I have dreams of the past. Someone with red hair, green eyes, and a soft smile. Someone with dark hair and brown eyes, kind eyes. My parents, people I don't remember loving. People who sacrificed their lives for me, who loved and cared for me. I dream of their bright faces.

I have nightmares of the past. Blood, screams, my first kill. I remember their tear-stained faces. Their eyes full of fear. I see them break over and over again. Built up only to be broken down until only the strongest are left. My second kill. I dream of their broken faces.

Tonight, no dreams or nightmares that I can remember. Just darkness. I don't know what's worse, dreaming of what I could of had or having nightmares of what I've done. I’m grateful for the break, I feel more rested than I have for a while.

When I open my eyes the first thing I notice is the cold, empty space next to me. He's gone, not a single sign that he was here except for the faint smell of his soap that still clings to my pillow. The sun’s now starting to rise, indicating the beginning of a new day. I snuggle deeper into my bed, enjoying the quiet that runs through the building and the flecks of light that shines through my window and lights up my room in different shapes of gold. It's almost serene. Someone should be coming to get me soon but until then I'll enjoy the serenity while it lasts. Pulling the curtains back a little, I can see ice melting from the top of my window. Winter should be ending in the next month or so. It's so beautiful and peaceful that for a minute, I can convince myself I'm somewhere else. Anywhere else. Maybe a house I never had, with someone making breakfast downstairs.

Before I can get too far into my delusion, the sound of footsteps snap me out of it. I take the handcuffs that are still hanging from above me and place it under my pillow. I lay back down and hear the door open. Cracking my eyes open as if I just woke up, I see Leonov standing by the door waiting to escort me to the washroom. Getting out of bed, I'm surprised to see Leonov with his back towards the door as I get dressed.

I follow him down through the building all the way to the first floor where a few officers are chatting, looking over some files near the entrance of the dining room. Leonov waits outside as I enter the washroom. I expect no one else to be in here, but the sound of the shower running brings about an uneasy feeling in my stomach. The shower stalls have curtains unlike the showers from before, thankfully. As I brush my teeth, I can't help but look over my shoulder every now and then. All of a sudden, the water cuts off and the curtains are pulled aside revealing Anton with a towel wrapped around his waist. I make sure not to meet his eyes and focus on brushing my teeth instead. Every now and then I feel his burning gaze on me, making me shift uncomfortably. My grip on my toothbrush tightens as I hear his towel drop to the floor and the rustling of him putting on his clothes. I can still feel his eyes on me as a shiver runs down my spine, disgust, anger, and uneasiness spreading through my body. Anton finishes changing as I'm washing my face and leaves. Once I finish freshening up, I follow Leonov down to the dining room where most of the officers are already eating. Ivan is laughing and joking around with some officers and I can’t help but feel my stomach churn with betrayal and sadness. For so long I saw Ivan as a father figure and now he’s almost like a stranger to me. Sometimes I wish I was still blind to everything he’s doing, I wish I still had unconditional trust and obedience in him. Things are different now, I can’t trust anyone but myself. I know I can trust the Soldier now, but one day they’ll make it so I can’t and I hope when that day comes it’ll be later rather than sooner.

As I sit at my table that's away from everyone else, I feel the same burn of someone's eyes on my back. It’s not the Soldier, I know that because he’s not even in the room. Glancing up from my food, I find Anton staring at me with a smirk. Staring back at him, I grind my teeth in irritation when he doesn’t look away and instead chuckles in amusement. The sound of footsteps forces Anton’s eyes away from mine and instead they focus on the Soldier entering the dining hall accompanied by three officers. The Soldier’s eyes sweep across the dining room and land on Anton who bows his head over his food and continues to eat in silence. The Soldier’s eyes sweep right pass me as if I’m not even there much to my relief. We’ve been far too reckless lately and we need to be more careful from now on. I’m glad he’s realized that, not that I doubted him in the first place.

