There were few things on earth I hated more than wearing a tie, but if there was one event where a tie was non-negotiable, it was the fall sports awards banquet. It was one of the minimal school events that parents and students both attended, which meant appearances were, in my mother's words, imperative. Apparently that meant I wasn't allowed to look like I'd barely left the house all winter break and slept until noon every day.

The fall sports awards banquet effectively kickstarted second term in mid-January, but it was also an excuse for everyone to indulge in their fair share of drama, just better dressed with a prettier backdrop. The school board rented out the grandest ballroom in a venue in town called The Atrium, which was significantly more appropriate for weddings and sweet sixteens, but Athletic Director Kane implored upon them how New Livingston's outstanding fall sports deserved the best place for recognition. Exquisite crystal chandeliers that hung from the ceiling had been dimmed, bathing the ballroom in a soft, warm glow, and white cloth covered tables had been grouped by sport, similarly to how I assumed an actual wedding was sectioned off. You don't mix your rowdy second cousins with your easily-offended in-laws, just like you don't mix the football team and the field hockey team.

Even though the event was invite only, those who were invited were most definitely not above the drama. Despite the fact that we'd been seated on opposite sides of the room, it felt like the very air was combustible every time my gaze would meet Kaia's. There was a churning in my stomach and a distinct thumping to my heart, like my body was anticipating something that my head wasn't yet aware of.

"Dallas, don't slouch so much," my mother said in a hushed voice as she leaned over and pinched my elbow. I'd been preoccupied with dismantling an elaborate dinner plate, trying to make it seem like I'd at least eaten something.

"Sorry," I grumbled. I shot a pleading glance across the table to Chris, who'd been busy stuffing his face with mashed potatoes. He offered me a sympathetic shrug.

After a much too fancy dinner service, they'd start handing out the more anticipated awards. It wasn't like I hadn't been through this whole sordid song and dance before. I'd earned my fair share of awards over the years - most notably included conference rookie of the year and two-time state championship MVP - but the most touted awards for high school athletes weren't dished out until senior year. I'd already been officially awarded a third state-championship MVP earlier in the night by Coach Knox, even though I'd been named MVP immediately after the game last month. Unsurprisingly, Kaia had earned an award or two of her own, including all-conference field hockey player of the year.

"It gives me great pleasure to present our last award of the night - the National High School Athletic Foundation's Scholar-Athlete Award." Despite his endearing words, Kane remained as monotonous as ever.

The Scholar-Athlete award went to the student athlete that not only kicked ass in their respective sport, but also demonstrated exemplary academic achievement and school leadership. As per usual, my competition for the award included New Livingston's esteemed field hockey captain.

"It comes as no surprise that this year's award recipient has excelled both on and off the football field," Kane continued. Beside me, my father tilted his chin up slightly, no doubt ready for my name to come out of Kane's mouth. But nobody in the room was holding their breath - the moment Kane said football, it was understood who the award was going to. I bit down on my lip and tried to mentally prepare myself to stand in front of a room full of people I didn't even like. People that I was certain could see the frailty that had grown on me like ivy on a weathered old building that was once grand. I'd taken half of one of the pills Danny had given me earlier in the night, but it had already worn off, and I didn't have time to think about the possibility that I'd been growing more tolerant of whatever it was.

"Without further ado, I'm happy to present this year's Scholar-Athlete award to star quarterback, captain, and three-time Connecticut Group IV football state champion, Dallas Gunther."

It was like Kane's words had yanked me out of my own head. That's right, me. It was mine, I'd earned it, and I just had to keep repeating that to myself as I walked up there to collect my god damn award.

As I made my way to the front of the room to Kane, my tie felt like it was slowly constricting like a snake around my neck. I started to sweat under my shirt collar, and it became increasingly more difficult to catch my breath.

I gave Kane a cordial handshake as he presented me with a heavy wooden plaque, already engraved with my name.

"Care to say a few words?" he asked, speaking in a low voice away from the microphone.

Before I realized he'd removed his hand from actually covering the microphone, I blurted out, "uh, no, talking to these people gives me indigestion."

And my voice echoed off all the empty, quiet spaces in the expansive ballroom, where people had hushed just to hear me say anything other than that. For some reason, my eyes were drawn to Kaia, who just shook her head at me and mouthed, you asshole.

I returned to my table and dropped my plaque into my dad's hands before making a getaway, nearly knocking over a chair and ruining my chances of a swift exit.

"Dallas," I heard my father call after me in as hushed of a tone as possible, but I waved him off and didn't turn back. He didn't want to draw attention, and neither did I.

As I stumbled down the back hallway to the bathroom, I loosened my tie and ripped it off. The swirling pattern of the carpet only exacerbated the dizziness churning in my head.

I stormed into the bathroom and turned the sink on high, and maybe it was my way of covering up the sound of the way my chest strained as I tried to catch my breath.

"What the fuck is wrong with you," I muttered to my reflection. I ran my hands down my cheeks, catching bumps on my skin from where I'd been forced to shave earlier this morning. The smokey, exhausted circles under my eyes were so dark it looked like I'd been punched in the face, despite the fact that I'd been sleeping more than a cat. "What the fuck is wrong with you."

The door to the bathroom swung open again, and I quickly fumbled to shut the sink off.

"What are you doing?" a voice that was most definitely not male echoed off the tile walls. I spun around to come face to face with Kaia as she glared up at me, her arms crossed over the intricate lace front of her jumpsuit. We'd only traded glances from afar most of the night, but seeing her up close, all done up like she was ready for New York Fashion Week, made my heart shudder.

I scoffed. "I should be asking you that, seeing as this is the men's room."

