CHAPTER 33 | SWAN SONG

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   Lauren's voice shook as she spoke. "Ana, why are you in my house?" Ana didn't look as sweet as before, but she didn't look gone. She was in that state between sadness and anger.

"I thought I was wrong. I thought Joe was wrong. But it just...it all makes sense now," Ana replied, not answering Lauren's question.

She knows. She knows. She knows what I did, Lauren thought to herself. But she couldn't believe it. Maybe for a second if she closed her eyes, she would be back in her room and this was all a dream. But sadly this was reality, and Lauren was being faced with her consequences.

All Lauren could muster was one word before her throat closed up. "Ana..."

"No, I get to talk now. When my mother died--got murdered--Joe and I were the only ones who knew. He told me she was killed, but he had taken care of who did it. Surprisingly, that morning we were leaving without you. I didn't know why we were abandoning you, but...I didn't want to believe it; I couldn't. So I gave you that stuff for if you got out. But that day you came to me and told me that you were sorry for what happened to my mother, I didn't want to believe it. Only Joe and I knew...and the murderer. I kept denying it, but now I know it has to be you."

Lauren's heart began racing in her chest, watching the one person she thought she couldn't have feared raise a gun towards her head. She had a gun, she kept it from the saviors. And probably a bullet too. Lauren backed away slightly, ending up back in the hallway, but very close to the doorway.

Ana's lip trembled as she continued. "You did it. You killed my mother Lauren, you're a monster."

Monster. Lauren was a monster, and she knew it. She was a villain, and she would always be. But she thought she escaped those words; they came crawling back to her in the nightmare that was her life. All Lauren could do was shut her eyes in shame. Maybe she could sprint away fast enough. Maybe she could pull the trigger and let her die without any pain. Maybe she could escape this hell. She could practically feel herself balancing on the edge of life and death.

Lauren opened her eyes, her words fumbling out of her mouth in a plead for her life. "Ana, please...I wasn't myself back then, I was...a monster. But I've changed. You have to understand that."

Eons seemed to pass by as they stared at each other, one staring into the barrel of a gun and the other at stone cold eyes that were prepared for their death. Maybe Lauren was ready.

Ana shook her head, her voice getting louder and louder with every second that passed. "You'll never understand what it feels like to be betrayed, Lauren. You'll never understand what it feels like to have no one!"

But that was a lie. She knew exactly what it felt like to feel her body sink into every inch of sadness. She knew exactly what it felt like to be numb inside to the point where you couldn't feel a damn thing. Lauren knew pain like the back of her hand. Betrayal was just a page in her story of sadness; she was staring into the eyes of betrayal. And having nobody was a full chapter. She had spent most of her time in the apocalypse learning that being alone was what she was born for. Friends and family would drop like flies, leaving her to grieve alone in an empty room. Lauren knew how it felt to be fucking empty for what felt like years, the loneliness eating away at her body like it was a disease.

But not all villains start out evil. They all start with them being a regular human, until something happens. They're never completely evil, they just go through shit and don't know how to deal with it. Lauren was that villain. She pulled herself back together again after finding humanity; after finding her own humanity. People like Carl in her life helped her realize she needed love in her life to be strong. Family, friends, and loved ones. And he was right. She was so blind, thinking that the best way at survival was to distance herself from humanity. But all she needed was a shoulder to cry on. She needed her person.

Carl Grimes was her person.

As that thought crept into her head, she turned to the left ever so slightly to see the boy in the sheriff's hat creeping upstairs, watching the situation unfold. He watched in agony, staring into her pleading eyes. Help me, they told him. So that's what he did.

Sprinting down the hall, Carl could hear the click of the gun. Lauren was going to get shot, and in a split second his mind took over, colliding with Lauren's side as he pushed her over, both teens tumbling to the ground. Bang. The gun went off, and it was too late for Ana.

Carl immediately pushed himself off the ground, running into the room and ripping the gun out of he girl's hands. She was too shocked to comprehend what was happening. Without even thinking about it, Carl pointed the gun towards her head, pulling the trigger. Luckily there was one more bullet left. He didn't think about the death too much, since he knew she was a threat.

Backing up into the hallway, Carl turned to see Lauren standing back up, but something had changed. Her hands were holding her stomach. Dark liquid. No, blood, was on her stomach and hands, seeping through her white tank top. Carl's heart dropped to his stomach, the world spinning around him. Lauren glanced upwards, a look in her eyes he had never seen before. No, this wasn't right. The bullet had missed. This was a nightmare.

Lauren began to lose balance, and Carl's mind took over once again, rushing over to her as she began to fall. She was falling. She was shot. Both teens fell, Carl holding Lauren in his lap as she laid on him, hands clutching the wound on her stomach. He couldn't speak. He couldn't feel. He couldn't do anything but stare at the blood. Sickness sunk into his stomach.

"Carl..." Lauren choked out, her heart practically beating out of her chest.

