Chapter 1

The Blind

It was an accident yet it couldn't change the regret I felt. The remorse of what happened ate me up. All the 'what ifs' of our relationship brought me nightmares. All of their consolations, condolences, and condemnations gave me an excuse to live.

She shouldn't have died.

We should've been married.

We should've been happy with wonderful children.

I should've been there when she reached her dreams.

I should've been there with her beyond the end of life.

Yet here I was, still despairing, still regretting, still living with the extension of a life that should've been hers.

Ah. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pa ako nabuhay.

Nothing, no one gave me a choice to choose to end this miserable life. I should live for her. She won't be happy if I'll just waste away the new chance given to me. She won't forgive me if she only lived.

It's funny how such a petty misunderstanding led to the end of our future together, just extinguished without reason. It was just a usual date when that happened. There was this unknown girl who I can't even remember after so long and Floell was angered by how the girl and I interacted.

"You can't even smile to me like that!" That was one of the last sentences she shouted at me. Bakit ba naisip niya iyon?

Hell. I can't even remember that girl, even how I smiled at her which Floell deeply hated. I knew she wasn't the type to be jealous but I didn't know why she was so mad at me with just a simple interaction.

I remembered we were in a new art gallery which recently opened in the city. Floell wore her favorite white dress which perfectly emphasized her beauty and accentuated her figure. She had these big brown eyes, a cute nose, and luscious pink lips that drove me crazy. Her lithe and cute physique gave me dreams. Her giggles and smiles were my everything. She looked so pretty that day that it made me senseless. I should've known why she looked that way that day. It was her last.

When we went in that gallery, she pranced around the place like a little kid. Her excitement radiated with joy, even the other people smiled at her adorable actions. I followed her intently. It was a perfect date. She led me while looking around paintings I couldn't even understand. She talked about her thoughts about the pieces yet I couldn't remember her words. What I saw was my all.

We were there for almost an hour until we stopped in front of a large painting. It was hard to be left unnoticed since it's really gigantic when compared to the others. We had to step back a few steps before we could get a better look to what it is.

What I saw was a painting that stroke my heartstrings in an odd way. I didn't even know art can make me feel like that, like I was lost in bliss without any particular reason. So I stood there, dazed, and stared at an oil painting of a beautiful pair of colored eyes. I couldn't identify the specific hue. The painting was like an illusion that made me see eyes that were grayish, with hints of green, a touch of blue, and then it turned to a a lighter shade of brown, almost yellow-the color of my eyes.

Well, it was weird yet wondrous.

"Quentin, babe, ano nganga ka ano?" I heard Floell said in happiness. "It's a masterpiece, isn't it?"

I was lost for words as I stared back at those pair of eyes and muttered, "It is."

Then there was an unfamiliar voice from my other side, a voice I couldn't remember, much less describe.

"Do you like it?"

The feeling her question gave me was unbelievable. What was it that I felt at that time when I heard her words? Passion? Lust?

I loved Floell yet I knew the woman gave me a feeling that burned my groins and created a flame in my soul. It was just a few seconds, though because I was snapped out of the trance when Floell spoke.

"Excuse me, kilala ka ba namin?" The sarcasm and disgust in Floell's voice was evident. It was quite rare to hear her sound that way. She was always polite and smiling when talking to others, even strangers yet there she was scowling at a lady I couldn't even remember.

I wasn't sure what words came next until Floell marched to my car while cursing me in fury. I told her she was just overreacting. Well, at that time, I found that she was really overreacting since she wasn't that kind of girl. That's why I liked her and loved her. She was just simple and loving and good but at that moment, she snapped and with just a teeny tiny reason-I smiled at a girl.

I'm not a talkative man but I'm amiable to people so I could give a small smile here and there to not offend the other party when they talk(even when I'm not interested). I didn't get what made Floell shout at me like that, as if I ran away with another woman in front of her. I found her unbelievably nonsensical.

And my last memory of the woman I love was just that. She was like a stranger who became mad at me. The feeling it gave me was horrible.

I couldn't even get a good look at her because I only saw shards of glass shooting towards my eyes like sharp assymetrical bullets. Then there was blood, warm crimson blood.

