I don't know how or when it all started but I've always have these thoughts in the back of my head that like to peek around time to time. The hardest thing is that they won't go anyway, never. They come back harder each time I brush them away. And then... they become a gut feeling... like they were right all along... like, all my friends haven't really been talking to me recently unless I engage sone sort of conversation... but... it dies out and I'm the only one really talking... I don't get it, am I too much, too boring, annoying? They seem to be doing fine, they're chatting, smiling, doing whatever. Am I thinking too much? Did I make things awkward somehow? Why can't I get anything out of them? Am I trying to be the center of attention, I don't want to be...
It's so hard to ignore it, especially when they're about others, cause I can't move past it like any of my fuck ups, I can't tell what they're thinking, only what they tell me. So then I end up reading too deep into everything... being left on read, sometimes even for hours, they're body language, the way they look and talk to me, even checking my phone to see if they're active so I'm not sending texts when they're busy. I get it, getting texts then can be annoying.
Am I just crazy? I feel like it... if I talk about these thoughts everyone pushes it off like it's not true. Like they don't exist. That I'm imagining everything. Yeah, hopefully I am on some of it... I hope... but these thoughts. These bodily voices that just, consume me some days, a lot of days... why do they feel so real?
Why do I have to cry over them? Believe them? Why is the proof so strong in both directions?
Why can't I just be normal?... whatever it is, it can't possibly feel like this...