Chapter 38

The Bliss

The past 6 years felt like a blur but I clearly remembered I struggled in the beginning. It was hard but I got through after giving birth to my daughter. I thought the nightmares would stop.

And yet it began all over again.

4 years ago

May mga araw o buwan na hindi ako nakakauwi sa bahay dahil inaatake ako ng depresyon kaya sinasamahan ako ni Hack paminsan-minsan para lumayo. Nang nagsimula kong tanggapin ang nangyayari sa akin, mas lumala ito.

And I didn't want to hurt my daughter. I didn't want her to grow up seeing her mother lose herself or try to harm herself with soulless eyes. I didn't want her to know how fucked up I was. So, Hack and I gave her alibis like saying I'm away for work when in fact, I'm wallowing in self-pity somewhere, crying without even knowing what I'm doing.

I went back to seeing the shrink who last talked to me, Hack's psychiatrist friend. Nag-away pa nga sina Hack noon dahil nirekomenda na ng doktor na pumunta na ako sa mental asylum dahil maganda ang facilities doon. Pero dahil ayaw kong mawalay sa anak ko, wala na itong nagawa kundi magpatuloy na kausapin ako sa mga sessions niya.

"It's alright to feel that," he would say with his well-modulated voice.

It calms me but almost all the time when I meet him, I feel like I was never there. Lumilipad ang isipan ko kahit anong gusto kong ituon ang pansin sa mga sinasabi niya. I think about my daughter, Quentin, my supposed to be family, the people I know, the people I hurt, the people who hurt me.

Most sessions ended up with me having a panic attack. And when I become so stressed, I would wake up inside a hospital room with IV drips beside me. May mga pagkakataong hindi ako nababantayan ni Hack dahil may inaasikaso siyang importante kaya yung mga bodyguard ang nagdadala sa akin sa ospital. Kadalasan ay halos maubusan na ako ng dugo bago nila ako mahanap dahil kung saan-saan ako napapadpad.

When Uquia got older, it became harder to hide my mental state. Eventually, Hack bought a "safehouse" to handle the times whenever some episodes happen. I was isolated from the world and it screamed with safety.

Madalas ay nakatunganga lang ako habang umiiyak o 'di kaya naman ay naglalakad-lakad lang.

I felt empty. Every minute that passed by, I would warily look at my wrists that were marked with multiple slash wounds while trying to count them. Sumuko na rin ako sa pagbilang dahil kadalasan sa kanila nabubuksan lang ulit. Ang iba ay nag-overlap na, na para bang wala ng ibang paglalagyan.

"M-Mama..."

I remembered the first time my daughter called me Mama. Napaiyak ako sa tuwa at gumaan ang aking pakiramdam. Pakiramdam ko lumulutang ako sa ere dahil sa sobrang saya.

Doon lang ako dahan-dahang nakakahinga nang maluwag. Dumadalas na ang pagngiti ko. Hindi na rin ako masyadong naiiyak biglaan. I felt like I could live again. I have to breathe to be with her.

Until I wasn't holding anything sharp on my hand anymore but instead, I was gripping on the paintbrush as if my life depended on it.

I nearly forgot I was a painter and I thought I would never create art again. Ayaw kong isipin na baka magpinta ako, malungkot na obra lang ang kalalabasan.

But I decided to make my daughter my muse. Hindi man natupad ni Q na magmodelo sa akin, sa alalaalang iniwan niya sa akin, ipipinta ko ang kapanatagang binigay ng anak namin sa buhay ko.

With every stroke of my brush, I wished whoever looked at my artwork, they would appreciate the beauty of feeling forlorn.

Like the blind angel I saw sitting on a gazebo, as if gazing on the faraway trees. Still today, I wondered what he was thinking.

~

Present time

Napangiti ako sa painting na nasa aking harapan. Iyon ang isa sa marami kong obra na si Quentin ang bida. Hindi ko alam na sa hotel na 'to pala binenta ni Hack and ilan sa mga gawa ko.

Oh well. No one would really know I'm the artist behind it since I didn't put my name.

Simpleng WQU lang ang nasa bandang baba nito. Wynfrost. Quentin. Uquia.

I instantly frowned when I remembered the reason why I'm suddenly back in this country.

Gagong Hack na 'yon. Pinagkatiwalaan ko pero narinig lang na ikakasal na si Q, ayun at dinukot ang anak ko. Nasobrahan na yata ang kagustuhan niyang lumayag ang dati pang lumubog na ship namin.