My life after that was in darkness, both figuratively and literally. My family and friends told me to undergo an eye operation and a psychological therapy but I pleaded them not to push the topic. In exchange for living my life, I told them to leave me alone. I'd rather be blind than see the sun without remembering Floell's smile. The darkness reminded me how blind I am that day to not understand her anger. We should've talked in calmness. We should've laughed it off after a while.

Napakatanga ko. Wala akong silbi. Ni hindi ako nakapagmaneho nang maayos dahil nagpadala ako sa galit ko, kung bakit naisip ni Floell ang ganoong bagay gayong alam naman niyang siya lang ang mahal ko.

"Q!" anang isang malakas at baritonong boses mula sa aking likuran. I heard some rushing footsteps on the tiled floor, clacking as it was struck by what I assume to be leather shoes. "Pare! Kumusta?"

"Good," I simply said as I felt a strong hand clasp my shoulder. "You sound excited, Lan."

"Damn right, bro!" he happily said as he tapped my shoulders. "You're already 30 man! Happy birthday!"

"Ah," I exclaimed, rather halfheartedly yet I still forced a smile while still staring straight at nothing. I suppose I could say that my blind eyes are staring at the garden infront of the gazebo. Dito ako lagi nakaupo kung wala akong magawa sa bahay. Ang magaan na simoy ng hangin ay laging nakakatulong sa akin sa pag-iisip.

"Oh yeah, man. I brought a nurse," Lan said after a while. I heard him clap and laugh in glee like he's the happiest guy in the world. He's happily married with my sister so he's my brother-in-law. He's also one of my best friends so I'm already used to his nonsense.

I shook my head.

"I don't need a nurse."

"Dude, you do!" sabi nito. Klarong pipilitin ako nito dahil sa mataas niyang tono. "Come on, man. You're already 30 and you're still single."

"What does that have to do with a nurse?"

I don't really get his thoughts sometimes. He just says and does what he wants.

"Heh," he chuckled as if I just said a joke. "Of course, you could have someone to take care of you who could also be a fuck buddy!"

"A...fuck buddy?" my voice trailed off as the words registered in my brain. This guy is a scatter brain, as always so I just shrugged it off and sighed. "You know I don't want to have a lover."

"Asus," he spat, his tone disbelieving. "Ang sabihin mo kasi 'di ka makamove on! Man, matagal na 'yon! Ano? Mga limang taon, na ba? Anim?"

"Let's not talk about this," sabi ko na lang at tumayo na. Hinawakan ko ang cane na lagi kong dala at nagsimulang maglakad. Pamilyar na ako sa bahay ko at palibot nito pero para makasigurado, gumagamit pa rin ako ng tungkod.

I heard Lan sigh in exasperation. He then followed me.

"I'm just kidding, man," sabi nito habang nakabuntot sa akin. "Ay nga pala! Nasa loob na ang tropa! Bilis! Bilis! Maglalaro tayo!" I wasn't surprised at all in his sudden change of mood. He tends to forget about negative things easily. I've always wondered if he's just a good guy or he's just terribly insensitive.

I hadn't managed to protest when he grabbed my arm and dragged me towards the party. I didn't really mind about my birthday since it's nothing to me yet my friends always want to celebrate with me. My family comes sometimes too but they're all relatively busy handling our business, especially when there's someone useless in the family. Obviously, that's me.

I have a job but Mom and Dad always gives me more money. I didn't know exactly why they still do that. If it's a habit or a sense of responsibility coming from caring parents, it's still unclear. Minsan lang din naman nila akong nadadalaw. Sometimes, I think they're avoiding me to not make me feel their pity.

As for my job, it's quite humble and simple unlike the extravagant jobs nowadays. I work from home as a columnist of a magazine. It's obviously about heartaches. It's sad but it's still an honorable job. I also want to help people understand more about relationships. Floell amd I have been together for 10 years, after all. So many things happened between us so I have experience about some stuff. This job also makes me wonder about the kind of relationships couple engage to nowadays, not just for the job. The truth is I'm curious. And of course, it's connected to my 'what ifs'. I still wish I had died. Maybe, Floell and I could've been happy somewhere beyond life.

