— Next day —

Tuesday, July 18th, 2023.

10 am.

Still feeling tired after a long sleep, I walk down the stairs and head towards the kitchen. As I enter it, Angelo's presence makes me regret not staying in bed for a little longer. Awkwardly and with tension, we make eye contact for a very brief second, and I quickly make my way to the fridge. Despite the churning unease in my stomach, I reach for a carton of orange juice and pour myself a glass, attempting to dispel the discomfort.

"Don't drink that. It's spoiled," he addresses me. I hesitate for a moment before setting the glass back on the counter, and I empty the juice in the sink instead of putting it back in the fridge. I decide to make myself a cup of coffee instead.

As I pour the hot liquid into my mug, somebody else enters the room and greets us. "Good morning," Kaden says in a rough voice, rubbing his eyes with one hand and reaching for a cup of water with the other. "Hello," Angelo replies, turning away from the stove where he was cooking breakfast. "Sleep well?" he asks him, who nods in response before taking a sip of water. "Yeah, and you?"

I drink my coffee, feeling the warmth seep into my bones as the unease from earlier slowly fades away now that someone else is here. I sit down on one of the chairs around the table and enjoy my drink, scrolling on my phone at the same time.

"Is y/n doing alright though? Felix told us she wasn't feeling well when you two left last night," Kaden shows some concern about her, which I felt but could not talk about with him. "She's resting now 'cause she's still feeling a bit sick. That's why I'm cooking," he says. "Oh, I hope she'll feel better after eating. Personally, it usually helps after drinking too much."

"Shut up, dumbass," y/n's voice resounds in the house as we can tell she is heading towards us. "That's your fault, dammit," Leon enters the room with her as he laughed. She locks eyes with me before she even glances at anybody else and smiles, but I can barely manage one in return.

"Hey, look who's here," Kaden walks over to her, affectionately pats her head, and settles into the chair next to her. "Do you remember anything from last night?"

"Kinda, yeah..." she nods, her expression hinting at displeasure. Kaden chuckles and takes a sip of water. "Leon. You heard that?" he teases him, probably forgetting what happened with Angelo. "I know, she told me. Don't talk about it, please."

"Why? Are you embarrassed now that you're both sober?" he grins as his eyes are following Leon's moves. "Shut the fuck up," he sits down next on the other corner of the table on my left. "I can't even remember what happened after the dance."

"It's better not to know, believe me," he raises his eyebrows and glances down at his glass. "I've been wondering about something, though," he changes his mind and leans into y/n to whipser, "Did you feel butterflies?"

While laughing, she shakes her head and pushes him away as Angelo approaches to serve her breakfast. "I'm pretty sure you did, liar," Kaden brings his eyes down to her dish that seems more than appetizing. "Let me know if you want more," Angelo places one glass of water before her, and she thanks him with a warm and pretty smile as he leaned in and kissed her head in front of me.

Regrets flood my mind as I question my decision to be here.

•••

2:20 am.

The harmonious music that plays in my headphones keeping me focus, I flick my thumb over the strings and strum the electric guitar with precision and ease. I lose myself in the music and finally find the perfect rhythm.

As I immerse myself in the soothing melody, I feel a sense of peace washing over me, melting away the stress of the day. The music becomes my escape, transporting me to a place where everything feels better.

I whisper the lyrics of the song, ensuring each note is played accurately as I slide my left fingers down the neck of my guitar. The melody fills my ears, drowning out the noise of the world outside. I close my eyes and quietly sing the words I have written on the sheet music, feeling the emotions behind each line.

Because that kills me to see us fall apart...

I don't mind if I go blind...

As long as I don't have to see you with another guy...

I open my eyes as the lack of inspiration cut me short. I stop the music that was playing in my headphones and look for another one on my laptop. Once it is playing, I take another sip of my vodka, move back on the sofa, and I rest my head on the back of it and strum along the song I have been listening to a lot these days.

I cross my legs and continue, my head bobbing along to the slow, ethereal rhythm. "You've been on my mind so long, I can't deal with it..." I mumble, slowing down and letting the melody guide me through. "And I'll waste my time 'till you lift me off the floor and love me again..."

"I know if I saw you...and we kissed just once..." The guitar strings vibrate with the intensity of my emotions, each note echoing the pain and longing in my heart. "You could be happy, maybe you'd come back. 'Cause I really miss you...don't know how much more I can take..." I slow down and close my eyes, letting the music wash over me like a comforting wave.

As the song reaches its climax, I find solace in the music, knowing that it is the only way to express what I cannot say aloud.

As I take a deep breath and glance down at the neck, someone entering the room causes me to stop playing and raises my eyes up to them.

Y/n smiles at me, standing at the door frame, I take my headphones off to hear her and adjust my position in the chair. "I'm sorry, I just came down to take a drink but heard some guitar, so I was curious," she explains the reason for her presence.

"Oh, is it that loud?" I ask and stop the song. "No, no, it's not. Don't worry, I just heard it because it's dead silent in the house."

