Right now it's 1pm and I'm enjoying a bowl of cereal. Tho lunch is ready, I'd prefer to have some breakfast

The third book on the review is The Merciless Beast by Emerald_666666

Question to the members :
Erica knows alot of languages, an educated young woman. Out of all the languages Erica knows, which language would you like to learn.
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Though it's not necessary for other members to read the review, I'd advise them to as they may find some helpful things to improve their own story

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I want you to know that the review is my honest opinion, I am not a professional reviewer, just a person who loves reading

My brother, Ash, will be reviewing the books aswell, I thought it'd be good to have more than one person giving feedback.

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Title:
Maria: 7/10

There isn't much of a problem with the title of the story, the only problem I have with it will be discussed in the character section.

Ash: 6/10

Its a good tittle but it does lead to assumptions as to what the story is about. Make sure that your story does live up to it's title otherwise it's just a label slapped on as an afterthought

Cover
Maria: 6/10

The cover isn't all bad, the only eyesore is the neon being used in it. Neon is not used in romances. The font is also something that should be a bit softer, maybe cursive or something much more gentler.

Ash: 3/10

The glow of the letters and the overall darkness of the cover makes it extremely unpleasant to look at. There are too many words on the cover it's off-putting to try to see what's going on.

Blurb
Maria: 5/10

the blurb is way too long. Remember the blurb is not supposed to be a whole analysis or summary of the story, it's supposed to be used to draw in readers. You're supposed to buy the readers with the blurb. Think yourself "if I was a reader with this blurb make me read the book".

Ash 3/10

the Blurb is too wordy. It's not really pulling my attention and is too long to try and get through. The big words threw everything off

Plot
Maria 5/10

the plot needs a whole lot of work as it isn't very strong. Emerald do you know where you want to end up with the story because to me it seems like you don't know where you are or where you going with it. I might be wrong but it seems that way. Your story seems like a whole lot of one shots put together into one book and you have to work on that. There hasn't been any progress in the story and none of the things in the chapters influences what happens in the next. In other words you aren't getting anywhere. If I'm being honest the plot you have is extremely cliché and used over and over again. I did some thinking and thought of something that would hopefully push you into the direction of finding a proper plot.

Close your eyes, think of your characters and have a conversation with them. Ask them "who are you Erica Jade. what do you want. who do you want."
do this to all of your character Steven, Erica Sasha, Linda and once you get your answers work on your plot. Erica needs drive and stakes.
here is an example maybe Erica wants to save up money to get out of her mother's house but what's the goal of Steven? Find love? Take down a rival business?
Your story needs goals and stakes.

Now let's say Steven wants to take down another business that he's competing with. you've got something that Blooms open something else: the CEO of a rival business could see Steven's interest in Erica and would offer her a much higher salary higher salary means moving out of the house quicker and the goal is met.

Now this would create conflict, see Erica is offered a job opportunity by a rival company, Stevens enemy.
Ask Steven how is feeling and what is he going to do about this. These are just examples I'm NOT telling you how to write a story I am however telling you that you NEED a proper plot!

Ash 4/10

there's some potential in the plot some more work is definitely necessary it feels a bit the fly through. It's a bit difficult to figure out what the plot is supposed to be it's all over gone too quickly so there is not much time to digest what's happening I'm unsure as to what the 'Merciless beast' is supposed to be.

Characters
Maria: 6/10

honey you going to have to work on your characters a lot you've made some of them very very flat. You need to give them more personality... give them more hobbies, more likes, more dislikes give them ways of speaking and quirks.
Erica is a good character I believe she can be better however you can make a better give her feelings and pour your soul into her
Sasha, she is not that likable... she sassy and bubbly and needs a lot of work. Make her more consistent and give it things to do don't let your side characters lives revolve around the main character.
See Steven is the character I've got the biggest problem with. he's supposed to be Merciless but HE IS NOT Merciless at all. Emerald you need to show us, the readers, that he is Merciless make the employees scared of him. If they were scared of him they wouldn't they throw water on him like Sasha did, let him put people on their place. EVERYONE even his friends!. no matter who they are you cannot SAY that is Merciless. This does not do justice. You have to SHOW that he is Merciless.
Let him fire people if they even drop a plate or something. If someone stares at him too long let him straighten them up. If Erica faitns show us that he doesn't give a damn. make him cold and Merciless. don't tell me that it's Merciless. you didn't create him according to the vision you had in mind in other words you lied to us about him.
However you do hold a promising idea for him because with him being cold and rude Merciless and stoic, you could have Erica be the key to melt in his heart. A tip that I have for you if you want Steven to fall for Erica tweak her personality and give her standards. When Steven calls her Fat, let her stand up for herself in a less dramatic and baby way.

"you're my boss, but refrain from talking to me in that way. I will not tolerate or allow it" Erica says in a light but firm way, causing Steven to have something that he's never had before : a loss of words.

A girl like this who isn't gawking at the all mighty Steven... who isn't taking any lip from him, will shock him and create an interest. This is where he would want to learn more about she doesn't need him, she doesn't want him. she different and this demands his attention. What do you think will happen if her attention is taken away from him? He will go out of his way to please her and it could frustrate him when she would choose a rival over him. This will give you an opportunity to maybe show another side of Steven.

Ash: 5/10

Steven is a good example of the boss archetype, he's a bit flat since he gives me nothing to route for, he feels more of an obstacle than a character
Erica jade is a decent protagonist and her character is a bit more thought out than the restbut her goal is not enough and she has no stakes
Shasha is not really likable but I feel like that is intentional? If it is, good job, but if it isn't, then she definitely needs some more work.

Spelling, writing and flow
Maria: 4/10

Tho there isn't a bunch of spelling mistakes, you really really need to work on the words. You need to stick to much simple words because alot of the time, the words you use, doesn't mean what you think. There were lots of cases like this in your book. Stay simple. You can't apprehend footsteps, apprehend means hold.

Ash: 2/10

the big words and strange placement of others makes the whole story feel lumpy and Broken, it completely ruins the flow as I have to go back and make sure I read the sentence correctly. The spelling is good but there is a bunch of grammatical and context areas that need to be addressed
it's really hard to read when the continuity gets broken by a sentence that makes no sense the consent use of proper names instead of pronouns makes the story feels like it was written one line at a time and then stitched together.

Originality and creativity
Maria: 5/10

your writing skills need work you also need to be more creative and turn the idea into a much more original concept. There has been many stories that have read that exact same thing as yours.

Ash: 4/10

Very Fifty Shades, it's got a twist with her not being interested in him and him being extremely abrasive with her, but a workplace romance is definitely something I've seen before having your own twist on it is very creative

Suggestions
Maria

I don't want you to feel the same x what I say I want you to take all the feedback that everyone gives you and used to build on your novel if you need my help I'd be more than happy to assist you with anything just DM me and I'll give you a whole thing on it. From characters to plot two girls I will be willing to help you build on something that could be great.

Ash:

keep it simple it's way too wordy and complicated and sometimes makes no sense. an example of this is in chapter 2 :
" I could apprehend footsteps jogging down the stairs" sentences like this makes no sense and I have to stop for a while to figure out what he supposed to  use pronouns instead of character named Junior Youth speech tags also just also must through the story and make sure that everything makes sense otherwise the whole story gets thrown off and it becomes short to read simplify the words so that people have less advanced vocabulary can enjoy the story as well

Overall
Maria : 33/80.     41%
Ash: 27/80.     33%