I feel like what I'm doing right now is wrong... but honestly? Fuck it. I feel that way all the time when I talk about myself. I have to get it all out sometimes, I don't care if no one reads my things, I haven't really posted here since I had ambition. But now getting all these thoughts out for once feels... kinda good? Even though half of this I'm just spitting out whatevers on my mind the moment I feel like I should write.
Ever just get an anxiety attack out of the blue? I hate them so much... it's hard enough trying to get people to understand something's wrong with my body and now I have to deal with an attack too? If I move certain joints somehow too much I get a shot of pain, feels like I broke a bone pain too, can't walk on it for a solid 15 minutes and still can't get that casually checked out. Things changed in the body systems a long while ago, keep tellin everytime that what happens isn't what's happened before the random change. Months later I finally get my mom to try to make a doctors appointment. But random anxiety attacks? Who's even heard of them? No one believes I got them until they see me have one. It's the only reason why I learned I have them in the first place. Where I live we had one of the dump yards catch fire, a good few years ago, took I think 2 weeks for the fires to go down. Miles and miles away from us but all that time the whole city was stuck in awful trash smoke. For some reason going to school in that smoke is what triggered a really bad attack, I couldn't work, couldn't think, could barely stand without shaking like a twig. But I went on, I already was getting sick too many days, I couldn't afford to miss more unless I could give the school doctors notes or the nurse sent me home. Thankfully she did that day, but she was just as concerned as me, which also thankfully made my parents drive me to the doctors. Still on the same medication they gave me that day, it's not bad since I can only use it when an attack is coming but it's still the worst...
I have to have an anxiety attack in order to take it, so not only do I have to decide when to take it, but I have to go through the pains of an attack, and despise the meds themselves. I don't mind the sleepiness, it makes a lot of sense. What I hate is that I don't feel like I'm me. My mind is clouded, shut off from me, my skin feels like its a layer of sweaters (that's the easiest way I can think of describing it,) and the worse part is that I can still feel the actual attack still raging through my body, I'm just numbed away from myself until I pass out from the drowsiness. That scares me the most. I struggle enough trying to accept myself for who I really am since my parents made me feel like a worthless human being for what, five years of important growing? Yeah... still hurts to think about...
Being pulled away from myself like that... again... just thinking about it makes me want to break down in tears. I hate feeling like nothing, I hate not being able to change anything about my body. I wish I could make these things stop, but, if it was that easy why would so many people have the same problems? I wish I had someone to hug and just say it's okay to be like this... someone who won't always try to rule things out and actually help. Guess I know where I learned that from now too... Am I that shitty friend?... I hope not...