I was up early, very early the next morning. Who the hell am I kidding? I barely got any sleep at all. Between crying, bad dreams about the accident and the way Ryan left and the things he said kept playing through my mind. I heard Ryan when he came home last night. I heard him when he opened the guest room door. I pretended to be asleep because I couldn't handle whatever else he had to say to me. I was angry, but more than that, I was deeply hurt by his words. I had actually considered leaving. He made his feelings, or lack of feelings for me clear, but I couldn't make myself do it. Even if he didn't love me, he still needed me, whether he admitted it or not, and I had to be here for him. At least until he told me to leave. Until then, I had decided to move myself into the guest room to give each of us some space from the other.

"Good morning." A soft voice behind me startled me.

"Good morning." I replied back, automatically. I didn't turn around. I couldn't look at him. I didn't have the guts to face him. I knew if I looked into those beautiful blue eyes, I would lose it again. I had to be strong.

"You're up early this morning." He said.

"Makenna has a doctors appointment. I know you have one too. I'm guessing you are okay to drive yourself." I said, unable to keep the bitterness out of my voice.

"Is she okay?" He asked, sounding concerned, not seeming to notice my tone.

"She's fine. It's just for her six month checkup. She's seeing Carly today. " I replied.

"Six months already." He said with a small sigh. "Livvy, we need to talk about yesterday."

I felt a wave of panic. I knew this was coming. I was not emotionally ready for it. He probably wanted me gone. "Can it wait until later Ryan? I have to get Makenna cleaned up and dressed, and get going." This was a lie. I still had at least another hour, hour and a half before I needed to leave. I just wanted to put this off for as long as possible.

"Sure. It can wait." He replied, he seemed a bit hesitant, which naturally made me fear the worst. He then turned to Makenna, who was sitting in her high chair, having just finished her breakfast. "Good morning princess. You be a good girl for mama, and I'll see you later okay." He kissed the top of her head and she laughed. My heart was breaking, but I was so grateful that our daughter was too young to understand what was going on in her parents life.

******

"Hi. Makenna Blaney here to see Carly." I said to the receptionist, as we checked in at the front desk of the pediatrician's clinic. Three pairs of eyes turned to look at me, and I wished the floor would open up and swallow me whole. Everyone at the front desk had a look of sympathy, or maybe it was pity on their faces. I guess they knew who I was. Even the non NASCAR fans probably recognized the name Blaney since Ryan's accident had gotten so much attention.It didn't help matters that I looked like shit. Lack of sleep and crying all night had taken enough of a toll that makeup couldn't even hide.

"Mrs. Blaney, you and Makenna can come on to the back. Carly will be with you shortly." She said with a kind smile as she led us to an exam room. I was a bit surprised that I had completely bypassed the waiting room, especially considering we were a half hour early for our appointment, but I wasn't complaining. I may have gotten even more stares sitting in the waiting room.

It wasn't long before Carly entered the room. I couldn't help but notice how gorgeous my friend looked. Skin glowing, eyes bright and sparkling, blonde hair perfectly in place.

She took one look at me, frowned, and engulfed me in a hug. I lost it on the spot.

"Oh Liv, what is going on?" She said, taking a seat in one of the chairs next to me.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to lose it. I know you are working, so this really isn't the time or place." I said, holding back a sob.

"Honey, I had them block an hour of my schedule when I found out you were coming in. Talk to me."

I spilled everything that had happened yesterday and last night. Carly let me talk, and cry, handing me a box of tissues from the counter. "I almost left last night. In the end, I moved into the guest bedroom." I finished with another sob."

"I'm so sorry you are having to go through this, but don't give up Olivia. I know it's hard, and I really don't have the right to tell you that, but you and Ryan have the kind of love that most people only dream about. The Ryan you married is still in there, it's just going to take some time. If he's having small flashes of memories, he could be getting bigger ones, or everything could just all come rushing back." She said sympathetically, squeezing my hand.

"I'm not giving up, but I'm worried he has. He told me this morning we need to talk, and I'm avoiding it because I'm thinking the worst, like
he wants me to leave."

"You don't know that. You need to hear what he has to say. Don't put it off. That's only going to make your mind go crazier." She scolded.

"I know I can't put it off any longer. I'm just terrified." I said, fighting back more tears.

"Of course you are. You wouldn't be human if you weren't. When Chase gets back from this weekend, I'm going to tell him he needs to talk to Ryan again. Whatever the guys said to him last time seemed to help didn't it?"

"Yes. It did. Things had gotten a lot better after that night. I know it only lasted a couple of days, but it was good. I really hope Ryan spends more time with the guys. He needs his friends and that sense of familiarity more than anything." I said.

