I did something a couple of days ago and I still can't feel different about it.
I made my brother cry.
I feel so strange about it... at first I felt bad but now... it sits right and wrong inside my head at the same time... it's worse cause I can only relate so little to what he went through, although I can feel a little of what he's feeling I can't shake off having never seen him cry and being the reason he did.
Mom and dad said I did the right thing, it's not like I was the first to talk to him, dad spoke to him about it just a few minutes before. But... I don't know... I get that they're right but I don't feel right about being the one to make him understand his feelings a smidge and cry, I like helping people reason their feelings or at least feel them without a word against them, but I've never done this to someone...

It also really hurts to see him have to go through that and not give himself time to mourn, I get the struggle with having a break from a toddler but to keep yourself working... it might be helping now but I can only hope he takes time off once it starts to hurt...

None of this probably makes sense either, but it never did in the first place.
My brother's best friend who he's had almost his whole life was killed a few days ago, him and his boyfriend having been in a relationship that seemed to just be getting worse... the boyfriend then killed himself...
What an awful reason to drag a weapon into a situation and take two lives...
Now my brother and his friends have to clean their house and my brother is beating himself up about it... I hate to say but if his friend didn't move out before this, I could've lost him too... while at the same time, I hate to agree, the situation might not have gotten so escalated, it might've been stopped...
At the same time... I hate that I can relate to what he's going through even if it's just a little... a lot of kids I've known growing up have died, one being a best friend of mine too. But it's hard to feel when at the time I was dealing with a lot more, besides, I never got to see him once he had his brain tumor so we all grew distant over the years and I only got a glance at how he was before he passed...
Only reason I can relate is that another friend recently tried to kill themselves and I didn't know for a few months... that nearly shattered me...
But I can only imagine how different that feeling must be from his even if it's that same bizarre, unexplainable feeling... it still hurts so differently...