not all toxic people are cruel and uncaring.
some of them love us dearly.
but they are toxic to our being simply because their needs and way of existing in the world force us to compromise ourselves and our happiness.

- daniell koepke

//

ich hielt ihn nie für einen schlechten Menschen, niemanden, der mir etwas böses wollte

doch du wolltest dich nicht bewegen, nicht anpassen

ich hab das getan. immer und immer wieder, ohne es zu hinterfragen, über Jahre

nur gemerkt habe ich es leider nicht früher. ich liebte dich ja, ich wollte gefallen, ich wollte dir gut tun, warum denn auch nicht?

zu spät habe ich gemerkt, dass du ja gar nichts zurück gibst

es waren größtenteils Kleinigkeiten, ja, aber sowas summiert sich über die Jahre.

fällt einem zu spätauf blöd gelaufen. aber ich hab es versucht, versucht dir klar zu machen, was ich meine, wie ich mich fühle

aber du wolltest dich nicht ändern, konntest es nicht?

hast einfach die Dringlichkeit nicht erkannt?

aber muss es das denn sein?

sollte es für dich nicht reichen, dass es mir wichtig war?

schon, oder?

***

"i want to be your man", he said.
"no you don't", i replied. "you just want to make sure you have me all to yourself - a peace of mind knowing that you've got a 'good woman' tucked away at home and representing you well when she's out in public, while you're out there doing whatever and whoever it is you want. keep it real... you don't really want to be my man; you just want me to be your woman."

- cici.b

//

this maybe doesn't fit 100% but stil

you were able to tell me what to do, who to go out with, what to wear

i didn't try often because i don't think you have the right to do this to anyone

but when i did (with a justified reason btw) guess who didn't gave a shit

the strange thing about this is, i get it, partly

maybe i wanted the same, beside i didn't need to rule over you to get the feeling that you belonged to me

now that it's over i caught myself missing moments where we weren't together, like when i went on vacation with my best friend, but i knew you were there

it's this kind of savety which is really calming

maybe this kept my holding on longer than i actually wanted to

the difference is i am able to reflect that feeling and if you would be able to do that too, maybe we could have built a whole new form of realationship, working for the both of us

***

he wanted all of me in exchanges for parts of him, and then called me 'complicated' when i said...no

- cici.b