The Soldier takes a seat at a table on the opposite side of the room from me and the three officers sit with him. Once I finish my food I notice Leonov heading towards my table. Getting to my feet, I follow him out the door and to his classroom. When we get there, we go over my file again and he makes me repeat my cover until he’s satisfied with my recollection. The next thing he does is show me the layout of the Bolshoi and the different ways I could escape if things were to go wrong. The building has an extensive layout but nothing too hard for me to memorize. I’ll be spending most of my time with Ostrovsky in his hotel room anyway, which is what we go over next. The layout of the hotel is a bit more complicated since his room is the penthouse suite. He’ll be staying in the Ararat Park Hyatt Moscow which is a little less than a five minute drive from the Bolshoi. I need to avoid all cameras when I’m sneaking out which means I need to know every hall, back door, and exit. The Soldier is going to be in a building across from Ostrovsky’s suite to make sure everything goes as planned. If the mission is in any way jeopardized and I am unable to kill him, the Soldier will take him out. He’s meant to keep his distance at all times, which means he won’t be in the theatre with me nor the hotel. So I’ll be entirely on my own. I’ll have an earpiece to communicate with him and also the listening device for Ivan and the others to hear what’s going on, but other than that it’ll be just me. I know I can do this, I’ve just never been by myself before. For as long as I can remember I’ve been surrounded by people. Whether that be Ivan, the officers, the Soldier, or the girls. But on this assignment I’ll be alone, I could run if I wanted to. I know I won’t but it is an option. I’m not even sure if I could survive on my own, find myself a job and an apartment. I don’t know the first thing about living on my own but I could learn. I’ve been taught to adapt to my surroundings, be what I have to be to survive. I could live out there on my own, I mean I survived the Red Room. Maybe I could take the Soldier with me, would he want to leave? I’m confident that he would but-

The clearing of someone’s throat and a knock at the door makes Leonov and I turn around. Madam Oksana is standing in the doorway waiting patiently for me. As we make our way down the staircase to the first floor, I shake the remanence of my thoughts from earlier. I could never ask the Soldier to leave, hell I wouldn’t leave even if I had the opportunity. They’ll be after us for the rest of our lives if we do. We won’t ever be in peace, we’ll have to keep running and changing our names and the way we look. I don’t want that life, for either of us. It was stupid of me to even entertain that fantasy in the first place.

When we enter the ballet room, I find it empty except for an officer sitting at the piano looking through sheet music. Once I put my ballet shoes on, I turn around and find Madam Oksana holding a flat square box. She makes her way towards me and opens it, revealing a long blonde wig. Madame Oksana tells me to tie up my hair and put on a wig cap, then she helps me to put the wig on.

“Czarina has blonde hair, most of the girls that will be performing will have blonde hair. If you’re caught by cameras it’ll be harder for them to figure out which girl left with Ostrovsky.” She explains while securing the wig in place. “Also it’ll help to know how it feels to dance with one on.”

Getting into place, I wait for the officer to start playing. Once the music starts, I begin to dance. It feels like the wig is going to slide right off every time I do a turn but it stays in place. I notice every time I do a pirouette I tense up, afraid the wig will fly off. By the time I’ve finished the routine for the third time, I’m able to forget I’m even wearing it. I’ve managed to catch a few glimpses of myself on one of the mirrors hanging on the wall but not enough to fully see what I look like. The only thing I don't like is that the strands of hair keep getting in my face but I can just tie it back for the performance.

Eventually Anton comes to escort me to the dining room for lunch. I place the wig neatly back in the box and remove my ballet shoes, then follow Anton out the door. The dining room is empty except for the chef who already has my food prepared at one of the tables. Anton doesn’t eat but instead stands a few feet away and watches me. He makes me uncomfortable but more than anything else he annoys me. The chef didn’t give me much food but it doesn’t really bother me considering I have training with the Soldier afterwards. Once I’m done eating, Anton walks me upstairs for my session with the Soldier.

