CHAPTER 8 | HELL AND BACK

TRIGGER WARNING:
SCENES OF ABUSE
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  Lauren strolled through the woods, but it wasn't like she knew where she was going. She felt as if she wasn't alone, but she could see the prison in the distance, she was safe, wasn't she?

She had to be.

Something gripped her arms, and dragged her along the dirt. She tried screaming, but nothing came out her mouth.

No sound at all.

She tried fighting back, but her arms couldn't move. She was paralyzed. Everything was suddenly dark, but little light was shown through a small window.

"Shut up, don't want nobody hearing you," somebody said, and her hands were suddenly chained to the wall. She couldn't move.

She couldn't move.

Something hit her, she couldn't scream, she couldn't move. She couldn't even cry, she felt like her tears were drowning inside of her. She watched as she was beaten by the disgusting human's hands. It hurt like hell.

Was this hell?

It was such a dark room. She finally screamed. Impact made it's way to her skin.

Lauren suddenly sat up with a scream begging to leave her throat. Her loud screams burned her throat dry, but she couldn't stop. She was in her cell now, sitting up in bed. Hot tears continued to flood out of her eyes as she threw her sheets off the bed, her vision was flustered and she didn't know where she was.

Was this even real?

Her dry, loud screams penetrated her vocal chords, she wanted to throw up. Someone ran into her room, they stood there for a second before running onto her bed. She had no clue who they were, but they began to hold her tightly.

Just like that man did to her arms.

The first thought that came to mind was fight back. Lauren elbowed the person behind her as hard as she could, but they wouldn't move. They kept their tough embrace around her, but she couldn't stop the screaming and hysterical sobbing. Her nails dug into their arm, but they didn't let go.

They began to coo her. "It's okay, it's okay, you're okay," they spoke, it was a low voice. Somebody appeared at the doorway, her screams began to falter.

"I've got it," the person behind her stated, and the figure left the doorway. Her legs flailed, and she begged to squirm out of their embrace, but their grip around her moving body somehow faltered her movement. It calmed her.

Her screams were now unsteady breaths. She stopped struggling, and wondered if this was the same man from before. The man who hurt her.

But it wasn't.

"It was just a dream," the person cooed again, she could feel their strong arms still around her waist, she understood now. It was just a nightmare.

But it wasn't.

It was a memory. She's had that same nightmare many times, all starting out different ways. Her darkest memories haunted her.

Dark room. Loud scream. Impact.

The two sat in silence for awhile, and even if she was a little disoriented she figured out that the guy holding her was Carl. She put two-in-two together, realizing that she was having a panic attack from the nightmare.

She hated the word nightmare. It wasn't a nightmare, it was reliving her past. It was hell.

"How'd you know what to do?" She mumbled, her voice low and dry from the screaming she had just done. Even if she didn't like Carl, her hands still gripped onto his arms that were held around her. She felt a little bit more safe than normal holding him as he held her. She felt as if she let go she would fall back asleep into that nightmare.

"My dad told me what to do if that ever happened to someone," he began replying calmly, "You hold them really tightly. He said it triggers a hormone in their brain and calms them."

"That's really smart," she breathed out. The two laid in silence for awhile, Lauren had no clue how much time had passed. Carl later on told her that the other figure at the door was Rick, everyone woke up after her screams and he had to tell them it was under control.

Lauren didn't mind laying with him, being near Carl was the least of her worries at the moment. His arms were still around her, and her grip never loosened. His skin under her fingertips was the only reminder that this was real, and the nightmare was over.

She hated him a little less than before.

"Wanna talk about it?" He suddenly asked. It must have been at least half an hour since they spoke last.

Her first thought was automatically no. Her past wasn't his business, but something told her to tell him. Trust issues held back the words, but living like this wasn't going to get her anywhere.

"I've done really bad things Carl," she finally replied, the words burning her tongue as she spoke. She's never opened up about herself, but what the hell. This is the most vulnerable hems seen her, what else could she spill out that would surprise him?

"But people have done some bad things to me too," Lauren continued. He simply nodded.

"I want to...ask you something, but, I don't wanna hurt your feelings or-"

"I don't have feelings," Lauren interrupted without hesitation. It sounded like a truly unemotional thing to say, it would've been better to state that she couldn't feel anything anymore; Lauren was a plastic doll, hard exterior and empty interior. Everything she loved had been violently ripped away from her, she was nobody anymore.

He glanced down at her with sad eyes before nodding.

"Why don't you care about dying?" He asked
softly. Lauren paused, knowing she didn't want to answer. But she had to tell someone.

"When you've got nothing, you've got nothing to lose."

After answering, his grip loosened slightly and she let go of his arms. She moved to the other side of the bed, trying not to make eye contact. Lauren was incredibly tired after being woken up, but she knew she couldn't go back to sleep. Lauren glanced at him for a second, and he looked at her with a strange look on his face.

"What?" Lauren mumbled through gritted teeth.

"Just thinking," he answered softly as he readjusted his seating position on the edge of the bunk.

"Well what do you think?" She questioned on e again.

"I think that you're not as dark as you want people to believe."

Lauren's shoulders slumped down while looking at him with a puzzled face. She's never been considered good. She's not good, she's a bad person. She was declared bad the day she killed with no remorse, the day where she decided she didn't care about the life she ended. Lauren was confused as to why he thought she anything other than dark.

Carl sighed, then stood up, beginning to walk to her door. She hated acting weak, but she was afraid to be taken by her memories again.

"Can you stay?" She asked, attempting not to make eye contact. He turned, and nodded without hesitation. Carl climbed up to the top bunk, and the two laid in silence.

Lauren wasn't going to sleep that night, but she was afraid of being alone.

She wasn't okay.

