The first thing I have within sight is a letter, so I take it out but check what is underneath.

A cute chick-shaped night light, and a small chick plushie. This is my favorite type. He truly got me what I love the most.

Not seeing anything else in the box, I put the plushie down on my lap and read the letter he left.

Hey, I'm not sure you will receive this on time, but I wish you a Merry Christmas and hope you will enjoy your day with your parents. I am pretty sure your mom will do her best to pamper you, but I wanted to get you something again this year. Make sure to keep this cute night light on and hug the small baby chicken when you're not feeling alright or if your anxiety is giving you a hard time and that I cannot be here.

The new year is coming, and I sincerely hope this one will be better and amazing for you. Take care of yourself, please, don't ever skip meals, focus on your mental health more if you need and don't worry about anyone's expectations because you and your happiness are the most important. Okay?

You still mean as much as you always did to me, and I hope that you will learn to care about yourself as much as I care about you, no matter how long this takes, I'm always here for you.

<3

I control the rhythm of my breathing to not tear up, and I fold it back the way it was.

I sometimes wonder how he can still stand me after so much time. That must be difficult to have a friend like me, who rarely feels good or happy, who is immature, who is pretty boring as well. He is too good.

Those thoughts torturing me, I drift my mind to something else and leave the box under my desk to take my phone. I am very awkward when it comes to thanking someone or expressing what I feel, but I will do my best to not sound too dull or cold.

[ hey, I just received your package today. I didn't expect you to spoil me again, it really makes me happy. Thank you so much, and I know I'm gonna repeat myself, but I care about you and you mean a lot to me too. Thank you, your letter was way too sweet >

I send it after rereading everything, hating myself and how awkward I am. My texts or reactions always make it seems like I do not care when inside, I have an indescribable amount of emotions.

I do not wait for his answer but position the fluffy chick plush toy and night light on the desk in a way for them to face me, and I take a picture to send it to Enna.

[ he sent me this for Christmas with a letter >

As expected from her, it only takes a few seconds for the text to be opened, and she writes.

< bro ]

< he can't be serious ]

< what did he say in the letter? ]

[ a lot of sweet stuff but there's a sentence that made me feel like crying. He said "you still mean as much as you always did" and "make sure to keep this cute night light on and hug the small baby chicken when you're not feeling alright or if your anxiety is giving you a hard time and that I cannot be here" >

< broooo ]

< tf he means "as you always did"? Is it like he knows he has a girl and that she should mean more but she doesn't? And the "and that I cannot be here" makes it look like he usually sleeps with you ]

[ it's sweet and cute tho. I feel like crying again >

< stop! You're not gonna cry. Tell him this weekend. Srsly I know you like him and that he's maybe just too good and cannot set any boundaries between you both, but this ain't it ]

< I understand that he cares a lot about you and that he would maybe not want his girl to drift him away from you bcs you've always been very close, but if I was his girl, I wouldn't like that at all. You need to talk about it to him y/n pls ]

[ he did set some boundaries at the beginning tho >

< at the beginning. He sounds and looks like a cheater now ]

[ he would never do that. I promise I know him, he'd never cheat bcs he hates that, I'm pretty sure I'm just a sister to him. Thts why he acts that way with me even tho he's taken. He never flirts, says or does anything appropriate >

< yeah but idk. You should talk to him. For your own good ]

[ ill try to >

I do not leave my phone but open Jungkook's answer.

< hey, no need to thank me, I'm glad to know it makes you happy. It took way longer than it should have, so I hope the night light is working and that nothing is damaged ]

[ I haven't checked yet but nothing's damaged so don't worry >

< good. How are you doing rn? Was your day alright? ]

[ I'm doing fine and you? It was, how about yours? >

< good too. My day was great. I hope you're not having a hard time with the cold these days tho bcs it's horrible ]

[ I hate it so much but I gotta deal with it. I wear my big and fluffy jacket to feel better >

< you have no idea how much I want it right now even if its too small lmao ]

[ you fit into it, stop lying >

< I look dumb in it wdym? ]

[ no you don't. Shut up >

< hey don't talk to me like that ]

[ :3 >

< your cute face won't work ]

[ never tried to be cute. You're the one thinking so >

< oh so thats my fault if I fall for it ]

[ of course it is, but I gotta go now. I have some more work to do for tomorrow >

< what work? ]

[ chemistry. I have a test >

< one of the worse subjects. Make sure to not overwork and don't stress over it. You'll do good no matter what ]

[ yeah hope I will. Have a good night >

< have a good night too and sleep tight ]

I erase the smile that has been on my face, and I quit the chat after finding a good way to end this conversation.

— Two days later —

Saturday, January 14th, 2023.

11 am.