As me and Anton head upstairs, I notice him walking a little closer to me than usual. I try to pick up my pace in the slightest but he just gets closer to the point he’s almost touching the back of my feet with his shoes. I swear, one of these days I’m going to kill him. We finally get to the training room where the Soldier is already waiting outside. Anton doesn’t come in but instead turns to leave with a smirk. The Soldier watches Anton until he disappears down the stairs but doesn’t say anything. I enter the training room first with the Soldier following behind. The sound of the training room door closing makes me turn around to face him. His hands are folded behind his back as he studies me carefully.

“All you’ll have is a syringe. You aren’t allowed any weapons, not that you’ll need any.” The Soldier smirks, looking away from me and walking over to the training mat. “But he is the head of the KGB. Any type of stalling, delay, or prolonging will raise suspicion.”

I never thought of the fact that Ostrovsky would be any kind of threat. I’m not really worried about him hurting me but he has to have some skill to make it to the top of the KGB. Once on the mat, the Soldier gets into position and I do the same. Just as he lunges towards me, I move out of the way and kick the back of his leg causing him to go down on one knee.

“You must do whatever he says until the right moment. It shouldn’t look like there was any kind of struggle whatsoever. I’ll be watching from a nearby building incase anything goes wro-.” He continues to explain but gets cut off as I climb onto his shoulders and wrap my legs around his neck. Reaching up, he grabs my arm and flings me off of him as if I weigh nothing.

Getting back to my feet, I watch as he stands back up as well. “I’ll be fine. I can handle myself.” I say with both confidence and conviction.

“I know, I don’t doubt your abilities Natalia.” Before I know it, he knocks me down but I quickly knee him in the stomach and roll us over so I'm on top of him. I don't even have enough time to pull my fist back before he places his foot against my stomach and kicks me off. He then takes a hold of my leg and pulls me towards him. With one hand, he grabs my arm and yanks me forward and around so my back is against his chest. He wraps his metal arm around my neck so he's holding me in a headlock and before I know it I'm incapacitated. He’s not holding me too tight but tight enough for me to feel an uncomfortable pressure on my neck. The Soldier knows he isn’t supposed to leave any marks on me from now until the day of my assignment so he’s being a little more gentle. His grip loosens the slightest and he leans down so his lips are brushing against my ear, his warm breath making my heart rate pick up in the slightest. “Just be careful.”

We continue to train until someone comes to get me for dinner, the entire time the Soldier was pulling his punches which frustrated me but nonetheless he beat me every time. As I’m being led to the dining room, I can’t help but go over everything he said to me. I appreciate the fact that he doesn’t think I’m incapable of getting this assignment done, but he’s still worried about me. I’ve never had anyone in the Red Room worry about me before. I am nervous, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t and I am worried something might go wrong. It’s naive to think otherwise but I’m still confident I can get this done without a hitch. I know the Soldier does most of his assignments from a distance. Very rarely does he get up close to his victims, so I understand his worry. It does ease my nerves to know he’ll at least be nearby. He was right though, I’m not sure what Ostrovsky is capable of. He’s the head of the KGB for a reason. I just have to make sure to stay at his pace, I have to follow him. Whatever he wants me to do I have to do it. I can’t take him out too early or too late, that could ruin the whole mission. The Black Widow seduces, she uses her body to get the job done so that’s what I have to do.

