I'm so tired of being home all day cause of those quarantine... at this point I'd rather risk getting sick and dying just to be in school- since it was so important that no one could take it in another year or so- just to be in a social environment.
I honestly didn't know what I expected really... I've gotten to see one friend after months and I wanted to invite her over to my grandmas for a late and small Thanksgiving since her family doesn't make good food (cause only one person's allowed to make the food cause that's the rule the person made.) Well her boyfriend gets to be in town for like the rest of the fucking month and December if I recall correctly and she wanted him to join. I didn't think it would be bad, I like him and the last few times it was the three of us we all had fun.
He has a fucking stomach problem that they both knew was happening. They were only there for an hour so of course I'd want to go with them rather than be alone all day. We get to her house, he wants to be left alone cause he's in pain, her dad does creepy asshole stuff like usual, and she's anywhere and everywhere around her house like I don't exist, and when he finally gets up cause she's annoying him this whole time she does nothing but do talk to him, sitting literally in front of me four feet away FACING me. It's not like I can join in cause it's couple stuff they're doing and it'd be fuckin creepy or assholey if I do.
And because I'm too worried about hurting others and being abandoned by them I can't say anything and it takes her dad telling that she's left me alone for a whole two hours for her to look at me.
That's not what hurt the most though. What hurt the most was her entire mood change from happy to miserable while asking me if I want to go home! No sorry or if I'm okay or even fucking engaging me into anything, no, only her boyfriend that I'm just starting to become friends with stops, apologizes, and asks me if I'm alright.
Its not the first time she's ignored me like this either... she's left me for an hour to go have fucking sex rather than waiting for after all of us spending time together. She's ignored me on Halloween as we wandered around the mall cause Halloween was cancelled, and I had to hold onto her fucking arm cause I was dressed as a plague doctor, ya can't see for shit in those fucking masks so I had to be guided around to make sure I didn't hit anything in my peripheral vision. And now this.
It just sucks... I don't have anyone else to talk to... I don't have any engaging conversations for one that I feel like I've lost all and any entertainment to, plus I doubt our schedules will line up anytime soon since she has work. Idk the work schedule of another, idk if she'll be driving anywhere other than work since she had an awful car accident, and I'm extremely uncomfortable around her family cause they treat her like everything's her fault and don't actually take time to listen to the whole sentence. And the friend I've known for the longest we just send memes to each other and his parents either never let him do anything or he's already planned something they'll probably change their minds about letting him do.

So yeah... this year's been some bull shit and I continue to have less and less hope that I actually have any meaning or reason to exist, that's the simple way to describe the pain I've non stop felt lately.