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Yesterday's dinner went pretty well actually. There were a few awkward moments but in the end that didn't really matter, you could forget about your thoughts and feelings for an evening and that felt quite good.

But of course, no other way than a terrible low after quite a good day.

Today you just felt awful, hating yourself to the maximum.

You couldn't get out of bed.

You knew you should eat something.

You knew you eventually had to go to the bathroom.

You knew you should get dressed and help with the café.

You just kept lying there, your whole body buried under the blanket with just your face sticking out.

Thoughts kept racing and running around your head, finding no way out or a stop sign.

You were never going to be someone important.

You weren't important.

You weren't someone anyone turned to for advice or for laughter.

You weren't someone who could cheer people up.

You weren't someone who could even cheer up yourself.

Never ever were you going to grow up and have a good life.

Never ever were you going to be beautiful.

Never ever was someone going to love you or even like you.

You weren't special.

You weren't talented.

You weren't capable of anything.

You couldn't even take care of yourself.

You couldn't even stay in your home town and finish school.

You couldn't do anything right.

Ever.

You weren't good enough.

Not even enough.

For anything.

Obviously your parents never actually loved you.

Obviously none of your friends cared.

Obviously you were going to die alone.

Obviously...

A loud knock on your door made your head turn and look in that direction. At first you didn't want to answer and then you decided to really just not to.

You looked at the door until the knocking stopped.

Back to your thoughts.

Time passed by and eventually you got up but not because of the things you should be doing but because of something you felt like you had to do.

You were so fed up with yourself. You weren't any help here, you weren't even wanted by both of them. And Eunjin was just way too kind...

You didn't deserve that, you deserved the doubt and the suspicion Jungwon had towards you. You weren't anything special and really just some runaway with no hope or future.

You had taken your blades with you. You took the little box out of your backpack and went into the bathroom.
A sigh left your mouth as you made eye contact with yourself in the mirror.

You were hideous. Just a waste of oxygen.

Carefully you took out one of the blades and put it on the sink.

You put the box in one of the cabinets in the bathroom and looked back at the blade on the sink.

Were you really going to do it again?

Tears started forming in your eyes.

You hated doing it but at the same time you deserved it.

Your breathing became heavier, tears made their way down your face but you kept quiet, you just stared at yourself in the mirror, looking at your face and wondering why you were still alive.

Nothing made any sense.

There was no reason for you to stay.

You weren't living.

You weren't enjoying your youth and young adulthood like people told you to.

You felt stuck.

You felt like these were the absolute worst years of your life.

And nothing seemed like they were ever going to get better.

You were never going to get better.

Why would you though?

Life wasn't for everyone.

Certainly not for you.

Slowly you took the blade and looked down on yourself.

You were only in underwear, so you could cut wherever you wanted to.

You took a deep breath.

You weren't sure if you were really going to do it.

Another deep breath.

Then you just quickly started at your right thigh. Cutting from left to right, from right to left, from up to down and down to up.

Blood started flowing, so much blood was coming out of the open wounds, you didn't even notice at first.

You started cutting your left thigh. Same thing. All the blood coming out made you feel a little dizzy as you looked at it.

You gulped.

Shit... these were so many cuts once again...

As you realised that, you could stop yourself from cutting yourself even more. You dropped the blade in the sink and tried to stop the blood with some toilet paper.

The pain kicked in.

Damn it.

As you patted your thighs with toilet paper you sat on the closed toilet and sighed.

You took another deep breath and then just stared at your thighs.

Did you really have to do that?

Now sleeping or wearing any pants was going to hurt again...

This was going to take a while once again to heal...

Great...

You sighed and then it knocked again.

As you didn't answer, someone literally just opened the door.

What the hell??

Panic rushed through your body and you quickly locked the bathroom door.

"Who the hell is this??", you could get out and felt like your heart was about to burst.

"It's just me, Jungwon..."

What the fuck? "Get out!"

"I thought you might have done something or so... since you didn't answer earlier either..."