Shaking his head, he brought himself to reality. "O-Ok, it's gonna b-be okay." Carl turned behind him. "Somebody...help!" He yelled, before turning back to the girl in his arms. "Lauren, we're gonna get you help, o-okay?"

Lauren's vision was fuzzy, besides the face in front of her. She clung onto the shaking hands that held her stomach. "Carl, it hurts, please, just, listen to me, just..."

"No, no, just...hold the blood in. H-help is coming, okay? Yeah? You're okay," Carl stammered, almost feeling like he was going to lose consciousness.

He fell back into reality when her blood soaked hand brushed across his cheek. "Carl...listen to me baby, please? I want you to l-listen. I'm okay...I'm okay. Just, let me, let me talk. I-I need you to listen. You...you're gonna live, a long, happy life, for me, 'kay? For me? And...you're gonna, have kids, and...and a wife...that l-loves you, okay? Find her, for me?"

He couldn't believe a word that came out of her mouth. He couldn't believe what nightmare he was living. "No, no, no, Lauren, you're gonna be okay, please! Help!" He mustered in between sobs.

Lauren dropped her hand, staring into his bright eyes. "Carl...I...I love you, so, damn much. Thank you for making me feel so damn happy again." In that moment, she let a smile stretch across her pale cheeks.

Carl's words were hard to hear in between his wails. "I love you too, baby please, please don't..."

Lauren's teeth gleamed. "I...I'll see you soon..."

What felt like hours passed, watching her once vibrant green eyes fade into oblivion, watching them lose the life they once had. Everything had stopped. There were no sounds. Not even the sound of another heart beating.

Carl sat in utter terror, staring at the lifeless version of his girlfriend. His soulmate. His person. This wasn't real. This wasn't real. Those words repeated in his mind millions of times until it felt like his brain was going to explode.

He pushed himself back into reality, feeling panic flow through his veins. He couldn't tell what was real or what wasn't as the words stumbled out of his mouth deliriously. "No. No. No. This isn't s-supposed to happen. You're ok. Just breathe. Open your eyes. Open your fucking eyes, Lauren I swear to f-fucking God! It's okay. You're okay. J-just wake up, please wake up. Don't do this to me, don't...come back. Come back. Lauren?"

He remembered. She was gone. She wasn't coming back. It was too much for his body to bear.

Stomping erupted behind him, but he could barely hear it. Rick and Michonne heard the gunshots, along with other people, making their way up the stairs to stare down into the hall. Rick's blood ran cold, seeing his son kissing the forehead of Lauren's lifeless body. Her dead body. Blood seeped down the hallway carpet. It was so red. Michonne could barely look anymore. Rick's eyes stung with tears, seeing Carl turn with even more tired eyes. He was so tired of losing everyone. Carl's cheeks were painted with old and new tears since they seemed to keep flooding down without stopping. He had the same pleading stare as Lauren once did.

Rick tried to pull his son away, but he refused, clinging onto the body that would soon turn into a monster. More of a monster than some people thought she was. Carl couldn't even feel Michonne's soft grip around him, pulling him away. His hand let go of Lauren's, knowing that that was the last time he would ever touch her. Screams and howls came from the boy's dry throat, taking refuge in Michonne's arms. She held him tightly as Rick picked Lauren up, carrying her out.

Now Carl knew exactly how Lauren felt, but it almost felt worse. A piece of him was gone; a big piece of him.

She was dead. And in some way, so was he.

➸ ➸ ➸

Funerals were never Carl's thing, but something was different this time. Instead of participating, he stayed behind, laying in his bed like he did for days. He just couldn't go. Four nights seemed to pass, seeing as he could only remember light shining into his bedroom 5 times so far. It was hard to count. It was hard to do anything.

One early morning, he got the courage and energy to step out of his bedroom, and walk to the gravesite. Hung on her cross was the necklace. The necklace he gave her. The gold illuminated against the fresh light of the sun. Carl breathed in and out slowly to feel the fresh oxygen fill his lungs. That felt better.

Taking the necklace, he unclasped it and put it back together around his neck. That was one of the last things he had of hers besides her clothes. They smelled just like her, and God, did he ever love pushing his face into her shirts and inhaling the scent of home. His home. Maybe one day he would find a new home.

Her words replayed in his head like a broken record. Life. Kids. Wife. He was supposed to marry her, not somebody else. It was wrong on so many levels. Everything was wrong about their situation. His situation. He couldn't even bring himself to forget that she didn't exist anymore.

But maybe she was right. Lauren wanted him to be happy, just like he did for her. Thank you for making me so damn happy again. Her words singing in his head made a weight fall off his chest.

Whatever it took, he was going to beat this world. He was going to be happy. He was going to find somebody who made him as happy as Lauren did.

Laying on the grass above where she was buried, he let his head fall onto the grass, grasping at the dirt beneath his fingertips. Maybe if he listened hard enough he could hear her heart beating under all this dirt, and he would save her, and they would go back to their normal life. But that was just a fairytale.

And not all fairytales had happy endings.

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