"I'll make sure of it. Let's do a girls night early next week. You, me, Amanda. Preggo Nic can be our designated driver. We'll go out, and the guys can hang out with Ryan and babysit. It'll be good for you and Ryan. You need to get out, and Ryan needs to spend time with his friends." Carly practically gushed. Thank God for her bubbly, upbeat personality. It was exactly what I needed today.

"Okay. That sounds amazing actually. Deal. Are you flying out later to the race this weekend?" I asked.

"No. I'm skipping this one. I have to work Monday, and it's too hard with them being on the west coast." She replied with a hint of a pout.

"I'm not gonna lie. I miss it so much." I said wistfully.

"Have you watched any races since the accident?" She asked.

"No. I haven't had a chance. This weekend is the first one since Ryan got out of the hospital. I don't even know if he wants to watch. If he does though, I'll watch with him."

"Just to give you a warning, they have been showing replays of the accident before every race. I know the other night you said Ryan had not seen the accident."

This made me a bit angry. Not at Carly by any means, but NASCAR or the television networks. Whoever makes that call. "I don't know why they have to show it. No one wants to see it. Thank you for letting me know that though. He has not seen it. I don't think he really wants to. I know I don't, even though I relive in my head nearly every night."

Carly was looking at me now with an even more concerned look on her face. "Liv, I know it's really none of my business, but I have to ask, are you seeing someone professionally, like a therapist?"

"No. I've been too busy, and I'm dealing with everything." I said, trying to not sound too defensive.

"I think maybe you should. I believe you may be dealing with a bit of PTSD." She had now taken on that tone of sympathy that I had become all too familiar with.

"No. That's absurd." I blurted out.

"No it's not. You witnessed something very traumatic. You nearly lost your husband. You lost a baby, likely as an inadvertent result of that. Olivia, you don't look as if you're dealing. The lack of sleep, the dreams of the accident. You've obviously lost weight. You need to talk to someone. A professional. I can get you a list of names, but you can't keep going on like this."

"I'll think about it." I said, hoping to put an end to this part of the conversation.

"Okay. I'll accept that. You know you can always come to me, and whatever you need, I'm here for you."

"Thanks Carly. I appreciate that."

Sensing the subject was closed, she turned her attention to Makenna, who had been in her carrier this whole time, quite content to chew on her toys. "Alright. Now let's get this little one checked out."

*******

Ryan's POV

"What are you feeling right now Ryan?" The psychiatrist asked me, after several moments of awkward silence.

I shook my head. Where to even begin? "I feel like I'm stuck in a bad dream that I can't wake up from. I have this whole life that I don't know. It seems like a good life, but still, I don't know it. The part of my life I do know... I don't even know if I'll ever get that back, and that terrifies me."

"You're talking about your racing?"

"Yes. It's the only thing I know. It's all I've ever wanted to do. If I don't have that, then what's left for me?"

"Let's start at the beginning. Tell me more about your career...."

I replayed the session with my therapist as I drove home. Pretty much me talking about how much racing means to me. There were several more moments of awkward silence, then me talking more about racing, him asking a few questions in between. We didn't talk about the accident, not that I remembered the accident anyway. We didn't talk about my recovery, my memory loss. Nothing about Olivia and Makenna. I got absolutely nothing out of this session. No clarity. No resolution. No feeling of an emotional burden being lifted. Nothing except a prescription for antidepressants that I likely would never get filled, along with more useless pamphlets on depression, anxiety and other mental disorders that I would probably never read, lay on the seat next to me.

I was never one for talking about my feelings. Whatever mental disorders I may have were directly linked to my memory loss. Once I got my memory back, and I could work on getting back in the race car, I would be fine. I do kind of wished we had talked about Olivia though. Maybe next session. If I went back.

As I continued my drive home, something caught my eye as I waited at a red light. It was a coffee shop of all things, no big deal, but something about it felt so familiar. Familiar enough to make me do a U-turn as the light turned green, and pull into the parking lot. I don't remember coming here before. It was out of my way. But in the back of my mind, I knew I must have been here before. I could just sense it.

When I stepped through the door, my gaze was immediately drawn to a table in the corner. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Much like the memory I had last night. Livvy and me. We had been here before. I could see it clearly. She was sitting here, an annoyed, disinterested look on her face as I handed her a coffee. She was pissed at me for some reason. It was not the teenage Livvy I knew, but the Livvy I was living with now. She was so damn pretty. Her hair was a little shorter back then. She must have grown it out. Now she was smiling at me. Her skin glowing. I remembered this was the day I convinced her to become my new PR. I don't remember why she was mad at me, but she didn't stay mad long.

This was a good memory. Finally.

I stepped up to the counter and placed my order. I couldn't wait to get home and tell her about this. I also needed to talk to her about the memory I had last night. I knew she was pissed at me, but maybe her favorite coffee would help break the ice.