"I'm fine, now go away!"

"Are you really?"

"I'm on the toilet, so leave!"

"Oh- uhm... okay but I'll check on you later.", then he left.

Why would he do that? Why did he do that? He didn't care, why would he now all of a sudden? Eunjin probably just sent him anyways.

He literally just got in like... like what the hell was wrong with him??

You sighed and looked at your thighs again.

A stinging pain was inevitable... you hated it.

You hated that you just had to hurt yourself once again...

It was never going to make anything better...

But at least you punished yourself somehow, right?

Whatever.

Why couldn't you be dead already?

Why was it so hard for you to just end it all?

It wasn't like there was anything or anyone waiting for you.

You didn't have a future and you never did.

It was all so pointless.

Your life was not worth living. It really was questionable how you managed to stay alive for all your teenage years until now...

There was never a reason for you to keep going, never anyone important that you would had wanted to spend your life with. Nothing and no one.

So, again, why the fuck were you still alive?

You really should not be.

You didn't even realise how time went by and once again someone knocked. Probably Jungwon again.

A sigh left your mouth, so you finished touching your wounds with toilet paper, put these into the toilet, got dressed and eventually opened the door.

"What do you want?" You looked up to him, not really being interested to see him at all.

His hair was hanging in his face, almost hiding his eyes, almost.

A slight relief was written on his face as he saw you: "Hey uh... wanna grab something to eat somewhere?"

You raised an eyebrow: "You and I? Eating alone?"

"Uh... well, we could also eat here."

"We?", you weren't quite sure why he talked like that.

"Yeah?"

"Hm... thanks but I'm not really hungry, bye."

You were already closing your door again, he put his foot in between the door and the frame to stop it from fully closing, making you roll your eyes. Why did he want to eat with you now?

"I don't buy that. You haven't eaten all day. So, I can buy you a meal."

"Nah, I'm good."

"Y/n, come on. I know we both don't really like each other but come on, you gotta eat and I know for sure, granny would drag you out of bed if she was here."

"Wait... she's not?"

"No, she's meeting with her friends today."

"Oh, I see."

"Yes, so pl...", he stopped, "please just, let's go. Whatever you want to eat, my treat."

"Why do you care?"

"I'm human, okay? I do care."

You sighed. Since he didn't seem to give up, you were the one to give up eventually, your hungry stomach was killing you, if you were being honest.

"Fine... I'll grab my jacket."

"Perfect.", he smiled.

He smiled?!

You observed him with an annoyed face, turned around and walked a few steps to get your jacket.

You sighed a little but then turned back around and walked towards him.

"Soo, what do you want to eat?", he excitedly asked as the two of you walked down the stairs.

"Hm... what kind of restaurants do you have here?"

"Hmm... not too many, a few Korean ones, a Chinese one and one Italian restaurant."

"Really? In this small town you've even got Italian?"

"Yes... I'm also friends with the son of the owners... they're all really nice people."

The two of you left the building. "So, do you want to go eat there?"

"Yes, I'd like that... you?"

"Oh yeah, I love Italian food.", he smiled again just thinking of the food and the people already.

You looked around and felt the cold wind blow past your ears.

It was freezing out here, you totally forgot about that all day as you were buried in the warmth of your blanket.

Why was he so nice? What did he want? What was he up to?

You kept having a sceptical face which he noticed and chuckled: "Relax, I'm not here to judge you today."

That made you even more irritated: "Why not? Seemed like every other day that was the only thing you could do."

"I know... I do have my suspicions about you but that doesn't mean I can't be nice... I mean, I usually am... it's just... you are this stranger who just randomly showed up at our place, then got to live there and now you're even part of our duo... So I don't know... I mean, I didn't even give you a chance... or haven't... So, I guess I should start being nicer as granny really sees something in you... well, she sees a 'sweet little woman', as she says it... so I guess, we two could get to know each other somehow better too...? Don't you think?"

You were quite surprised to hear him say that... "Are you for real...?"