"Hm. Fine. As long as it doesn't bother anyone," I force a smile and look away from her. "It doesn't. It sounded good from what I heard. And I'm just glad to hear you're playing again."

I nod my head slowly. "It hasn't been a long time, so I still need practice to make it sound decent."

"Well, I'm pretty sure you're already amazing at it," she says with a smile, and I reply, "Thank you, that means a lot coming from you..." I graze my fingers over my guitar, not knowing how to react exactly.

She remains silent but clears her throat and straightens her back, unconsciously hinting at her uncertainty. "Well, I'm gonna let you get back to practicing and head back to bed."

"You can stay if you want," I attempt to keep her with me, knowing Angelo is probably in that same bed, waiting for her. "Sure? I don't want to disturb you."

"Yeah, very sure," I reassure her with a smile, and she eventually comes in. However, as she closes the door of the studio, I turn upside down the sheet full of the lyrics I wrote to not let her see them, and she walks over to me. "Why is the whole sofa here?"

"It's more comfortable than the chairs," I answer as she sat down, but a deep breath in from her surprises me and gets my eyes to land on her bare thighs. "The leather's cold," she smiles and tucks her hands under her thighs to not feel the chill. "Do you wanna sit on my spot? It's probably warm."

"No, I'm fine. It will get warm pretty quick," she chuckles and gazes down at my guitar. "What song were you playing?" she asks, which causes some nervousness to rise inside me.

"I was just...playing a song from Cigarettes After Sex," I shrug and avoid talking about mine. I would not want to admit that I have been writing a song about us. "Oh, which one? I love most of their songs."

"Pistol," I slump in my seat, hoping she does not ask me to sing it. "Pistol? I actually never heard it."

"Well, it's as good as the others. It's a bit different from your favorite, though," I avoid playing it and letting her hear the lyrics with me by her side, feeling like this would send an obvious message. "You still remember which one's my favorite?" her eyebrows raise as a smile spread across her face. "Apocalypse? Unless you have a new fav."

"It's still Apocalypse," she replies. "But I'm curious about Pistol now," she grins and drops her beautiful eyes to my guitar before bringing them back up to mine, telling me what she wants without a word. "You'll listen to it before sleeping," I grin as I could not control my hand that went up to my neck. "Why? I wanted to hear you play it."

I shake my head, refusing to do it. "No, you'll have to pay,' I joke with her and lean forward to touch my laptop, but she grabs my hand and takes it away. "Fine, I'll pay. You know I wouldn't mind."

I chuckle but do not listen. "It's a million to hear me sing it live. You got enough?" I ruin her hopes, and her mouth opens wide. "Not even a Taylor Swift's concert ticket cost that much. Are you kidding me?"

"Well, I'm better and more special. Sorry," I retort playfully, enjoying how amused she is by it. "Everything got a free trial, so you can at least sing a little bit. Not Pistol if you really don't want to, but pick one of the songs there," she peeks at my screen to indicate the different opened tabs on my computer.

I smile at her determination, knowing she will not give up. "Fine. Pick the song you want to hear the most, but it'll only be a sample because it's free."

She becomes excited and checks the different songs without playing them, as if she already knew them all. "Wait no," she types a new one on the search bar and looks for it, the title putting a smile on my face, she picks one video and leaves it on screen.

My Heart Will Go On

"You want me to play guitar on that one?" I point my finger at it, and without doubting, she nods. "Alright. I'm gonna do something better, though," I pick up my headphones and lean towards her. "Come here. The sound will be much better," I put it over her head, then get another pair for myself.

I quickly connect them while she is already listening to the song, and when it is done, I replay the song and adjust the volume. I lean back and wait for the right time to start playing.

https://youtu.be/v_eGT1yoVis

As only a few notes have been played, she already reacts by covering her mouth. My lips part involuntarily into a smile, and I keep going as I watch her eyes light up both with excitement and amazement.

My head moves to the slow and chilling rhythm of the music that I can feel slowly run through me, taking over my body and making me feel alive in a way that I have not for awhile. I carefully graze my fingers down the strings without missing a note, completely lost in the moment, I close my eyes for a short instance as the melody is gradually becoming more intense, bending strings and adding the right vibrato effect to the appropriate notes.

I leave a moment of melody without the electric guitar, then continue at a higher pitch and let every sound resonate inside of me. I look at her as she is listening to me play, admiring the way her eyes sparkle like they have not done it because of me in a long time.

For a short but meaningful instance, both of us make eye contact, I smile but glance down at my guitar to continue the music and make it sound as magical as I can. I cannot remember the last time we both shared a moment like that, and I just want to enjoy it to the full.

The music connects us both as the melody is emotionally heightening, and I found myself mouthing the lyrics. My body leaning at higher notes, I stay focused on the dark neck of my guitar but cannot help closing my eyes again as I lose myself in the beauty of the sound.

This just sounds so beautiful, and having her by my side enhances the emotions I feel whenever I play this type of song. Her presence amplifies the connection I feel to the music, making every note resonate more deeply within me.