< hey, I'll be here in around 10min ]

I answer Jungkook with an 'ok' and sit down on the sofa again. I am not ready to meet him after spending these past months away from each other. This does not feel right, even though he is nothing but a friend.

"What are you doing here so early in the morning?" my father notices my unusual presence in the living room, and I peek at him. "I'm waiting for Jungkook. We're going out."

"Going out?" he frowns and stands next to me while buttoning his shirt up. "Just you two?"

"Yeah, he said he wanted to hang out because he misses me," I tell him what I have been told, but his eyebrows draw a weird expression upon his face. "Uh. He misses you..." he repeats in a lower voice and turns around to head to the kitchen. "What?"

"Nothing," he keeps his thoughts to himself and gets ready to cook lunch. I will not ask him to tell me more, I do not want to hear it.

10 minutes later...

I leave the house after telling goodbye to my parents, and I make my way to Jungkook's car. I hold my purse close to my body and see Jungkook open the passenger door. "Hey," he smiles at me, and my heart skips a beat. "Hey," I let the same word out and get in, his fragrance already filling my nose after I have not smelled it in months.

"How are you doing?" he waits before going on the way, and I put my seat belt on. "Good, and you?" I nervously answer, feeling pretty uncomfortable, for some reason. "Good too," he turns the steering wheel to drive forward, and at the sight of some paper in front of me, I run my eyes over the dashboard, and those envelopes.

"It's the first time I see you in that dress, is it a new one?" he brings attention to my sweater one, and I instinctively gaze down at my thighs. "Yeah, I bought it last week," I pass my hand over the bottom and grip the fabric, not knowing how to react. "It looks cute on you. Especially with those thigh highs."

"Thanks," I force a smile and avoid looking at him. I stay focused on the outside and try not to think about the amount of time his girlfriend must have spent on my seat.

"Still a fan of compliments I see," he gets me to chuckle, aware of the way I feel about this. "Yeah. You should know by now."

"I do, but that won't stop me from complimenting you," he makes me understand he will never listen, and I pretend to not have heard this clear statement. "Are you going to tell me where we are eating?" I drift my eyes towards him and catch sight of his precious smile. "No, it's a surprise, which I know you're a fan of too."

I grin and glance away. He has not forgotten anything about me. It is like he saves every information about me and memorize them.

"Are you free for the whole day?" he exposes some of his plans, and out of lack of confidence that is caused by his physical presence, I do not make up a lie. "I am. Why?"

"I don't know, I thought it'd be great to hang out after eating lunch. We could watch a movie or spend some time at a gaming cafe," he suggests to do, making our moment linger for much longer than I prepared my body to. "What do you think?"

I fiddle with my dress and squeeze the warm material. "Is your girlfriend even okay with this?" I cannot help. I do not understand how this can be right.

He breathes out through his nose but heavily, and he shrugs, not showing anything positive at all. "She doesn't know, and she doesn't care."

"What do you mean? You didn't tell her you'd be with me?" I frown and fear his reply, feeling how even more wrong this is. "No. Why would I? She's busy with her friends right now anyway."

"You can't be serious, Jungkook," I look away and rest my elbow on the door to hold my head. "Why does it matter so much?" he does not get it or ignores it, acting like this is not obvious. "Why? Maybe because you have a girlfriend, and that I'm a girl you're hanging out with? Wouldn't you mind it if she was doing that with a guy?"

"First of all, you're my best friend, so there's nothing wrong about going out with you, and second, she does that already. She hangs out with all those cringe guys all the time, but I never say anything about it, so stop worrying," he unwittingly exposes some issues in his relationship, and I stare at him, not believing that both of them are alright with this sort of thing. "You're not using me just to make her jealous, are you?"

In a quick second, his piercing brown eyes meet mine, and I understand I made a mistake. "Are you serious right now? You really think that low of me?"

I do not get anything out of my mouth but keep my focus fixed on him. My dad and Enna's words are running through my head, and I do not know what to think anymore.

"She was mad about a simple call, so I can't believe she'd be alright with this," I speak in a lower voice and peek out the window, regretting not telling a lie and staying in bed. "Can you stop caring about what she thinks, please?" he does not help me to trust him, sounding odd. He cannot be talking about the one, who he is supposed to be in love with, that way.

"I'm here because I missed you a lot, not because I wanted to talk about that stuff again and fight with you," he releases some of the tension I caused, but for a good reason, and out of confusion, I remain quiet.

10 minutes later...

I get out of his car after reaching the restaurant out, but once I raise my head up and set my eyes on the sign, I feel my heart weaken.

This is the BBQ restaurant we used to eat at when there was no one but us two, when we would spend every day together.