"Happy birthday, man!"

"Oy Q, pare! Happy birthday!"

"May dala kaming tsibog, Q!"

I heard their chaotic greetings over and over. I managed to pick up some voices I know but it's barely discernible when mixed with the noisy rock music in the background.

Still, I smiled.

"Thank you, everyone." I nodded and said, "Enjoy yourselves. I'll be back in a minute."

Iyon lang at nagmadali ako papunta sa pinakamalapit na bathroom. I prefer using the one in my room but I'm already too dizzy. The noisy atmosphere made me feel nauseated. Ever since I've gone blind, I've been highly sensitive to sounds so it makes me sick hearing all these voices.

Once I was in front of the bathroom, I touched the cold knob and turned it. I immediately went in but was rendered deaf and speechless when I heard someone scream.

"Ah! Bastos!" The high-pitched shout made my ears ring. Both my hands clasped them in panic as I heard a woman shriek again and again. "How dare you! You fucker!" she blared in anger. "Mamboboso!"

And then I felt someone slap my cheek. The sound echoed inside the room, making me cringe. Then another smack came to my chest. Before the woman could hit me again, I stepped back and positioned my cane horizontally in front of me. My eyes blinked yet I only saw darkness. It was the first time in so many years that I found my blindness irritating.

I should have knocked before going inside the bathroom. Pero sino ba namang mag-aakala na may mga babaeng hindi nag-lo-lock ng pinto?

"I didn't mean it," I managed to say after hearing her curse so loudly.

"What?! You didn't mean it?! You pervert! How dare you lie to my face!" I felt a force on my cane before it was grabbed from my hands. I was dumbfounded when another smack arrived. This time, an object hit my head. I found out it was the cane after taking a few hits.

I jumped back and tried to evade her advances yet what can a useless blind man do but to blindly deliver himself into the pits of hell?

"O-Ow!" palahaw ko matapos mapalakas ang paghampas ng babae. I stumbled backwards accidentally so I panicked and tried to grab something to hold.

"Ah!"

Thud.

And I felt something soft fall on my body. My back hurt a bit because of the impact but I was dumbfounded when I felt something on my crotch, pushing it hard.

"Stop!" I bellowed in shame as my hands tried to find the unknown perpetrator to push it away. I gaped when I felt something strange on my hands. Round, bouncy, and amazingly soft. "W-What-"

Then I felt another slap on my cheek. A heard shuffling noises and then the weight on top of my body was gone in seconds.

"You perverted maniac!"

I cringed again when she screamed.

"I-I'm sorry!" I immediately apologized while trying to stand again. "I didn't see you! I swear to God!"

"Hah! Sinong niloloko mo?! You were staring at me!" When I stood in front of her, my stance was already ready to run. Such a violent woman would surely hit me again. "You're gonna run?! You should take responsibility! Curse you!"

I heard hurried footsteps so I raised my hands and shouted.

"I'm blind! I'm blind!" I said. "I can't see you!"

"Are you making fun of me?" Her voice sounded threatening so I took a step back. "You are making fun of me."

"It's true, I-I'm blind," I countered yet my voice became softer by the end. "I'm sorry I didn't knock. I should've knocked. I'm sorry, really."

There was a pause before I heard her talk again and at last, her voice was a little calm.

"You said you're...blind?" Her tone reflected both hesitance and curiosity. I slowly nodded. I was a bit calm because her breathing seemed to be even. I heard light footsteps then a soft wind waved in front of my face. I blinked in surprise. "You really can't see me?"

"No," I answered while grimacing. Somehow, her question is one of those questions some other people asked me.

"Oh," she exclained, her voice now tiny and soft. Hindi siya umimik nang ilang segundo kaya nanatali lang din akong tahimik. "I'm Wynfrost and you are?"

I was slightly taken aback by her abrupt introduction. It was not long ago when she brandished her hands on my chest and now she's talking while sounding ike a curious kindhearted girl.

Wynfrost. What a unique name.