"Yes, of course!... don't trust me? Ask me something, anything."

You two entered the restaurant and greeted the owners.

"Well...", you thought about it. Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea to get to know him better... you two had to live and work together... so, it most certainly would help if you got along and knew more about each other perhaps? Right?

You sat down and he did opposite of you.

"Hm...", one thing came to your mind, "who is Ahri?"

"Oh uh... shit, you heard that conversation?"

"Parts of it, yes..."

"Well...", he sighed and gladly ordered something to drink as the waiter came and you quickly decided on something too.

Was he really going to answer or just stalling time?

"She is my ex... well, we weren't together for long and I really thought she liked me but turned out she wanted my best friend and not me. So, instead of breaking up with me, she cheated on me with him...", he sighed and you gulped.

"Shit... they're both assholes."

"You know it... I haven't spoken to either of them in almost three years now... I'm more than glad about that..."

The waiter brought your drinks and you both thanked them.

You took a sip and enjoyed the cold fluid making its way down your throat.

"Damn, that's a long time... but definitely worth it... right?"

He quickly nodded: "Oh yes! But... now that you know that... now your turn, right?"

"Oh uh...", you slightly looked away and back at him, you weren't sure about this, "uhm..." You ended up agreeing since it was only fair.

"Okay, so... why did you run away?"

You sighed. Of course this question had to come.

"Well..."

The waiter interrupted you two: "Do you guys already know what you want to eat?"

Jungwon and you looked at each other and slightly nodded, so you started and then he also ordered, making the waiter leave again.

"Okay, well... I just uh... I couldn't take it any longer... my parents were always fighting and I never felt like they ever really loved me or cared for me... and school... everything was just...", you felt your voice shaking, you never actually said these things out loud, to anyone, "everything was just too much... there was too much negative shit from where I'm from... it just got too much... so I uh, I wanted to run away for a long time... I just never could go through with it... but one day I just had to leave. Never looked back again and left. None of them cared anyways. Nothing from my friends and my parents didn't really care either..."

You avoided eye contact while saying this, looking at the napkin you had in your hands to play with.

Jungwon sighed: "Fuck... I had no idea..."

You slightly chuckled: "Of course not..." you felt your tears coming, so you looked away again, didn't want to cry in front of him.

"Hey, I'm sorry you had to endure all that... I know what it's like to not feel loved or cared for by your parents..."

"Right.... Since when have you been living with your granny?"

"Since I was about 8, I think. At first it was only every other weekend, then during the holidays, then every weekend... and eventually they never picked me up again..."

"Shit... that must've sucked so much... I uh... I'm sorry too you had go through such a thing..."

Jungwon smiled but this time it was a painful one, you could see the tears in his eyes: "Oh yes, it did suck a lot..."

He had to go through that at such a young age... awful...

The waiter brought your food and you thanked them and then started eating.

You both ordered pizza.

He continued: "That's uhm... that's how I... or at least think so... got depressed... at first I didn't know I was... like, I was about nine years old and blamed everything on myself, disliked myself and was disappointed with myself.... But I was about ten or eleven when I actually realised I was hating on myself and that I really didn't have a good self-esteem or anything like that... I didn't really have any friends and those I had I couldn't trust, especially because they all had big and happy families, at least that's what I thought... and yeah... I've always been this shy introverted kid who didn't ever think anything good could ever happen to me..."

You really felt that, the empathy you had towards him now and the relatability... your story wasn't like this... but your relationship with your parents felt about the same, just that you got left alone in the house you shared with them... it obviously wasn't the same and not the same level of trauma as he had... but in a way you did feel like you could relate...

Jungwon then added: "Why do people even bother to get children if they end up abandoning them anyways?"

You sighed: "I don't even know if I want to know the answer to that..."

"Same though... it just hurts..."

"I agree..."

You both sighed.

Maybe you two could become friends after all... you definitely were already on your way to being there, sharing all these things... it could only go uphill from here, right?

***

Coming to you next Tuesday:

'chapter 6 - morning blues'