Wednesday, January 11th, 2023.

11:30 pm.

< hey, I'm sorry if I'm being annoying but it's been three days since you last answered me. Are you okay? I'm really worried rn ]

I read the new text I received from Jungkook after thinking about him and staring into space. Feeling like I should answer him and not ignore again, I put my elbow down next to my science book and start to type, but after only two words, I pause, and I decide to delete my answer.

He must be with his girlfriend right now, so pretending to be busy is better for me.

I sometimes wonder why what I do still matters to him so much.

I put my phone back on my desk and set my eyes on my books to study for tomorrow's test. I am pretty nervous as always. I know that I will fail, no matter how hard I try to memorize the subject, my brain does not seem to work the same way it used to in the past. I feel so dumb.

A sigh escapes my mouth through the silence, but my phone vibrates for the second time, and my heart gives a punch to my chest.

< If you're trying to deal with something on your own, I want you to stop and talk to me. I'll always be here for you no matter what happens and you know that so don't keep anything to yourself ]

He points it out as if he knew, and those words cause some tears to grow in my eyes. I turn my phone upside down to not see anything of our chat anymore, and I glance away.

I need to clear my head and think about something else. Something that will not hurt me.

- Next day -

Thursday, January 12th, 2023.

7:40 am.

"See you later," I say goodbye to my mom and leave the house to go and head to the bus stop. Feeling less affected by the cold than I expected to be, I do not put my gloves on but hold my phone with my bare hand and answer Jungkook's text, which I had a hard time ignoring for a whole night.

[ hey, I'm doing fine. I'm sorry for not answering, I'm just busy with school. What about you? How are you doing? Is the internship going well? >

I leave the chat to not see anything above these last texts, and I answer to my friend, Enna, who will probably be waiting for me in the bus. However, right after this has been sent, I already receive an answer from my best friend.

< Are you sure it's just bcs of that? I feel like you're having a hard time but not telling me about it ]

[ no, I'm fine. Really >

He does not answer me but calls, and since I do not have any excuse to give this time, I pick up. I bring my phone to my ear and listen to his voice, this one that always makes me feel good, but yet, so bad as well. "Hey."

"Hey," I speak and look in front of me to not forget where I am going. "Are you perhaps avoiding me since that call?" he specifies the last one we had with a simple 'that', and I think twice before replying. I could lie again or tell him the truth. Neither of them would change anything. "I don't know. I don't want you both to fight because I'm being-"

"We don't fight because of you," he cuts me off, not listening to the rest my sentence. "But it's okay now, I don't want you to worry or feel at fault for anything that happens between her and I. Alright?"

I force a smile and look down to the ground. "Yeah."

A few seconds full of silence follows my faint voice, without provoking any awkwardness, and I stop to wait for the bus to come.

"What have you done yesterday?" he changes of topic to drift the conversation to something else. "I studied a lot, and you?"

"I came back home pretty late, so I didn't do anything other than work," he finally tells me about himself. "Oh. You must have been tired then."

"Yeah, kinda," he confirms, and I lower my gaze down to my feet. "How have you been sleeping these days, by the way? Is it still bad or a bit better?"

"It's pretty bad, I only sleep better when I'm on my period, for some reason," I do not hide it, not feeling uncomfortable about this topic. We have been best friends for three years now, so we talk about anything together. I know he is mature enough for this type of matter. "Well, at least you can say that there's one great thing about being on your period," he gets me to chortle. "Yeah, I guess."

"What about your migraines though? I know they're even worse before your period, but how is it going right now?" he cares, not ending the conversation as if he did want to talk to me. This makes me feel like I am as important as his girlfriend is to him.

"Well, my head's been hurting a lot these days, and there's a lot of tension in my neck and shoulders that I can't get rid of, even with my pills, so it's horrible," I peek up to my left to check if the bus is here yet, but the road is empty. "Didn't you tell me that you stopped taking them?"

"Yeah, but..." I try to find a good pretext to explain myself. "It's just...I'm tired of being in pain every day, so...since I've taken only two or three this month, I'm just allowing myself to take some..." I lift my hand up to my face to scratch my cheekbone, nervously. "Hm," he makes his discontent obvious. "How many have you taken this week so far?"

I gulp down and hesitate to tell the truth. "I can't remember, maybe three, but only because my headaches and migraines are really bad," I try to convince him this is only for a good reason. "Y/n..." he sighs my name, sending shivers all over my skin. "Don't take that shit anymore and visit the doctor, please. They'll find something better."

"I don't want to waste my time going there and hearing the same speech all over again. They don't even try to know where the pain comes from, they just listen to my symptoms, then 'Yeah, you do suffer from chronic migraines, here are the treatments you can try', but they don't do anything else. So no," I refuse to do as told, knowing this will tire me out even more than this situation already does. He heavily exhales through the phone but does not scold me. "Do you at least eat well?"

