Don't really have much big sad stuff thankfully but I can't stop thinking so I'm just gonna write it out. I have a lot of characters, like a lot. And I've tried to write about them but there's just something about the whole process that just... idk but it irritates me and I simply can't focus on it long enough, but somehow rp is so fun for me (despite feelin like I've marry sued a lot... but I definitely have been trying to do better.) I can't live without these worlds, literally, they're my happy places and apparently this type of daydreaming is an actual thing people can have through problems like adhd or trauma. Anyways I just can't stop thinking about them, about their stories, and making their personalities fitting and unique. Just yesterday I somewhat stopped obsessing over one named Staller but instead of a break I just jumped to one named Salzavar. And now I'm in a corner in the dark plotting past romance drama with hum and who he loathes while suppressing the desire to dump the whole thing on here because I have almost no control of what to keep in my brain and I haven't been able to use any character in what feels like centuries. I've also had coffee really late at night, I'm soon to regret it...
Low-key though... I really miss the days were I could rp for hours, even if I regret a lot of marry sue things I've done back then I just wish I had that time back but with what I know now. As if it would change how attached I am to them even now.
I guess this sounds really weird to be this attached to something made up, it probably sounds like I'm using my friend too even though I'm not. I just... these characters are me, I've never expressed myself to someone as much as I have using these characters. They are my thoughts, my feelings in ways I can't describe like a normal person can. I've been so open about my own self with them that talking about myself without them just feels selfish and not myself...
I guess that's why it's so hard for me to be used to barely using them, to the point of doubting if I'll use them again. Because of them being me, so being unable to talk as much makes me feel that I'm no longer interesting? (not that I'm mad or blaming anyone, these are simply my feelings and no relation towards my friend) Idk... this is taking a darker emotional turn on me than I expected, I regret that coffee now... it's allowing me to think too much, I went from simping to painfully crying when really I should've been asleep cause I got late thanksgiving with my grandma in the morning. Which I'm also still not over covid taking away the only times I get to feel like part of a family, last two easters we're ruined, my 4th of July, fuckin Halloween! The only thing I got to do then was walk around the mall as a plague doctor and that was hard because I had little vision in that mask an I ain't fuckin built for small halls full of easy to bump shelves. An now I don't getta have all sorts of pies and cookies while listening to drama and drunk jokes after taste testing grandpas alcohol cabinet (not me btw). Idk what I'll feel if Christmas gets cancelled but I know I'll somehow feel like I've been stabbed to death once again.