"So, are you still gonna sulk or...?" he brings my eyes towards him, hiding his hands in the pockets of his soft jacket. "I'm not sulking," I deny the truth, and he scoffs at me. "Sure. Let's get in," he leads the way and opens the doors to let me pass first. "Do you at least recognize this place?"

"Of course I do," I turn around to wait for him, and his lips curve up. "I'm relieved," he sweeps his eyes over the different tables and lifts his chin up. "Is this one over there good?"

I nod without thinking twice, and he moves forward, so I follow him. We both sit at the table, and he takes his jacket off, however, I keep mine on. My body has not adjusted to the room's temperature yet.

Without saying anything, he leans over the table to rest his forearms over it, and he grabs the menu but sets his eyes on me and lowers them to my body.

"Are you cold?" he notices but raises one hand up to my face, making me remain still. "A little," I check his actions and feel him brush his thumb over my cheek. "The grill is gonna warm you up, but you can take my jacket if you want. My warmth is still inside," he grabs it and moves it over my shoulders to cover me. "Don't wear a dress next time. You look as pretty in a pair of sweatpants."

"I don't," I do not believe those words and make him know, but he disagrees. "It's so much better when your mouth is closed sometimes," he smiles to make it sound less rude, and I do the same.

"Is your head aching right now?" he drops his gaze down to my lips again, showing some care as usual. "A little," I do not pretend, not feeling the need to do so, and he sighs. "I wish I could take that pain away," he opens the menu, and I peek down at his left hand that is right before me. "Did you hurt yourself?" my curiosity surprises him at the sight of an injury, and with a mere look into my eyes, he understands what I am talking about, forcing him to glance down at it. "It's nothing. It's just the cold."

"The cold?" I doubt it. "My skin gets very dry and painful in winter too, but never that badly," I remark, out of experience, and he does not focus on anything but me. "Well, you're lucky," he completely avoids the matter and smiles, and he puts his eyes back on the menu. "Let's order some food."

I do not disturb him while he is checking the food we could order, and I drop my attention over his wrist, the shiny jewelry I know more than anyone. I lift my hand up to it and touch it. "She hasn't told you to remove it?" I ask out of curiosity, surprised to see him still wear this thin chain bracelet I bought him on our first friendship anniversary.

"No," he does not say more, making it hard not to doubt him. "Hm," I keep quiet and cross my arms over the table.

30 minutes later...

The meat still grilling in front of us and making me feel hot, I take another bite and stay back so that the heat does not redden my face.

"I heard that you went out with Angelo some days ago," he speaks of one of his best friends, the one I am the closest to, without saying more. "I did," I confirm, not getting why he is suddenly broaching that topic. "Did he say anything about it?"

"Not really. He just told Felix that he had fun with you," he shakes his head and makes eye contact, swallowing the food he has in his mouth to take a sip. "I didn't know you were hanging out with him that often."

"Often? We only saw each other, like, twice since last month, and it's always unplanned because we come across each other without expecting to," I explain but feel like the fact I have not told him about it bothers him. "Yeah, but last time was planned, wasn't it?"

"No, not even," I put my spoon down and take hold of my cold glass. "I was actually with Enna at a park, and he's the one who noticed me. He was hanging out with some friends, so we talked, and he then invited me to spend some time with him later on, which we did."

"Oh, I see," he nods and drinks again, keeping a grip on his can. I do not give him more details about what happened but glance at the meat, hearing it sizzle through the voices in this large room. "I didn't know you were that close. I mean, not close close, but you know," his sentences barely make sense, but I do not try to go any further into this. Given the reason why he brought it up, I would rather not.

•••

12:40 pm.

Jungkook now driving us to the theater, I look outside the window while listening to the song on the radio, the snow falling and leaving a thin layer of white on the ground.

"Can we talk about Angelo again?" he breaks the silence that had been remaining between us for a few minutes, and I turn my head to drift my eyes towards him. "Hm. What is it?"

"I..." he pauses and licks his lips, staring at the road and keeping one hand on the steering wheel while his other arm is resting on the door. "I was really surprised to hear him talk about you both hanging out together these last weeks."

"Why?" I stress over this sentence, not liking how fixated he is on this. "It's just...You've been telling me that you're too busy to text me because of studies, so I'm maybe just overthinking again or misunderstanding, but I don't know, it just hurt me when I got to know about it."

My body not moving anymore, I realize that I am trapped and that I have been exposed with my dishonesty.

I nibble on my inner cheek and put my eyes on the road as well, feeling ashamed and anxious. I do not even know what to say.

Even though we have not reached the theater yet, he pulls over and stops the car, worsening the state he put me in.

None of us speaking, he turns the ignition off and makes us both dive into some silence. I have never felt so scared to face him before, but this is my fault, I guess.