"I do," I let a falsehood out. "You do," he repeats but with skepticism. "So, for example, what did you eat yesterday?"

"I studied a lot, so I ate a bit less because I forgot," I stick my empty hand in my pocket to warm it up, the cold gradually hitting my skin and muscles. "Yeah. I'm pretty sure you haven't eaten much, but I don't want us to argue about this again. Will you be free this weekend?"

"Probably not, but I'm not sure yet. Why?" I do not decide without being aware of his plans. "I wanna go out and eat with you. It's been a while since we last saw each other. I miss you."

I nibble on my inner cheek, the thought of seeing him exciting me but also causing some fear. "I'll see if I can be free or not. I miss you too."

"Take a break from studies and come then. You know this won't be good if you keep your mind on that only," he tries to find the right way to make me go, but I still remain unsure. "I know."

"Anyway. Are you waiting for the bus right now?" he guesses from my usual schedule. "I am, and you? Aren't you supposed to be going to work?" I step towards the shelter to move and not remain still. "I am, I just have an earbud in, so I can drive at the same time."

"Oh, alright. I gotta hang up though, the bus is here," I find a way to put an end to this call, knowing I will not be able to stop thinking about him if it lasts for longer. "Ah. Well, be careful and eat well today, alright?"

"Alright," I tell him what he wants to hear, despite how dishonest of me this is, and I fix my attention on the bus. "See you, and tell me if something's going on or that you're not feeling okay."

"I will, see you and take care," I tell him and step into the vehicle, my heart racing. "Take care as well," he repeats the same, and I end the call.

•••

12:24 pm.

"Hey," Enna leans towards me on the table while unwrapping her food. "Hm?" I glance up from my phone. "How is it going with Jungkook? Is he still with the other bitch?"

"She's not a bitch, but yeah, he still is," I speak about it, no matter how much I hate this topic. "Are you kidding me? I stalked their account since you don't want to, and she's a cringe tiktok girl who likes to flex about everything she has, and the fact that 'she's so hot that she keeps getting hit on'," she says the last words in an irritating voice, but I cannot hold back from raising my eyebrows. "Why do you even stalk, weirdo?"

"Because I need to know what type of girl he's dating. I can't believe he's into that though, I thought he was a great guy. You should move on and fall in love with another one, like, that Angelo guy," she acts like this is as easy as it sounds. "Sure. I'll do that tomorrow," I fake a smile, the sarcasm escaping me.

She does not respond but chews on her food while staring at me. I have been in love with him for such a long time already, and him getting into a relationship has not helped me to get rid of those feelings, so her advices are not going to solve this issue.

"I know it's hard because he's your best friend, but I'm pretty sure he's been aware. You know," she swallows and brings her food down. "It's easy to notice when your best friend has a crush or feelings for you, so he must....Like, I'm not casting doubt on the fact that he cares about you a lot, but he shouldn't be so close to you while being in a relationship."

"He invited me to go out this weekend because he said he misses me," I tell her about our morning call, and she suddenly stops eating. "Are you joking?"

"I'm not," I shake my head. "Girl. Why is he doing that? Are you sure he's still with her?"

"He is, but they fought again last week because of me," I finally reveal what she does not know about since she was sick and that I have not talked about it by text. "Because of you? Why?"

"I was on the phone with him at that moment because he called me after I told him I was feeling a bit sick," I put my phone down to focus on my story and remember every detail. "And, at some point, he stops talking, and I hear her voice in the background, and I clearly hear her ask him who he's talking to, so he tells her my name, but then she lets out something like 'are you talking to this leech again? She's not done being fucking depressed?'," I repeat every word, painfully.

I do not really appreciate her, I never did, but this still hurt me to know that I must be nothing but this type of person to her when he talks about me.

"So, since that day, I'm kinda ignoring him because I feel...dumb, and in the wrong...I don't know," I shrug, not even certain of what I feel anymore. "What the fuck? In the wrong? You haven't done anything wrong, dumbass. I fucking knew that she's a bitch," she fills her mouth with some more food, seeming pretty upset after what I told her. "He ended the call right after that, so I don't even know if he said anything, but I know they fought."

"Well, he better have defended you. Why does he even call you so often if he has that girl? And she dares call you a leech? Is she fucking serious? He's the one constantly calling and texting you, he's literally playing with your feelings," she opines herself, making me wonder if she is right, if this could be true. I hope she is not. He is not that type of guy. "You shouldn't go. Or no, you should, actually," she tilts her head and makes no sense. "If you go, you only do it to have a serious talk with him. You confess, and you tell him that doing this is just hurting you, so you need to stay away from him."

I keep my eyes fixed on her, not believing what she just suggested to do. "Confess?" I raise my eyebrows. "You really think I'm gonna do that and embarrass myself?"