"They should really be gender neutral in a place like this." She spoke with enough hostility in her voice about something as simple as a bathroom, I couldn't begin to imagine what she sounded like when her anger wasn't misplaced. "You really couldn't even pretend like you cared about winning the Scholar-Athlete award?"

I leaned back against the marble counter and gave her a casual flick of my wrist. "I'm sorry, are you actually mad about that? How was I supposed to know I'd actually get it?"

She stood up ramrod straight and pinched her glossy lips into a frown. "Well...also, stop making eyes at me from across the room, it's really obvious."

As if I wasn't already cooking under my rigid, staunchly pressed button down shirt, her words sent heat prickling up my cheeks. "Don't act like you weren't doing the same. It's easy to get distracted by me and all my god damn awards."

"I wasn't," she insisted. "You get awards all the time, it's boring now."

The anger in her voice flared again, but the storm in her eyes told a different story. I was tired of mixed signals from people in my life. Genuinely fucking tired.

"Do you actually have something to say to me Kaia? Or are you just here to pretend to be aggravated with me for something else inconsequential?" I sighed wearily.

Kaia took a moment as she shifted her weight from one foot to the other, as if she was truly contemplating the question. When she finally spoke, her words came out far more even-toned than I expected.

"I heard you broke up with Jordyn."

While I wasn't exactly holding my breath for Kaia to admit what happened at the state championship party meant more than she let on, some kind of admission of feelings would have absolved my guilt about everything a little bit more.

I sighed and rubbed my temple with two fingers. "Like two weeks ago. Guess New Livington gossip travels slow when you're living it up in Breckenridge."

Kaia stiffened up, and a look of disdain flashed across her features, but just as quickly as it came, it left. "I just want to reaffirm the conversation we had before winter break, and...well, I'm still with Jackson, so-"

"Hold on," I held my hand up to stop her. "You really think I broke up with Jordyn for you?"

A redness painted Kaia's cheeks as she blurted out, "Well, what am I supposed to think?"

Guilt had ultimately driven my breakup with Jordyn, but I couldn't pretend Kaia hadn't been an adjacent factor. She didn't need to know that, though. I barely knew it.

"You're the one who told me whatever happened is not happening again." I gestured between us. "Since you're still with Jackson, I know where you and I stand, but...something tells me you don't."

"I never said that!" she snapped, and her voice echoed off of the empty, tiled walls of the bathroom.

There it was - guilt disguised as hostility.

"You don't need to. You followed me into what should be a gender neutral bathroom just to ensure I'm the one that knows what's going on. But the longer this conversation goes on, the more I'm realizing that you've only confronted me as a way to convince yourself that staying with Jackson is a good idea."

"Jackson is great," Kaia insisted. "We've been together since last July-"

"With the exception of the two months you weren't."

Kaia groaned and turned away, resting her palms down on the marble countertop beside the sink. I caught her reflection in the mirror, and for a moment, it looked like the floodgates could burst at any moment, but when she turned back to face me, she was as cold, stone-faced as ever.

"I'm not breaking up with Jackson."

I thought back to what Jordyn said to me after I'd groveled out an apology - the truth might hurt, but being lied to hurts more. But by the way Kaia's voice had begun to crack when she spoke, I wasn't sure who the lie was hurting more - me, or her.

I offered her an impassive shrug. "I don't care if you do or not. I know I did what I thought was right, and that's all I care about."

"Fine."

"Fine."

The door swung open again with a thud as it smacked against the wall, and stumbling through the doorway came Chris. I wasn't sure whether I wanted to punch him or hug him for his timely interruption.

"Damn it Dallas, I can hear you from the hallway."

I rolled my eyes. "Don't be dramatic, Christopher. The walls in places like this are deceptively thin."

"I've been hearing you yell for upwards of 10 years, I know what you sound like in distress." He paused and took a breath when he realized there was someone else present, eyes widening when he realized who it was. His gaze darted back and forth between me and Kaia. "Why do I feel like I'm interrupting something?"

"I was just leaving," Kaia quipped before spinning on her heel and sauntering out the door.

I let out a heavy sigh of relief, but when I looked back up at Chris, the dismay in his eyes told me I wasn't out of the woods yet.

"Oh no. You didn't." He shook his head at me. "Tell me you didn't."

"Use your words, Christopher."

"Look me dead in the eyes and tell me you didn't..." he paused and dragged his teeth over his bottom lip. "Whatever. It's profane, isn't it?"

I groaned and smacked my palms down on the countertop. "I fucked her, is that what you wanna hear? I fucked her at the state championship party. Okay?"

"God damn it, Dallas," Chris hissed out. "For why? Why do you insist on making things complicated for yourself?"

"It just happened, okay?" I blurted out. "We agreed that it was a one time thing and we're taking it to our graves. So should you."

"Then why were you arguing in a public bathroom? That's the kind of shit people with unresolved tension do."

I almost wanted to laugh. "Kaia and I have had tension since freshman year. That's just how it is, and I know you know that. It's not that deep."

Chris stepped toward me and put his hands down on my shoulders. "No Dallas, what I know is that look. That's the look of no return. That's the I've seen you naked and want to see you naked again look."

I shimmied out of his grip and waved him off. I was worried if he studied me for too long, he'd realize how right he was. "Again, stop being so dramatic."

In an attempt to shut the door on our conversation, I strode towards the door of the bathroom and let it close behind me without looking back. I could only hope my best friend would do the same. The name of the game was now damage minimization, despite the fact that my damage was self-inflicted.

tell me what you hate about me
whatever it is i'm sorry

good things fall apart / illenum

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i make gif manips when i should be writing and then get aggie when they don't fit any of my scenes, but oh well beggars can't be choosers. i just want all the angst for my kids!!

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