I can feel the energy between us as we share this musical moment, and this is a feeling I never want to end. The music becomes a bridge between us, creating a bond that words could never fully express.

Our souls seem to intertwine through the melodies, creating a harmony that is both enchanting and profound. It's as if the music is a language of its own, allowing us to communicate on a deeper level without saying a word.

As the song comes to an end, I lock eyes with her, but she quickly looks away, with a smile upon her face. She takes the headphones off and makes me do so, as I noticed some glisten in her eyes.

"The power of music is crazy," she clears her throat and makes fast to soak some tears with her sleeve. "See, this is why I don't play for free," I crack a joke to not let her reaction overwhelm me and bring my guitar down on the floor. She chuckles and gazes into my eyes as I take a sip of vodka, the warmth of it going down my throat. I type on my keyboard to search for another video.

"Could you record it so that I can listen to it again?" she asks, holding her hands between her thighs. "Yeah, if you want," I agree to it and let a slowed version of 'Cigarettes After Sex - Apocalypse with rain' play in the background after unplugging the headphones. I swallow more to almost empty the bottle. "I'll get it done for tomorrow, is it okay?"

"Yes, take all the time you need. Don't feel pressured," she nods her head, her eyes softening and staring into mine again. For a moment, none of us break it until I see her smile, and she responds, "And thank you. It was amazing. I knew you were much better than you claim to be."

"It was just 'cause you were next to me. I wanted to impress you," I grin and turn away as my vision became blurry from the alcohol consumption. "You don't even need to try, dummy."

"Good to hear," I reply and lower my eyes, feeling a fizzy sensation in my chest. The one I am so scared of. I wish I could tell her how much I love her, but she already knows all that.

She takes her eyes off of me and lands them on the laptop screen, and for a moment, we silently listen to the lyrics.

You've been on my mindAnd I'll waste my time'Til you lift me off the floor and love me again

She pays close attention to the lyrics, understanding they have a meaning to me. "Is that 'Pistol'?" she asks.

"Yeah," I confirm, and she does not say anything more but enjoys the song as well. Now realizing why I did not want to sing it in front of her, she gazes at me, but I avoid her eyes out of weakness and grab the light remote control. "Is it okay if I dim the lights? It gives me a headache?"

"Yes," she agrees, so I lower the brightness of the room until it almost seems like the lights are turned off, and gulp dowm the rest of my drink.

"Are you drunk?" she notices, concern clear in her voice. "I think I'm slowly getting drunk, I mean tipsy, not drunk yet."

"Are those all the bottle you drank today?" she raises a finger towards the end table next to me, where four small vodka bottles are sitting. "Not today. Tonight, but yeah. It helps me get inspiration for my songs."

"You should find a healthier way to get inspired," she worries, my eyes lingering over hers. "I know, but I don't do that often. Don't worry."

"Hm, I'll hold you to that," she plans on being there for it, when we both know she will never be. I grin and lean back, relieved to see she still cares about me nonetheless. I guess I can always count on her friendship, at the very least. I believe that is better than not having her at all.

"Were you mad at me today?" she rests her head on her hand as she put her elbow on the back of the sofa, her body turned towards me. "No, why are you saying that?" I ignore the reason I am already aware of. "I don't know, it felt like it."

I shake my head and run my fingers through my hair. "Sure?" she asks again, seeming doubtful. I set my eyes on hers, musing over how to respond. I cannot be fully honest, but I can maybe let her know something has actually been going on since last night.

"I just had a conversation with Felix last night, and it's been on my mind. That's all. Nothing serious," I shrug it off, my heart beating faster as my body is gradually feeling heavier. "And can I know what this was about?" she focuses her attention on my lips as I licked them, and I smile at her. "No, you can't."

Without a word, she runs her eyes up and down my features and remains fixated on my eyes, searching for any hint of details she must be hoping for. "Is it about me, though? If it is, I have the right to know, don't I?"

I breathe out sharply and glance away for a second. "It doesn't matter. It's not like it's gonna change anything anyway," I add, tired of all the emotions I have to deal with and entrap within me twenty-four hours a day.

She does not respond but expresses a lot of genuine concern in her eyes, a mixture of sadness and understanding, making me feel a pang of guilt for shutting her out. It is clear that she cares deeply, even if the situation is probably as difficult for her, if not worse.

"Am I hurting you?" she finally speaks softly, her voice barely above a whisper.

"No, you're not. Y/n," I refuse to let her say those words when she has never been at fault for anything. I am the only one to blame. I messed up and made mistakes, but she has never done anything wrong.

"Angelo's a good guy, he's treating you right, and as long as you're happy, that's all that matters to me," I let my emotions take the upper hand, feeling the need to be honest with myself and her. "You're doing much better since you're with him, and the worst in all of this is that he's always been right and good...but I wasn't because I couldn't."

"What do you mean 'you couldn't'?" she asks, puzzled. "I couldn't because I didn't want to lose you. I was so scared, it felt like I was completely losing control over everything and that no one could understand."

"Did you really mean what you said over the phone?" she brings it back up, this last phone call we had.