"Well, is it better to let him play with two girls while you're in pain every day because you can't get over him?" she states some facts I do not like to face, and I look down at my phone. She is right, but I cannot imagine my life without having him, even if I can only have him as a best friend, this is better than nothing. "He's not playing with me."

"Hm. I don't know. It seems like it," she licks her lips to remove some sauce and grabs her can of sparkling grape juice. "If he's not playing with you, then he has a thing for you but can't admit it, or he doesn't want to accept it. Or you're just like a sister to him. Relationships are not for me, so I'm not good at giving advices or understanding guys."

"I can tell," I mention, in a low voice, and she does not get offended. "Whatever. I don't know anything about relationships, but what I do know is that you should definitely talk to him. You can't keep going like that."

"I'll see," I run my fingers through my hair and ponder over this idea. I have already thought about it, but I have never been able to do it. I am way too terrified to lose him.

"Does he often talk about his girlfriend?" she does not insist, to my greatest relief. "Almost never."

Her facial expression exposes some astonishment. "That's weird though, and does he seem to have changed a little since the beginning of their relationship?"

I drop my look down to my phone at the sight of a text lighting my screen up, but I ignore it. "I don't know. Kinda. It feels like he's a bit closer to me than he was at the beginning."

"And when did he start to date her again? I always forget," she asks me to remind her, and I look up. "He's been dating her for around one year now."

"Damn, and when did he start to get closer again?" she keeps enjoying lunch while listening to me, always interested and curious whenever this is about Jungkook and I. "I can't tell. Maybe five months ago, I think?" I question my own answer and gaze into her eyes. "I just know I noticed that he was acting different and as close as before he dated her when school was over for sure, maybe even before that, but it's probably just in my head."

"It's not, stop saying that," she deepens my hopes, and I purse my lips, showing my skepticism. "Anyway, let's talk about something else," I straighten my back to release the tension and sit more properly on my chair.

•••

7:30 pm.

"Y/n?" my dad calls my name from outside my bedroom, so I leave my computer and move up to go and open the door. "What is it?" I peek down at what he is holding.

"You received a package," he hands it to me, and I grab it. "It comes from Jungkook," he pronounces the name I just read. "I knew about this surprise because he told me about it, and you were supposed to receive it for Christmas, but well, the delivery service is shit," he does not sugarcoat his words, but I barely pay attention to that. The only thing I can focus on is what he admitted. "You knew? What do you mean?"

"Well, someone had to know we'd receive a package, so since he wanted it to be a surprise for you, he told me," he clears up. He knows Jungkook well, he even knows about how I feel about him, so I cannot help but wonder if he often talks to him without me knowing.

"I kinda made a slight mistake though," he minimizes what I am already certain to be terrible, and I feel my body freeze. "What mistake? Don't tell me you said something about what I told you."

"I...No," he speaks with his hands, his entire body telling me the truth that his mouth does not. "I just may have misunderstood the situation and thought that you were hiding your relationship with him," he nervously smiles at me, making me regret my decision about avoiding the girlfriend point. "I...I told you not to say anything about this!"

"Well, you should have told me he had a girlfriend. I didn't know, so I assumed you were both secretly crushing on each other! I just wanted to help," he believes I will feel better and forgive his mistake. "So you told him I like him?!" I raise my voice, unwittingly.

"No, I just asked him if he liked you, so that's how I got to know about his girlfriend. How could I expect him to do such a thing and be in a relationship with another girl? He was asking me about you a lot and wanted to make sure you were doing fine, and I'm a man, I went through that, so I assumed he liked you too," he speaks the same way Enna does, and a sigh runs out of my mouth. "Don't ever try to help again. I literally told you not to do this and keep everything to yourself. I'm pretty sure he knows because of you now," I cannot restrain the anger inside of me, and I step back to close the door, but he stops it. "Hey. I'm sorry. Alright? I didn't mean to cause that. I didn't talk about your feelings or anything that we talked about anyway, I promise."

"Fine, but don't try to do anything next time, please. You don't understand how this makes me feel," I attempt to make him see the situation from my point of view as a girl. He looks into my eyes, not expressing any happiness but instead, some sort of grief. "I won't do anything like that again. I'll be more careful next time, but just..." he pauses and seems to be thinking about his words. "You know, if he has a girlfriend, you should try to find a way to get rid of those f-"

"I know," I cut him off to not hear more of this speech I have been given early. "I'm trying," I clear my throat and glance down at the package. "But anyway, thank you," I close the door and take a closer look at this gift.

No matter how hard I try to lessen the impact my feelings have, he is unknowingly feeding that pain every day.

I nibble on my inner cheek and go back to my desk chair. Now that I have this, I will have to text him to thank him when I wanted to distance myself.

I avoid stressing out about this for now, and I place the box on my desk, get some scissors, and open it. Without waiting or letting the suspense linger, I bring the two sides apart and look at what is inside.

The first thing I have within sight is a letter, so I take it out but check what is underneath.