His purpose to bring me to his home when we barely knew each other was unclear to me. I definitely should be afraid of what would happen because he's barely a friend; however, I guess I am a little peculiar because my mind contains no signs of fear.

Ayato had been such a sweetheart, but a little meticulous over everything. When I first met him, I have always thought he's the kind of guy who acts cool and cares nothing about the people around him. However, he acts very different than what I thought. Especially this day, his words were honest even though it would hurt his pride.

He made sure his house was clean and tidy, stocked up his refrigerator with healthy foods, prepared the bed for my comfort and made sure the soaps and shampoos were chemical-free.

I wanted to see him.

I want to know what he looks like.

No. I frowned.

I have two more months to live, that's two more months to make me feel worse about being alive.

But Ayato... I felt my eyes tingle and burn. Tears pooled under my eyelids and threatened to fall.

A pair of feet shuffled urgently towards me and he grabbed my arms so tightly, I think it bruised. "What's wrong?"

It sounded so different than his usual voice. It sounded so raw, so worried, so scared.

"I'm fine, it's nothing.." I said softly.

He let out a breath I never knew he held. Something warm touched my forehead and I guessed it was his forehead. I could feel his hair and it tickled my eyes. His hands relaxed around my arms and slid down to reach for my hand.

He led me out of his apartment; the sun warmed my skin, it felt like a good day. Ayato was acting weird, I could tell he was not being himself, but I don't even know who he is or how he usually acts. He was a little awkward, and his muscles tense up when we brush each other as we walked. His palms sweated against mine, but I paid no mind to it. He was nervous.

For the first time, I walked without my walking stick because I knew I would be safe in his hands. He would not let anything happen to me. Call me naive, but I truly trust him with all my heart and I can't tell why. Perhaps he kidnapped me to feed on me, but why the tedious process?

We walked quite far and he would carry me when there are stairs or puddles. He stopped me somewhere and opened a door. A pleasant scent of sweet vanilla and coffee greeted my nose. When I entered the cafe, I could smell honey, strong cinnamon and fresh milk. It was great and it made my mouth water.

If there's one thing I must miss after death, it would be delicious cuisines. Who can deny a plate of good food?

Ayato held me very close to his body as he guided me to a table. The cafe was probably packed with people, he did not want me to bump into any furnitures or people. Of course, it's just my assumption.

A lady came to our table to take our orders. "What would you like to have?"

The man who brought me here was quiet and it took me a moment to figure out why.

He's a ghoul. Of course he wouldn't know what to order.

I furrowed my eyebrows. But I can't tell what's on the menu either. I'm not going to break the promise I made to myself for something as trivial as this.

Maybe because he realised my condition that he clumsily placed his orders.

"U-Uh.. We'll have a...this strawberry cheesecake..some of those pancakes and uh, two cups of coffee."

"Right away, sir." The waitress answered after scribbling on her notepad. She left immediately to drop our orders in the kitchen.

He sounded a little flustered when placing the orders, it made me feel bad.

"Is this your first time ordering normal food?" I asked.

He composed himself before answering, "Yeah, we can't eat normal food."

"None at all?"

"Only coffee, everything else makes us nauseous."

I heard footsteps coming towards us and the sound of porcelain cups clinking. The waitress placed two teacups on the table and cheerfully said, "Here's your coffee!"

"Thank you." I smiled towards the voice's direction.

My hands moved slowly on the table to search for my teacup, but a hand held my right hand and placed a warm cup on it. His hold was gentle, too gentle it felt like he was holding a feather.

I slowly sipped the coffee and was careful not to scald my tongue. Another waitress came and placed two plates on the table. The smell was absolutely heavenly. A mixture of sweet and sour, the fragrance of fresh fruits, fresh honey, milky whip cream and butter. I couldn't wait to dig in.

Before I could reach for a fork, I felt the tips of a fork softly poking my lips. It startled me for a moment.

"O-Open your mouth." He strictly ordered, but it couldn't hide his embarrassment.

I was reluctant, but obeyed nonetheless. It would only be more awkward if I were to reject him. Furthermore, I would only make a mess trying to feed myself.

Butter and honey filled my mouth and the texture was very fluffy. It was light and the powdered sugar felt like snow on my tongue. I couldn't help but smile, it was wonderful.

"Ayato, I don't know you, but why are you so nice to me?" I finally brought up the question.

When he didn't answer, I continued, "Especially today.. You acted differently than before.."

A clink was heard. I pictured Ayato putting down a fork on a plate, but I can't be sure.

"...You don't like it..?" He sounded genuinely sad.

I raised both of my hands and waved it. "No no, of course not!" I dropped my hands onto my lap and hung my head shyly. "I was just wondering...that's all."

There were more sound in front of me and I felt the tips of the cold metal fork again. I opened my mouth and allowed him to feed me the pancakes.

He slowly answered, "Because..... I.. I want to give you the best memories..." He trailed off.

Then, I remembered the tapping sounds back in my house. Was it him? If he made those sounds, he probably heard the doctor; that I only have two months left to live?

"Did you hear what the doctor said?"

There was a silence before he said yes. And I asked, "Why? Why do you want me to die with happy memories?"

It was a little painful to think about it. That was something I have always been afraid of. Happiness. I can't live happily when I know I'm going to die soon.

I fear that I can't die peacefully.

I fear that I'll have regrets.

I fear that I'll miss the pleasant memories.

I don't want to live a happy life. It pains me to know the world has so much to offer and that I can't accept it because only death awaits me.

Why else would I stop opening my eyes to see the world since I was young?

I promised to myself.

I vowed.

To never open my eyes even in death.

Published: 14 May 2018