I'm ok. I'm fine.

It's my blood. Lying. Hiding the truth. Keeping secrets. All to keep myself safe.

But am I really protecting myself with this?

I don't mean to lie. It's not like I don't trust you. It's not like we're not close enough.

But there are certain things. Things I feel and think. And there are certain responses I want to things I say. Responses I know I won't get from you. I can also predict the things you might say. And I am almost certain I will not like them.

But for me to tell you something and expect you to give me an answer that you know nothing of? It's quite selfish of me, isn't it?

So to protect myself from answers I do not want, I lie. I keep secrets.

I am a hypocrite. I tell you to talk to me. I tell you not bottle things up. I tell you that it will be okay, even if I don't believe that. 

The thing is, I'm great at giving advice, but terrible at using it myself. There are things about me taht horrify me, and I don't wanna burden you with my ghosts as I have been burdened with other's.

Because I know better than anyone, the terrible feeling of helplessness, to know of someone's pain, and be able to do nothing to lift it.

But it will come, you will know. And I will tell you. But if it comes slowly, if it takes time for me to take the risk of getting hurt, please bare with me. Please wait for me to trust myself, as I trust you.