"I'm Quentin but mostly called Q," I said after a while of calculating her sincere question. I didn't quite know why I said my nickname but it must be a habit. "This is my house, by the way."

"Your...house?"

"Yes."

"Oh!" She sounded surprised then she laughed. It was a very awkward laugh that it made me feel funny. "Ha-ha. S-Sorry about what I did. I-I didn't know. I'm-I'm really sorry!"

"It's alright," I said while waving my hand, showing her it's not a big deal. Though, this is the very first time someone whacked my head with my own cane, I can't really accuse her since it's solely my fault. Plus, her voice made me feel at ease with her.

"So it's your birthday today?" I raised a brow. "Lan told me about it."

So Lan was the one who led a stranger in my house. I could already tell that this is the very same "nurse" he talked about a while ago.

"You're a nurse?" I asked.

"Ha? Hindi," she said, sounding confused. "I'm a painter."

"A painter?" Uncertainty laced my voice. "Did Lan take anyone else with him?"

"No. Ako lang naman ang isinama niya. Iyong iba sa party ay mga kakilala mo raw." She laughed. There was really something warm about her playful voice. "I just tagged along with Lan. I'm the odd one out."

That crazy guy. I couldn't get ahold of a reason of inviting a painter in my house. I hate them and their paintings. What was the use anyway when I couldn't see them? And my last memory of Floell involved an art gallery. It always made me feel...sad.

"I don't mean to pry but who are you in Lan's life?" tanong ko na lang para may masabi. Well, Lan isn't cheating my sister, is he?

"Oh, I'm his university friend back in those days." She sounded at ease with what she's saying so it must be the truth. "Nakita lang ako ni Lan kanina. Kakalipat ko lang kasi ng bahay. I'm in the house next to yours."

"That's surprising. I didn't have a neighbor for years," I couldn't help but say. "It's far away from the city and it's so silent."

"I like to paint when it's silent," aniya. "At maganda naman ang bahay. Na-renovate na kasi."

"I see," I said and gave her a smile. "Welcome to the neighborhood."

Ilang segundo ang lumipas bago siya natawa. Hindi ko alam kung bakit kaya nagkasalubong ang kilay ko.

"I'm sorry. Your smile is so brilliant that I was speechless." How blunt. "You know, you're really goodlooking."

I shook my head and smiled wryly. I don't know why but her presence didn't bother me a bit. Maybe, because of her voice or maybe because she's the first person I met face to face after so long. The people I knew back then were the only ones who talked to me these days.

"Are you flirting with me?" I asked that as a joke. The warm atmosphere around us was to be blamed and her smooth and soft voice could really make one feel calm.

"I am." She sounded sure but I just chuckled while shaking my head. "What? You don't believe me?"

"Do you have a thing for blind men then?" natatawa kong sabi.

"What if I say I am?" I was speechless until she exploded into fits of laughter. "Oh, Q! The look in your face is priceless! Hahaha! But you're really goodlooking. It's a pity I'm already taken, pretty guy."

Somehow, I wasn't offended by how she made fun of me. She's funny. I didn't even realize I was already laughing with her.

"Eh? Anong meron dito?" rinig kong tanong ng isang boses. The sound of leather shoes neared once again. "Are you two flirting?"

"Oh shut up, Lan," sabi ng babae at natawa. "You didn't tell me the birthday celebrant is such a nice handsome man! He can be a model for my paintings."

Napailing na lang ako dahil sa kanya. If only she knows how I hate paintings...

"Hey, girl. It's too bad that he hates painters, especially painting. But he can tolerate painters more." My head snapped towards Lan's direction, where I heard his voice, and gave him a frown. "What?"

"What? You hate paintings? Why?" I sensed some curiosity in her voice but I didn't intend to answer her. It is too personal for me. "Oh well, it's fine. You're not the only one who hates paintings in the world."

I was stunned by how she remained nonchalant. It made me think that there really are people like that, those who don't dwell on negativities.

"I told him that," Lan said while chuckling and then added. "Hey, you two should go to the living room now. We're betting using our lives. And we have contracts~"

This guy isn't serious, is he?