➸ ➸ ➸

Lauren was okay.

She had tried to push away the memories of that night, and a few months had passed where Lauren had gotten closer to Ana. Lauren smiled more, and trusted these people.

The person she felt she least trusted was Joe.

After weeks of thinking about the incident with her old group, she tried to find a reason why everybody had to be killed. How could everybody get infected besides Lauren? The more she thought about it, the more she thought she was being lied to. They never talk about that night, even try to stray from having to have a conversation about it. The person who tries to change the subject the most was probably Josephine.

Joe let the conversation change easily, but Josephine's face would drain of colour the minute Lauren tried to talk about that night. As the weeks passed, Joe got more distant, and Josephine looked to be more tired and skittish. Lauren soon found out that the two had ended their affair, but Ana didn't know anymore information than that.

Lauren finally took it upon herself to get answers. Telling Ana she had to go to the bathroom, she exited the tent and found her mother.

"Hi Jo," Lauren greeted, her new nickname for her making the woman smile lightly.

"Hello Lauren, anything I can help you with?" She asked. Her eyes laid upon dark circles as usual, sometimes they were bloodshot from crying. The woman was sitting by one of the campfires from the night before, letting it burn out.

"Yeah, what...what really happened that night you found me, I'd really like to know how my friends and family died," she explained, and Josephine halted her movement, her face going white.

"There's nothing else to be told," she quickly blurted out, getting up from the log she was once sitting on and trying to walk away from the conversation.

"That's a lie," Lauren suddenly stated, surprised by her own attitude. But Lauren was done with the lies, she wanted to know what happened.

The girl expected Josephine to yell at her and tell her to go back in the tent with Ana, but she didn't. She slowly turned around, lip trembling while trying to keep calm.

"I'm sorry, I can't," she blurted out. Josephine seemed more scared of Lauren than she should have been. Lauren bit her bottom lip, watching as the woman quickly walked off.

Lauren was right, they were lying to her.

It was later in the day, and Lauren was practising her archery. She used a bow and arrow mainly everyday, and she now knew the basics. Lauren had grown to love archery, the weapon being her favourite besides a dagger. Everybody called her 'that kid with good aim.'

Grabbing an arrow from the pile, she nocked the arrow and aimed it up to the target. Drawing the arrow back, she was distracted to see Joe standing near the target, talking to a curly headed man. She gritted her teeth, anger building up inside of her. She knew Joe knew something, and she hated him for that.

She felt her fingers slip, the arrow flying out of her grasp. Taking a sharp breath in, she watched the arrow hit a tree next to Joe. Lauren let out a shaky breath that she didn't know she was holding in, watching the man turn to her in shock and anger.

"What the hell was that," he began, stomping towards her, "you could have killed me!" He yelled. He stopped before he could do anything, as people from their group began to stare. But Joe couldn't let the people know about his cruelty, he had to be the perfect leader. Joe suddenly did something that surprised Lauren, but also made her stomach drop.

He smiled.

"You'll be punished for this," he hissed, grabbing her sweater and dragging her towards the man he was talking to. She wanted to fight back, but if she did she was scared that she would be punished even worse. His words reminded her of that night she was forced to sleep in the cellar.

But this wasn't the same.

Joe whispered something to the man, and he smiled while nodding. Gripping her left arm, the man took her to the cellar, Lauren not taking her glare off Joe. He was confused as to why she looked at him like that, but he simply walked away.

"Get in 'ere," the man grumbled, Lauren nodded and walked down slowly; her stomach clenching at the memories. The room had the same stench, and the feel of death.

"You won't be going anywhere," he said as a rope attached to the wall was suddenly tied around her wrists. Lauren was getting scared now.

"What are you doing?" She asked, the man going back up the stairs to close the doors. Lauren tugged on the rope, the texture rubbing harshly against her wrists.

"Shut it!" He yelled, his hand slamming into Lauren's cheek. A small screech escaped her, the pain making her fall to the cold floor; tears threatened to stain her eyes. Why would someone do such a thing? She was sick to her stomach. The pain stung her cheek, but that wasn't the only pain.

Her mind was confused, she couldn't recollect many things that were happening at that point, but she could remember being hit a few more times. Her arms were painted a dark green and purple soon after, the memory clinging onto her till the bruise would leave.

He had left a bit later, leaving her motionless on the cold floor, hands tied to the wall. Her body was closed off in the corner, and she never sat up, but she never fell asleep. She couldn't sleep, with the memories replaying in her head over and over. Sometime in the night bile had spilled out of her till she had nothing else to cough up. Choked sobs and vomit were the least of her worries.

She wanted to die.

She was not okay.

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[2235 WORDS]

PLEASE READ THE AUTHORS NOTE

a/n: wow, that was hard to write. i had no clue where to start with that scene, i've never had experience with physical abuse so it was hard to start and write it.

PLEASE remember that i am in NO WAY romanticizing her abuse, carl is her love interest later in the book because he is her rock, not because he "makes her depression and ptsd disappear while kissing her scars!!", he soon becomes her friend, and she soon starts to trust him and open up with her emotions to the group. think of it like michonne coming to the group. michonne now trusts carl and rick and considers them as family.

i also wanna create for family relationships with lauren and other ppl in the group like rick, maggie and glenn.

again, laurens past has shaped her into who she is. i got my inspiration for her past from the song 'mansion' by nf. you should listen to it if u wanna understand her a bit more :)

abuse is AWFUL, but things like this happen irl and in the apocolypse, i wanted to touch on those subjects instead of having a character whos just "badass and depressed just cause her family died". lauren is much more than that, her past has made her a totally different person. im anxious to get into more of laurens backstory. i totally left writing rape out of the question, i dont think i could get myself to write such a thing.

anyways, hope you enjoyed reading!