Make it Right

distance can't stop what's meant to be 

She wasn't screaming at me, she wasn't even remotely angry and yet, the sound of her voice and the disappointment in it; destroyed my insides. It would've been better if she yelled and screamed, at least I'd know that she was letting the pain in her out, in some way. 

But the pain I felt in my chest right now? I knew it wasn't mine and yet, it shattered my heart. If this was what I felt, how much was this pain for her? There wasn't much she could hide from me when I was aware of every last shred of emotions that she felt. But now I had an answer to all the waves of anxiety, fear and jealousy that had swept through me unprompted over the past weeks.

Everything had clicked into place and I knew why she wouldn't much so look at me during the day and then refuse to let go of me at night. She was scared, but she didn't want to show any signs of weakness in case, Harin or anyone caught on and damaged her more than they'd already done. 

Some part of me was relieved that she trusted me enough to let her vulnerabilities show around me, but another part could sense the disappointment she felt. She'd stripped herself of every mark she put on for the world and showed him the most raw and vulnerable form of her. Me on the other hand? 

I knew I was never going to hide Harin and this fiasco from Mishil; she'd find out once I was done. But the way she found out and the circumstances...if I was her, I'd react the same way. Maybe even more severely. 

"Baby I..." "I want nothing but the truth Namjoon..." She'd rather much have slapped me in the face. Her words weren't harsh but the sharp tone of her voice and the way it took everything in her to hold herself steady.

"I wanted to tell you but-?" What was I going to say? The excuse of not wanting to involve her in my problems had started sounding ridiculous. So I simply sank back down on my chair, lyrics and work forgotten. 

"But what Joonie?" Eyes blazing with anger and hurt but the contours of her face soft, she lifted my chin to resume the eye contact we had earlier. "Tell me the truth this time, the whole truth. I deserve that, don't I?" She said, taking my hand. 

The golden soulmate energy zapped through my veins, clearing my exhaustion-clouded brain. But the energy didn't feel as soothing as it usually does. Her touch was warm but every single word of hers felt like acidic pins to my chest. The way despite the disappointment and pain she felt, the way her eyes lit up just the slightest bit when she looked at me. 

She deserved the entire damn world and here I sat, her soulmate by some divine intervention; hesitating to give her the truth. The fear, the uneasiness and the ultimate 'what if'. What if she had enough? She couldn't leave since we needed each other to survive but the last thing I  wanted her to feel was trapped. Balled and chained to me, for the need to survive. 

But the truth was the least she deserved and I was going to give it to her; even if it scared me to death. "Sit down, baby. Please," 

We sat, face to face. Me ready to speak and her ready to listen; "Harin and I have been acquaintances since she joined Big Hit in mid-2016; she used to be one of our regular stage crew. And she was diligent with her work. And I appreciated that. It wasn't until one company party that things went beyond just knowing each other," And that's how the stash of secrets I kept was out.

"I didn't tell you everything 'cause I didn't want you to think of me as a liar. I might've hidden my relationship with Harin when I was asked but that's only because I truly meant what I said. Nothing or no one mattered to me before you came around in my life. You are what really matters to me. And I swear I wasn't going to hide all of this from you. You appeared sick and I just didn't want to burden you with my problems;" The silence that fell into my studio was suffocating after all of my non-stop speaking and her silently listening. 

"That's the problem Namjoon," She finally sighed looking up from her hands, where she had been staring this whole time. Her words sent a chill down my spine. "This wasn't supposed to be just your problem. This was supposed to be our problem. I'm not mad about you hiding your relationship with her from me. It was a sensitive issue and I know you need your time to open up. All I wanted was for you to trust me enough to let me share your burden with you. All I ever asked for was to not be treated like a burden and you did exactly that-" 

"I never-" "I know you didn't mean to but this is what your actions mean. You don't come to me when you need healing, you don't come to me when you have problems and you don't come to me for anything!"

She was getting angrier and angrier and I had nothing to refute her accusations with. She was right. Whilst trying to spare her the pain, I didn't realize I was shoving her weakness in her face, over and over. How many times had I felt that seedling of doubt and insecurity in my chest, which I knew wasn't mine? The guilt, the self-loathing and the feeling that I couldn't quite put a finger on. The feeling where I could feel her hesitating and struggling to tell me she needed me. 

"I'm your soulmate! Not some charity case for shit's sake! I am supposed to be here to lessen your burdens, not increase them! As if my being more needy for healing wasn't enough of a hassle, now you gotta work alone on issues that aren't supposed to be yours to handle. And not to mention, I am the reason those problems exist!" The more she spoke, the more I realized what effect my actions had on her.  "I feel like I'm the only thing that keeps you from making the right decision at the right time. Like I'm burdening you more and more with my presence. You treat me like brittle glass Joon!" 

"That's not true, you know that's not true!" I fought back, clinging onto the last shred of hope that I seemed to have. "Is it really not? Then why don't you tell me when you need healing? Why did I have to find out about Harin by accident? And why did you not tell me she was blackmailing you? Why did I not hear it from you?" 

"Because I didn't want to burden you!" I finally burst out. "Why should my problems be yours? I am perfectly capable of fixing my messes! I don't need you for those!" "Then why should my pain be yours?" The drop in her voice, it was like the simple clinking of glass silencing a raging and murmuring room. The edges that were laced with anger were now gone, the seething had vanished. 