Dinner goes by quickly. The dining room’s full, except for Ivan and the Soldier, so no one notices when Sadovsky leads me to the washroom. I’m not sure if the Soldier will come tonight but I hope he does. Even though I know it won’t be until a few hours from now, I want to get to bed as soon as possible. Sadovsky waits outside while I try to draw out my shower as long as I can. I also take my time to change into my clothes so I can pass the time. I don’t want to be lying in bed until the middle of the night for him to come but all too quickly I’m making my way upstairs to my room. Once the door is shut behind me, I look around my empty room. Looking over at my dresser, I take a seat and begin to brush out my hair. I’m guessing it has to be at least nine since the sun has long since set. Placing my brush back down after spending way too long to brush through my hair, I stand up and head over to the window. The half moon is already on the other side of the building which means I still have a few hours. With a sigh I climb into bed. The mattress isn’t the softest but my muscles immediately begin to relax once I settle under the sheets. A wave of exhaustion hits me and I have to force my eyes open every few seconds to keep myself from falling asleep.

I knew this would happen. I want to be awake whe-, if he comes but I need sleep more than anything. I’m not sure how long I drift in and out of sleep but eventually I pull the blinds back and watch the wall of trees for a few minutes. I’m not sure what time it is but I don’t hear any noise so everyone must be asleep. I’m not sure where the Soldier's room is so the smart thing to do would be to stay in my room and wait for him. All too quickly my patience wears thin and just as I fling the covers off of me the door to my room quietly opens to reveal the Soldier. His hair is disheveled and he isn’t wearing anything except sweatpants. His eyebrows are pulled together but I’m not sure if it’s in confusion or anger but from the look in his eyes I can tell he’s bothered by something. Sliding to the end of the bed near the wall, I make room for him to climb in. Once he does, I place my head under his chin and his arms automatically wrap around me securing me to his chest. So much warmth spreads through my chest it’s almost overwhelming. His skin is hot but coupled with his cold metal arm it feels perfect. I bite my lip to try and keep myself from smiling, now I won’t be able to sleep at all. The Soldier’s breathing a little heavier than normal and I can sense something is wrong but if he wants to talk about it he will, I won’t push him. Instead I’ll just wait until he’s ready, no matter how long that takes. We lay there for who knows how long, minutes maybe hours, until we’ve both relaxed. My heart isn't beating as fast and I'm finally able to close my eyes and enjoy this little ounce of peace. The Soldier's breathing is more even now and his fingers are tangled in my hair, careful not to pull too hard. It feels so soothing I start to feel drowsy. My hand is running up and down his right side, drawing patterns and shapes and words. At first his breath hitches and I stop, but the Soldier then squeezes my arm urging me to continue.

“I had a dream.” He says so quietly I almost miss it. “I had a dream of someone. He had blue eyes.”

The Soldier’s arms tighten around me subconsciously but I let him continue.

“He had blond hair, I think I knew him.” His voice begins to shake and his arms around me tighten even more, but I keep quiet. The Soldier's breathing so heavy it almost sounds like he's panting. “I can’t remember his name, why can’t I remember his name?”

Just as his hold on me becomes painful, I tilt my head up and place my lips against his throat in the only comfort I can give him right now. His grip on me loosens but he doesn’t let go, instead he presses his face into the side of my head and takes a few deep breaths. I don’t answer him because I don’t need to. We know why he can’t remember his name. The Soldier isn’t crying but he's still shaking. I continue to draw patterns into his side until he’s finally calmed down. He’s gone back to running his fingers through my hair and at some point he drifts off to sleep. This is the first time he’s fallen asleep before me and I can’t help but look up at him. He looks so peaceful it takes my breath away. If I could give him back all of his memories I would in a heartbeat, he deserves them. That could have been his brother, I hope he remembers him. He must have been someone important for the Soldier to have a dream about him.

Sleep doesn't come to me for a while. All I can think about is the fact that my feelings for him grow every single day and it’s so bittersweet. I can’t feel guilty or upset about what’s happening between us because it’s the most happy I’ve ever been. I’m holding onto this small sliver of happiness for as long as I can. But the frightening thing is, the more my feelings grow for him the more I have to lose and I can’t fathom the thought of losing him. I know I will, one of these days but I will fight as hard as I can to keep him with me and that scares me more than anything.

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Yay chapter 5 is up!!! Please vote and comment!!