I clicked my tongue and adjusted my long sleeves. Sinigurado kong natatakpan nito ang mga guhit sa aking pulso bago kinuha ang dala kong handbag at tumayo. My other hand reached for my luggage before I casually walked out of the hotel restaurant.

"Thank you. Please come again." Iyan ang gasgas na linya ng staff pero tinanguan ko na lang ito. Tumungo muna ako sa CR ng first floor at nag-ayos.

I slid my bag to my arm and I adjusted the black face mask that I wore. Pinasadahan ko rin ng aking mga daliri ang suot na mahabang pink na wig.

I looked at myself in the mirror and frowned. Hapit na hapit pala sa katawan ko ang suot na navy blue long sleeves kaya klarong klaro ang dibdib ko. Hindi naman ito ganito kalaki dati pero nang matapos akong manganak, heto at nakakalula.

Nakita kong may pumasok sa CR na babae at napatitig nang maigi sa boobs ko. Hindi niya naman nakita ang pag-irap ko dahil nakasuot ako ng black sunglasses.

I adjusted the fitted striped skirt that reached my thighs and strutted out of the comfort room.

"Sino yun?" bulungan ng mga tsismosa kaninang nadaanan ko papunta sa elevator.

Hah. Kung di ko lang kailangan magdisguise ay baka nakasuot lang ako ng malaking shirt ngayon bago susugurin si Hack pero dahil alam ko ang baliw na takbo ng tadhana, may posibilidad na may makita pa akong kakilala bago ako sasabak sa giyera.

My heels created a rhythm on the floor until I quickly walked in the open elevator. Tumunog pa ang dala kong maleta pagkapasok.

Kung para saan ang maleta? Dito ko ilalagay ang bangkay ni Hack.

Muntik na akong natawa pero pinigilan ang sarili nang mapansing may mga tao na pala sa elevator. Bumungad sa akin ang dalawang pamilyar na tao at isang batang lalaki.

It's Rondel and his wife, and probably their child.

I forced myself to calm down as I settled beside Rondel since there's some space beside him.

"Anong floor mo Miss?" tanong ni Shey sa akin sa matamis na boses. I hurriedly looked at the floor numbers and saw that they pressed the floor 30.

I gave her an awkward thumbs up. Mahirap na. Baka makilala nila ang boses ko, lalo na iyang si Rondel. Ilang beses na niyang narinig akong umungol.

I inwardly laughed at that. To think I lusted for this idiot for a few months. Ew.

"Mom, Dad! Look! Her hair is pink! I want to have pink hair too!" masiglang tili ng batang lalaking kaedaran lang ni Uquia. Gulat akong napatingin sa nakangiti nitong mukha dahil sa lambot ng boses nito. Did I hear that right? "I bet I'll look super pretty!"

I stared at his handsome face and noticed he looked a lot like Rondel but with smoother features. He had thin red lips and striking eyes and chestnut-colored hair. Nakuha niya lang sa nanay niya ang puting kutis kaya para siyang cute na lalaking manyika. Pakiramdam ko ay maraming iiyak paglaki nito.

Pero teka, tama ba ang hinala ko na bakla ang batang 'to? O malamya lang?

"Roseus!" saway ni Rondel dito. Kita ko ang pagkasalubong ng kanyang kilay at ang paggalaw ng kanyang braso para ikrus sa kanyang dibdib. "I told you to stop liking pink. Pambakla lang 'yan!"

"But Mom said pink could also be for guys!" nakangusong sabi nito at nagpacute sa ama. Muntik na akong matawa nang pumikit nang mariin si Rondel at huminga nang malalim bago binuka ang mga mata. Bumaling siya sa asawa.

"I told you to stop letting him wear this pink stuff. Kaya nagiging malambot 'yan eh dahil hinahayaan mo," he said in irritation. Bumaling ito sa anak at pinagsabihan ang bata. "Anak, utang na loob, huwag kang maging bakla-ouch!"

I tried to stiffle my laugh when Shey smacked his arm.

"Ano naman ngayon kung maging bakla siya?! Anak pa rin natin 'yan!" sabi nito at padabog na pinalo si Rondel. "Whatever happens, we will be there for him!" she shrieked.

Napakamot ng ulo si Rondel.

"Okay, okay," he said. "Eh sa gusto ko lang magkaapo. Paano naman siya magkakaapo kung-"

"Anong apo?! Anong apo?! Siraulo ka ba?! He's still six years old!" Pakiramdam ko magkaka-abs na ako sa kakapigil sa pagtawa. "He's not even in elementary school yet!"

