I don't know what to do, Hell I don't even know what I'm going to type, much less why. I wanted to turn this book around, back to being more positive and just be Mystery, be the happy, reckless, writer that dances and can't sing for shit but still does. But I can't, I just can't, it doesn't matter how hard I try, I keep falling into old habits and unhealthy patterns.

Like this week, I have a dance intensive. On Monday, I was glad to just be back and stretch out. I was also looking foreword to pointe since it would've been my first class. After pointe, I just didn't feel as good, it is painful, no matter what people say, it is painful. Then after, as our guest teacher, the hip hop teacher at our studio, decided to teach us a BTS choreo (Mic Drop). As soon as I heard her say BTS, I wanted to just leave. Grab my stuff and call my mom, tell her that I'd wait at my friend's house (who lives behind my studio).

But I stayed, and it was actually fun, soon enough I had even forgotten why I was so uncomfortable with BTS and just enjoyed dancing to their voices. I came home very shaky from all the work my muscles did and stuff. After I did my night routine and it was time to sleep, I just couldn't fall asleep, and I'm trying my hardest not to take the melatonin pills I have because, 1, they're not intended for my age and, 2, Imma need them for school.

Then at work the next morning I was so, so dead. I literally fell asleep on my desk for a little bit before my boss came. Then I went to dance, I was slightly slow in ballet, during our stretch at the barre, I literally fell on the floor and my teacher said, "you know you've been stretching well when you almost land a split right, ___(real name)___ ?"

Then during our exercises at the center, I was even slower and I couldn't get the steps right for the most part. Then during pointe, my ankles were about to give out, which would've resulted in me falling on the floor. I have very weak ankles which anyone who knows would've probably caught on by now considering how many times I've sprained and twisted them (I lost count). I just can't really hold myself up that well to the point that makes me lean into the barre which only adds more weight to my ankles which makes it worse.

Then we had tap, if I was slow in ballet, I was definitely slow in tap, not to mention that I was sore. I was literally the last one to get the combinations down. That's not very good for someone who has a sensitive self esteem like mine. By that time was legs were dead so I took an epsom salt bath after I showered and that helped a lot.

That didn't really take away the soreness though... considering that I was practically dead when putting books back on the shelves today. Then back to dance I go, the stretch was easy, no falling this time, thankfully, but still very exhausted since I once again stayed up late. Then, thankfully, after warm ups, our second guest teacher came, a TBT director. I love her and how she teaches but I heavily dislike that she singles out students. And me, not being on my best, sore to death, the only hyper extended person in class today, and on top of that not nourished or rested properly due to how I am and my schedule, I got singled out quite a handful.

Literally, she only singled us out, Jasmine (my instructor's daughter), Bailey and Anisa (who were both in front), Katherine (because her technique is the very, very good) and me, for not the best reasons, mainly corrections. Then we literally had 15 minutes left and we still had to do pointe. So here we are, tying our ribbons and guess who's one of the last two to finish? Me.

Then Ms Renee got on to me, and let's just say that I might have fallen off my platform/box a few times, and slipped. Thankfully we were at the barre. Oh and how can we forget the excruciatingly painful bourés? So, today has probably been the shortest but most painful pointe class yet and I'm surprised my feet are still completely okay and in tact, same for the ankles. I also accidentally tied my shoes too tight and one of my shoes is too loose on my heel so you could imagine how that went. Oh and I learned why my back was hurting so much for a few months, as y'all know, I'm very flexible. So when I a firebird, my back was killing me, especially right after but I get ny leg really high up behind me.

So turns out I've been apparently stretching incorrectly (or at least that's what a teacher who doesn't know me nor my strengths or weaknesses said) and obviously you guys know how the body works. If you do a trick without stretching you can seriously hurt yourself. In about 6 hours I should be awake and packing my dance bag and and getting ready for work. Also it's 3am, this is what I meant by bad sleeping schedule but at least I took an hour nap earlier. Then apparently our guest teacher will be a professional actress who's going to help with our performance skills and even have us do a skit.

Never in my life have I wanted to be a dancer so much in my life while wanting to just quit all the same. I literally wanted to walk out during pointe today. And the all of the girl in company adores BTS so the group chat is always full of them. I've literally only said one thing since they added me to it. I know that at some point they're going to say/do something or play those songs and I'll completely lose it. I already know that at some point something bad will happen, I'll break down, say something and lose composure then have to leave and who knows then if I would still want to dance.

I don't want to stop but sometimes I just can't. I just can't handle it anymore and if I speak up I feel like I'm just going to be told to suck it up or leave. Which neither option is good, at all. I'm trying to be strong but I can't, I'm just pathetic, weak little cowards that can't control her emotions for shit that rants on and gets called an attention-seeker because she's too much of a wimp and an idiot to know how to properly express this shit.

At this point I literally just want to practice my pointe work so that I can hurt myself. To use my love as self harm, to practically self deteriorate by over working while being malnourished and being tired due to staying up all night stressed, anxious and down.

It's almost been 6 months and I'm still hung over, like the song says, "por beber del veneno malevo de tu amor, ya sali moribundo y lleno de dolor. Respire de ese humo amargo de tu adios y desde que tu te fuistes yo solo tengo la camisa negra." Which means: by drinking of the evil venom of your love I ended deathly and full of sorrow. I breathed that sour fog of your goodbye and since you've left, I've had the black shirt.

6 months and I still feel under her control and under her. I truly do hate what she's made me become. I used to be very independent, nobody knew how bad my ED's had been, no one knew how depressed I was, no one knew about me being suicidal and no one had the slight idea of my little facade nor how broken and sensitive I am. No one knew about my home life, about my minor PTSD, my parents or siblings. We were the perfect family until I spilled with my twisted views.

That's why I can't listed to BTS nor their songs, specifically I need U and Butterfly, because it'll bring you back to my mind. Remind me that we went from strangers to lover and back to strangers because of how pathetic I am. I'm finally started to get a grip on myself, trust me when I say that you won't recognize me in August when we're back at school that it's because I changed for you and know Imma show my true color. My sister (adopted but not really) is gonna come up with me, and we will be unstoppable. No one will dare talk shit behind our back, and no one will be able to separate us. Also I ain't suicidal anymore, but that really doesn't change much.

Change of topic, I don't know if my cousin being in Mexico triggered my first suicidal thoughts, but I do know that he wasn't there anymore when I cried in class. All I recall is that I didn't feel loved which made me want to die, and he wasn't there to comfort me like he used to, not anymore. I love you cousin, even if we barely spoke last time we saw each other, remember the tears that fell on to your jacket when I hugged you, when we finally saw each other for the first time in about 5, 6 years maybe? Front second to seventh, I'll always love you.

Bye Bye Birdies!

-Mystery

P.S. sorry for the long chapter, I had a lot to get out