"Why should I aching and my need for you be your problem? Why should my mess, my neediness be your problem? Why should my emotions be your problem?" "Because you're my soulmate, Mish please-!" "And I'm yours," She cut right through me. "And I trusted you, to you at least not to make me feel like I was nothing but extra baggage. But you did exactly that!" 

Her words felt like a big wave of ice water that had splashed towards me. If she was my soulmate and I wanted to make all of her pain mine, why wouldn't she want the same? She had listened to me when I asked her to, why didn't I do that? Why wasn't I capable of deeming her strong enough to share my problems with me? 

"I can't do this..." She sighed, head in her hands, fingers raking through her dark mass of hair. "What..what do you mean?" The sinking in my stomach intensified. "You can't just go around hiding things from me and keeping me away from things just because you think I shouldn't be involved with them." Was this what convicted criminals felt when their sentence was being read? Because the more she spoke, the more I spiralled into a bottomless pit of dread and anxiety. 

"I'm sorry Mishil, I really am." Then came the begging and pleading. "Let's work through baby, please!" "Joon..." The way she called my name as she stood and the way she touched my face with both her hands, hers one feeling less warm and more frail. 

"I know you regret it and that's all I need for now. But you and me, we both need some time. You to figure out how to work our way through this and me how to find it in myself to trust you again. Trust you to not make me feel absolutely useless again." I knew there was no use in trying to persuade her otherwise. She was not going to listen and there was nothing I could do about it. "You mean the world to me but I don't want you to be the only one going down. The only one holding us up. The last thing I want for you is to resent me while being forced to be with me. I'd rather live in physical pain than live with that," 

We thought alike, we wanted the same thing. The only difference? She waited for that trust from me, that I never gave her. I never trusted her enough to think of her when I was in pain. 

A pair of soft feverish lips collided with my trembling ones, a kiss so soft that it almost felt like feathers brushing over them. "I love you," She breathed over my lips. "Just give me some time," And all at once, she was gone. Her warmth snatched, her touch still lingering and her disappointment seeping through the folds of my emotions. My hand, which I didn't realize she was holding all this time, slipped between her fingers until no part of us was touching anymore. A wave of loneliness crashed into me and without her in the room, there was nothing holding me up. 

So I collapsed, every last shred of me destroying me. Haphazardly falling on the floor, my body crashed against the couch, the leather still warm. Burying my head in my knees, I let the unexplainable feeling swallow me as a whole. I had imagined telling her everything, while laying on her lap, basking on the warm feeling of healing. I had told her alright but the aftermath was the furthest from what I wanted. 

I was so caught up in my thoughts that I didn't hear Yoongi Hyung and Hobi coming in until Hyung gently squeezed my shoulder. The look on their faces told me everything that needed to be told. She was gone and who knows when she'd be back. 

"I was just trying to protect her..." I croaked out, my voice sounding foreign to me. "We know that Namjoon-ah," Hobi rubbed my shoulder, his voice gentle. "She too knows that" He continued, taking a seat beside me, our backs against the couch. "But you forgot she's not us. She doesn't need protecting like we do. You just forgot that" And god damn it, didn't it hurt to hear your own fuck ups?

"Now what do I do?" This feeling of helplessness, I now knew why she hated it so much. It was all kinds of depressing. "You give her time and space," Yoongi Hyung consoled, his face soft with a different kind of emotion. Hyung was my rock, the person I trusted and looked up to the most. And his face told me that he understood both me and her. "And hope that your bond has enough strength to make her forgive you and your dumbly protective instincts," 

I winced at the choice of his words, which prompted a light glare from Hobi. "You aren't wrong Namjoon-ah," Hyung sighed, trying to soften his words, taking a seat on the floor. I was now sandwiched between them, "You just didn't think to consider her feelings, how she'd feel about being spared the hassle of worrying about you. And judging by her reaction, she would rather be by your side during your problems than be spared the pain of worrying about them," 

That is what a soulmate bond is supposed to be; sharing pain, sharing happiness and sharing the weight of troubles, so that it wasn't all too heavy on just one of us. When I first learned about our see-saw bond, I wanted the healing to be heavy on one side and lighter on the other. And I had somehow, managed to do just that. I didn't have much awareness of what I was doing when I was doing it. But something told me the process of making it all right, would require my self-awareness through and through.

And this is it; T-Minus 6 chapters till we finally reach the end of Bonded. And truth be told, I am not ready for this book to end. But also, there is a part of me that constantly screams and yells at me to finally finish this book and put a rest on Mishil and Namjoon's story. I have dragged this for long enough and now, it's time to end it. So bear with me, for just a bit more. 

In the past few months, so much has happened that if I start speaking of it, it'd require a whole 3000+ apology letter. And I know that I'm apologizing waay too much so I won't piss you off with apologizing more. 

But for what it matters, I am very sorry for keeping you guys waiting. Bear with me a little bit more, please! I promise I'll make it worth your while. 

On a bit lighter note, I'm a University student now, as I write this. It's been 3 weeks of classes and I honestly love it. Yes, it's crazy busy and yes it's taxing but I love how I belong. In a sense, I don't for once feel like I shouldn't be doing this. That I don't belong. 

Anyway, hope you enjoyed this update. I'll see you soon, 

Till then;

Love

Fay💜

started: 5/8/2023

published:20/10/2023