"Ouch! I'm just-ow! Just having precautionary measures!"

"Mom, stop hitting Dad. He might get bruises!" tili ng bata.

"Good boy! Ow! Shey, makinig ka sa anak mo-ouch!"

"Bata pa ang anak mo!" Humagulgol bigla ang babae. "How could you think he'll marry someone and leave us?!"

We all froze at her sudden outburst.

"Hey, babe... Tahan na," pag-aalalo ni Rondel nang may pag-aalala.

"Mom, stop crying~" Tumuro ang bata sa akin at nagsabing, "Look, you're making the Pink lady uncomfortable!"

P-Pink Lady... Heck. I feel like I can oink now.

"Sorry, Miss. Buntis kasi ang asawa ko kaya may mood swings," ani Rondel pagkalingon sa akin. Nanlaki pa ako dahil sa pagtitig nito. I stiffly nodded my head.

Wow. Makakadalawa na sila.

I feel competitive.

Ting!

Napabaling ako sa pagbukas ng elevator at naestatwa roon.

Grabeng coincidence naman 'to.

I couldn't contain my smile when I saw Uquia talking with Avicii and Spaise. The latter noticed Rondel and his family so he greeted them warmly.

"Oy, Rondel pare!" ani Spaise. "Laro nga tayo ng basketball minsan!"

Avicii snorted.

"Basketball lang ba ang laman ng utak mo hanggang ngayon?" tanong nito sa nababagot na boses. "And you dare to call our Princess haughty when you're just as demanding?"

"Hey men," ani Rondel at nakipagbro fist sa dalawang lalaki. "Musta na ang preparation sa premature stag party?"

"Bulilyaso pare. May big revelation," ani Spaise na umiling-iling pa. Iminuwestra niya ang direksyon ng anak ko. "Ito. Anak ni Frost girl at Q."

"Really?!" tili ng kaninang umiiyak na si Shey. "Babae pala ang anak niya!"

"Bakit parang matagal mo nang alam, Floell?" Avicii asked with furrowed brows.

Wait, did I hear that right? Floell? But isn't she Shey?

Naguguluhan akong nagpabalik-balik sa kanilang mga mukha.

What's going on here?

Wait, wait! Ibig sabihin alam na ni Q na may anak kami?! What the hell?! Nasaan si Hack?!

Napahigpit ang hawak ko sa maleta at pinigilan ang sariling araruhin sila para makasugod na ako sa unit nito.

"Oh! Rondel was supposed to help Wynfrost find a secret OB-Gyne before she left," paliwanag ni Shey sa masayang boses. "Now, don't blame Rondel for keeping it a secret. He promised her that he'll never tell you guys."

Avicii nodded but still gave Rondel an accusing glare.

"I wonder how you kept it for 6 years," anito nang may hinanakit sa boses.

I guiltily looked down.

He's still my brother by blood. I should've at least said goodbye. Mariin akong napakagat-labi. There's no turning back, right?

"Mom, Dad. Look at this girl. She's really pretty!" pagbabasag ng batang si Roseus sa namumuong tensyon sa paligid. "I want to be her girlfriend!"

"Hey, asshole, what did you say? Have you gone nuts? You? My fucking girlfriend? Dream on, faggot!" Walang preno ang mga salita nang anak ko kaya sabay-sabay na napanganga sina Rondel at Shey.

"Did you just curse at me?" the little boy asked in exasperation. "I take it back. You're so rude. I don't want to be your girlfriend. You're a witch! I'll never fall in love with you!"

"I'm a Princess!" sigaw ng anak ko at hinigit bigla ang braso ng anak nina Rondel. Nagulat kaming lahat sa sunod nitong sinabi. "Come on! I'll make you horny with my lips."

Tulala lamang kaming tinitigan ang pag-alis ng dalawang bata. Nakita ko pa ang namumulang mukha ni Roseus bago sila nakalayo.

How the hell did I raise my daughter?!

"Well, at least, I'm gonna be a grandfather-ouch!" Rondel said so Shey gave him another smack. "Sige na, sige na. Susundan ko na po. Baka gumawa na sila ng-ouch!"

Pagkatapos ay kumaripas sa pagtakbo si Rondel palayo.

People really change when they're with the people they love.

An awkward silence fell before I pursed my lips and decided to finally speak.

"Avicii," I clearly said as I raised my head and removed my face mask. Kita ko ang gulat sa mukha nilang tatlo nang matitigan ako ng mabuti. "Long time no see, cabbage bestfriend."