice that I've discovered them staring and they duck away, but that's like... I don't know, maybe a once a week kinda thing? I keep planning on recording those experiences but I always forget, so I honestly don't know how frequent it happens, but it has never happened so much in the past three and a half hours or bring me to absolute tears and questioning how sane I really am.
I mean... I was never this afraid as a kid, the only thing that troubled my sleep then was not being able to shut off my thoughts. Why am I like this now? I mean, my God, I'm fucking 18 and painfully crying in a corner, freezing in pure fear whenever the highway makes a different noise or the house shifts because I'm so freaked out... what is happening to me?