I've probably talked about this before but a lot of nights I just get depressed for no reason. Today's kinda one of those days... I just... I don't know... I really don't know how to feel or what to say but I wanna write about something. Can't really go to bed cause I'm an idiot who's lactose intolerant yet ate mac an cheese for the past three days, my stomachs really fucked up. I wanna talk but everyone's probably asleep... I hate these times... they're always around when no ones there if I finally had the courage to tell them about it.. it makes me feel... empty... so alone... I'm just left in my dark room with nothing but my thoughts and the monsters that I see everywhere. I swear I'm schizophrenic or something really close to it. My mom of course doesn't believe me... "they're just imagination, don't let it become a thing." Yeah, years of seeing things run across rooms and hallways, eyes or long human like things staring at me in the darkness, even fucking loud whispers or talking in my ears when theres no possible answer as to why is just my mind wondering off even though I feel focused as regular. I'll wave hearing footsteps above me or creaking since the house is pretty old and shift constantly, but how in the fuck does a house whisper yell in one of your ears?

But really though, ranting aside, I wanna do something, talk to someone, just make these thoughts and wanting to cry go away. I hate it all, I'd rather never know the feeling of it. I've always hated it, my thoughts I could care less about at this point, they're just my insucrities and unstableness from living in an unstable house. But crying? I'd rather jump into lava. I hate it so much! if it was normal like everyone elses I wouldn't mind just crying the pain away every night but of fucking course it's not. It hurts, so bad, like my head's gonna explode and my eyes will just pop. I can't explain the stinging pain any better or clearer than that. and all the people I've told that become concerned and I also don't much like that, mainly I feel pitied...

Even still, I wanna do more on this than write on this book, it helps but I wanna interact with people instead of sharing my feelings on some shit that no one reads... but other than being bad at writing all I got left is drawing, both I'm bad at deadlines with. I don't know if anyone would really want to see a book about my art though... no one really looks at my stuff since I've stopped writing way back... which also means no one here's really gonna tell me how they feel about that either... which I'm kinda glad for cause I'm incecure like that but don't we all enjoy that praise and pleasing people too? at least... maybe I do too much...